Back in Black

So we meet again

2012-01-24T16:54:00.000-05:00

Fear not, faithful readers (all 2 of you), I have returned. I feel like I'm always posting how sorry I am for being a crappy blogger and that I want to do better, and it's true. I just get so bogged down with work! And until someone finally realizes I should be paid a hefty sum for just being me, that's the way it's going to be. So there you have it. Anyway, enough apologizing, let's get to the task at hand: massive life update!

I'm not typically one for resolutions, but I have been trying to clean up my filthy, filthy language. I'm doing an OK job so far. I'm not going cold turkey or anything (I mean, some situations just merit profanity). I actually started working on that before the New Year, so it's technically not a resolution. One major change is that I have finally conquered one of my lifelong irrational fears: going to a chiropractor. Shockingly, I have not mentioned this fear in any of my random information posts.

I've always been afraid of the chiropractor. I even had recurring nightmares where I would be chased by people with tables on wheels and they would knock me off me feet and crack my back. It's taken me a long time, but I was finally in enough pain to go. Naturally, I'm now a convert and fully intent on becoming addicted.

There you have it. That's the main new thing in my life: not having chronic back pain. Well, I think that's all for now--let's face it, these reruns of Law & Order: SVU aren't going to watch themselves.

Stop the Baby TMI!

2011-09-18T20:33:00.000-04:00

I've blogged about babies before, but this post is different. It has become apparent that I am entering the phase of my life in which everyone I know is having babies. That's totally cool, I am 100% pro-baby. However, I'm not pro-baby overshare.

I'm sorry if this offends some of my friends, but I feel as though I must speak out. We, your friends and family, are super excited about the bun in your oven. That doesn't mean that you need to share every single little detail of the pregnancy with us. A lot of people seem to be starting pregnancy blogs, which seems like a good way to keep family members in the loop...but an email accomplishes the same thing. The reason I want to read your blog is so that I can find out your thoughts, not hear about how your ankles are swollen and you have to pee all the time. The good thing about a blog is that I don't have to read it. I guess if you insist on sharing all the details about your pregnancy with the world, that's the way to go.

This brings me to what I cannot tolerate. The Facebook overshare. The last thing I want to see in my News Feed is stuff about breast-feeding, labor & delivery, and questions about motherhood. I don't need to know what's going on with your lady parts nor can I recommend a good jogging stroller.

If you don't think that the baby overshare is one of the most serious issues our country has seen since annual return of the McRib, just head on over to STFU, Parents and see for yourself. This might be my new favorite site...although I can't unsee or unread some of what I've seen on that site.

And as long as we're talking about things that I can't unsee, I should mention public breast-feeding. I'll be honest with you, it really creeps me out. I know you've [hopefully] got a blanket or cloth or whatever covering the girls, but we all know what's going on. Before I get yelled at about how I don't understand how beautiful breastfeeding is because I'm not a mother, I should let you know that several of my friends with children agree with me. I love how the excuse is almost always, "But it's natural!" You know what? A lot of things are "natural". Pooping is natural, too (in fact, there's even a book on the subject). That doesn't make it OK for me to just forego the whole bathroom scene and just poop wherever I happen to be at the time. There's a time and place for pooping. And there's also a time and place for breastfeeding.

Where do you think we are? Myspace?

2011-08-28T09:49:00.000-04:00

So, this morning I got out of bed when I heard Amy Jo saying, "What in the holy hell?" from our family room. Somehow, the dogs had been shredding toilet paper all morning. She'd already found them in the hall and thought that was the extent of the damage, but oh no. Our family room was covered with toilet paper. After we cleaned up, I entertained the notion of going back to sleep but quickly realized I was hungry. "Mmmm, scrambled eggs," I thought to myself, then I remembered that thanks to my new allergies that dish is off the menu. Then I remembered that I can't have egg sandwiches either. That's when I decided to see what the weekend specials were at Doodle's (I mean, as long as I was getting all depressed, I might as well go the distance).

So I grab my trusty iPhone and pull up Facebook. I went to the messages section and started looking under "other" because that's where the Doodle's messages used to be. Naturally, they're not there any more because Facebook changes layouts more than some people probably change their sheets. I'm still clueless as to their specials, because the first message in my list of "other" messages was from a gentleman caller. I had to click on the message and see what the what was going on.

I've marked through his full name and email address, but
I had to leave his picture for you to get the full effect.

First of all, I don't know how on earth he saw my profile because I have it set on super-private. I'm sure all he could see was my picture. While we're on that subject, here is what my Facebook profile picture is:

Do I look remotely like an age-appropriate woman
(friend or girlfriend) for this guy? No. No I do not.

I've never had any serious relationship to speak of, and I do feel strongly that that is an aspect of my life due for some change [ASAP, as long as we're on the subject], but this isn't really what I had in mind.

First of all, I love grammar. If I'm going to seriously consider any man who "loves privacy with my woman" (my favorite part of the message), he better damn well know how to construct a moderately correct sentence. He should also know that the letter u has never made an appearance in the word "divorce". Speaking of the letter u, the only time it is acceptable to use it in place of the actual word is in a text message. I'm actually against it then as well, but not everyone has unlimited texting and/or long text messages don't appear as one message in their phones and it's frustrating to get a message that's split up (out of order).

At first, I kind of thought he was foreign based on his English. His Facebook profile makes no indication. His Wall does inform me that he has listed his language as English. Amy Jo and I both strongly questioned the "Dave knows English" post. I should also mention that Amy Jo wants me to message him back. She wants me to tell him that I'm only interested in people my own age, but I think it's better that I just do nothing (well, nothing besides blog about it).

Second of all, we're also fairly certain that Dave is either Amy Jo's age or older. I mean, look at his hair. First of all, much of it is gone. Second of all, the remaining hair is grey and white. And I don't think it's like how Steve Martin's hair went grey when he was very young. And it's certainly nothing like the hotness pulled off by Anderson Cooper's silvery 'do.

Another fun fact about my would-be suitor, is that all of his Facebook friends are women (shocking!) and several them are pictured in bikinis or have their Facebook name listed as something like "HotKatie". I know that Facebook has really gone downhill, but isn't that nonsense better left to MySpace?

I think the message for all of us to take away from this is that any interested parties better speak up. I clearly have romantic (or Romantic, as Dave might say) options. Tell your friends that they'd better hurry up and ask me out, before I run away with the next guy whose name appears in my "other" Facebook messages.

Sleep? What's That?

2011-08-18T20:20:00.000-04:00

I've had the hardest time falling asleep lately. It's almost always because I can't turn my brain off. One day, Amy Jo came home and told me about some study she heard on NPR. They say that if you are the type who can't turn their brain off then you should write out a list before you go to bed. Write a list of everything you have to do the next day and then say to yourself, "OK, it's done." I explained that this is all well and good but my problem is that my brain isn't always focusing on things I have to do. At least half the time, the most random things are running through my mind. I thought I'd come up with a few examples to share.

There was one week where I couldn't sleep for several nights because all my brain could do was sing songs from The Lion King. Just Can't Wait to be King, Be Prepared, all the classics.
Just 2 nights ago, I couldn't sleep because I started thinking about being a fruit. I thought that if I were a fruit, and someone decided to mix me up in a salad or cocktail I'd be super pissed if they put me in there with sucky fruits like cantelope and honeydew. I hate both of those. And when they're in a fruit salad they make all the fruit taste gross.
I've also just finished reading The Hunger Games series (which is amazing!) so a lot of my dreams have been filled with post-apocalyptic fights to the death. What made one of them particularly weird and terrifying was that Miley Cyrus was also in the Games with me and she kept singing The Climb over and over.

I actually had a whole list going the other night and I debated grabbing my phone to jot them down. But I thought that might make it even harder to go to sleep and was certain I'd remember everything. Nope. Not so much.

Tattoo Saga

2011-07-16T17:18:00.000-04:00

I got a new tattoo yesterday and my friend Maggie wanted me to blog about it. It's actually not an interesting story, but the story of my first tattoo is a bit comical so I'll write about that.

It was August 2003 and my friends and I would soon be departing for college. My friend LeighAnn discovered that her mom and stepdad would be out of town for about a week and she'd have the house to herself. She began thinking of things we could do (elegant dinner parties, book clubs, you know--kid stuff). Obviously we were going to have some small parties in their absence, but LeighAnn decided that this would be a perfect time to get our tattoos.

My parents knew that I wanted a tattoo. I was 18 and it was my decision. LeighAnn's parents did not know and she did not want them to know. We'd both been 18 for a few months--we're not those kids who ran out on their 18th birthday and just got any old thing because they could. She decided on a small daisy and I decided on a small star.

My favorite part of the story is what my dad said before I went, "Make sure that whatever you get doesn't have some other meaning or something. If I find out that whatever your tattoo is actually means something else, I'll turn the stove on and remove it myself." I told him I was fairly confident that a star was just a star but I'd double check at the tatoo parlor.

I asked Billy the Tattoo Artist if stars meant anything other than stars and he assured me that they did not. Sweet action. I had also discovered that the base price for tattoos was $40. That's not a lot of money, but it did seem like I should get a slightly bigger tattoo to get my money's worth. My original plan was a tattoo the size of maybe a 50 cent piece...what I got is probably about the size of a sand dollar. I say probably because it's on the back of my hip (*not a tramp stamp) so I don't see it all the time. I have been known to forget it's there, catch my reflection in the mirror before getting into the shower (an already unpleasant experience in my book) and find myself saying, "Ah! What's that?" It's a nautical star, despite my general fear of water. Amy Jo said it made her think that I was in the Navy. But let's face it, when you look at me the first thing you think of is the Navy--with or without seeing the tattoo.

Back to the actual process. I was sitting on a chair that was raised up so my hip was more eye level for Billy the Tattoo Artist (that is what I always call him when telling this story). The tattooing begins. Tattoos hurt. Anyone who says different is a dirty rotten liar whose pants are probably also on fire. It's a needling, jabbing you repeatedly at a very high speed. That's a recipe for discomfort. Mind you, I was not under the impression that this would be pain free. You sort of go a little numb to it after awhile; maybe it's the adrenaline or something I don't know (what am I, a doctor?).

Another guy who works at the tattoo parlor walks in front of me and says, "Uh-oh, Billy you might want to lower the chair because she's completely white." That's when I realized I hadn't really eaten anything that day, what with all the excitement about the tattoo. Soooo, I almost passed out a little bit. They went and got me a drink, root beer if memory serves and Billy the Tattoo Artist decided that he would not add the shading because he didn't want me to pass out.

Tattoos are fairly addictive, but I made sure to pace myself. I have no plans of becoming a highly inked individual. I knew I wanted something else, but I didn't know what. When I was visiting LeighAnn in Los Angeles for my 21st birthday, she suggested we get more tattoos. She got one and I was all ready to go, but their base price was $100 and I figured I could get a better deal back home.

When they put the bandage over it, I looked
a little suicidal. Laurel came back with the food
and I held up my arm and said, "I just missed
you so much!"

After I studied in Sevilla my senior year of college, I knew what I wanted. The motto of Sevilla looks kind of like this: NO8DO. There's a pretty cool story about it, but I don't feel like typing the whole thing (besides I need to eat dinner and get to the movies to watch Harry Potter). You can read the history of the symbol here. In English, the motto means "It [Sevilla] has not left me". I thought it was appropriate as my experience abroad was amazing and it's something that will never leave me.

I went to Sevilla in 2006 and yet I just got this tattoo now. I've been able to psych myself in and out of doing it for years. I was afraid that I'd forgotten how much it hurt and that I couldn't handle it. Then, my friend Amy made an appointment to get another tattoo. She wanted me to make an appointment too, but I knew I'd convince myself not to do it if I had an appointment (weird, I know). Instead, I just showed up to the place (fairly confident I would be getting the tattoo). Amy's tattoo was being sketched and Laurel had gone to get Chick-Fil-A so I just went ahead and got my tattoo. The end.

What to Eat

2011-07-13T16:42:00.000-04:00

My search for foods that comply with my newfound allergies has begun. It's been magical. To give you an idea...here's the Facebook status I posted about it:

Pop Quiz! Which would be easier: finding restaurants with a wide variety of gluten/wheat/rye/egg-free foods or finding an eskimo mermaid who rides her pet water-breathing unicorn sidesaddle through the lost city of Atlantis?

Now, I'm not going to give away the answer...but I think you can figure it out.

Scratch That

2011-07-11T21:08:00.000-04:00

This is just a silly little post...I've made amazing strides since my last post, those whole two days ago. I did some quasi-successful grocery shopping.

Not too long after I did the questionable shopping on Saturday, I got my food allergy results back. It turns out I'm highly allergic to a couple teeny tiny things...like gluten, wheat, rye and eggs. The bad news is that those items are in just about everything. The good news is that really limits my range of selection in the grocery store.

Look out, grocery store!

Not a Real Grown-Up

2011-07-09T18:49:00.000-04:00

I'm 26 and still not a real grown-up--and not just because I still say "grown up". I cannot grocery shop to save my life. I still live at home while I'm paying off student loans and saving money so Amy Jo is the main shopper in the house. Not to mention I just finished being on Nutrisystem for a full year so I didn't have to think about food that wasn't mailed to me.
Every summer, I dogsit for a friend. And every summer they leave me the credit card to get some groceries for the week. And every summer I purchase the most random assortment of items ever. I buy food like I buy clothing. I buy individual items as opposed to entire outfits or meals. Here's what I got this time:

Special K cereal
blueberries
bananas
applesauce
Pringles (sour cream and onion)
Diet Cherry 7up
Can of refried beans (no other Mexican food. Just a can of beans--I do this EVERY year)
Smart Ones macaroni and cheese
2 boxes of Skinny Cow ice cream desserts
York Peppermint Patty (because I got hungry while shopping)

What kind of list is that? I've set a new goal: successfully be able to purchase proper grown up groceries by the time I'm 30.

Jolly Old Town

2011-07-06T09:59:00.000-04:00

The other day I found myself thinking about The Wizard of Oz. Everything was fine until I started thinking about the lyrics to The Merry Old Land of Oz...then it became a bit disturbing. Check out this video--I couldn't embed it for some reason.

They sing the song once it's been decided that Dorothy & Co. will in fact get an audience with the Wizard. Then everyone is like, "Hey you guys are a hot mess and we can't let you see the Wizard like that. Let's go to the Wash & Brush Co. where they'll clean you up." When they get to the Wash & Brush Co. the facility seems tailor made for a girl, lion, tin man and scarecrow--like those are the only demographics served at the establishment. The disturbing part is when they're working on Dorothy.

Wash & Brush Co. Girls: We can make a dimpled smile out of a frown

Dorothy: Can you even dye my eyes to match my gown?

Wash & Brush Co. Girls: Uh-huh

Dorothy: Jolly old town!

I'm not even going to ask how they make dimpled smiles out of frowns. Had they sung that to me, I would've been concerned. But not Dorothy. Dorothy says, "Hey, while you're at it, how about dying my eyeballs?" What's up with that? Had the movie been made in 2011, Dorothy could've just asked for some colored contact lenses. But the movie was made in 1939 and I'm pretty sure that contacts (or at the very least the colored ones) weren't a thing.

Why was that the lyric they went with? It wasn't like this was based on a true story and they wanted to maintain some sort of integrity. It's just a line in a musical. We could've dyed her socks to match her gown or something normal. But no, we dyed her eyeballs. I would think that, had that happened, Dorothy would've had bigger problems than just getting back to Kansas. Uncle Henry and Aunt Em would have been supporting her all their lives because she would've been blind.

Harry Potter Preparations

2011-06-21T10:17:00.001-04:00

I've officially begun my preparations for the last Harry Potter film's release on July 15, 2011. How does one prepare for such an event? Let me tell you.

Lola decided that she didn't like me reading
Harry Potter. I did debate reading them
to her because I think she'd like them.

Entered the release date in the calendar on my iPhone so I won't forget.
Changed my ringtone to "Hedwig's Theme"
Purchased the first 7 movies on Blu Ray in order to hold a marathon.
Started re-reading all 7 books so the information is fresh in my mind. I started yesterday, read for about an hour and a half and I'm already half-way through book one (Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone). Of course, that was back in the days when Harry Potter books were a manageable size (309 pages) that could be held easily with one hand.
Host a separate film festival for Amy Jo. Amy Jo didn't read all the books, what with being a busy grown up at the time (lame), and she hasn't seen all the movies either so she needs to be caught up one way or another. Last night we watched Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. It's crazy how all the characters look like such little babies in the first movie.
Ideally, this would also include a trip to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter amusement park at Universal Studios...some day! If I were getting married any time soon, that would seriously be on my list of Honeymoon destinations and I'm not even ashamed to say it.

I love Harry Potter. Ar first I thought, it's going to be so weird when there's no more new Harry Potter stuff and then I heard about J.K. Rowling's upcoming announcement. She's creating something called Pottermore and will announce what it is in less than two days. Watch the countdown here.

Man, I wish I'd been a wizard.

You say "Liberal Pussy" like it's a Bad Thing

2011-06-18T12:57:00.000-04:00

My love of bumper stickers is no secret. I've blogged about it many times; six times by my count.

Don't Croak Without Jesus (July 20, 2008)
Check Out This Biz (October 14, 2009)
Drive Me Crazy (May 1, 2010)
I Brake for Blogs (July 19, 2010)
Well That's an Interesting Stance (September 22, 2010)
Apostrophes (December 13, 2010)

Get ready for number 7...

If you don't have something like this on your car all I have to
say to you is, "Why do you hate America so much?"

I was driving around yesterday and I got behind this pickup truck with a decal across the back window. I'm not talking about the majestic ones that take up the entire back window like this American flag and patriotic bald eagle, although doesn't it make you proud to be an American? You know, you don't really see much of this behavior in other countries and I can't help but wonder why? Why don't people in England emblazon the rear windows of their cars and obstruct their view while driving just to show some country pride? I guess that's a question for a different post.

Back to the truck I saw. The decal was just a sentence but I believe it spoke volumes. I'm going to try and recreate it as best I can:

I went to IRAQ to fight for your freedom YOU LIBERAL PUSSY!

There are so many things about this statement that irritate me. Believe it or not, my main issue does not relate to being called a pussy. The most frustrating thing about this is that this person obviously believes that just because somone is against the war that they are against the troops. That couldn't be further from the truth. They're just doing their job and I respect that. I think comedian Mike Birbiglia puts it best when he says:

I love the troops! Because if they weren't the troops, I would be the troops. And I would be the worst troops. I'd be like, "You want me to carry a gun this heavy and run away screaming? That is too many things."

That sums me up in a nutshell. I couldn't possibly do one-tenth of what the troops do and I have never for one second thought that I could. I hate that there has been all this propoganda that makes it seem as though anti-war and pro-troops cannot coexist. I know plenty of conservative people who are/were against the war too. And I know liberals who are/were for the war. Believe it or not, some people are able to separate each individual issue before rendering their opinion.

Now, let's get back to this whole "liberal pussy" issue. I like to think that my being a pussy has nothing to do with my being liberal. My cowardice and weakness attribute to being a pussy, not my political views. If you're going to insult me, I'd at least like it to be accurate. Is that too much to ask?

It's Not that Hard

2011-06-16T16:13:00.000-04:00

There are a variety of aspects of summer vacation that are awesome. One of them is the abundance of time. Unlike during the school year, when something irritates me I have the time to ramble on about it to you, my 7 blog readers.

Today I was running a few errands around town. The final errand was at the Boston Road Kroger. Amy Jo can tell you that I have named and categorized almost all the Krogers around our home (because I use my time wisely). The Marketplace Kroger in Beaumont if obviously nice. The Bellerive Kroger is where I worked for quite some time so everything there makes sense to me. The Brannon Crossing Kroger is the Twilight Zone Kroger because what is up with that store?! Nothing is where it should be and it doesn't make sense and every time Amy Jo and I go in there we get angry. Finally, Boston Road Kroger is the Kroghetto. It's not the most ghetto Kroger in Lexington, but for my side of town it's kinda skanky. I was there because it was the one on my way home.

I was walking in to buy some various Skinny Cow desserts as a part of the lifelong struggle that is my weight. Any way, the girl working the floral department was watering the plants outside. This was my least favorite part of working in floral--your hands always got gross from the hose and your shoes got wet and you had to walk unnecessarily (hmmm, a piece to the weight struggle puzzle presents itself). As I approached the door she set down the watering wand (see photo and hilarious quote below). This is not a particularly fancy watering wand; it cannot be turned off without shutting off the water. So, yea, why wouldn't you just set that down on the ground?

"I saw a product on late night TV. It said, 'You can water your hard to reach plants with this product.' Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach? I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reach. I will throw water at you. Hopefully they will invent a product before you shrivel and die. Think like a cactus." ~Mitch Hedberg

She set it face down because we all know water isn't strong enough to move things. Water never destroys entire towns or anything. As I walked by, the water decided it was tired of having The Man keep it down so it found all its strength and turned the oppressive watering wand over. Oh, and did I mention that it sprayed me with water? Who wouldn't want to walk into a freezing cold grocery store now that they're all wet? Normal people, that's what they're called.

I like to think of myself as an easygoing person. You may disagree based on my blogging, but you must understand that I blog because I try not to say all these things to people right when they happen (also I'm self-centered). I talk about them behind their backs, because I was raised right. I'm a chronic over-tipper, even if the service is terrible I find myself thinking, "well I don't know what's going on in their life and their job might be really hard" or whatever. In this instance, I actually know what the job entails. I did that exact job for several years--and I never sprayed customers with a hose. It's not hard, you just continue holding the watering wand rather than setting it on the ground like a weirdo. It's actually less work to continue holding it than it is to set it down.

America the Beautiful

2011-05-29T09:48:00.000-04:00

I wrote this post while I was still in Argentina, so I suppose it would have made sense to post it sooner but I forgot about it being on my phone.

Traveling always reminds me of just how much I love America. Now I don't want to be a traitor to my generation; I know it's hip to talk about how ignorant Americans are, etc. etc.--and I do! I'm not saying that we're less ignorant but I'm saying we should get a little more credit than we're given.

As my friend Leah pointed out, America acts like it has contributed all sorts of stuff to the world and guess what? IT HAS! America is responsible for a lot of great crap like the Snuggie, the KFC Double Down and the iPad.

Americans are always seen as being loud and confused in foreign countries. This is partially because in many foreign countries they don't observe the basic rules of society like we do in America.

Take, for example, the line. I've traveled to my share of countries and not once have I seen the line properly executed. Some of us wait in line while others just waltz in like they're the most important person on God's green earth. If this happened in America, the line would rally together to correct that person and the cashier or whomever would help. In other countries everyone just looks at each other helplessly. The system breaks down, and then my friend you've got anarchy on your hands.
Let's talk about proper signage for a minute. I was in the Buenos Aires post office, utterly lost due to a lack of signage. I'm not demanding that the signs be in English--I just need something to go on (instructions in some recognizable language, IKEA style picture instructions, PA announcements, SOMETHING). I wasn't the only one who was confused--people from Argentina were looking around like "WTF is this place?" In America, we operate from the mindest that everyone is a moron and that is working out great. We put instructions on anything that will hold still long enough. We take the time to remind you not to use your hairdryer in the bathtub or hold a chainsaw too close to your genitals. It's called caring.

My point is that, there are a number of things we do right and there's no reason for the rest of the world not to get on the bandwagon.

What is it with Me and Coffee Times?

2011-05-29T09:27:00.001-04:00

If you remember my post "And in this Corner, Creepy McCreeperson" from 2009, you know that sometimes I meet strange people [albeit against my will] at Coffee Times. Well, I did it again...although we didn't actually meet.

As usual, Kristin and I were meeting at Coffee Times to catch up on life. I was there to give her a birthday present and tell her all about my recent trip to Argentina. All of our favorite, more secluded seats were taken so we had to sit up front, right by the aisle to go up to the counter and order. There was a guy sitting at the table next to us, working on a laptop. To fully appreciate the story, you need to know what he was wearing. He kind of looked like Milton from Office Space, but thinner. He wasn't skinny, but he wasn't fat. He was probably in his 40s. Sadly, I forget what kind of shoes he was wearing...probably flip flops. He had on shorts (despite the fact that it was about 50 degrees and raining outside) and a black tank top with something about a Lexington Pride Parade written in rainbow letters. He also had relatively thick glasses and a moustache.

We sat down at our small table; he and Kristin were seated back to back, which meant I could look over his shoulder and see what he was doing on his laptop. He also had headphones in, so I probably could've talked about him if I wanted to--but I didn't. For the first part of our conversation, he was watching random YouTube videos. Most of these videos featured drag queens dressed as Lady Gaga, covering Lady Gaga songs. Fine, whatever. I'm not here to judge. Regardless, it was hard to focus on my conversation with Kristin. Little did I know, it was about to get harder.

The next thing I knew, he was on some website called "The Bear Den" or something like that. The tagline of the website boasted that this was the social network for bears. I had already surmised that this guy was gay based on his tank top. I don't remotely care if you're gay, straight, bi or whatever else there is. So now I knew that this gentleman preferred "bears" or large, hairy gay men. While that is a little TMI, it wasn't anything to get me upset. I did find it odd because he wasn't particulary hairy himself. I think I did type a message to Kristin on my phone that I was going to have to tell her about this guy because I was surprised that he seemed to be looking up some rather personal things in a public place.

We start talking again, and naturally my eyes wandered over Kristin's shoulder to see what he was up to now. He was still on the bear site. But now, there were all these little image files that he was clicking on. "Probably profiles of other bears," I thought. He clicked on one and I strained my eyes, because now I was intrigued. Well, it wasn't a face in that image. My eyes strained more. "Wait a minute," I thought, "is that? Noooo. It couldn't be. In the middle of Coffee Times? He wouldn't--oh, apparently he would." That's right. This man was looking at pictures of penises in the middle of the coffee shop.

The Bear Den (or whatever it was called) must also be used for dating. I suppose people want to see what they're getting into before setting up a date, so it appears to be common practice for the men on this site to take pictures of "themselves". Click after click was another random dude holding his dick. I rarely write poetry, but I think that one is pretty good.

I know my eyes got huge because Kristin starts mouthing, "what is he looking at now?" and I just start shaking my head. It just didn't seem right to me--I mean, that's not what free WiFi is for. It's not that I'm a prude, but Coffee Times is a nice place. People bring kids in there all the time. Not to mention, every person who would walk up to the counter could see the screen of his laptop. I decided to say something, luckily, my friend (also named Kristin) was working at the time. Ironically, she was there when we met the cage fighter as well. "Ummm, I don't know what your policy on this is..." I began. The first thing she said was, "What is it with you guys meeting weirdos in this place?!" She told her boss who eventually went and told the man to shut it down.

Kristin and I didn't return to our table. I was a little afraid that he would get mad and try to say it was just because he was gay. It wasn't. I would've said something whether it was a man or a woman looking at gay/straight/whatever images.

What's strange is that Coffee Times is not a shady place. It's in the middle of suburbia and it's not even like they do open mic nights or something that attract all the weirdos and hipster posers. It's just a nice, neighborhood coffee shop. I've never heard of anyone else having these issues there. I guess I'm just special.

What's Your Deal: Aerolineas Argentina (Part Two)

2011-04-18T19:54:00.000-04:00

Now it's morning. I've slept and eaten my complimentary breakfast (which was tasty but upset my stomach). I still haven't brushed my teeth because my hotel didn't offer complimentary toothpaste. I rubbed conditioner on my aforementioned raw thighs because they also didn't provide lotion and I'm wearing yesterday's smelly life jacket clothes. I also found some $10 flip flops at the hotel gift shop and have since freed the blisters masquerading as my feet from Nike's painful grip. I'm sitting outside, waiting on the bus that's supposed to take us to the airport. It's supposed to come at 9. The crazy lady I sat with on the bus last night said something about there being 3 flights to BsAs--I'd better be on the first flight, especially considering they tried to bump me yesterday. If need be, I'll make a big old-fashioned American scene.

I debated getting a taxi and beating the buses to the airport but there aren't any taxis around. If one pulls up, I'll know it's meant to be. I do hate the idea of paying more money in a situation that's out of my control, but let's face it, I've been paying all night. You know, this hotel is pretty nice...I wish I could enjoy it.

I gave in and got a taxi. So there went another $25 of my money. I arrived at the airport and got in line. Someone came up and told the people behind me that their flight was delayed. I laughed and said, "well, at least it's not cancelled. The flight last night was cancelled and I've been stuck here." I waited through the line and was told that the flight would be boarding at 12:30--so I would get to spend another 3 hours in the airport (which is fun because they've got all kinds of stuff like...chairs). I dropped a significant amount of change at the airport (but did get some great gifts for people...including myself).

Before I knew it, we were going through the same old song and dance of a delay. The flight kept getting pushed back later and later. I went to the counter (waited through the line) and asked them what was up. The claimed that the flight was "coming". "So is Christmas, the Apocalypse, and death," I said, "what's coming now?" Basically these people didn't have to tell me anything. That's when I texted Amy Jo and asked her if she thought I could go demand money. She said it was worth a shot, so I went back downstairs and waited through the line all over again.

"Hi." I said, "Can I have some money?" The agent was rightfully perplexed. "Do you want to cancel your flight?" she asked me. "Oh no way. I want the hell out of here but you've stolen 16 hours of my life and I think you should give me money," I responded. That's when she told me that I could only get my money back if I cancelled my flight but our flight was coming. The next part of the story involves me marching over to the competing airline's ticket counter and asking if they had any flights because I needed to get out of here before I punched someone.

We finally got on a plane. I left that airport at 1:30 p.m. Only 16 hours after I was supposed to leave. Come to find out that Aerolineas Argentina is owned by the government and that's why they can do whatever they want without having to explain themselves. I've determined to open my own airline in Argentina because the people need reliable air transport!

What's Your Deal: Aerolineas Argentina (Part One)

2011-04-18T19:25:00.000-04:00

This story of my trip to Iguazú is written progressively, over time...but here it is.

So the part where I'm actually at Iguazú Falls is amazing. Everything else about the trip sucked--thanks to Aerolineas Argentina. I planned a day trip to the falls because I had heard that they were freaking amazing (I was not misinformed). The plan was to leave Buenos Aires at 7:55 a.m. I got up at 6 and was in line at the airport shortly before 7. The line took forever, but at 7:35 or so I checked in and was told to go to counter 4. No one was at counter 4 except me and 2 other travellers who'd been given the same cryptic instructions. We finally found out that the flight is "full". Despite my Orbitz document saying that my seat was confirmed when I bought the ticket weeks before, I had been bumped. They went ahead and arranged a seat for me on the flight leaving at 1:35. My flight back to BsAs was leaving at 9:30 p.m. that night--so I was getting screwed.

We were all pissed in our respective languages and went to talk to Guadalupe (the woman in charge). Unlike her saintly namesake, Guadalupe was not being the most helpful person. Well, she was offering me transportation back to my hotel for the duration of the wait...but I wasn't staying in a hotel. All we could do is sit there and wait for cancellations. If 1 seat opened up, I got it. If 2 seats opened up, the couple got it. Finally, I decided to talk to Guadalupe. "I don't understand," I growled, "this document says that my seat is confirmed and I want to know who the fuck is in my seat?!" Thankfully, the f-bomb was not lost in translation on Guadalupe. She explained that yesterday there had been an accident involving a number of birds flying into the jet engine and all the people from those flights had priority today. I felt a little bit bad about the f-bomb, but I was more nervous about the whole bird fiasco. Do I really want to share the skies with suicidal and/or kamikaze birds?

I sat and waited, freaked out internally about being brought to my demise by birds, and had a nice "angry cry". Good news was that a seat opened up and I got it (sorry lovebirds). Obviously, the birds had wised up and not pulled any fast ones. But, there was another person sitting in my damn window seat...once again, I was nice and let her sit there (why do I keep doing that?). But I felt that this evened out the inappropriate language towards Guadalupe, but all this lady did was sleep. Waste of a window seat, lady!

So them I'm at the falls and it's great. I took over 400 pictures. Seriously. Anyway, I return to the bustling airport of Iguazú. It makes the Bluegrass Airport look like Heathrow or JFK. I was 3.5 hours early but I had lost all feeling in my feet (other the massive blisters) and I just wanted to not move. I was also experiencing a delightful feeling of raw skin on my left thigh--you see, I'd gotten SOAKED at the park and although I have lost a decent amount of weight, my thighs still have been known to touch while walking...fun times. Oh, and I also smelled like a dirty life jacket.

My flight was the only one left that night. Imagine my shock when the only flight leaving (or arriving for that matter) is delayed. What is going on with the world? [Here's where the story turns into a stream of consciousness thing]. So that's where I am right now. It's 9:50 p.m. and I'm sitting in the airport, exhausted and confused. I've been awake for 15.5 hours--which doesn't sound like a lot but I toured the bejesus out of those falls. Plus I didn't get the best night's sleep because I was excited. Oh, did I mention I can't get into Leah's apartment without her letting me in? And now who knows when I'll get back?! Awesome. Plus people near me have been speaking some super annoying language. And now this dude is drinking mate which is weird and I'm still unsure of it.

I also don't even have my kindle because I didn't want to get it wet. So I can't continue reading Are You There Vodka, It's Me Chelsea and I think that would really cheer me up. I should've taken off 20 minutes ago. Instead, the power just went off. It came back on pretty quickly...but still. This is decidedly worse than sitting in Bluegrass Airport that one time. I have no ability to play on my phone--tweet, Facebook, what have you. I have nothing to read and no one to talk to.

An hour after our departure time, the flight was cancelled. The airline put us all up in hotels--something tells me they are quite familiar with this procedure. We get to the hotel (22 km away) and I rush in so I can just get my room and go to bed. Well, the rooms aren't ready. Of course. The hotel suggests that we eat dinner (on the airline's dime, of course). But it's 11:30 going on midnight (ironically right around the time I should've gotten back to BsAs) and I'm an American. I ate dinner hours ago. Also, why aren't the rooms ready this late? I loiter around the counter until they finally just give me a room. I was too tired to shower. I had no toothpaste, pajamas...nothing.

What's Your Deal: American Airlines Passenger

2011-04-18T18:45:00.000-04:00

My trip to Argentina had just begun. I boarded my flight in Louisville, prepared to make the first leg of my trip (Louisville to Dallas). I get to my row and there's some Asian dude in my window seat (his race is actually essential to the story). I decided to be nice and let him sit there. I figured that the flight was reasonably short and it would be some good karma or whatever. However, I wasn't going to stand for any of these shenanigans on my long flight. I'll totally take what's mine on that flight.

Anyway, I squish in between him and some other dude who seems nice (but married and thus worth less of my and my monumentally loud biological clock's time). Seat stealer is also hogging the arm rest, btw.

Most of us are waiting to to learn all about how to buckle a seat belt and get this show on the road, but seat stealer is watching movies on his iPad. I'm not sure that he got the memo about iPads being earbud compatible. He's watching these movies as though we all requested to listen to some B-list Matthew McConaughey film. Surely this won't go on the entire flight--oh but it will. I must say, that iPad has an impressive battery life. I debated saying something to him, (such as, "hey, you can either steal my seat OR be an annoying iPad douche, but you can't do both"), but I was fairly certain he didn't speak English.

"My what a racist assumption," you might be thinking, "just because someone is foreign doesn't mean they don't know English." You couldn't be more right. HOWEVER. He had the Chinese subtitles turned on. Let's think about that one. The sound of the iPad is what's annoying everyone and this douchebag doesn't even need the flipping sound on because he's reading all the dialouge anyway! WHAT'S YOUR DEAL?

Luckily, my teeth grinding managed to drown out most of the audio and I was able to read my book.

FYI

2011-04-11T09:18:00.002-04:00

I am back from Argentina and while I was gone, I did manage to write several posts (thanks to being trapped in a very small airport). I should be able to get those up ASAP! Just wanted to let all 3 people who read this know! LOL.

The Mall

2011-03-20T09:16:00.000-04:00

I went to the mall yesterday in hopes of finding some spring clothes for my upcoming vacation. Typically, when I go to the mall, I don't venture beyond Macy's. But I had some various birthday coupons and stuff, so I decided to explore the rest of the mall. I was immediately reminded of why I never do that.

Kiosks I hate kiosks. I feel bad for the people that work at them...but not so bad that I'm willing to put up with them hollering at me and trying to stop me and ask me about skincare or something. Just the thought of it stresses me out. I usually dart around them, pretend I'm on the phone or go into a store I'm not remotely interested in. Amazingly enough, I was not harassed by any kiosk employees yesterday, but the stress was still there.
Sunday Walkers I have the same problem when I'm walking the halls at school. How is it physically possible for some people to walk sooooo slooooowwwwww? I understand if you're old, but these people were not old. I'm not saying that everyone should walk as fast as I do (although they might be surprised at what they got accomplished, because I walk very fast), but for the love of everything: walk with a purpose. Have you ever noticed how when you're trying to get around these people they seem to zig-zag back and forth to completely block you from passing? I don't know why they want to make my head explode, but they're doing a fabulous job.
Disgusting Sights Yesterday I saw two different men in jean cut-off shorts. I also saw a couple making out in the middle of Macy's--did I mention they were about 60? These are all things that I can never unsee.
Children After I'd been to every conceivable store, I headed back towards my car. While making my way through the crowds of slow walkers, aging make-out artists and the extremely fashion challenged, I kept seeing young girls dressed as baby hookers (to borrow a phrase from the most recent episode of 30 Rock). What parents are letting their children go out like this? I'm sure some are OK with it, but I suspect that most of them have no idea. This made me terrified to ever have children. You might think your kid is one of the good ones, but how do you know she's not at the mall dressed like a small-town slut at the age of 12?

It was a very stressful trip, and I do not anticipate leaving Macy's anytime in the future.

The Other Side of Twenty

2011-03-13T09:25:00.001-04:00

It's official. I am now closer to thirty than twenty. I turned 26 yesterday...I don't want to say I'm freaking out, but it definitely feels different. I guess I'm always thinking about the things I thought I would have accomplished by certain times in my life. I never had any specific goals, more like assumptions based on TV and movies. I know it's a ridiculous thing to evaluate your life on, but whatever.

Did I ever in 1,000 years think that at the age of 26 I'd still be living at home? Nooooo. I always assumed I'd have a kick ass apartment. Granted, I'm paying off my student loans way faster by doing this so I know it's a good decision but it doesn't change the fact that it makes me feel slightly lame. Did I think I'd still be alone when I was 26? No. I'm not saying I thought I'd be married with a baby or anything, but I thought there'd be someone. Instead, it's just me, Amy Jo and Lola living la vida loca. I did figure I'd have a dog by now, so check that one off the list.

On the other hand there are positive things I've achieved that I never thought I would. I never really thought I'd be a teacher. Well, that is I never considered it outside of playing school as a child and when I started the masters program in 2009. There's another thing--the masters degree. I never planned on getting one of those, much less getting it in 11 months all before I turned 25.

Just like with everything, there are positives and negatives. Naturally, it's much easier to focus on the negatives while the positives fade into the background.

Unfortunately, I don't have time to say much else. I'm working on finishing up KTIP and planning my spring break trip to Buenos Aires, Argentina! I'm so excited--I can't wait!

Kids Say the Darndest Things

2011-02-23T20:54:00.000-05:00

I feel like my students have been saying a lot of funny things lately...so I thought I'd share them! Maybe I'll throw in some classics, too. Students are masters of the non sequiter. Most of these comments came in the middle of class, often times as an interruption to my lesson.

"Miss Black, can you hold on to this pencil until I have your class again? I won't need it until then." This kid's pencil is in my desk as I type this. Mind you, our school has block scheduling so I won't see this student for 48 hours. In the next 48 hours, he does not anticipate needing a pencil for anything.
"Look, Miss Black--my dog literally did eat my homework." This statement was accompanied by a student's workbook that had clearly been chewed up by a dog. There was also a note from a parent verifying that the dog did in fact eat the workbook. I totally believe this kid, Lola would chew up a workbook in a heartbeat. However, the homework in question was not from the workbook.
"Miss Black, how do you spell gonorrhea?" An oldy but a goody. A student asked me this last year. I had to reply with, "I have no idea. Gonorrhea isn't really my area of expertise."
"Miss Black, why can't football players have intercourse before a game?" This girl raised her hand and called me over to her desk. Silly me, I thought the question would be related to the assignment. When I asked her what prompted her to ask me that question she said, "I don't know, I thought maybe you dated a football player."
"My special plant is inside my dresser." This was included in a composition about each student's "perfect room". Apparently, my mind was in the gutter when I assumed this special plant was something of an illegal nature. "Naw, that's not what it is. It's...um...what's it called? Oh yea, marigold."
"I take my guinea pig for walks."
"This is a stick up. Give me an A or else." This probably doesn't seem amusing, until I tell you that the kid had his ski-hat pulled over his head while saying it.

Puppies v. Babies (aka World's Cutest "Fight")

2011-02-13T07:56:00.000-05:00

Here's some fair warning: this post may be slightly controversial and thought-provoking. I suspect it will be the topic of discussion at water coolers across the nation soon.

I can't remember if I've blogged about babies before. Lots of people I know are getting engaged or married and having babies (not necessarily in that order). It's weird. I mostly like babies. Sometimes they suck, but everything sucks a little at times. I'm in favor of having my own baby or babies at some point in my life. That being said...why is it that when people have babies they become condescending and believe they have reached this level of intelligence that you can only attain through childbirth? *I should probably take this point to mention that I am not talking about anyone I know; I'm merely speaking in generalities.

I hate to break it to those people, but making and having a baby is not hard. Please note, I did not say that raising a child isn't hard--because I'm betting it totally is. But people develop this condescention shortly after having a baby, as though the hardest part is behind them. At that point, all they've done is have sex, be given an excuse to pack on some pounds and get the baby out. Now, I am not remotely interested in that last part. I have a very strong feeling that childbirth is not something I can handle, but that's another post for another day. The actual point of this post is to compare infants and puppies.

I'm currently in the process of getting sick (what's new) and I am sleep deprived which always guarantees illness for me. Why am I sleep deprived? Lola (I've highlighted her horns and forked tail because her cuteness usually renders them invisible). I love this dog, but at times I think she might be trying to kill me. Although I do not have a baby, I am a new parent. A puppy parent. And I'm here to tell you that being a puppy parent is just as hard as being an actual parent. I'm sure you're thinking, you can't compare the two because you don't have a baby. Amy Jo agrees with my opinion--this could be because she's smart and knows that when I'm tired I get cranky (not unlike an infant) and it's in everyone's best interest to agree with me, but I'm pretty sure it's because she knows it's true. But wait, I've got reasons!

Puppy Parenthood v. Baby Parenthood

Sex: Parents of babies got to have sex before they had a baby. Possibly, lots of sex. I did not have sex in order to get a puppy. Unless you're operating under the barter system and you really want a puppy. I'm pretty sure sex is never payment in exchange for a puppy. I did get to staple mesh netting around the bottom edge of the fence in my backyard so that my tiny puppy couldn't escape the yard. That's not the same as sex. Not even a little.
Wake Up Calls: Babies get their parents up a lot. So do puppies. However, you don't have to take your baby outside in the freezing snow to go to the bathroom. You just change their diaper. And, when your baby starts crying, it's probably because they have already gone to the bathroom and just require a clean up crew. Going to the bathroom for a puppy can often include sniffing the entire backyard. Or sometimes puppies are liars. They don't need to go to the bathroom, they just want to find that thing they buried or eat snow. Also, you don't have to worry about babies eating their own poop.
Maternity Leave: Did anyone give me time off from work because I got a puppy? No. Even though I'm doing the same amount of work.
Growth & Development: Puppies grow a lot faster than babies. They are also way more wriggly and a lot faster. Babies can't even walk or crawl for months after they're born. So, when you set your baby down somewhere, you are pretty confident that the baby will not move on its own.
Post-Partum Depression: OK, babies probably win on this one. But it's very hard to leave your puppy, too. And you can take your baby with you places that you cannot take a puppy.

I could sit here and compare puppies and babies all day, but like I said before, I'm exhausted.

The Human Race: Now Filter Free!

2011-01-30T16:10:00.000-05:00

Last week was an interesting one as far as work was concerned. School was cancelled on Monday even though there was barely any snow or ice on the ground. Nobody knew what was going on, but whatever. And then Wednesday rolled around. Wednesday featured snow, ice, slippery roadways...and school. Buses were late, kids spent the entire day asking and complaining about the weather and in some cases they refused to work because they didn't want to be there.

I had the school district's Facebook page open on my computer in case there was an announcement about school getting out early or something. Lots of people are fans of the school district page--parents, students, teachers, etc. The comments from parents and students (mainly parents) were insane. These people were beyond mad! I certainly don't blame them for being upset, I had a tricky time getting to school that morning, too. Some of the comments seemed as though the people were out for blood. They wanted the superintendent's head on a platter or something. Finally, the person who runs the page had to point out that school district employees are human beings who can make mistakes. It was a mess. I determined that I want to avoid pissing off the parents of the students I teach.

It didn't matter. People wanted him to get fired. There was a televised announcement about the incident at lunchtime and from what I've heard, every story on the news that night was about our county not cancelling school. The non-snow day is not the real reason I'm writing this post. As I read through the hundreds of comments on the Facebook page, it became apparent that people have no qualms about voicing whatever is on their minds.

There used to be a mental filter in our brains that said, "Hey, I might feel this way but I need to be more diplomatic about voicing those feelings." Not any more. At the risk of sounding like some researcher observing the effects of technology on people, I think a huge issue is the internet. Anybody can read a story, blog, joke, etc. online and leave a comment about it. I have previously mentioned that reading comments on news stories and YouTube videos is always amusing for me because people have strong feelings about everything. The story could be about peas being some sort of super food and the comments would probably include things like: "F*** peas and everyone who eats them," "peas are a government conspiracy," "everyone is a moron except me!" I don't like peas, but at the same time I don't feel like wasting a significant portion of my life announcing that to the world. I've also noticed that there is almost always at least one comment in which the person accuses someone else on the comment board of being a Nazi. I don't know why--maybe these people have no idea of what the Nazis actually did. Sidenote, the other great thing about online comments is when the same people log in to see if anyone has commented on their particular comment and then they get in an argument on the comment board.

The internet allows us to unleash some hard core rage against people without having to look them in the eye. In plenty of cases, we don't even have to know the person to go all mental on them. It's a little disturbing if you ask me. Just something to think about...if you disagree, feel free to leave an intense comment.

Can You Handle It, Seaside Heights?

2011-01-22T12:23:00.000-05:00

I'm proud to say that a decent portion of my snow day yesterday was spent catching up on this season of Jersey Shore. My students will be happy because they've been wanting to talk about the show for a few weeks but I hadn't had a chance to watch a single episode.

For season 3, the gang has returned to Seaside Heights, New Jersey--my personal theory is that no city can handle the cast of the Jersey Shore for two consecutive seasons. They're in the same house and working at the same t-shirt shop. What's weird is that with the popularity of the show, a whole bunch of the t-shirts in the shop are Jersey Shore themed. So you could be buying your "I Heart Snooki" shirt from Snooki herself. I did watch Ronnie sell someone a shirt that said, "Don't Fall in Love at the Jersey Shore," which was supposed to be his motto in season one until the Succubus that is Sammi Sweetheart took him hostage.

I am disappointed to say that Amy Jo is being a big quitter and has elected not to watch season 3 with me. I'll admit, I was nervous that the return to Seaside Heights would not be as entertaining...but so far I have been proven wrong. Amy Jo was confused as to how they could already be on season 3 when the show just started last summer. I explained that with the way these people treat their livers, MTV doesn't have time to follow the traditional television series timeline of one season per year. Instead, they move the guidos and guidettes around to a different warm climate in every season of the year and just keep filming.

Allow me to catch you up on what's happened thus far:

The very first episode included a fist fight between Sammi and JWoww. I'm not joking, they'd been at the house for all of 6 hours and a fight broke out. That has to be some sort of record.
Sammi and Ronnie are still together, fighting all the time and isolating themselves from the group. Did I mention that they were the first to arrive to the house and decided to comandeer the upstairs bedroom with 3 beds? WTF? So now Situation has to share a room with the happy couple.
Sadly, Angelina couldn't return this time...wait, is sadly the word I want here? Oh no, I meant THANK GOD. Anyway, she's probably too busy with her rap career. That's right, I said rap career. She has a rap song called I'm Hot (I'm not OK with the title being a lie). If you haven't listened to it and/or read the lyrics, get on it. It will make you laugh and weep for humanity all at the same time.
So, to keep the guy:girl ratio even, we needed a new guidette. Enter Snooki's friend Deena. So far she doesn't bother me. A self-named "Holiday in a Glass" she's a lot like Snooki, but she lacks that certain je ne sais Snook or as Amy Jo puts it, "The Snook Factor". I like Snooki better. Possibly because her name is Snooki.
Snooki gets arrested for Public Intoxication on the beach.
JWoww and Tom break up. Then JWoww and Snooki have to drive to JWoww's house and save her dogs and discover that Tom has stolen some of her stuff.
Deena hooks up with a guy that looks EXACTLY like Ronnie. And Ronnie knows him. Maybe he's Ronnie's stunt double.

I'm looking forward to the rest of the season. Based on the preview clips I've seen the most exciting thing is yet to come: Sammi Sweetheart leaves (3 seasons overdue if you ask me).

Skullduggery

2011-01-11T15:34:00.000-05:00

While my brother was studying for the GRE, he was learning all sorts of new vocabulary words. He mentioned that the first time he took the test the word "skullduggery" was on it. I'd never heard that word before, and neither had he. He looked it up when he got home.

I have a hard time understanding why the GRE people think that this word is important enough for potential grad school students to know. However, it's pretty obvious that the word is awesome. So I'm going to try and make it mainstream. I've already used it several times, which PS is really hard.

I don't really have anything else to say about skullduggery, I just think it's a weird word.

I've Been Thinking

2010-12-28T11:23:00.000-05:00

I've come up with some fantastic ideas over the break and I thought I'd share them.

Valentine's Day: Instead of people who are in couples getting presents on Valentine's Day, those people now have to give presents to single people. The single people are the ones who have it so hard; we're the ones who deserve presents. Not to mention it would help put an end to bad relationships. So many people stay in relationships just so they have someone...but if you got a present to end your bad relationship, you'd do it.
Confrontation: Most people hate confrontation. I, on the other hand, love it. So, I'm thinking that I'll create a business in which people will hire me to take care of their confrontations for them. Think of how fast I'll pay off my student loans!

I know I thought of other stuff but I can't think of it right now.

Must-See Christmas Movies

2010-12-16T10:54:00.000-05:00

I think we've established my love for TV and movies. I'm also a creature of habit. I have certain movies that I enjoy watching at certain times. For example, I enjoy watching CSI when the weather is gross. My list of must-see Christmas movies keeps growing and growing so I thought I'd share it with you. If you haven't seen some of these, get on it!

A Muppet's Christmas Carol. This is my absolute favorite version of the classic tale and I absolutely HAVE to watch it every Christmas Eve.
A Christmas Story. I feel that this is implied. Everyone needs to watch this on Christmas Eve, too.
Christmas Vacation. Does it get any better than Randy Quaid in that rusted out RV?
The Holiday. Romantic comedies that have come out over the past few years have been rather lackluster, but this one was fabulous! I first saw it in Spain while I was waiting to come home from my semester abroad, so it's got even more special meaning for me.
Home Alone. Bumbling burglers thwarted by an obnoxious kid? What's not to love?
Love Actually. I could sit and quote this movie all day long. I LOVE it.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas. I need to specify that I mean the cartoon version, not the creepy live-action one.
A Charlie Brown Christmas. It's worth it just to watch Snoopy do his little dance.
It's Christmastime Again, Charlie Brown. I like this one much better than the original Charlie Brown Christmas movie.
Rent. It's not really about Christmas, but much of the story takes place at Christmas and it's wonderful.
Die Hard. An unlikely Christmas classic, nonetheless, here it is.
You've Got Mail. Another movie that takes place at Christmastime but is not specifically about the holiday.
Jingle All the Way. Oh, Arnold. Oh, Sinbad. That's all I have to say about that.

Please note that It's a Wonderful Life is not on this list. I hate that movie.

I don't know if I was happier when, um, George Bailey destroyed the family business, or, um, Donna Reid cried, or when the mean pharmacist made his ear bleed. I didn't watch the ending, I was too depressed. It just kept getting worse and worse. It should have been called, "It's a sucky life and just when you think it can't suck any more it does." ~Phoebe Buffay, Friends "The One Where Old Yeller Dies"

Apostrophes

2010-12-13T08:46:00.000-05:00

I saw this in the mall parking lot the other day. Number one, I hate these family window clings. Number two, I don't understand the apostrophe.
I've always considered myself to be a Grammar Nazi. I can understand when people make grammatical errors, but I get really irritated when the error has theoretically gone through some official channels of business. At some point in the creation of this irritating window cling, you'd think that someone would've said, "Hmmm. What's up with that apostrophe? Are the Jones in possession of something? Is the name Jones some sort of contraction that the world is unaware of?"

Maybe everyone needs to see this article: How to Use Apostrophes.

A Few of My Least Favorite Things

2010-12-11T10:29:00.000-05:00

I can't believe I forgot to tell y'all about coming home to find Amy Jo watching Sarah Palin's Alaska about a month ago. "Are you watching...Sarah Palin?" I asked. "I'm watching it for Alaska," replied Amy Jo. Long story short, I've had to set up a series recording on the DVR for this show. While I don't like Sarah Palin's politics and have recurring nightmares about her ever having been in charge of any body of government, I've always believed that she seems like a nice lady and a good mom. I will admit that the Alaska scenery is breathtakingly beautiful, but the show itself might be the most boring thing since Lawrence Welk. Allow me to sum up almost every episode of the show:

Sarah's folksy and mysteriously Minnesota-esque accent welcomes us to each episode, "Blah blah blah, Alaska. Other stuff and I like Alaska."

Cut to theme song, sung by Three Doors Down I believe.

Our scene opens on the Palin household...

Sarah: Life in Alaska is different than life in the lower 48. No one other than Alaskans understands anything about Alaska. See, in Alaska we use these things called forks and breathe oxygen. Sure, these things sound like typical activities for everyone but no one else appreciates it because they don't live in Alaska.

Montage of beautiful scenery.

Sarah: Today, just like every other day, we're doing something involving salmon and guns. And to get to wherever we're going, we'll be taking either a helicopter, one of those planes that can land on water or a giant RV. Cars? We don't need no stinkin' cars. We have to make sure this trip is special for Bristol because she's had such a tough year.

The Palins are now divided between Todd's boat and Track's boat in Bristol Bay.

Todd: Alright, let's get all these salmon out of the nets!
Sarah: See, in Alaska our idea of fun is working together as a family. It's like Little House on the Prarie, but somehow less exciting. We should get a bus and start a family band!
Piper: Hey, let's make a game out of this work! We can see whose boat can get the most salmon. Me, Mom, Dad and Willow versus Track and his mono-syllabic friends. Bristol and Tripp can be the judges.
Track: Um, I don't like it when people try to compare me to my dad. Also, I'm rarely on this show so people tend to forget I exist.
Sarah: Wholesome family fun, just like the good old days!
Bristol: Mom, you have prom hair.

The Palins clear their nets of all the delicious salmon.

Sarah: Well, Track and his friends won the contest but we all had lots of fun. That's the thing about Alaska, kids don't need fancy videogame whatchamacallits and texting dealies. Kids just need good, supervised fun. Gee, I'm chilly, where is my NRA hoodie?

The Palin family watches the sun set over Bristol Bay. The end.
Apparently, an upcoming episode involves Kate Gosselin and her 8 kids. They're coming up to Alaska to go camping with Sarah and her family. I suspect Sarah is going to have to protect those naive non-Alaskans from the harsh wilderness. Ohhhh, excitement.

Listen Up, A&E

2010-12-05T19:33:00.000-05:00

I'm a pretty big fan of a number of the shows on A&E. The other day I was thinking about how so many of the shows could merge together and form gigantic super shows. For example, let's say that someone was addicted to shopping. That person could go on Intervention to take care of the addiction. While they're intervening, they discover that the person is hoarding all the stuff they buy. Enter, Hoarders. As Dr. Robin Zasio and Matt Paxton are helping with the hoarding, they discover this person has multiple storage units that they can no longer pay for. So then we have to call up the people over at Storage Wars. And finally, the post-hoard house is all gross and infested with bugs so then Billy the Exterminator has to come in and take care of business. I've come up with other combinations as well.

So what I'm saying, people at A&E, is that I could be a very valuable resource to you. I'm more than happy to provide you with multiple other pitches...I am going to have to get to meet Dr. Robin Zasio and Matt Paxton before I give away all my secrets though.

Do I Look Stupid, Glee?

2010-11-24T08:59:00.000-05:00

While I would never classify myself as a "gleek" (mainly because that is the dumbest word ever) I will say that I enjoyed watching Glee last year. The plot was always kind of ridiculous, but so are the plots to most musicals. The main thing was that the songs were good--so good that I could stomach some of the silliness in order to get to the songs. The ends justified the means. I was all excited for this season to start back up...apparently, I shouldn't have been excited.

If anyone reading this watches Glee, you know that the plot lines have gone from silly to balls-to-the-wall moronic. I don't care for having my intelligence insulted on a weekly basis. The songs are still good, but I can't handle watching everything that happens in between the songs. I feel embarrassed when I watch Glee...like I need to have the doors locked, ready to change channels when someone comes in. I felt a similar feeling when I was waiting for my dentist appointment a few weeks ago, being forced to watch Disney Channel's Life on Deck.

As I'm sure you're aware, I love TV. I don't make this decision to stop watching Glee lightly. Once I'm invested in a show, I try to see it through. For example, I'm still watching The Office despite the fact that it hasn't been consistently good in several years. Now, if The Office doesn't call it quits after Steve Carrell leaves, I'm done. But I suppose that's another post for another day.

Who knew that a show could jump the shark by the second season? In a way, that's a bit impressive. But not impressive enough for me to keep watching.

Better Late than Never

2010-11-20T16:47:00.000-05:00

Let me go ahead and tell you something I'm super pumped about. My friends Laurel and Justy recently got engaged and I am so excited for them...however, that is not the truly exciting news. When they announced the engagement, I raised my hand and called dibs on being the flower girl. This is not the first time I've done this either. I have no shame. Most people think I'm joking, but there is always some seriousness in my request.

I never got to be a flower girl as a child. I had so many friends who'd gotten to be flower girls and I was always jealous of them. It probably goes back to the fact that I don't like it when other people have things or do things that I don't have or do. One of my more endearing qualities. I assumed that Laurel would join the ranks with everyone else who has not taken my request seriously. Well buddy, I was wrong.

That's right. About 2 days later, I got the official request to be her flower girl. You're now reading the blog of a future 26 year old flower girl (I should point out that I'm older than both the bride and groom). If you don't think that's awesome, you need awesome lessons.

I'm bringing everything to this ceremony that a more "traditional" flower girl can't:

Even flower petal distribution.
Actually remembering to throw the flowers.
Not bursting into tears, sitting down in the aisle, etc. (basically any and all shenanigans)
Not stealing focus
No bedtime (how many flower girls can party all night?)
No bitchy, over-controlling mother (Amy Jo is pretty chill)
No pesky child labor laws
The ability to assist in all sorts of other areas: bridal showers, bachelorette parties, alcohol and tobacco purchasing, car rental, voting, carpet shampooer rental, lotto ticket purchases, R-rated movie ticket responsibility
Ability to perform the ceremony if need be, thanks to my online ordination certificate. (True story...I should really try and find where I put that certificate).
Spanish translation abilities (something most weddings need)
AAA membership (that's just always a handy thing to have)
Black Belt (in case ninjas attack the ceremony)
Massive wealth of pop culture knowledge to fill any conversational lulls at wedding-related events
Enough brilliant music selections to keep the reception going for hours (Britney Spears, Spice Girls, any and all boy bands, etc.)
An adorable dog who will eat the flower petals I drop (can you say immediate clean up?)
Knowledge of the choreography of Michael Jackson's Thriller, in case the guests demand a show
Access to high school students who would do any and all wedding tasks (decorating, clean-up, valet parking, serving, etc.) for free in exchange for As in Spanish class
Hilarity (what if the ceremony is running late and I need to entertain the crowd?)
I'm actually old enough to appreciate and remember the honor I will be receiving
Awesomeness

There are probably 1,000 more reasons I'm the perfect choice, but I don't have time to list them all. 8 year old me feels so vindicated right now.

19 Kids--Please stop counting!

2010-11-12T22:10:00.000-05:00

Now, it's not in my nature to pass judgement on people I don't know...oh wait, I must be thinking about someone else's nature. I have a blog, thus I not only enjoy passing judgement on others I feel strongly that other people will enjoy my judgements. This past Thursday I was attending a Professional Development course on something technological. I got there early so I started playing on the computer.

I don't typically have time to read the blurbs on news home pages...and by don't have the time, I mean I have important FaceStalking to do. But I had nothing to do waiting for this thing to start, so I perused the headlines and one caught my eye. It was about the Duggars. Amy Jo and I do not care for the Duggars, despite never having watched their show (currently called 19 Kids & Counting, but previously known as 18 Kids & Counting, and 17 Kids & Counting before that). I guess if you're the type of lazy parents who only have 16 kids, you're pretty SOL when it comes to reality TV.

I have a lot of issues with this family. I'm going to completely side-step the issue that the man's name is Jim Bob. Every one of their kids' names starts with the letter J. I find that obnoxious. I don't care for it when parents of normal sized families do it ("and here are our kids, Rachel, Ryan and Rebecca"). I don't understand the need for some sort of gimmick with children. Is it an attempt to reuse monogrammed items? I don't know and I don't want to know.

Also, who needs to have that many kids? I'm not remotely down with what I know of childbirth, I can't imagine what kind of person elects to do that 19 times. I appreciate the desire for a big family (although this family's size is ridiculous), but why not do as Travie McCoy instructed us in Billionaire, "pull an Angelina and Brad Pitt and adopt a bunch of babies who ain't never had shit"?

Here's Amy Jo's big thing with these people: our planet is severely overpopulated (you should watch her reaction when people try to dispute this...or have her retell you a scenario in which this happened) and there are plenty of children out there who need to be adopted and there are all these people just cranking more out babies like Model T's on a Ford Assembly Line. I would like to claim ownership for that similie, that was all me. She thinks that people should have two kids and adopt if they want more. All in all, I think it's a solid plan.

I'm with her on the overpopulation and the thousands of children who need to be adopted out there, but I'm also terrified that this woman would put her life and the life of her baby at risk time and time again with these pregnancies. There comes a certain point at which it is more and more dangerous for a woman to have children; there are health risks both physical and mental/developmental. I'm surprised they have a doctor who advises her to keep going.

I could go on and on, but that's not even the point of my post! In addition to reading the article (which was actually about their oldest son and his wife now expecting their second child) I also read the comments. I always do, because they crack me up. I thought, "Oh man, there are going to be some awesome comments about these lunatics!" Ummm, let's talk about the number of people who commented in defense of the Duggars. Is this country full of people who think having this many children is acceptable or admirable?

I don't even have a way to end this post because I'm still shocked that so many people thought it was completely fine for a couple to just keep having babies and that anyone who thought otherwise was a "Hitler Nazi". That was an actual term used by one of the pro-Duggars, "no more than 2 kids? you must be a Hitler Nazi/" What does that even mean? Like there's some other branch of Nazism, not affiliated with Hitler? Or that there are levels of Hitlerism that will affect our standing on Judgement Day? "Well, I'm no saint but I'm not a Hitler Nazi either...at best, I'm a Manson Nazi or Son of Sam Nazi. No biggie."

If You Can Find a Faker Pork Sandwich, I'd Like to Hear It

2010-10-19T20:54:00.000-04:00

Amy Jo and I were on our way to dinner the other night, listening to NPR. We heard a story about the McRib Sandwich, quite possibly McDonald's most questionable menu item. Basically, the McRib is not a standard menu item--despite the numerous Facebook groups in favor of the possibility of a year-round McRib. The McRib will once again be available starting November 2, 2010. So we're listening to this story, all the while wondering how people could want to eat this sandwich, when I begin telling Amy Jo about how they spoofed the McRib on The Simpsons (of course) in an episode called I'm Spelling as Fast as I Can (season 14).

Krusty Burger gets a sandwich called the Ribwich and, naturally, Homer loves it. Sadly, like its real world counterpart, the Ribwich is available for a limited time only. Homer hooks up with some people who follow the Ribwich around the country, just so they can eat it. Also, Lisa is in a spelling bee.

Almost immediately after I finished summarizing the episode for Amy Jo, NPR did the same thing. They even had a sound byte. So the first observation is that I could work for NPR. I wouldn't interview people, I'd just reference popular culture.

The really interesting thing we learned from this report was that there is a website called McRib Locator. One day, a meteorologist realized he could apply the same principles he uses to track the weather in tracking the McRib sandwich across this great nation of ours. Also, he has driven 10 hours just to get a McRib.

Now, I don't like the McRib (although I've never tried one--it just doesn't seem like something I'd be interested in), but I was oddly excited to hear about this website. I guess it just makes me happy when people devote portions of their lives to oddities.

Who Are You? Who? Who? Who? Who?

2010-10-16T08:08:00.000-04:00

It's 7: 32 a.m. and Lola and I have been up for an hour now. What a fantastic way to start your Saturday...am I right? Not to mention that Lola is now asleep at my feet. At least it's finally starting to get light outside, now I don't have to be so scared. Why am I scared? Well, the most recent episode of CSI scared the bejesus out of me.

I started watching CSI in high school, when my friend LeighAnn told me about a specific episode (I now know it to be titled, Cats in the Cradle). This episode features an old lady found murdered in her home full of cats. Long story short, the little girl across the street is responsible for the murder. The old lady wouldn't give them one of her cats so this little kid stabs her with a pen. And then her sister rats her out and the guilty girl says, "Tattletales go to hell." That's messed up. Just messed up enough to be awesome.

Sadly, CSI and I had to take a break. When my dad first moved to Indiana, he kept his house here in Kentucky. I lived at that house alone. I had to stop watching a lot of my favorite shows: CSI, Law & Order SVU, etc. I couldn't even watch reruns or DVDs I owned. You see, sometimes my imagination can get the better of me...for example if I'm watching a crime show and they don't catch the killer by the end of the episode, then he's probably outside in my backyard. If you ask me, that makes perfect sense. I couldn't even watch certain previews for scary movies. I'm pretty sure I've previously written about the preview for The Others haunting my dreams; I tried to find the post to put a link in, but I can't.

Now that I'm living with Amy Jo again, CSI is back in my life. Our Thursday nights are pretty jam-packed with TV shows (Big Bang Theory, Community, 30 Rock, CSI, Parks and Rec, Jersey Shore, The Office*). The Office has an astrik because at this point we could take it or leave it--seriously, when was the last time that show was as funny as it used to be? If you're aware of the air-times and networks for these shows, you see that we can't watch all of them when they originally air. So we DVR them. Our problem this year (after adding CSI back into the line-up) is that the DVR can't record all these things and let us watch something at the same time. Side bar: I feel like I'm singing my own verse in the classic song, White People Problems. Sometimes we have been known to change our viewing location throughout the night--using different TVs at different time so as to not disturb the DVR; but that gets tiring. Mostly we just wait and watch everything at our convenience, sans commercials. Last night we got caught up on this week's programming, including CSI.

Holy crap. This may be the most frightening CSI I've ever seen. I mean, the one with the doctor performing sex change operations in a storage unit was unsettling, but I'm legit terrified of this bad guy. Just look at this image from the episode:

The killer wears an all black latex suit and creeps hard core on these people--he lives in their house and spies on them and then he attacks them, but doesn't kill them the first time. You see, they're all well-known (and liked) people in the community. But apparently they all have secrets so he wants them to confess or he kills them. I don't care who you are, that's scary. Oh, and did I mention that he appears to be an out-of-work Cirque du Soleil (PS, I spelled that right on the first try) performer because he squishes into these small spaces and walks around all creepy and bendy?! CREEPY! Apparently, his name is Sqweegel--also creepy. And of course, he's a serial killer so they aren't going to catch him in 1 episode. They have to drag it out and make it more interesting. Apparently this killer is from an online novel written by Anthony Zuiker (CSI executive producer). I kind of want to read these books, but Amy Jo is going out of town on business soon and I can't risk opening that can of worms.

I mean, deep down I know that Sqweegel is not going to get me because:

I'm not a highly respected member of the Las Vegas community
I do not have a deep, dark secret such as mercy-killing my son, leading up some right wing morals group while cheating on my husband, or starting fires in order to save people from them
Also, to the best of my knowledge, I am not fictional *However, if you're familiar with the quirky indie film Stranger than Fiction, I could be.

I know all these things and yet, I keep looking behind my shoulder for a creep in a latex suit.

Why I Want to Punch Things: Old Navy

2010-10-09T11:36:00.000-04:00

Old Navy really irritates me. I remember when they first started and everyone was like, "Whoa, this place is great." And it was. Lots of cute clothes for pretty decent prices--what's not to love? Plus, did anyone else ever notice how Old Navy sizes tended to run bigger? That's the key to success in my book. I was watching Say Yes to the Dress: Big Bliss the other day, and Randy mentioned that wedding dresses run about 4 sizes small. That's ridiculous! That means that if you wear a 12 normally, you'll be trying on a size 16 wedding dress. Of all the days a person does not want to feel fat, I'd say that their wedding day ranks in at number one (or at least the top 5). If I had a clothing line, I'd make everything run big. Anyway.

The first thing that happened to make me not like Old Navy was that their quality went to Hell. Everything in that store looked like crap. Plus, almost everything was made of 100% cotton. I'm against that because it gets all stretched out and looks gross on you. So I stopped going there. No big deal, I stop going places all the time.

The thing that makes me legitimately mad at Old Navy is their commercials. Do they have a room full of people who sit around and say, "What's the most irritating thing we could put in a commercial?...Whatever it is, let's do it!" I'm pretty sure they do. Like these mannequins who talk--WHAT EVEN IS THAT?! Those commercials make me want to punch things. Even if I liked Old Navy, I'd have a hard time buying clothes from people who think talking mannequins are going to influence my purchase habits. I will admit that I like their dog clothes and that I just bought Lola's Halloween costume there...she's going to be a bumblebee.

And how about the newest of the "Supermodelquins" commercials that also feature real people? I know it's got to be hard to be an actor...but have some self-respect for crying out loud. I'd rather star only in Lifetime and or Hallmark made for TV movies than be in an Old Navy commercial.

Now Target knows how to make a commercial. I have a lot of respect for the people in marketing and advertising at Target. I'd kind of like to meet them, because why are they so good at their job?!

Reading is bringing me nothing but trouble

2010-09-25T11:10:00.000-04:00

I have no idea what magazine Amy Jo is currently reading...Ruin Everything Erin Likes Monthly, perhaps? Oh wait, it's the Nutrition Action newsletter of some sort. I just asked her the name of it and now I'm listening to an explanation of what it is, what it tells you, when it was founded, how many pages it is...well, I'm exaggerating, but she does have a tendency to answer so much more than the simple question you ask. But she puts a roof over my head, so she can tell me whatever she wants.

Anyway, back to her little habit of reading. She reads all these articles with facts that someone has decided are helpful. In my mind, sample article titles include: Breathing Causes Cancer, Why You Should Stop Doing Everything You're Doing Now, Do You Still Like This Thing? Well, You Shouldn't.

Some of her revelations are easy to get behind. Like switching to organic meat. I'm down with that. As long as you're not trying to turn me into a vegetarian (fat chance). This revelation included her coming home and telling me that she noticed that whenever she goes into Whole Foods, she never sees any fat people.

This morning she has copied me an article on artificial food coloring. She makes me copies a lot...but then she also reads excerpts from said copies so I rarely have to do my own reading. She's reading me something else right now, while I'm typing. Apparently artificial food coloring is made from something terrible...like baby ducks or petroleum. And it causes blindness, leprosy, spontaneous combustion and poor rainfall. However, I enjoy food that has color. Red and blue are two of my favorite flavors.

And what do we get to do with all this new information? Read labels. Have you ever read a label? They're boring and practically written in German or Aramaic (those seem equally complicated in my mind). Do you know what takes so much longer when you have to read labels? Grocery shopping. I hate grocery shopping. Grocery shopping is so temporary. We buy food, we eat it and it's gone. It's not like buying clothes. I can wear a shirt again and again...I can only eat some macaroni and cheese once. On a separate note, due to my dieting I can't tell you the last time I had mac & cheese. I miss it a lot. Probably like most people miss a loved one who has moved away. However, I've lost 19 pounds (and counting) so I guess I can't complain. Maybe if the Nutrisystem macaroni and cheese didn't taste like death...(see what happens when I don't have the opportunity to blog regularly? you get a crazy post that's ALL over the place).

Back to Amy Jo's magazine, which just recommended some sweet potato fries...which sounds good to me. Amy Jo is not the problem. It's the people writing these reports, publishing them, and mailing them to her. She's merely a pawn in their evil scheme.

I'm the type of person who doesn't care what's in a hotdog. I've never been concerned about the grade of meat used by the fine people at Taco Bell. Find me a tastier $0.89 taco--I dare you. Whenever someone says, "do you know what's in that?" I like to reply with, "no, but it's delicious."

I also believe that basically everything causes cancer. Doesn't it seem that way sometimes? Every few weeks a new study comes out where they reveal an item that "helps prevent cancer," and then a few weeks after that they have to take it all back because apparently that item now causes cancer. We can't win and we should probably stop trying.

On another note, my friend Amy mentioned the other day what a great de-motivational speaker I am.

Well that's an interesting stance

2010-09-22T20:25:00.000-04:00

I was sitting in traffic the other day, and naturally I began looking at the bumper stickers on the cars around me. I saw this one, "Unless you're a hemorrhoid, get off my ass!" OK, I get what they're going for with that--obviously they don't like people riding their bumper; who does? But doesn't that statement sound slightly pro-hemorrhoid? Unless you're a hemorrhoid, as though hemorrhoids are welcome and almost expected.
That's curious...quite curious.

PS: I tried to upload a picture of this bumper sticker, but the blog was not having it.

There's a time and a place

2010-09-12T09:42:00.000-04:00

I have a friend who is getting married in less than a week. Last night was her bachelorette dinner & personal shower. I'm usually the wild gift giver at personal showers. Don't get me wrong, I always pick a quality item (usually from Victoria's Secret) but if anyone at the shower is giving you a costume, dice or crotchless anything--it's probably me. However, I do try to pick things that the person will like. And I knew that my friend would not really be into anything like that. Save the leather and handcuffs for another shower.

So I got her a nice gift I thought she'd like (and she did). Then I remembered (from my college days of randomly taking people to Hustler) that at Hustler they had these underwear that had guys names on them. I thought that was kind of silly and fun but not so crazy that she'd never use it (and they probably cost a couple bucks, no huge waste). I had to go to my grandma's house anyway, and it's on the opposite side of town (not too far from Hustler) so I thought I'd swing in and grab a pair.

I pulled into the parking lot and there was a decent number of cars there, and a guy in the parking space facing mine on his phone or something; I didn't think anything of it. I went inside and began my search. Well, first of all they didn't have underwear with the guy's name on them. And he's got a normal name, it's not like I was looking for panties that said "Sebastian" or something. That was disappointing, but then I looked at the price tag--$19.99?! For $20 I expect a product that more than one person can see me in. I quickly look through the rest of the stuff to see if there was anything that might make a nice addition to my gift. Nope. So I left.

When I went to my car, I discovered that the guy in the other car was still there...only now he was reading. Reading a magazine. A magazine with the telltale tri-fold page. What is going on in your life that you can't wait to get your porno magazine back to your home or hotel room? Do you really need to read it in your non-tinted window car, in the store parking lot? I guess there must have been a really good article in there. It was so hard not to stare, but I refrained. I figure the last guy you want to make accidental eye contact with is the creeper (or one of the creepers) looking at porn in the Hustler parking lot.

A lot on my plate

2010-08-31T19:22:00.000-04:00

I feel like every post I write lately begins with some form of "Sorry it's been so long since I posted, I totally plan to post something in the next few days" and as terrible as that is, that's life. Before you start calling me the worst blogger in the world, let me provide you with a brief summary of some of the things going on in my life right now:

Being a mom to the cutest puppy in the entire world...possibly the cutest puppy to ever exist. This includes lots of playing, feeding, going outside to potty (at all hours) and all sorts of other things.
Getting back into the swing of teaching. Sadly, this involved a bazillion meetings, committees, professional development activities, etc. This year, teaching also involves a program called KTIP which should encompass a fair portion of my life this year.
Enjoying the company of a mouse in my classroom. True story. Well, there's not much of a story to it; a mouse briefly visited my classroom before going to visit another teacher. The end.
Having a student give me crap about liking rap music because it "all sounds the same" and then listening to him talk about how much he likes Nickelback. Did I call him out on that? You'd better believe it. I said, "You wanna talk about every song sounding the same? That's Nickelback!" He couldn't disagree.
Listening to another student ask me about a Frida Kahlo poster EVERY time he's in my classroom. Every day...well, every other day because it's block scheduling. I don't have time to explain Frida Kahlo to him...but he doesn't like it when I say, "Just Google her." I really don't know what more to tell him, but I might scream if he asks me again.

And that's just a sampler. There's so much more. What sucks is that I've been thinking about my blog almost every day. Realizing things I need to post throughout the day is pretty standard for me. By the time I get a moment to jot down the idea (much less actually post about it) I've forgotten it.

To end on a cheesy, inspirational email note: at least I have a job and dog I love! And at least I have readers who promise not to hate me for my sporatic posts.

They're in Miami, Trick

2010-08-21T16:47:00.003-04:00

Can we talk about Jersey Shore for a minute? As you may already be aware, last year I wrote not one but two posts on this fantastic show. The second season of Jersey Shore started in July. This time the gang is in Miami (because I'm pretty sure the same city could not handle the cast of Jersey Shore for two consecutive years). It's been on the DVR, staring Amy Jo and me in the face for several weeks now. I won't lie to you--we were nervous. What if it wasn't good (in this case, the definition for good is quite different from the standard Webster's definition). Last night we finally decided to (in the words of JWoww) "man up" and watch. I don't want to say it was the best decision ever...but it was a good decision nonetheless.

The whole gang is back and it only took about 15 minutes for the drama to start. And why did the drama start? Because Angelina is back. If you don't know who Angelina is, consider yourself lucky. Feel free to consult the fantastic cast biography chart on Wikipedia. Thanks to this chart, I just learned that I'm older than everyone on Jersey Shore with the exception of The Situation and Pauly D. Anyway, back to Angelina.

Angelina was on the first season for approximately 3 minutes. OK, maybe a little more. She's nothing but an instigator--always stirring the pot and adding drama. Angelina had to leave last season because she refused to work her shift at the t-shirt shop. As I mentioned in a previous post, Angelina is a bartender. And she does (her words) "great things". Not to mention that during the reunion episode we discover that the guy Angelina was dating during Season 1 was a married man. Classy.

No one was sad to see her go. But I think everyone was sad to see her return. And by everyone I mean viewers and the rest of the cast. I was sad for a number of reasons (including those previously mentioned), but to top it all off...we learn that Angelina doesn't know how to properly dress herself. She has been looking a hot mess in every available shot. Sadly, I can't find a picture. Don't get me wrong--I wouldn't look good in those clothes either, that's why I don't buy them. Even Amy Jo borrowed a new term we learned from The Situation and called Angelina a "grenade".

In closing, I would like to say that Angelina has no business being on Season 2 of Jersey Shore and that Amy Jo and I are looking forward to watching the rest of the magic unfold this season. I'd also like to state that the amount of time I've spent not working on things for school but rather writing this post (not to mention searching for crappy pictures of Angelina on Google and learning that Snooki was born in Santiago, Chile) is a little ridiculous.

School's Back in Session

2010-08-11T19:40:00.001-04:00

First of all, you should be aware that as I titled this post I sang it to the tune of Alice Cooper's "School's Out".

The main point I want to get across in this very brief post is that I've been crazy busy with school preparations, getting ready to graduate with a Master's degree, mentally preparing to start KTIP (Kentucky Teacher Internship Program--a requirement for first year teachers) and whatnot. I feel like I've had very little time for myself (or my blog). I'm certain I'll get into a routine soon enough and get back to more regular posting.

A new topic to look forward to in future posts is definitely Lola. Lola is my dog, or she'll be my dog when I get her in approximately a week and a half. That's another thing that's kept me busy--getting ready for my puppy. Lola is a Morkie (Maltese-Yorkie mix) and I am so excited!

She's a teeny tiny thing. This picture is of her at a month old. She's going to weigh between 3 and 6 pounds when she's full-grown. I can't wait. She's so cute I can barely stand it!

So that's a really quick update with what's been going on in my world. Fear not, Lola and I will find time to write. Amy Jo wants me to have Lola post some entries. I might allow her to chime in from time to time...but entire entries? I don't know about that. I don't want to become the kind of person who sends out email updates about their family and pretends that their toddler wrote it. "Mommy and Daddy are so busy working in the yard but I'm having fun playing in the mud and eating bugs," I don't care for things like that. If that's something you're into...well, fine. I guess that's your right as an American.

This post has turned into a completely different tangent than I had intended. I intended on no tangents; just straight forward: Hey I've been busy, I'll post soon.

Fine Print

2010-07-26T18:10:00.000-04:00

I know I've included a link to the angry customer letter to Proctor & Gamble about Always pads and their "Have a Happy Period" slogan before, but here it is again. I'm including this link because I've never felt more connected to this woman in my life...however, I'm not [currently] irritated with feminine hygiene (although I have spoken out on the subject before). The other day, Amy Jo and I hit up Office Depot because we're in the process of puppy-proofing the house before Lola (my new puppy!) arrives. We're trying to cover up all the various cords so that's why we were looking at an Office supply store. Although we didn't find what we went in for, I did find a portable external harddrive. I had a coupon for $10 off a $50 purchase, which would've made the product about $110 or so. But when I got to the counter, I was told that the coupon did not apply to technology.

Am I the only one who is sick of this fine print bs? If I had a nickel for every time I wasn't allowed to use an alleged "coupon" on something, I'd have enough money to completely eliminate the need for coupons. This has happened one too many times. Office Depot was the straw that broke the camel's back. I looked at Amy Jo and said, "They may have caught me in just the right mood to get an angry letter." I was already writing this letter in my head when I discovered my receipt told me that Office Depot wanted to hear from me. Excellent. Here's what I wrote:

First of all, I should point out that I made this purchase a good 12 hours ago and I'm still pissed.

My problem is not with the specific store; all the employees were friendly, helpful, etc. My problem is with the Office Depot corporation. I'm a teacher and a member of the Star Teacher Rewards program. And if that's not enough, I LOVE office supplies. I've enjoyed being a part of the Star Teacher program, I receive notices about sales and various coupons I THOUGHT I could use. If it weren't for the coupons, I wouldn't go to Office Depot--your prices are FAR from the best. To be quite frank, I find many of your prices to be quite ballsy. It's paper--not diamonds.

Today, I went into Office Depot with a $10 off a purchase of $50 or more coupon. I've received several of these and with school about to start, I was planning on making good use of them. Today I was looking at portable external harddrives and was pleased to find what seemed to be a great one. The price was $119. It seemed like a good deal, and it more than met the requirements of my coupon. Imagine my outrage and irritation when I got to the register and discovered I couldn't use my coupon.

"This coupon can't be used on technology purchases," the cashier told me. "Well, of course it can't," I muttered. Because why wouldn't a coupon come with conditions? Why would a company reward a member of a program with a coupon that could be used on just any purchase? That's just silly.

That's the problem people have with big businesses. You trick us into thinking that you're being generous, only to continue screwing us in the end. Here's a novel concept: if you don't really want to give someone $10 off a purchase, maybe don't send them a coupon. It's not hard. Just don't send the coupon. Not sending coupons is one of the easiest things to do, I do it every day.

In addition to being a teacher, I also have a degree in business. So let's think about this from a business perspective. Today, you were able to keep $10. Good for you. Now tomorrow and the days to come are another story entirely. I just started teaching. There are years and thousands of dollars of office supply purchases in my future. So today's $10 gain is more of a long-term loss when I take my business elsewhere.

Now, I know that I'm probably not going to put a dent in your profits. I also know that whomever is reading this [if anyone] is not the Office Depot President and is in no way connected to prices or coupon exclusivity. I'm aware that my threat to take away my business is ridiculously cliche; and I don't care. It feels good to finally tell someone what I think about companies who behave like this.

Ironically, guess what I'm going to get by filling out this survey? Another $10 off a $50 purchase coupon. That's great, because the one I have right now is about to expire and apparently not good on half the items in the store. So why don't you do me a favor and hold onto that coupon, because I'm certain anything I'd want to buy wouldn't meet the purchase qualifications.

I'm adding the elimination of all fine print to my list of campaign promises should I ever run for President. I also plan on making a campaign promises page on this site so I can keep track of all my brilliant promises.

I Brake for Blogs

2010-07-19T22:41:00.001-04:00

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I don't understand why people put stuff on their cars. I should point out that it was very hard not to end that sentence with, "man, I love being a Turtle." TMNT references aside, I always see strange bumper stickers, etc. on people's cars and I just don't get it. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE reading ridiculous bumper stickers.

I feel strongly about a lot of things, but not to the point where I need everyone behind me to know about it. I will admit, I just recently put a Georgetown College Alumni sticker on my car...but I've now got 2 degrees from that place, a small Tiger sticker felt appropriate. I'm much more likely to purchase a bumper sticker and tape it up to the fridge or my "command center" at work. That way, I can explain my viewpoints to people and force them to listen to me (not to mention hear myself talk). Anyway, I saw 2 humorous car accessories today that I feel compelled to discuss.

The first was a conservative bumper sticker:

I don't have much to say about this...but when I saw it as I walked into the hair salon I couldn't help but think, "I'm pretty sure everyone still has all those things." Am I wrong? That was rhetorical, I'm not wrong...I rarely am. Other than making a mental note to tell Amy Jo about that bumper sticker so she could mutter her favorite insult (Tea-Partier) that's all the thought I gave that one.

I had been planning to blog about this ever since the moment I saw it this afternoon. And when I made it my Facebook status, people "liked" the bejesus out of it, so that sealed the deal.
The other interesting thing I saw today was a license plate frame. I should go ahead and explain that I've never fully gotten the "I brake for this and that" paraphernalia. They're usually ridiculous; it's almost never an animal you see on the road. "I Brake for Moose," who doesn't brake for a moose? Where do you live that the moose to car ratio is so intense that it requires a political stance?

I'd say that the majority of the population brakes for any animal on the road. The slogans make it sound as though everyone else on the road is just running things over like crazy. If it's on the road and in my way, I will almost always brake for it. Have you ever seen one of those stickers and completely disagreed? "Hey, check this asshole out, he brakes for zebras! Zebras can suck it, I'll run 'em all down! I'm gonna follow this guy and run over all the zebras he brakes for!" I'm pretty sure that sentence has never happened in real life. I think the only time I'd ever have that mindset would be the day I see the "I Brake for Hitler" bumper sticker.

Back to the license plate frame. "I Brake for Trains". I was unaware that there was another option. In a car v. train scenario, you can either brake or die. That's it. A car cannot run a train over...a car can, however, ram into the side of the train and endanger the lives of everyone involved. I never thought I needed to advertise the fact that I will brake for trains, but apparently I do.

You read it here first, I brake for trains. I'm also pro-puppy, firmly against cell phone usage in movie theatres and like ice cream. Sorry to get so controversial.

Showdown

2010-07-19T18:18:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I stumbled upon a CSI marathon on Spike and immediately began watching. I'm so used to watching things on the DVR and fast-forwarding through the commercials that I kept getting confused...not to mention irritated. And speaking of irritation, I kept seeing promos for the show Pros vs. Joes. I think it's where regular people have to play sports against professionals or something, I don't really care. Normally, the mere existance of a show doesn't upset me (unless it's on FOX News), but Pros vs. Joes had me pissed off.

Apparently, an upcoming episode of Pros vs. Joes will feature a "fallen sports icon": Michael Vick. Apparently, Michael Vick can win back our love and admiration by participating on some dumb-ass show. I'm absolutely appalled that the show would include that douchebag.

Michael Vick was convicted of financing and profitting from an illegal dog-fighting ring. He also admitted to assisting in the "destruction" of poor-performing dogs through methods such as drowning or hanging. He was sentenced to 23 months in a federal prison. Don't even get me started on how light of a sentence I think that is. I have no sympathy for people who abuse animals or children--I'm very "an eye for an eye" in those situations.

There were almost 50 dogs confiscated from Vick's property and many of those dogs had to be put down due to health issues or an inability to be rehabilitated. 22 of Vick's dogs were sent to Best Friends Animal Society in Utah. Best Friends is a non-profit organization founded on the belief that kindness towards animals makes the world a better place for everyone. These dogs have been successfully rehabilitated at Best Friends; they're called The VICKtory dogs. Some of the dogs will be able to be adopted, and others will probably live out their lives at Sanctuary.

The more times I saw the promo, the more I thought about those poor dogs. And that's when I decided on the only Pros vs. Joes episode with Michael Vick I would support: Michael Vick vs. Dog Fighting Ring. I think he should be literally thrown to the dogs.

Whale Wars

2010-07-13T23:43:00.001-04:00

I just started watching a fantastic show. It's called Whale Wars and it's on Animal Planet, Fridays at 9. And sadly, nothing you see in this photo is on the show...but it's still good. When I first heard about this show, I thought it sounded silly. People who sail around the world, attempting to stop Japanese whaling ships...people who are willing to die for whales? What the what? My friend Rachel finally convinced me to watch an episode. And by "convince" I mean, I was too lazy to get out of my comfy chair when she was watching it. I was quickly hooked...or harpooned, as it were.

This show is nuts. Let's talk about the founder of Sea Shepherd Conservation Society, Paul Watson. He was also a founding member of Greenpeace--until he left because he was too extreme. Too extreme for Greenpeace. That's like a cast member of Jersey Shore saying, "Hey, you're too tan." No one is too extreme for Greenpeace; oh, but wait. His name is Paul Watson.

I'm surprised I wasn't more interested in this show initially, based on my childhood love of Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home. If you're not familiar with this movie, get familiar. The Enterprise has to travel back to the 80s in order to get humpback whales for the future. Whales are extinct in the future and they're going to bring them back so they can un-extinct them. You should watch it for no reason other than Scotty's line, "Admiral, there be whales here!" Also, Admiral Kirk cares so much about getting these whales that he disobeys a direct order and gets busted down to Captain.

The members of the Sea Shepherd Conservation Society are hardcore. They go on these missions for weeks and they're only allowed to shower for 5 minutes, like once a month. They go after all these Japanese whaling ships and shoot stink bombs at them and mostly just screw with them so that they can't kill whales. If I had balls, I'd be one of these people.

Pages

2010-07-09T01:49:00.001-04:00

I discovered a new gadget for bloggers: pages. Apparently, I can create up to 10 pages on this site. I just made the first one, Hit Those Smart Ass Books! In case you were wondering, that is a Simpsons quote. Actually, each page thus far contains a Simpsons quote. The link is on the right side of the screen, at the bottom. I definitely plan on making similar pages for movies and TV shows. I'm not sure what other pages I'll be making (maybe music?), so you might want to periodically check for updates.

I'll also try and update the pages themselves. When I read a new book, see a new movie, etc. I might have to add it to the list! Feel free to check out the pages, or not. I don't care. And it's not like I'll know if you read them or not. The ball is in your court.

Get on Board or Face Burnination

2010-07-05T18:46:00.004-04:00

I've made an executive decision. I need to bring back Homestar Runner. Towards the end of high school and into the beginning of college, this website was the shit. Particularly, Strong Bad Email. As time marched on, I found myself with fewer opportunities to enjoy the site (ain't that always the way?). Before you knew it, it was a thing of the past. Recently, it's as though the fates have been telling me that Homestar Runner & Co. need to return to the limelight. Here are the signs:

A few months ago, I heard my students talking about Trogdor, the Burninator. Naturally, we had to watch the video of Trogdor (once we finished all our Spanish work of course). Trogdor and Teen Girl Squad are 2 of my favorite Strong Bad creations. I'm certain there are no less than 13 videos in existence which feature me singing the Trogdor song, in varying levels of intoxication. As a direct result of this day in class, I go home and watch 1.5-2 hours of Homestar Runner rather than accomplishing any grown-up tasks.
While viewing reruns of Buffy the Vampire Slayer (aka using my time wisely), a character makes mention of Trogdor and his powers of burnination.
About a week ago, my friend Amy tweets that she woke up with a song stuck in her head, and included a link to the song. That song was The Cheat is Not Dead by Strong Bad. I sang that song for at least 3 days (including throughout a recent doctor's appointment).
***NEW*** I forgot about this sign until after I had written this post. A few days ago, a high school friend wrote about Strong Bad & Trogdor on my Facebook page.

My go-to impression voice is still Strong Bad (or any member of the Teen Girl Squad). It's 7 years later, and there had yet to be another voice I've found awesome enough to impersonate everyone in my life.

Kick it old school and watch some Strong Bad right now...or I'll burninate you and your thatch-roof cottage.

Department of Natural Ridiculousness

2010-07-05T18:08:00.000-04:00

I just got back from a fun Fourth of July weekend on Lake Monroe in Bloomington, Indiana. The most frustrating thing about that lake is the wrecklessness taken by most of the people on it. The unofficial motto of the lake is: I do what I want, when I want, "No Wake Zone" be damned. The second most frustrating thing about the lake is a little group called the DNR.

DNR stands for the Division of Natural Resources (not, Do Not Resuscitate). I have no beef with nature. Well, sometimes I do because I'm indoorsy, but I respect nature. I've always considered myself to be a Planeteer (although I wish I had a ring). I support nature, but I do not support the DNR (much like supporting the troops, but not the war--which, I also do). The DNR is ridiculous and if they did their job, the lake would be 67% less dangerous.

Sadly, the event I am about to describe was not witnessed by yours truly. Kristin and I had taken the jet-ski out for a spin and therefore missed all the action. The trusty DNR manages to make it to my family's boat (dodging drunken boaters at every turn) and then refuses assistance in pulling their boat up next to ours with the phrase, "I'm not going to hit your boat. I do this for a living." And that's when he hit the boat. He then issued a warning ticket because the registration letters on the side of our boat are too small. Apparently, they should be 3 inches...and they were somewhere between the 1-2 inch range.

I know what you're thinking, how can we live with ourselves? I'm so full of shame. As he's writing the ticket, boaters are speeding in and out of the no-wake zone to which Deputy DNR says, "Yea, they don't really follow that rule." Wow. If only there was someone...some sort of organization that could enforce lake law. I suppose this guy had been told that he could only talk to people about appropriate sticker size and was unaware that he has the power to make people obey the more important regulations regarding water safety. That's too bad.

And then, as he drove off into the sunset, seeking out other rogue pontoons with illegal stickers, he hit our boat again.

I Want to Meet This Baby

2010-07-01T13:57:00.001-04:00

I've already seen this commercial about 10 times today...and I love it every time. I want to meet this baby. He's so fashion-forward. In a world of crappy commercials, every once in awhile they manage to get it right. This one cracks me up! If I knew any babies, I'd totally buy them these diapers.

This commercial makes me think of an episode of Friends called, "The One Where Rachel's Sister Babysits". After Amy babysits Emma for one afternoon (and pierces her ears--you know, to make her nose look smaller) she decides she wants to be a baby stylist.

Amy: I'm going to be a baby stylist.
Rachel: What?
Ross: That's not a thing!
Amy: Well, it should be. I'm going to help babies learn how to accessorize, what colors to wear, what clothes are slimming...
Rachel: Babies don't care if they're slim!
Amy: Enter Amy.

For whatever reason, I can't embed the video so you'll have to settle for a link.

Unearthed Pictures

2010-06-27T18:47:00.000-04:00

This is a serious post, but I think it's really important cause and I want people to know about it. My friend Rachel recently began working for an organization called Unearthed Pictures. Unearthed Pictures is a non-profit organization that exists to bring light issues such as human trafficking. Human trafficking is one of those things that we all know exists, but I don't think we realize just how prevalent it is (even in our own country)! Here are some statistics that should shock you:

27 million people are enslaved today. 80% of them are women and 50% of them are children.
A woman in South Africa has a better chance of being raped than learning to read.

That is insane and unacceptable (to say the least)! When Unearthed first visited my church, they mentioned the fact that during the 2010 World Cup, South Africa would be legalizing prostitution.

I've often thought about the pros and cons of legalized prostitution. In America, prostitution is legal in Nevada and it is highly regulated. I don't want to say that seems like a "good idea" but at least the women get tested regularly, etc. Not to mention, if prostitution is legal, they have to pay taxes. In a lot of ways that seems to be a logical way to regulate an industry that appears to have a never-ending stream of customers. As long as these women are aware of what they're doing, making a conscious decision to sell their bodies, it's fine, right? That may be the attitude taken by many Americans when they hear about the plans to legalize prostitution in South Africa during the World Cup. However, there are a number of problems:

This legalized prostitution includes children of all ages.
Many of the women and children are forced into prositution. They are kidnapped and or tricked into going with the people who will enslave them. They are beaten, raped and drugged into submission.
A large number of people in Africa (particularly in the sex industry) have HIV or AIDS. You'd think that would be enough to deter people from paying for sex there--but it doesn't.

It is estimated that as many as 40,000 prostitutes could be taken to South Africa during the World Cup (supply and demand, right?). I can't even imagine the issue they'll have when they attempt to make prostitution illegal again, after the games. I'm sure that'll go over well.

To find out how you can help Unearthed Pictures, visit their website. You can also become a fan of them on Facebook and follow them on Twitter.

Good Defense on those Clown Cones

2010-06-22T15:59:00.000-04:00

Let me be the first to say that I don't know much about sports. I find them boring, for more of my thought on the subject, please refer to this older post. This past Saturday, my friend Kristin and I were at Mad Potter (a favorite hang out place of ours). When we had finished up our lovely platters we decided to visit the Baskin Robbins next door and get some delicious treats.

There was a fair bit of business inside, seeing as it's already been unseasonably hot here in the dirrty South (OK, maybe Kentucky isn't the dirrty dirrty South like Atlanta is...so how about dirty with 1 r?). I made a beeline towards the clown cones. So there I am, trying to peer in at deliciousness and this dude is blocking my way. I walked back over to Kristin, which is where the conversation (and thus our story) begins...

Me: There's only one clown cone left!
Kristin: What kind is it?
Me: I don't know...I couldn't tell. That man is blocking the case.
Kristin: [After looking at the man] Hmmm. Why don't you take another look at him?
[I ignored this as I was now surveying the thirty-one flavors in all their glory. We ordered our respective desserts and walked outside. There was nowhere to sit so we started walking around.]

Kristin: I was looking at that guy and I thought, "I know him from somewhere...did he used to work at Kroger?" And that's when I realized--that was Coach Calipari. Wasn't it?
Me: I have no idea. I wouldn't know him. All I know is he was blocking the clown cones.
Kristin: Let's go figure out if it was him.
[So, we walk back over to Baskin Robbins and try to nonchalantly get a look at this guy. And sure enough, it was the one and only coach of the UK Wildcats]
Me: How did you know who it was? [Kristin is as interested in sports as I am.]
Kristin: I've had to watch a lot of games.
Me: Well, tell Jacob [her fiance] that he should be proud of you. All I knew about the guy is he was standing between me and dessert.

So there you have it. In a state that views basketball as religion and whomever is currently coaching their beloved Cats as the second coming of Christ, I don't even know the man when I'm trying to get between his ass and the Baskin Robbins freezer case.

Way to Ruin it for Everyone

2010-06-22T15:39:00.000-04:00

I've had it up to here with these ridiculous Asian comments that are actually nothing but porn links. To aid this visual, I should tell you that I am holding my hand as high above my head as I can--although that's not very high (I'm only 5 feet tall).

I think we all remember the origin of the comment fiasco. Luckily, my brother is some sort of honorary member of all Asian communities, so he had someone translate it for me...it seemed nice enough. And then I clicked on the link. Porn. And not just run of the mill porn (the porn next door, if you will). This was some crazy shit...fetishes and the like. For all you CSI fans out there, I'm sure Lady Heather knew about this stuff.

I thought I could keep it under control; deleting the comments as they came in. But I'm no match for this industry. So, the day has come. I am now moderating all comments before allowing them to be posted. It felt like the teachery thing to do. It blows, and I'd like to thank these weirdos for making it a necessity. Talk about one bad ~~apple~~ fortune cookie spoiling it for the whole bunch. I don't care if that statement seems politically incorrect--because so are porn link comments.

New Computer

2010-06-19T16:21:00.000-04:00

Just wanted to let everyone know that I have a new computer now (I am typing on it as we speak) and I plan on updating my blog very soon.

A Little PC Deja Vu

2010-06-18T11:38:00.000-04:00

Not too long after I wrote my last post, my computer went insane. I was watching some Law & Order SVU on Netflix, when the entire screen went black. It took a good 40 minutes for the computer to turn back on and when it did--all my crap was gone! I flipped out just a little. I took the computer to the trusty Geek Squad at Best Buy...as I was explaining the problem to the guy, he said, "So, all your stuff was gone?" I told him that it was and he said, "Ummm, all this stuff?"

For whatever reason, a whole bunch of my documents decided to appear only at Best Buy...making me look like a crazy person. It was awesome. Anyway, so they were going to run a diagnostic test on the thing and get back to me. About 2 days later they called and said that despite the test, the computer was still randomly turning off. I gave them the go-ahead to send it to the manufacturer to figure it out.

The manufacturer called me yesterday and let me know that I needed a new hard-drive which was going ot be another $200. So, I think I'm probably just going to buy a new one. The pain in the ass thing about technology is that as soon as you pay for it, it's old. I figure there's no point in paying tons to fix something that's already out of date. Plus, I can get a PC without the God-forsaken Vista. So that's what the situation is regarding a lack of posting. I sent the information on the computer I might buy to my brother for him to look at, and once he says it looks like a good one, I'll be able to get it and get back on a regular posting schedule.

The really irritating thing is that I went through all of this not too long ago. I bought this computer at the end of July 2008. I don't know what made it flip out...I hope I don't do it again.

I Heart Netflix

2010-06-09T19:36:00.000-04:00

And on the eighth day, God created Netflix...and it was good. (Somewhere in the back of the Bible)

I've had Netflix for about two years now--and I've always liked it. But it wasn't until recently that I began making use of the Instant Streaming feature on Netflix. Why it's taken me so long to do this, I'll never know.

I've never been big on watching things on my computer...it makes my eyes hurt. So, let's say it's my new glasses that have opened my eyes to a world of possibilities regarding my favorite pastime (movie and TV viewing).

There's all kinds of stuff on Netflix. I think it's really going to expand my awesomely bad movie knowledge. I was searching for something a few weeks ago, and this was the only thing that came up:

I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle. I absolutely hate that this movie is not available on Netflix. Conversely, I'm excited to know that it exists. I think that one of the things missing from my life is a film about a vintage motorcycle that runs on blood. I'll write a detailed review once I'm able to see it.

My Bridesmaid Dress

2010-06-08T16:30:00.000-04:00

My friend Kristin is getting married this fall, and I am lucky enough to be in the wedding. I'm really excited about it--I've been in 1 wedding before (well, 2 if you count my Dad's second marriage, but I don't) and it was a very small, casual ceremony (I wore a dress I picked out at Macy's). Although Kristin's wedding will be anything but traditional (it's going to be so cute!), there is the typical bridesmaid dress, etc.

Maybe I shouldn't say "typical" bridesmaid dress, as that conjures up some pretty horrific images. We all were able to pick the style of dress we wanted (awesome) and they will all be a very pretty [emerald] green! So I mean typical in the sense that we ordered them from a bridal store. Here's a picture of my dress...just try to picture it completely green (including the little sashy part).

For those of you who haven't seen me in person, let me just say that I'm a little, um, top heavy. I'm also not the thinnest person in the world (although I've been doing Nutrisystem with relative success). In order to get the dress to fit my upper half, we have to order a [much] larger size. My weight aside, I'm a fairly petite person. Tiny feet, tiny hands, etc. I'm only 5 feet tall. Actually, when I ordered the dress, they measured me several times because it didn't make sense that I would need a size that GIGANTIC! I should also mention that bridal/formal dresses run on the small side (talk about that extra boost of confidence on your big day, right?) Who the hell wants to be wearing a size eleventy-seven on the "happiest day of their life"?

Naturally, the dress designers assume that my height matches my weight. I'm used to it. There are very few articles of clothing in my possession that have not been altered in some fashion. What I'm trying to say is that I knew this dress would be too big and that it would require altering (better that than too small). And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the understatement of the year.

I tried on this dress (or tent) and my jaw hit the floor. First of all, I don't have to unzip it to get in and out (I actually think I could jump in). I could fit another small person in there with me. You see the v-neck part, where it shows just a bit of cleavage? Well, the v on my dress is definitely a capital V...as it goes well below my boobs. The halter back also scoops very low...as in, completely below my bra. And it's so gaping that you could probably see my underwear if you looked down the back of it.

I put my clothes on and went out to pay the balance. "How'd it fit?" asked the sales clerk. "Well," I replied, "let's just say it's a good thing I know an amazing seamstress because she's going to have to all but take this thing apart and put it back together again." What can I say, I like to be direct. I'd upload a picture of myself in it, but it would be too revealing (and trust me, no one wants to see that). However, if you want to laugh so hard that you almost pee a little, stop by the house and I'll model it for you.

I estimate that this dress will take a good 2-3 weeks to alter...which means I'll have to go into a "maintenance mode" on the diet, so that it still fits when I pick it up! But, I can definitely tell that once the dress is altered, it's going to be really cute! I'm still super excited about it, and being in Kristin's wedding! But from the moment I put the dress on, I knew there was no way I couldn't tell you about it.

And Now My Pants are on Fire

2010-06-01T22:57:00.000-04:00

I'm such a liar--I write a quick post explaining that I'll post again soon (but not right away)...and then what do I do? Write another post. You should probably stop believing every word I say (however, don't stop reading them).

No sooner had I typed the words about having lots of material for future posts, when it hit me: a decent number of my stories are about my students. I probably can't (shouldn't, and won't) tell you those. Sure I'll write about generalities (i.e. what the kids are into these days) but I can't tell you the hilarious story about So-And-So. Side note, I'd love to have a kid named Soandso in a class (you heard me America, make it happen).

I wish I could have a completely anonymous blog in which I'd publish all the crazy tales from my classes, but anonymity has never been my thing. I'm way to starved for attention. When I do something, I need people to know that I'm the one who did it. If they don't know it was me, then who do they know to compliment and praise for being awesome?!

But, since I'm not too keen on being fired (I've been fired before, and it's not for me) I have to hold these stories in. And by hold them in I mean type them all out in Word documents and hang on to them until I retire and publish them into a hilarious coffee table book. I think I could be a decent author--not some fancypants award, I don't think I have that level of dedication. I'm not remotely interested in developing characters and plots and all the minutia involved in writing novels. I'm more of a commentator.

I want to write the book that people buy because it cracks them up. So they put it on their coffee table and their friends come over, see it, crack up and then go out and buy their own copies. When the time is right, I believe that my stories about students (accompanied by copies of various quizzes, etc. [names removed, of course] with hilarious drawings and comments) will be just the book. Make sure you're on the lookout for it...in roughly 30 years or so.

School's [Almost] Out for Summer

2010-06-01T22:35:00.000-04:00

Just a quick note to let everyone know that I am still alive. Things at school have gotten really busy (end of the semester madness)--but the good news is that school gets out this Thursday. That's T minus 2 days people. I've had a great first semester, but it's been a bit overwhelming at times. I'm definitely ready for a break. And for me, breaks include blogging!

I have been having my same random thoughts on life and quirky experiences as per usual, so there's definitely not a lack of material. I'll try not to overload everyone with a dozen posts every day (although I make no promises).

All that being said, do not be surprised if I don't have anything posted this weekend. On a sad note, we are saying goodbye to our family dog this Saturday. Jake has been a great dog and we love him but his health is declining in his old age and we don't want him to suffer. He's actually sitting next to me as I type this (as he often does), and I can tell that he's ready. It was a really hard decision that has us all pretty upset, but we know that it's the right decision.

Obviously, I might not be in the mood to provide my typical humorous observations and commentaries for you this weekend. I don't plan on posting a really weepy lamentation either--I'm honestly doing enough of that inside my brain. I might think of some funny Jake stories for some sort of tribute post, but who knows? Whatever I decide to do, know that Jake is a pretty awesome dog and I love him a lot.

Comment

2010-05-09T17:11:00.002-04:00

I don't get any sort of notification when people comment on my blog. Maybe I should change the settings so that I do. But ever since the porn-link comment fiasco, I've tried to become more vigilant about checking for comments that need to be deleted. I just posted a new entry and I decided to go through all my comments (there aren't many, haha!) There were a couple I hadn't realized people made.

Once in a blue moon, I'll get a comment [not a porn link] from someone I don't know. I always find this interesting. I wonder how they stumbled across my little blog and what made them read it. I typically assume they were a level of bored that I have never been. A few moments, I found one of these. And the person was pissed at me!

Way back in November, I blogged about not being able to find a Spanish birthday card (specifically a Quinceanera). I was irritated because I found some cards for things that I thought happen with way less frequency than Hispanic girls turning 15. I was also amused at some of the cards I found, like the divorce announcement card. Well, someone else read the post in January and was in turn quite irritated with yours truly.

I think this is pretty funny. It's kind of cool that someone in South America read my blog (I'm using the past tense because I'm sure I pissed her off too much to ever read it again). As I'm re-reading the comment, I'm a little confused. Is she telling me that I live in America so I should learn to speak English? I was born in America and I do speak English. I'm pretty sure I blog in English, too. I just thought that since I was going to a Spanish celebration that would be conducted in Spanish that a Spanish card might be appropriate.

I don't [usually] mean to piss people off...it tends to happen by accident. Oops. On the off chance that you still read my blog, Cristina, sorry to have upset you...and thanks for reading.

Health Crisis: High School Edition

2010-05-09T16:45:00.000-04:00

Today I'd like to talk to you about a number of the serious disorders that are beginning to manifest in the youth of America. I see these types of teens every day and it breaks my heart--not enough people are speaking out against these diseases.

Confusingleggingsforpantsitis: This tragic disease is more commonly known as "Li-Lo Syndrome," named of course for Lindsay Lohan. A number of high school girls are unable to distinguish the subtle difference between pants and leggings. Maybe one day there will be a class offered that could guide these girls through the intricacies of appropriate leg attire. Another common disease that stems from this disorder is Seriouslythosepantsarecuttingoffcirculationinyourlegsosis. Survivors of Li-Lo Syndrome often transition to this disorder before fully recovering and wearing normal pants. The two disorders can be differentiated by the opaqueness of the leg covering. Leggings have a slightly transparent finish while pants are opaque. However, in both disorders the leg covering does appear to be spray painted on.

Hyper-eyelinerism: As long as we're on the subject of make-up, I should also mention that many young girls are unaware that make-up is to be put on at home and one application per day is sufficient. There's no need to pull out all your make-up and apply it in class. But back to the eye-liner. The typical high school girl uses approximately one eye-liner pencil per eye per day. I hope you're shocked. You should be. Is that a raccoon in the back row of my class? That's impressive; I didn't know raccoons had the discipline to learn a world language...oh wait, it's just a girl with excessive eye-liner. This video should clear up any questions you have about high school girls and make-up.

The final disorder is Faketaneosis. There are several causes of Faketaneosis including tanning beds, spray tan and bronzer. But no matter what the culprit, I think we all know that no child should be orange.

Please stay tuned for updates on charity events to benefit these crippling diseases.

Say Cheesey

2010-05-08T02:36:00.001-04:00

I know I've written this fact a multitude of times, but I feel it's a necessary precursor to these sorts of posts. I'm at that age where everyone I know (but me) is getting married. This provides me with ample opportunities to observe and study everything about wedding planning and all the madness therein. I'm like Jane Goodall living with the chimps...only in a more formal scenario. I will observe these weddings, gather data and publish my findings in some sort of [critically acclaimed] book (or more likely, on this blog).

What's the deal with engagement pictures? I understand what they are (another nice yet unnecessary part of the hoopla that makes weddings a billion dollar a year industry). FYI, that's not bitterness or cynicism, that's what we call stating the facts. I just don't fully understand the purpose they serve. Should guests bring the Save the Date card with the engagement pictures on the big day, just to make sure they're at the right event? Who do the bride and groom send engagement pictures to? Friends and family--also known as "people who already know what they look like."

Let me start over. My problem is not with the existence of engagement photos, or with a couple's (by which I mean a bride's) decision to have professional engagement photos taken. That's nice. My issue is with the standard shots often used in engagement photos. If you're not familiar with these classic photo opts, read on:

Pensive look of far off wonderment: This look can be captured several ways including but not limited to gazing into each others eyes or gazing off into the distance. Regardless, there must be gazing. The emotion they're going for is "Gee, what does our future hold?" But all I see is, "how awkward can I look while attempting to gaze in a serious yet nonchalant manner as though I'm unaware of the camera?"

The bling shot: You're going to want at least one photo that showcases that rock on your finger. Popular poses require you to stand facing one another, with the girl placing her hand prominently on the guy's chest or possibly cheek. This is the "suck it, bitches" picture--the one that you want your old high school acquaintances to stumble upon whilst creeping on your Facebook. You want everyone to see this picture and say, "Damn!"

I'm a delicate flower whose boyfriend picks her up: You're a dainty little bride and now that you've found your one and only, he just can't stop picking you up. Whether it's a borderline chest bump where he's picking you up and your feet are kicking back in the air as if to say, "Weeee! Love!" or the more traditional style that looks like he's carrying you over the threshold, this shot is a keeper. May I also suggest some alteration on the latter--involving some sort of dipping seems to be very popular. Remember that whatever pose you go with, this picture should always contain laughter. Apparently, picking up grown women on a regular basis is the type of thing you laugh about. Maybe because it's just so easy to do. Giggle.

Down to Earth: This is the meticulously planned shot that says, "Hey, look how laid back we are as a couple, just sitting here in an empty field in our dress clothes." If that's not natural, I don't know what is. I suggest Photoshopping in some cartoon wildlife and musical notes to make it look like you're starring in your own Disney movie.

None of this is ours: When posing for an engagement picture, it's important to remember that you should never pose by anything that you actually own, use in your daily life or have even seen before. If you don't even know what you're standing next to, or how to spell it: congratulations, you've done it. Try posing by a gate that goes to a mysterious home that you don't live in or next to an old tractor even though you don't farm. Remember, you want people saying, "Where the hell did they take this picture...and where'd they find those baby ducks?"

I'd be much more comfortable with engagement pictures if they actually seemed to represent the couple. But I suppose nobody wants pictures of how they really spend their time together. Here's a shot of us watching TV while wearing sweatpants. And here we are comparing name brand and generic cereal at the grocery store. And the thing de resistance: us eating pizza on the couch, straight out of the box. Should someone ever decide to marry me (obstacle one is still getting someone to date me) I'd feel like a little bit of a liar if those weren't my engagement pictures. And we all know that lies make Baby Jesus cry.

Coming Soon, or Probably Not Soon

2010-05-01T10:54:00.000-04:00

I'm getting tired of my blog layout. That and Amy Jo can't get this version to upload and work. And I'll be damned if I'm going to sit here and not do anything about the fact that my mother is having to do her job rather than read my hilarity while in her cubicle. I also have a decent following at her work, I'd hate it if none of them could read this! I'll probably be changing it "soon". And by soon I mean, whenever I have time. This could very well be during summer vacation as I'm mad busy right now. Although now I'm thinking that the change will come later today, after I get my haircut. I'll just do this rather than all the things I'm supposed to be doing.
Speaking of "followers" a few sentences ago...is it weird that I'm jealous of my friends' blogs who have more followers than mine? And by weird, I do mean pathetic. Whatever, it's fine.

Drive Me Crazy

2010-05-01T10:36:00.006-04:00

Am I the only one who judges the inhabitants of the cars around me? Of course I'm not. For example, when I'm driving next to a car that's all beat up and obviously been through a few wrecks, I get away from that person because they just don't care anymore. I also have a bumper sticker obsession. I'm not the type to EVER put a bumper sticker on my car--unless I had an old POS-mobile. I'm more of a static cling kind of gal; bumper stickers are so permanent and they decrease the resale value. This might sound odd coming from someone with a tattoo (and dreams of another tattoo should massive anxiety subside), but it's not like I'm planning on selling my body any time soon (or ever).

But when I see a car with bumper stickers, I have to know what they say. I love clever things. One of the worst days of my life as a child (other than the turmoil of my parents' divorce, etc.) was after an appointment at the eye doctor. My eyes had been dilated and I was rocking those awesome old lady sunglasses when we pulled up behind a bumper sticker-clad car. Although my vision was blurry, I could tell that everything but the back window of this car was COVERED in bumper stickers. However, I couldn't read them. And to top it all off, it must have been rush hour because we sat behind that car for a long time. Had my vision been unaltered, I would've had ample time to read the witty repartee of the bumper stickers. That's just as bad as being caught behind a similar car for a short period of time.

A few weeks ago, I was driving to Richmond, and I was behind a minivan delivering Papa John's. There was a bumper sticker I couldn't read so I sped up. And thank God I did, otherwise I wouldn't have known how this person felt about "titties & beer," I assume he's pro on both of those hot-button issues. I began wondering whether or not a middle aged man, delivering pizza in a mini-van with a titties & beer bumper sticker could pinpoint exactly when his life took a different turn. I'm betting yes.

Of course my current favorite bumper stickers have to be for the oh-so-intelligent "Tea Partiers" (Amy Jo's favorite insult). They're so moronically clever. Clever in that they are a tad witty, but moronic considering that the majority of those people have NO idea what they're talking about. On my way home this past Monday night, I was behind one such car. The bumper sticker that I could read from a distance was the standard Tea Party sticker. TEA has been turned into the monogram "Taxed Enough Already" and then there's a little teapot that says "We're TEA'd off." Chuckle. They also had a Jeff Gordon license plate frame...am I insinuating that Nascar fans are all Tea Partiers? No. But, you have to admit, there is a correlation.

Now, it was dark out, making it difficult to read the other bumper stickers at the top of the rear window of this car. Naturally I switched lanes and continued to follow them. Jackpot: Red Light! I got to read the stickers in all their glory. In the left corner, we had the Skull & Crossbones with the message "Obama Care" (because as we all know, we're going to have death camps now that universal healthcare has been approved). And in the right corner, Stop Obama's Socialism (spelling out SOS). I'm pretty sure this car was powered by ignorance. If you're too stupid to understand the actual definition of socialism and how it's different than capitalism and that America will never be anything other than a capitalist nation, I have serious issues with you operating heavy machinery.

I will point out that at the bottom of this ad I found for the SOS sticker, it says, "Every $25 donation gets a free bumper sticker." For a group of people so concerned about getting their money taken away by the powers that be, they sure are ready to throw away a good chunk of change on a bumper sticker. $25 bumper sticker, good choice.

Conversely, I am not a huge fan of vanity plates. Most of the time, vanity plates have to be so immensely abbreviated that I have no idea what the person is trying to say. Once, on the way to Hilton Head (blech--my hatred for Hilton Head will be explained at a later date) I was stuck behind a car with a vanity plate I couldn't understand. Traffic inched along as I spent hours behind this plate, trying to figure out what it meant--no such luck. I was stumped. If memory serves me, I think I later realized that Ohio license plates are laid out differently than Kentucky's. Rather than having the numbers and letters divided into two 3 character groups, Ohio just throws 'em all together. So the vanity plate I was attempting to decipher was merely a standard issue nonsensical license plate.

I was behind a rather interesting vanity plate the other day. I'm sitting behind this car with a veteran plate that reads: DRUNK. Really? The statement about yourself you want to put out to the world is 'drunk'? Why not HORNY or something equally as dumb? If I was a cop, and I saw a car with a DRUNK vanity plate, I'd pull them over. If you're drunk so much of the time that it's worth advertising on your car, my odds of bagging a DUI increase exponentially.

As long as you're down...would you care to be kicked?

2010-04-18T19:18:00.000-04:00

On Tuesday, I left school after a meeting. I realized that my car was looking a hot mess and that I should probably remedy the situation. I've taken to going to this one, slightly ghetto car wash that's close to work. The only problem was that you have to get out of the car and go inside the gas station to pay...something I was not interested in on that particular day. I remembered another car wash that was on my route home and decided to go there.

I got there to find that there was no line--I thought it was my lucky day. I love all aspects of the car wash. I actually love washing my own car, but I'm too much of an enviro-nut that I can rarely justify wasting the excess water to do so. But I do enjoy sitting in the car wash. It's kind of relaxing. Plus I usually clean out my purse or balance my checkbook while I'm in there, so that's cool. As I was sitting in there, I found myself thinking, "Wow, it feels like I've been in here for awhile." The brushes kept going over my car but there was very little water and/or soap. But it's not like I could get out, so I just sat there. Finally the wash was done and I drove out.

"Hmmm," I thought, "my windshield still seems a bit dirty." I just chalked it up to me being insane and continued to drive home. When I got home I discovered that my car was still filthy. Great. I just wasted $7 (that's right--I go all out. I'm a car wash high-roller--tire cleaner, hot wax, the whole deal). AND to top it all off, I now had to get my car washed AGAIN! Since I had paid [in cash] at the entrance to the car wash there was absolutely no proof that could possibly entitle me to a refund.

I drove to another car wash near my house. When you enter this car wash, it's got almost a conveyor belt type thing that moves your car for you. It also makes it impossible to back up. I pulled into the thing and attempted to pay. I say attempted because the machine would not accept my money. And naturally, it didn't have a debit/credit card thing. So I had to get out of my car--a sight that I'm sure was glorious to the person in line behind me. There was BARELY enough room for me to get out. I squeezed out & went inside to pay (for the cheap carwash--no need to be a baller on round 2). I stepped inside and as my eyes adjusted to the light I heard someone say my name.

"Who the hell knows me at this car wash?" I thought. As my eyes focused the visage of my former step~~monster~~mother came into focus. "Really, universe? REALLY?" I thought. The afternoon/early evening was already sucking sufficiently but this was the icing on the cake. We chatted in line, and she somehow knew what I was up to (odd and creepy). It was awesome...only in a completely non-awesome way.

However. I discovered she was there to fill up a gas canister for the lawn mower so that she could go mow her lawn. Maybe you have to know the whole step-family chapter of my life to find that as amusing as I did. But, I was shocked to learn that she is capable of manual labor. The mental image of her mowing a lawn that I carried with me out of that Shell station was worth the rest of the crap I'd had to put up with that day.

Oh, and then I actually washed my car.

Spring Break!

2010-03-30T15:45:00.000-04:00

I'm so glad I've chosen a career that includes thirteen billion days off. Shaping America's youth requires a lot of breaks. So here I am, enjoying my first [paid] Spring Break. I spent the first couple days dog-sitting in Richmond, which does not typically provide a lot of blog excitement--unless you count the additional time alone with my thoughts.

Yesterday, I had to drive up to Lexington to get some lab work done at the doctor (sadly, your favorite blogger requires cholesterol checks). I drove up around 10ish AM and noticed that the opposite side of the interstate was completely backed up! Eventually I saw the cause, a jack-knifed tractor-trailer. Although my lab work would only take a few minutes, I figured I'd stay in Lexington for a bit rather than sit on the interstate. So I called up a friend and we had a long, leisurely brunch.

A good 3 hours had passed, so you can imagine how shocked I was to arrive at the interstate and see that it was STILL backed up! I began rocking out to my Wicked soundtrack as I inched along I75-S at snail-like speed. My mind wandered as I looked for something interesting in my surroundings. I thought I saw something in the distance..."no," I thought, "it couldn't be!" I drove a few more feet down the road and saw that my initial suspicions were correct: there was a dildo on the side of the road.

I just stared at it, for a multitude of reasons: The main reason was that you don't typically see something like that on the side of the road. The other disturbing thing about this sight was the sheer size of it. This thing had some girth to it...and I'm terrified of the person who had been using or was going to use this item. Terrified.

Needless to say, I thought about this most of the way home. The thing I don't understand about dildos (well I guess I don't understand most things about them) is the fact that they're designed to look like the real deal. Did I miss the memo on that being an attractive appendage? I think not. I just don't see the need for the attention to detail. The one thing I do know is that there's nothing like a discarded dildo on I75 to remind you that it's Spring Break.

My Potential McFuture

2010-03-26T21:31:00.000-04:00

Not too long ago, I found myself at a gathering of friends...one girl had gotten engaged the week before. And that's fine. I wish I could say that I was shocked to hear that a second girl had gotten engaged since then. But I wasn't--for you see, this is how my life works. Now, for those of you keeping count at home, that's 2. 2 people in 2 weeks. While I'm super excited for them, you've got to be freaking kidding me!
It was at that moment that I knew I needed some ice cream.

Amy and I made our way towards the McDonald's on UK's campus. "Should we go through the drive-thru or go in?" I asked. We decided to go in...because we never go in. What an exciting change for us. Or was it?
We were having an awesome time, because that's what we are. Awesome. There was a sign on the wall that limited time spent in the restaurant to 30 minutes. I clearly remember thinking, "What an interesting sign." As we sat, eating our delicious sundaes I saw a crazy-eyed man. As he was walking towards us, that's when I remembered that I needed to "look for my chapstick in my purse thus bringing my purse into my lap." That's when he sat down.

I was immediately petrified. And if there was such a thing as "contact drunk" I would've been that, too. He smelled like a walking bourbon bottle. Amy later noted that he had a bottle in his pocket. With him sitting next to me, turned completely towards me (as opposed to towards his own table), I thought, "please don't talk please don't talk please don't talk." Well, you can't always get what you want.

Drunk McGee: I'm just trying to do something nice.
Amy: Hi.
DM: qweuoinkstklgfnjkesfkls.[to me] You're pretty.
Me: Ummm...thanks. [Inner monologue: Wow, this is super creepy...but then again, I can't think of any guy telling me I was pretty (while sober) ever. A girl could get used to that].
DM: widnagitnssjlenfl tattoos sfsnnfkfjklsgopwnbfsr Can you do me a favor?
Me: [hesitantly] OK
DM: [to Amy] She's pretty.
There is some dispute over what was actually said here, I thought he was telling Amy that she was pretty. Amy thought he was asking her to comment on me being pretty.
Amy: She is. [awww, thanks Amy]
DM: Can you do me a favor?
Me: Yea. What?
DM: wivcklglkdbiu Can you give me 50 cents?
Me: OK.
I give him the money, under the silly impression that he would then leave. He then puts the money in his pocket. As though I was being charged for his company. Amy yawns--because Amy is a genius.
DM: Are you tired?!
Amy: Yea...I think we're gonna have to head out.
We exit McDonald's
Amy: And that's why we don't go inside.

Although we have plans of returning to that McDonald's any time soon...if another person shows up engaged in the not too distant future, I might give him another chance. One of my co-workers is already familiar with Drunk McGee, as she has seen him at that same McDonald's. I began describing him and she accurately finished the description.

Seriously, Facebook? Yikes

2010-03-14T09:59:00.000-04:00

This is a super-mini post before I get in the shower to get ready for church. I'm almost always amused when I glance at the ads on the side of my Facebook page. It takes information from your profile and tries to tailor the ads to your interests...pretty smart I suppose [in theory].

Since I'm single [and ready to mingle], many of my ads are for dating services. Usually the guy in the picture is 1000x hotter than any guy who would be on any dating site, but whatever. Sometimes the ads get particularly specific as well. For awhile, I kept getting an ad for Catholic singles...I'm not Catholic. This morning, for the first time, I saw this ad.

I have several issues with this ad. One, the guy is not cute. Two, his hat is on sideways...and I think he's serious about it. And three, the text of this ad is generic, "meet cute guys in your area". How is is not, "Holla atcha Boy" or "Meet a Boo in Your Area"? And I'm not saying this because he's black...it's the sideways hat. Anyone wearing their hat like that is not to be taken seriously. And they probably talk like Lil Wayne. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy a Lil Wayne song as much as the next person--but I'm not looking to date him.

If the "cute" single guys out there look like the guys I teach...we have a problem and I suppose I'll just stay single. If only there were a "dislike" option at the bottom of this ad.

An Array of Strange Things

2010-03-07T18:15:00.002-05:00

Lately I've been noticing all these weird little things. So I've been taking pictures of said things...and I've decided to discuss them right now.
The first item up was something I observed while in my car the other night. XM radio always tells me who is singing the song, but never before have they told me how to pronounce the name. It would really come in handy these days with Iyaz, Ke$sha, Orianthi, etc...

Up next, I was so relieved to discover that I'm not the only one who's thinking of this. Has anyone noticed how hard Eminem sucks lately? Remember back in the 8 Mile days...he was talented. And now, every song sounds the same--all whiny and obnoxious. I'm shocked that Dr. Dre still associates with him...I know I wouldn't.

So I'm perusing Texts From Last Night on my phone before I went to bed (as I do almost every night) and I stumble across this. Purity Ring app? Really...that's a thing? You'd better believe I looked that up. And it is. There is a Purity Ring app you can download for your phone (after you pay the $0.99). What does it do you ask? Well I'll tell ya. It just shows a picture of a ring that says purity. Clearly, it's a wise financial decision (even in these tough economic times). While I was checking out the app itself, I decided to look at the reviews.

The first app is simply insane. I can't tell if this person is serious or not...the 5 stars makes me think that they're serious, as does the username "Sermon in Shoes". I love the next review--all it says is that the app doesn't work. Do they mean that the app itself does not function, or do they mean that the app did not help protect their virginity? I kinda hope it's the second option there. If an iPhone application can't protect your virginity, what can?

Stand Up Dreams

2010-02-27T11:06:00.000-05:00

People are always telling me that I should do stand-up comedy...and maybe I will someday. The other night, I was in that state of half-sleep where I started planning things. For whatever reason, I was planning my set list for my stand-up routine.

I decided to talk about the kiosks at the mall. I'm sure I've mentioned my distaste for these businesses before. When I go to the mall, the kiosks can literally determine what store I enter through and what stores I go to. If I'm not in the mood to fake being busy, then I guess I can't go outside of Macy's because I can't handle the kiosks. I don't care about sea salt skin scrubs (despite my love for alliteration), hair straighteners or eyebrow threading. The kiosks rarely house businesses that interest me.

On one of my snow days, I decided to go to the mall...and I decided to do it right. This meant, actually venturing out of Macy's and visiting other stores. When it came time to walk past the kiosks, I decided to pull my patented "Oh I'm talking on my phone so I can't talk to you about whatever you're trying to sell" routine. I put my phone to my ear and that's when I ran into a problem. In addition to hating kiosks, I hate talking on the phone. I rarely do it--I'm more of a texter. Someone who is a habitual phone talker has no problem faking a call...someone like me, is faced with an inability to have a fake conversation. Basically, I was walking by these kiosks just nodding and making faces while holding my phone to my ear. I was going for either listening to the other person talk or checking voicemail; but I'm pretty sure I just looked insane. I will say that no one at the kiosks talked to me...so that's a win.

The rest of my dream included my illustrious career as a stand-up comedian. I performed at an open mic night, but the audience was packed with virtually everyone I knew...so I was fairly successful. And then they asked me to come back and perform more often. And before I knew it, I was opening for other comedians that came to Comedy Off Broadway. So I was a teacher by day, and a comedian by night. And my students' parents would come to my shows and be like, "she teaches my kid Spanish!" It was odd...and then I woke up, so I'm not entirely certain where my career went after that. But I'm fairly certain I got to meet Jon Stewart and Tina Fey...another win.

I'm Not Growing in Popularity

2010-02-25T20:02:00.000-05:00

So...I had another comment post from the Anonymous Asian. This time, in English. It seemed cryptic and I couldn't tell if it was a compliment or an insult. During today's snow day, I was showing the comment to my friend Amy. She noticed something that I had yet to notice...there was a link embedded in the comment. "Why don't you click on that?" she suggested.

Oh, and click we did. Asian fetish porn. Yep. We both started screaming and I closed the window stat. I guess it all makes sense now...why else would a random person be writing on my blog in Chinese? Needless to say, I've deleted the comments. Look for your own porn, I'm not your middle man.

I'm sad that I'm not impressing a variety of nationalities...but there is a silver lining to this situation: we clicked on the link on Amy's computer, so there's no Asian fetish porn in my Internet History.

New Background

2010-02-16T12:18:00.000-05:00

Have you noticed the changes to the blog? If not...you should re-examine your observational skills. I was getting bored with my old background...so I just spent the past God only knows how long looking for a new background. The problem is, most of the backgrounds out there suck. They're all girly with hearts and quotes about friendship and love. I'm not interested in anything like that.

And the ones I found that I did like, wouldn't work for me. So let me know if you like the new look or not. I can always go back to the way it was.

Legends of the Hidden Temple

2010-02-13T10:35:00.002-05:00

I've already forgotten what brought about this conversation...mainly because it happened several weeks ago and I'm only now finding the time to blog about it--but I have decided to purchase the set of Legends of the Hidden Temple. If you don't know what that is, you can either stop reading my blog or visit the link and educate yourself. Or I will tell you about the show right now.

Legends of the Hidden Temple was an awesome kids' game show. There was questions to be answered and physical challenges to be undertaken. Basically it was the definition of amazing. The game started out with 6 teams: Blue Barracudas, Green Monkeys, Silver Snakes, Purple Parrots, Red Jaguars and Orange Iguanas. And now, thanks to this site, you can buy team shirts just like the ones on the show. If you buy 5 you get the 6th free. And it just so happens that your favorite blogger's birthday is 1 month from yesterday. Coughcoughsizelargecoughcough.

The first challenge was to cross a moat, and that knocked 2 teams out right away. Then there were the steps of knowledge, which knocked out another 2 teams. And the remaining teams got to play the temple games and run through Olmec's temple and find whatever artifact they were learning about on that episode. However, the temple guards could jump out, scare the living bejesus out of them and screw up the retrieval of said artifact. If you haven't realized this show is great, please stop reading.

Why am I buying this show? Well, I think it started with what we would do with lots of money or something. And honestly, how much could the set cost? Seven...eight dollars? I totally have that...if they'll take a check. My original plan was just to purchase the set (costumes included) and have my friends over to play. We could take turns being the host, temple guards, and contestants...possibly even the voice of Olmec. But, as it just so happens, my friend Amy plans on becoming Vice President of East Coast Television and Microwave Oven Programming. She's prepared to air the new version of Legends on NBC (along with the reality/talent show to find her a husband which includes tasks such as folding a fitted sheet). Amy and I have recently decided to add the Sepia Sloths to the team line-up...mainly so we can have 1 shirt for each day of the week. That, and Sepia Sloths is the most awesome name I've ever heard.

Now you know the plan. Tell me it's not the most awesome thing you've ever heard in your life. Go ahead, tell me. Oh, what's that? You can't tell me? You can't tell me because this IS the most awesome thing ever? That's right.

What's the Chinese word for Interesante?

2010-02-06T12:54:00.000-05:00

Something very interesante happened to me the other day. I was checking my recent posts to see if I had any comments on anything I've written. It doesn't happen a lot, because you apparently have to set up an account and it's a bit of a pain. Usually people just tell me in person or write it on Facebook or something. Which I'll admit, sucks a little bit because I like to see the comments on the blog. It's proof that people are reading it. And I loves me some proof.

Anyway, I was checking out my posts and saw that I did have one comment. I figured it was someone telling me, "Finally, you're writing again because you've been a really shitty blogger as of late," or something to that effect. But no. I saw this:

Naturally, I had no idea what it said. So I clicked on the person's name, which took me to their profile. Of course, it is also completely Chinese so it was of no help. Knowing what this said became of utmost importance to me. What if it was something mean or stupid? That is my theory on Asian character tattoos--they just tell us it says "peace" but really it says, "moron" or something. I'm ashamed to say that the following realization took me several days, but here it is: my brother knows an inordinate number of Asians. It's a bit of an ongoing joke, being as almost all the girls he has dated have been Asian. All in good fun of course, because they have all been lovely girls. I also remembered a Facebook post in which he mentioned not getting any sleep, so I sent him this message:

So apparently, you aren't sleeping. Do me a favor. Check out the comment that was on my blog post...and I clearly can't read it. Please access your many Asian resources to decipher it.

And he responded (at 4:26 AM). I wasn't sure whether or not the message was Chinese, Japanese or what. Apparently, it's Chinese, because his girlfriend (from China) decoded the comment. It says, "Life is full of ups and downs but you have to keep your head up." What a lovely anonymous Chinese note!

I still wonder how this person stumbled across my blog. I want to know about them (and any subsequent fans around the world). So, to that person I say, whatever the Chinese phrase for "Thanks and welcome to my blog," is.

Are You My Mother?

2010-01-31T21:49:00.008-05:00

Has anyone ever read the children's book by P.D. Eastman, Are You My Mother? It's about this little bird who loses his mother and he goes around asking all sorts of animals (and a steam shovel) if they're his mother. I had a similar experience with Amy Jo recently.

One morning, I'm getting ready for work and I realize that Amy Jo isn't up yet. So I go into her room (much like she did the morning of my first snow day) and say, "Um, should you be up now?" She explained that she had an eye doctor appointment and that she was listening to Bob & Sheri and that they had the Jersey Shore people on. I thought little of it, and went on to work. The next night, we were watching our usual Thursday night line-up and as Thirty Rock was ending, the DVR alerted me that Jersey Shore was about to begin recording. And that's when she said it. The most disturbing words you can ever hear your mother utter: "I think I'd like to watch Jersey Shore."

After I put my eyes back in my head, I began the following conversation:

Me: Seriously?
Amy Jo: Well, they were on Bob & Sheri and "The Situation" was kind of funny.
Me: OK. We can watch it, there are several hours worth on the DVR. But I must warn you--you will get dumber. I almost forgot to read.

I went on to explain the show to her...and somehow, she remained interested. Fast forward to the next night: I'm getting ready to meet up with my old college roommates. I leave her on the couch, watching an episode of Community (BTW, it's hilarious. If you don't watch it, you should!) and go shower, etc. I come out to model one of my ensemble options and that's when I notice that she has moved on to Jersey Shore. By the time I left for the evening, she was half-way through an episode. I expected to hear, "Oh, this is terrible! I can't watch this," but no. I was surprised, but I knew she wouldn't last much longer, and I left. Imagine my shock almost 3 hours later when I receive this text message:

That's right. My mother loves Jersey Shore. Just let that sink in for a moment. Insanity. She loves it so much that she basically told me to stop texting her because she was trying to watch it. Sadly, she was already in bed by the time I got home so I had to wait until Saturday morning to ask her about her experience.

I get up, and she's referencing the show and it's awesome. I'd needed to catch up on some episodes, but I'd been putting it off because I didn't want to do it with her around...assuming that she'd identify it as the trash that it is and get all "mom" on me. While she was working on whatever she was, I flipped on the TV and started watching.

As you'd expect, I was sucked in. Eventually, she finished whatever she was working on and joined me on the couch. And then she's saying things like, "Oh, wait until you see what Snookie does next!"

At some point during our approximate 9 hours of TV watching (we threw in an episode of House, too) I looked at her and said, "Do you realize that you have now watched most of these episodes twice in less than 24 hours?" It was simply astonishing. I should also mention that we didn't move from the couch all day. I didn't shower until 8 PM...it was glorious.

Once we'd cleared the DVR of all the episodes I had stored up, we decided to watch the reunion. At some point, she decided to take the dog out and she said, "You'd better pause it because I don't want to miss Vinny!"

And then, the next morning, she wanted me to save her a seat at church. I jokingly texted back, "No. Never." And that's when she threatened to "kick my ass, Jersey style." I almost peed a little.

It was a strange couple of days to say the least...I'm still processing it. We've been walking around the house doing Jersey Shore impressions and referencing the show right and left. Every time I hear my students mentioning the show, I think, "my mother likes that show...I bet none of their mothers watch that show with them."

We have both used a Facebook app to pick out Jersey Shore nicknames for ourselves. You can call me, "The Rack".

Work is Hard...who knew?

2010-01-25T21:59:00.000-05:00

In case anyone was wondering what it was like to start teaching mid-way through a school year, allow me to fill you in: it's crazy! I feel like I've been non-stop busy ever since my first day. There are all these other things I want to do (i.e., blogging) but I just don't have time. I suppose the beginning will be like that just because I have to set up a lot of stuff, plan lessons, etc. It won't always be so crazy! Despite the craziness, I'm still really happy to have a job and am enjoying what I do...which is a new and foreign concept to me! Here are some upcoming blog topics:

Amy Jo and I watch Jersey Shore...and she loves it.
My plan to purchase the set of Legends of the Hidden Temple
Undoubtebly, there will be a number of blogs about the goings-on at school and the hilarious situations I so often encounter

There is an alleged blizzard to come this week...perhaps I'll get some unexpected free time.

Oddly, that Doesn't Seem Crazy

2010-01-09T17:21:00.000-05:00

Over the holidays, a friend stopped by for a visit and I explained the whole crazy Facebook situation that went down back in September. She thought the name sounded familiar but couldn't place the girl--that's when we decided to see if my friend was friends with her on Facebook...and she was! Naturally, we snooped about for a bit. And then it occurred to me: Had she made any status updates about me?
It took awhile to find, because she had a lot of updates...but we finally found it. To be honest, I expected something crazier:

My favorite part is where her friend mentions how ~~ridiculous~~ I'm sorry, "ridic" it is when people flip out over things that happen on Facebook. I couldn't agree more; for example, someone flipping out when they're defriended. There was also an update after this one about "being so sick of someone" and how she couldn't wait to be "far away from you". My friend thought that status was about me, too. I guess it could be...although, to my knowledge we were never in any close proximity to each other.

Oh well. The point is, she's still on Facebook and appears to have gotten over the injustice of a defriending from me. I guess you reach a point where you just have to pick up the pieces and move on (after you tell someone you hope they die soon, of course).

Bring it On, 2010!

2010-01-03T16:49:00.000-05:00

Sadly, this post is not in any way affiliated with the Bring It On cheerleading movie franchise. I'm pretty pumped about 2010. I was hoping to get at least one more post up before 2009 ended, but I got super busy...what with the holidays and getting a real, grown-up, big girl job! Everything has been happening so fast, it's practically surreal...I can't believe I start tomorrow! I'm certain that it will provide many more blog topics for you to enjoy.

I think 2010 is going to be great--things are finally going to start going my way. But I don't want you to worry; there are still a number of things I hate and am upset about so this blog isn't going to get boring. The Back in Black of 2010 will explore a number of new issues: the real world, grown-up jobs, and eventually moving out of your mother's house!

The People Behind the Tans

2009-12-22T15:11:00.002-05:00

Maybe I judged the Jersey Shore kids too quickly...I'm sure they're not all bad. Let's take a closer look at some of the cast members, there must be souls under those tans.

When it comes to work, the Jersey Shore gang wants what everyone wants: a job where you don't really do anything while wearing your favorite Ed Hardy clothes and accessories. And the housemates have found that at the t-shirt shop. Angelina (aka Jolie) feels that working in the t-shirt shop is beneath her. You see, Angelina is a bartender. In her words, "she does great things." Yep. She said that. She can't slum it and sell t-shirts because she's a bartender. It's kind of like being a doctor, she makes her livelihood with her hands. What is she supposed to do if she gets carpal tunnel from folding t-shirts? She can't mix drinks then! So I don't blame her. Luckily, if she does leave the rigorous rat race that is bartending, she has the fall back career of professional cock block.

Oh Vinny...what are you doing on Jersey Shore? Vinny appears to be the only legitimate Italian American on the show. For this and other reasons, he is the most useless person on the show. What are the other reasons? Well, Vinny went to college and sometimes he makes sense when he talks. As of now, Vinny hasn't even tried to sleep with anyone else in the house! I'm pretty sure that one of the stipulations of being on an MTV show is you have to at least try to hook up with those around you (unless you're the virgin).

Here's the situation with Mike (aka The Situation)...first of all, he looks like he's 15 years older than everyone else on the show. I'm not 100% certain whether The Situation is what he calls himself or just his abs. I think nicknaming himself (or his abs) the situation is just an attempt to mask his Tourette's Syndrome. His tics are removing his shirt and saying the word "situation" over and over again. In the words of Amy, "we've only seen him for like 3 seconds. Which didn't prevent him from saying "the situation" twice." After the first 4 episodes I think Mike might need to change his nickname to Blue Balls because despite his best efforts, he has yet to get laid. It's a crime against humanity, I mean the guy tans religiously and gets his hair cut by a man wearing a Bluetooth. What's not to love?

Where to begin with Snooki? That girl is the definition of hot mess. First of all, she enjoys being called Snooki. Second, she owns a hat that says, "Porn Star in Training". If only I hadn't already bought all my Christmas presents! At one point, she was literally tumbling in the club and flashing her junk. Did this embarrass the other guidos and guidettes? No. In fact, JWoww said that she was really proud of Snooki. Remind me to never attempt to impress anyone at the Jersey Shore.

I think that ought to do it for my Jersey Shore thoughts of the day...because it's 3 pm and I've done nothing but think about the trainwreck that is that show since I got up. I will leave you with this humorous article, make sure to watch the following videos "Alyssa Milano's Evolution: Jersey Shore" and the SNL clip with Snooki on Weekend Update.

I will say this, at least they can poke fun at themselves.

The REAL Situation (Feat. MTV Jersey Shore's The Situation, Snooki, and Pauly D) - watch more funny videos

The Jersey Shore Situation

2009-12-22T13:19:00.001-05:00

Years ago, I bought my brother a funny shirt from Urban Outfitters that said, "New Jersey only the strong survive". We, as Americans, have lovingly poked fun at New Jersey for years. I say lovingly because we've always known that just like most stereotypes, the majority of New Jersey residents were actually nothing like that. Enter: Jersey Shore. If we can't count on MTV to perpetuate stereotypes and promote the downward spiral of humanity, who can we count on? I'd like to thank the fine people at MTV for creating the wildly ridiculous Jersey Shore reality show and thus, making this post possible.

Naturally, I'd heard of the show and seen a number of humorous texts from last night on the subject, but I never dreamed I would watch it. Leave it to the always hilarious Daniel O'Brien of cracked.com to change my mind. My friend sent me the link to his article, Jersey Shore: Worst Thing to Happen to East Coast Since 9/11. How could I not want to read that? He rips the show to shreds so well that my friend Amy (not to be confused with my oh-so-famous mother, Amy Jo) and I decided that we might have to watch the show since it was so easy to rip on. We hadn't actually followed through on our plan, but when I started housesitting the other night I was bored and there was nothing else on TV. That's when it all began.

What kind of characters are on Jersey Shore, you ask? First, imagine white trash middle schoolers. Next imagine that they have their own house, a jacuzzi, unlimited alcohol and they sleep in tanning beds to maintain an eerie yet pleasant orange glow. When they aren't calling themselves guidos and guidettes--because, let's face it, we've all wondered why there isn't a female version of a guido--they insist on going by their self-imposed nicknames. A nickname is not something you can give yourself...unless you're on Jersey Shore. Example nicknames include: Snooki, JWoww, Jolie and The Situation.

What does one wear on the Jersey Shore? Honestly, the real question is what don't you wear on the Jersey Shore? If you're a guy, you should be more opposed to the concept of a shirt than Matthew McConaughey. It's not their fault though--you can't show off your overly pumped muscles, leathery tan and classy tattoos with a shirt on. But don't worry, you can ~~still~~ must wear your gold chains. If you absolutely have to wear a shirt, it for damn sure needs to be a tank top or a muscle tee. Why do they even make other shirts? Next, disregard the recommended amount of hair gel written on the container; they don't know what they're talking about. Pop on some lip gloss, and you're good to go.

Girls have a few more clothing options...let's start at the top and work our way down.

Hair First, obtain any of the following: blonde streaks (they look great with black hair), clip-in extensions, a bump-it (how else will you create that amazing poof?), and some sort of potato chip bag clip to hold it all back.
Make-up This is crucial. We can skip foundation because, thanks to tanning, your skin is a lovely shade of orange. Perfect, more time to spend on your eyes! Apply more eyeliner than a high school girl (I didn't think it was possible either, but apparently it is). Where fingernails are concerned, it's either acrylic or just chop your hands off.
Jewelry Anything with a cross on it. Your shining example of Christ's love might not be enough, so make sure people know what religion you're representing. If you don't feel like wearing a cross, may I suggest a rhinestone outline of New Jersey? And don't forget your gigantic hoop earrings!
Shirt Damn society, and it's requirement for women to wear shirts. Luckily, the Jersey Shore "ladies" have found a way to wear a shirt but still show off their breasts. There's 2 options, either wear a shirt that's split down the middle (to show off your gigantic fake breasts) or get a t-shirt and shred it.
Pants We're going for an understated element here. Whether you're rocking shorts or a skirt, make sure it barely covers your ass checks...and while you're at it, stock up on some Vagisil because I have a feeling there are some yeast infections in your future. Some people might tell you that underwear is a requirement, on the Jersey Shore we call those people prudes. Interestingly enough, not all pants have to be spray-painted on. You can wear sweat pants as long as you roll the top of them over a few times and pair them with a bikini top, shredded t-shirt, etc.
Shoes All I can say is, not enough people buy their shoes at Hustler. You just can't get that height of heels at a regular shoe store.

Stay tuned for more Jersey Shore posts...it's too easy, they almost write themselves.

She Could be a Farmer in Those Clothes

2009-12-17T21:43:00.000-05:00

One word: Farmville. I have nothing against people who participate in Farmville on Facebook...but I do not, for 3 seconds, understand the point of it. I also have no desire to don some CGI overalls and start plowing the virtual back 40 on my fake farm. Here's my question to all the faux farmers: How many times do I have to ignore your Farmy requests before you stop asking me?

I hate when I sign into Facebook and I have "fake" notifications. Here I am, thinking that somebody wrote on my Wall or commenting on a picture...and it's a damn thing about "new flair," Farmville, Sorority Life and Mafia Wars. I dream of a day in which I don't receive these notifications.

Am I giving off some sort of virtual farming vibe? Is there something about my personality that says, "Hey, invite that lady to have a pointless, fake farm"? If that is the case, please tell me because I clearly need to stop doing whatever is causing it. I'm not hating on people who participate in Farmville--if you want to do that, so be it. I'm sure that if I investigated Farmville, it would become my newest obsession. I don't have the time to take on a new obsession...so stop with the requests!

I'm on Facebook for social networking and friendly stalking--and nothing more.

Nature's Reputation Ruiner: The Cold Sore

2009-12-14T15:40:00.001-05:00

I can't decide which aspect of having a cold sore/fever blister is worse: the actual blister itself, or the fact that it is technically a form of the herpes virus. I remember teasing one of my college roommates every time she got a cold sore...she finally gave in and just referred to it as her herpe. I assume the singular version of herpes is herpe.

I don't think it's fair that people can get the herpes virus without the traditional fun associated with the infection. I also don't think it's fair for people to have to go to the gynecologist (or hoo-ha doctor, as I prefer to call her) if they aren't having sex. If that area is not getting visitors for fun, why should it be subject to anything else? I guess it's the purist in me. If I was going to go to steal something, I'd steal something worth stealing. If I was going to get herpes, I feel that sex should be involved. But alas, this is not the case.

I feel like whenever I have a cold sore, people are looking at me wondering if it's a cold sore or "the real deal". This may seem crazy to you, but I'll be honest: it's what I wonder whenever I see anyone (other than Amy Jo) with a cold sore. I mean, even if someone says they have a cold sore, there's a little part of me that's like, "whatever, whore." That "cold sore" has ruined your reputation. So let's be clear: I have a cold sore. I rarely get them...I haven't had one since Halloween 2007. I was hoping I'd never have one again. Dammit. But, I suppose if I want people to leave me alone I can lie and tell them it isn't a cold sore.

A Cautionary Tale about the Importance of Addresses

2009-12-13T18:22:00.002-05:00

Last night I had 3 parties to attend. Three...I had no idea I was so popular. Well, I had some idea. First was my friend's Ugly Christmas Sweater Party! We had to leave that party to go to the Quarter Century Birthday (aka 25th birthday) of my college roommate (and fake sorority co-founder). They were planning on going out to the clubs like all the hip, kids do later that evening. I have no money, so I was just meeting up with them for cake and ice cream at her boyfriend's house.

I've been to this house many times. However, I do not know the house number. I'm more of a landmark person; I remember the strangest things. I know I'm on the right road to my dad's house in Indiana because of the specific pro-life billboards I see (I counted them once). While studying abroad, my friends and I spent a weekend in Barcelona and I managed to get us around town. This might not sound impressive, but I had only been in Barcelona once before...2 and a half years earlier.

This is one of my many unmarketable skills. As you can imagine, this can also be a burden. Sometimes, landmarks change. I could never explain to people where the post office was because they never know what I'm talking about when I say, "It's by the pink house." Once I saw an episode of That 70s Show where Jackie writes out directions and they all sound like, "Take a left at the place I spit my gum out that time, drive until you see the store where I bought that green sweater," that's how I roll. I think it's hilarious, so here's a clip...it's at about minute 5 or so, but it's all good.

I never needed to know his specific house number because the lot next to his house has been empty for 8 million years (give or take). I just drive up to the house next to the empty lot. Can you see where this story is going? We get to the house, and I even say to my friend, "It's so easy to remember which house is his because it's by an empty lot." Hello foreshadowing.

We walk up to the door, and I figured that it would be unlocked since people were coming over. I try the knob...no such luck. I peek in the window and see a kid sitting on the couch. Although I thought to myself, "Whose kid is that?" I also knew that I had no idea who would be at the party, maybe somebody had a kid. So I ring the bell. A woman comes to the door, I ask if my friend is there, she looks at me like I'm on meth and says I have the wrong house. "Well that's weird," I thought, "he didn't move did he?" As we were walking back to the car, I noticed the house next door...with a familiar statue on the front porch. And that's when it hit me: I am at the wrong house. We quickly went to the right house and everything was fine (other than me feeling like an idiot). Apparently one of my other old roommates had made the same mistake the previous weekend.

The really weird thing about the lady who lives at the wrong house was the expression she had on her face when she came to the door. It was the look of terror. I felt like in her eyes, I looked like one of the bad guys from The Strangers. I never saw that movie because the previews alone set off my paranoia and I'd have to change the channel. I saw the DVD in Target the other day and freaked out just a little. If you don't remember that one, it's the one where the lady looks outside and there's 3 people standing in her yard with bags over their heads and I guess torture ensues. Part of the reason it scares me so much is that I remember overhearing my dad talking with someone once about a similarly grotesque crime that happened in the central Kentucky region in the 70s or something. The people were tortured, murdered, dismembered, all kinds of super sick stuff. And I just noticed on the imdb page that the movie is based on a true story...this merits investigation. *Just investigated: it's NOT a true story, but there is some "inspiration" from true crimes.

But anyway, this lady's looking at me like I've come to kill her. I'm smiling, holding a birthday card and I'm with a friend. Both of us are in the 5 ft. height range. What did she think we would accomplish? But if I'd been in her shoes, I would've done the same thing (only worse because I'm super paranoid). The lesson to take away from this story is to learn people's addresses.

A Very Special Senior Day

2009-12-10T17:46:00.002-05:00

Until I can find a full-time teaching gig, I'm subbing and working at Kroger. My second day back was last Wednesday...Senior Day. Senior Day is the first Wednesday of every month, and it's when senior citizens get 10% off their whole order. Sometimes, Senior Day can really suck (especially when the nursing home vans start pulling up). Senior Day is also a delight when you're afraid of old people (like I am). Here's a tale from a very special Senior Day.

I'd subbed the whole day, then went straight to Kroger. I had all sorts of things to arrange, clean, etc. What was directly in front of my first table? The table with complimentary coffee and cookies for the seniors--awesome, not in my way at all. There I am working, not being bothered by seniors, just going about my business. I'm also trying to drown out the ever-present ringing of the Salvation Army bell (and we already know my feelings about those). You know those people who do good deeds in order to get the recognition and kudos? They suck...and one is about to bust up in this story.

This guy comes in, stands right in front of the coffee/cookie table and loudly asks, "Where are the cups for this coffee? Because I want to take her a cup of coffee." First of all, the cups were right in front of him. I swear, I thought I saw him reach for one before he asked me. I suppose he wanted me to be super impressed at his generosity. But I was not about to cock my head to one side, smile and saw, "Awwww," like I'd just seen a puppy. When I encounter people like this, I make it a point not to acknowledge what they're doing (and encourage you to do the same), because it drives them crazy.

I also do this to "compliment fishermen" (people who try to show off in order to get a compliment). Compliment fishermen do things like sing when no one else is singing because they want you to say, "Oh wow, you have a nice voice." Don't do it. If you compliment these bastards, the terrorists win. Anyway, I alerted ol' boy to the cups sitting in front of him and he went about his "good" deed.

Whatever, that guy is weird and that's fine. It wasn't until yesterday (a full week after the incident) that I started getting pissed off about the situation. I'm not trying to insinuate that the Salvation Army lady has it easy--by no means. However...let me compare our situations:

She is sitting in a chair. I am not allowed to sit down while working.
She is wearing a hat, coat and mittens. Am I allowed to bundle up? No, despite the fact that I work right next to the door.
She is ringing a bell. I am doing a variety of other tasks in addition to answering the questions of the elderly.
It's not like she's not allowed to come in the store; she comes in, buys a snack, takes a break, etc.

I guess my point is that, most people work hard. Does one person deserve more admiration and appreciation simply because they work for a charitable organization? No. Why not? Because I said so.

I'm a Dot Com Now!

2009-12-09T18:01:00.001-05:00

I broke down and did it, I purchased a domain name. If you type in my original blogspot address you will be redirect to the new address, but you might as well make note of the change and change it in your bookmarks (since I know that everyone has this site bookmarked!). I'm pretty pumped. From this point on, Back in Black will be found on:

www.bloginblack.com

As you can see, it might take a few days for all the kinks to be worked out...but everything should be running smoothly soon!

Slowly but Surely

2009-12-05T12:40:00.000-05:00

Well, more blogs didn't occur quite as quickly as I had hoped. I got a call from the person in charge of my Masters program, letting me know that my portfolio was missing some items. I would like to state that these missing items were not listed on the rubric, and I think that may have played a factor in my not including them in the portfolio. I had to drive to school, pick my portfolio up, get the missing items together and work them into the portfolio...but I think I'm finally ready to turn it back in!

I also started subbing, and oddly enough the first classes I subbed for were the ones I was a student teacher for. That made the whole process easier. It still remains to be seen how easily doing both the substitute teaching and working at Kroger will be...

And speaking of teaching--the quest to make my blog more anonymous and my Facebook more "grown up" rages on. As you well know, I'm a huge fan of freedom of speech so it's been killing me to clean up my Facebook for "The Man". But, I also understand that it doesn't look professional...what can you do? If only having your profile set to "private" was actually private enough!

I thought I had everything on the blog taken care of; I removed my picture and my name. And then it occurred to me: The Crazy Bitch Saga (which I'm sure you all remember as it is the craziest thing that has ever happened to anyone in the history of the world). For those posts, I included screen shots of the actual Facebook messages. I blocked out other people's names, but I left mine...needless to say, I went back and fixed ALL those.

This leads me to the final possible change. I've previously mentioned doing a password protection or changing the web address...the password option would be super lame and as a general rule, I don't like it when things are lame. Then I toyed with changing the address. After 37 million (or maybe less) attempts at names, I found one that was available. I changed the address but quickly changed it back when I discovered you would not be redirected from the old address to the new. I suppose I could tell people about the name change and rely solely on word of mouth, but I can't keep track of who I've told about this blog. I thought I was a shameless self-promoter, but you should hear Amy Jo--she tells everyone about my blog! If I had money, I might pay her some sort of promoter's fee (but I have no money, so she gets nothing...other than my love, the ~~cheapest~~ best gift of all). I could lose a large amount of readers with an address change.

This morning, I discovered that I can buy a domain name for $10 a year and you would be redirected from the old address to the new one. This could be the route I take. Right now, the renewal fee is $10 but it is subject to change. I can't imagine it would go from $10 to $100 or something! I'm gonig to talk this over with some of my more internet-savvy friends and get their opinions before I make the switch. I do admit that I like the idea of being responsible for something with a ".com" in the name (not to be confused with the always hilarious Grizz and Dot Com from Thirty Rock). I would feel more legit and less like another weirdo with a blog. If any of you have an opinions or tips on purchasing a domain name, let me know!

Right now I've got to get ready and do a few things today (it's 12:36 P.M. and I have yet to shower and have only eaten 3 Christmas Oreos) but the plan is to write some posts tonight. As usual, I've been writing them in my head throughout the week. The other night I didn't sleep at all because I was mentally blogging. Trust me, it's not as awesome as it sounds.

What's New [Pussycat]...whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

2009-11-25T22:35:00.000-05:00

I am going to attempt to write a brief post despite the fact that my mind is currently one track...and the name of that track is gravy. Thanksgiving is almost here!!

There have been a number of new developments since I last posted. First of all, I've finished up my Masters degree program. I'm waiting to get grades back on my portfolios and scores from the Praxis PLT exam--but other than that, I'm done. No more classes. I've signed up to be a substitute and I plan on looking for a job for the upcoming school year. I am also returning to Kroger this upcoming week...basically, I want to have more degrees than anyone there. Slash, I just want moneys. I am excited to be seeing [some] of my fellow Kroger employees again.

The other big-ish development is that I have attempted to make my blog a little more anonymous as previously mentioned. I've removed all traces of my full name (or I'm pretty sure I got them all) but I have left the blog address alone for now. Worst case scenario, I could be told to change the address or add a password, but I want to avoid doing that if possible. We'll just have to play that by ear...or by eyes, since you're reading this.

So, those are the major developments here. I hope that my time will once again be freed up for some of the things I love such as Zumba and blogging. I'm not sure how many posts I'll get in during the holidays, but you can look forward to more regular posts soon. But that's all on this post. I'm going to spend some time with my broseph while he's home from college. Happy Thanksgiving!!

Upcoming Changes

2009-11-17T17:44:00.000-05:00

As you know, I am planning on being a teacher...because of that, I need to make my blog more anonymous. Not that I write anything particularly awful on here, but it's just not professional looking. I'm toying around with a few ideas.
The safest option would be to put a protective password on the blog so that only people with the password could read it. This does create an extra step for you. The other option is to change the web address...which I'm not 100% sure I can do. Whatever the change is, I will let you know. But it will be happening soon.

Missteps in Logic

2009-11-13T16:55:00.005-05:00

I'm not sure why, but when people find out that I was a Spanish major, they are under the assumption that I want to hear them complain about all the "Mexicans". Can you see the missteps in logic? Let's look at the entire situation here...

I majored in Spanish
I speak the language fluently
I plan on being a Spanish teacher

In my mind, these things might serve as an indication that not only do I know a thing or two about immigration but that I'm probably more sympathetic to Spanish-speaking people. Also, I'm probably well aware that not everyone who speaks Spanish is Mexican. Here's a sample conversation I might have:

ME: I love the Spanish language.
IDIOT: I think all them Mexicans need to learn English.
ME: Umm...OK then. I don't know what to say to that, so I'm just going to leave.

It's never not frustrating to find yourself in that situation. That would be like telling a social worker that you think all people need to handle their own problems and no one deserves help. Or telling a finance major that we should eliminate all forms of currency and go back to the barter system. If someone tells you they're a journalism major, will your first order of business be telling them that newspapers are a dying industry? Probably not.

It is entirely possible that these people are in cahoots with the people who misuse the term fiance and they have joined forces to make my head explode. Actually, that's not likely at all--I just wanted to say cahoots.

It's like an infomercial, that you read!

2009-11-04T16:02:00.004-05:00

The holiday season is upon us. Amy Jo and I have seen a recent influx of catalogs arriving at Black Manor. Every time there are catalogs in the mail, Amy Jo says something to the effect of, "You can tell it's getting close to Christmas because of all these catalogs." Here's the thing about catalogs, some of them make perfect sense. I have a Victoria's Secret credit card, I shop there and order things online, therefore I receive their catalog (about once every 15 minutes). Side note, no one sends more catalogs than Victoria's Secret. Some catalogs you get just because God rewards you for being good--I'm talking about Pottery Barn here. Does anyone else's heart skip a beat when they see the Pottery Barn catalog in the mailbox? What can I say? I love catalogs. When I'm flying somewhere, any minor anxiety regarding the flight is diminished by my excitement to read SkyMall.

And then there are the mystery catalogs; the catalogs you have no idea why you receive. You've never ordered anything from this catalog, you didn't even know this was a store. You've never even ordered anything like this merchandise in your life. I'm going to focus on those catalogs, because they're the most fun. The 3 mystery catalogs we've received are (in order of least awesome to most awesome): Improvements, Potpourri, and The Pyramid Collection.

Improvements is at the bottom of the list not because it's bad, but because it is the most normal of the three. It's got a lot of holiday decoration stuff...and a personal soft serve ice cream maker I'm looking at right now. God help me if I had one of those! You can probably find a lot of Improvements merchandise at Bed, Bath & Beyond. I'm sure most of us have something in our homes that is sold from this catalog (we probably bought it somewhere else though). Much like Sharper Image, the items in Improvements are not weird, many of them are simply unnecessary.

Potpourri is quasi-normal. There's a lot of dresses and sweaters that are miraculously unflattering to every body type, moderately inspirational plaques and picture frames about friends being connected at the heart and whatnot. Potpourri is the stuff you see at someone's house and think, "What possessed them to buy that?" Next time you're out and about and see a woman in a silk-screened t-shirt that says, "This is what a real cool Grandma looks like" in little kid writing, or think, "Man, I'm glad that's not my mom wearing the shirt with lighthouses all over it," you can assure yourself that was purchased from Potpourri.

And now we've come to the inspiration for this post. The Pyramid Collection. I have saved not one, but 2 of these catalogs and I could honestly talk about every item on every page. According to the cover, this catalog features "Myth, Magick, Fantasy & Romance." I'll never buy a cape from another catalog again. Pyramid Collection reaches all previously mentioned audiences of Improvements and Potpourri, in addition to an entire new demographic! You've got your inspirational stuff and your keychains with sayings like, "don't drive faster than your guardian angel can fly"...but you've also got all sorts of crazy (and sometimes kinky) costumes and jewelry. But wait, there's more! Pyramid Collection also contains a variety of "discrete personal massagers," the Super Kegel Exerciser, Advanced Sexual Techniques DVD, vibrating panties, and Totally Nude Aerobics & Tai Chi exercise videos!

I love how the people at Pyramid Collection leave no stone unturned from a marketing standpoint. Has anyone ever really thought to themselves, "Why can't I buy a vibrator, medieval dragon deskset, and inspirational angel plaque all from the same place?" If anyone has said that, I kind of want to meet them. I don't think we'd be best friends or anything, but I bet they'd be fun to drink with and/or send hilarious text messages.

Hallmark

2009-11-04T15:32:00.006-05:00

A few weeks ago, I was in Hallmark searching for a quinceanera card (or at minimum, a birthday card in Spanish). I found 1 birthday card in Spanish--only one! This wouldn't have pissed me off as much had I not found some of the other cards they had. Did you know that when your pastor retires, you can't just give him a retirement card? They have a special pastor retirement card. There were a number of cards in braille, and a number of cards for Bar & Bat Mitzvahs. I have no beef with cards for the blind or God's Chosen People, but I'm almost certain that the Hispanic population of Lexington is much larger than the blind or Jewish population.

So anyway, I'm getting pissed off in Hallmark when I spot a "Divorce Announcement" card. And it wasn't remotely ironic (don't worry, I took a picture). It was a completely serious card letting someone know that you got divorced.

"Sometimes there is only one way to make a new beginning...Just wanted to let you know about my divorce."

I have heard (by which I most absolutely mean "received email forwards") of people sending out cards much like the wedding invitation when they get divorced. I think it's a silly thing to waste your [recently decreased] income on, but whatever rips your velcro. I was puzzled by this particular divorce announcement card, for several reasons.
There are the obvious reasons of:

Who would you need to inform of your divorce in such a formal manner? Is somebody too good to receive a phone call or text? Some super conservative great-great-grandmother? I've got news for you, she's going to be so shocked over the actual divorce that the manner in which you break the news will be of little consequence.
Why would you spend $2-3 on a divorce announcement card?
How would I react if I received a divorce announcement card in the mail?

My questions included:

Why is this card only sold by itself? If you're going to send out divorce announcement cards, wouldn't it be better to buy a pack of 20? Why should divorce announcement cards be different from thank you cards or Christmas cards? It's not like there are so many divorce cards to choose from.
Is this really the type of card that needs to be in the full, standard card size? What more is there to say? It would be much more cost effective to print divorce announcement cards on the half-card size (again, like thank you cards).

So, if I ever start my own card-making company I plan on selling a variety of half-size divorce announcement cards in box sets. Divorce announcement cards will be made available in both the serious and humorous genres. Come to me for all your divorce announcement needs.

A Series of Unrelated Thoughts

2009-11-04T15:00:00.002-05:00

Amy Jo was a pretty big fan of the swine flu post I did where I just listed my thoughts throughout the day, as was I. Her birthday was yesterday, and blogging is infinitely cheaper than a present (although I knitted her a scarf).

Every time I hear Party in the USA I can't help but sing along. As soon as the song ends, I'm filled with the shame of an adult who enjoys and knows all the words to a Miley Cyrus song. Whether you'll admit it or not, I know I'm not alone in this.
How much do I want to buy the Playboy with Marge Simpson on the cover? So much! I should do that before the new one comes out. I can't help but think that the whole thing is awesome. I am counting on it being tastefully done...it's not Hustler.
Do you think that Venezuela is like the Clampet family of OPEC? I mean, seriously, all the other countries are over in the Middle East or Africa so they totally have stuff in common. But then here comes Venezuela out of left field! If I was in OPEC, I think I'd devote a significant portion of time to rewriting the Beverly Hillbillies theme song so that it could be applied to Venezuela. Actually, I think I might do that despite not being a member of OPEC.
If I ever stop enjoying Matt Nathanson's music, punch me in the face until I come to my senses. That's an order.
So, Creed has a new song. I'm confident that I was not the only person who didn't know Creed was a thing anymore.
Speaking of songs, have you heard John Mayer's new song? It's called Who Says, and it's kinda on the douchey side. Granted, a certain level of doucheyness is implied regarding John Mayer (I do enjoy a number of his songs, though)...but this one is just, extra douchey. I get that it's about freedom and doing what you want (with an emphasis on the desire to smoke weed); I appreciate that declaration of freedom. But, "I don't remember you looking any better, but then again I don't remember you," just strikes me as a dick thing to say.

Colon: It's Not Just Grammar

2009-11-04T14:45:00.003-05:00

Before I get to the promised plethora of posting (ahh, alliteration!), allow me to explain the situation. I've had stomach problems for years now--a LOT of things make me sick. But it's gotten really bad recently; and I do mean REALLY bad. I switched to gluten-free food, thinking it might be Coeliac, and that has helped quite a bit. I went to the doctor to ask for a blood test to confirm whether or not that was the issue...and then he uped the anty. "Let's go ahead and do a colonoscopy, too," he said. I love the casual manner in which these things are suggested, like, "Hey, on the way home, let's run by Kroger and get some ice cream." I haven't been doing this long, but so far it is very different than running by Kroger and getting ice cream.

Apparently, the procedure is not the taxing part of a colonoscopy--it's the preparation. Everyone told me I should just set up shop in the bathroom. Far be it from me to go against seasoned pros; the next few blogs are coming from my newest command post: the bathroom.

It's an exciting time for us all.

A Funny Thing Happened on My Way to the Ocho

2009-11-03T07:50:00.003-05:00

Last Thursday, I was on my way to the Ocho so that we could head on over to Thriller dance practice and I decided to run through McDonald's. Sitting in the drive-thru lane I had a couple of amusing experiences...here we go.
I ordered my cheeseburger Mighty Kids' Meal (because I am a mighty kid), and I was waiting to hand over my money at the first window when I noticed some people attempting to park a giant truck. First of all, the wife had to get out of the truck to guide the husband. I can't hate on that, because I'm a terrible parker. The truck had one of those designs on the back windshield, the Superman symbol. That's fine. The Superman symbol was also on the back gate of the truck, on a little metal Jesus-fish style thing. So, this guy likes Superman.
Here's the best part: they finally park the truck, and get the little boy out of the backseat. He has a little backpack...guess what symbol is on the backpack? Yep, Superman. Why should I have expected anything less? The kicker is, the boy's name was embroidered on the backpack. Clark. That's right, I said Clark...as in Clark Kent, Superman's alter ego. Amazing!
So the Supermans went inside and I was silly enough to assume that my excitement was over. When I went to hand my money over, the worker said, "double cheeseburger Mighty Kids' Meal?" I said yes, although I had ordered a normal cheeseburger. I was certain it was a mistake, why would a double cheeseburger be an option for a kid's meal? I'll tell you why, because this is America. You'd better believe that when I got my food it was a double cheeseburger (which I couldn't eat all of because that's a lot of cheeseburger).
I'll tell you one thing, that is a MIGHTY kid...a mighty obese kid. On the plus side, the meal came with an awesome My Little Pony, so I can't complain too much.

Coming Soon!

2009-11-03T07:46:00.003-05:00

Get excited readers, I've got several blogs ready to go but I haven't had a chance to type them out yet...until now (well, tomorrow)! Due to an upcoming medical procedure, I will soon find myself with a limited number of activities in which I can participate. And don't fret, there is more to come on said procedure! I'm sure you're all ready for more hilarity!

The Dentist

2009-10-14T15:58:00.006-04:00

I went to the dentist today. I have a lot of opinions and theories regarding dentist visits. Don't worry, I'm not an anti-dentite. My number one theory is as follows:

If you floss the night before and/or the morning of your appointment, if totally makes up for the fact that you've probably only flossed a grand total of 3 times since your last appointment.

At the moment, I don't have dental insurance. I haven't had it for about 2 years or so. I think I've developed the rest of my theories as a result of being uninsured. Allow me to elaborate on some dental visits and the subsequent theories.

The first time I went to the dentist without insurance the appointment only cost $59. I didn't think that was too terribly expensive. The second time I went, it was $95. What was the difference? The dentist was actually there for the second appointment. That was about the time I decided that I should always go to the dentist when he's not there. I schedule the appointments and they say, "Oh, well he won't be in that day, is that OK?" I have to hold myself back so I don't say, "Hells yea that's OK!"

On to the third appointment. I scheduled it on the dentist's day off, planning to spend another $59. I got there and on the way to the chair they informed me that my x-rays needed to be updated. OK. I was unaware of the cost associated with dental x-rays. Now I know, if you don't have insurance, teeth x-rays will run you close to $200. That was a fun surprise! What theory did I develop that day? X-rays are: a) a luxury item, b) something I won't get again until I have insurance, or c) all of the above. The answer is c.

That brings us to today's visit. I thought I had it this time. Was the dentist there? Nope (check). Did I have my prepared response for the x-ray update scenario? Yep (check). I decided to tell them that I wouldn't be getting x-rays until I either had insurance or they decided to do pro bono work. But don't worry, they still managed to get me. It turns out I have a teeny, tiny spot of a cavity on 1 of my teeth. All they have to do is use this air-sander thing to blast the spot away. How much will that cost? $113. You'd better believe I asked before I scheduled the appointment (as I was writing my $64 check for today's visit).

Here comes my newest theory: I should attempt to recoup the cost of being uninsured through the complimentary products you get after each appointment. The whole way home, I was trying to think about how many "complimentary" toothbrushes I would have to take to balance out my losses. I can't do complicated math while driving, so the most I figured out was that I'll need to take a bigger purse in order to smuggle out all the goods. I have since run the numbers (assuming that each toothbrush costs roughly $2):

$113 cavity = 57 toothbrushes
$185 x-rays = 93 toothbrushes
$218 worth of visits = 109 toothbrushes
GRAND TOTAL ($516) = 258 toothbrushes

I suppose I could also swipe the floss and travel size toothpastes, so that will completely change those totals.

I hate flossing. I wish I had 1 long curvy tooth. It didn't need to be split up. They didn't have to make separations with me. I can't get into flossing, I can't. People who smoke say, "You don't know how hard it is to stop smoking." Yes I do. It's as hard as it is to start flossing. ~Mitch Hedberg

Check Out this Biz

2009-10-14T15:29:00.003-04:00

It's been awhile since I last posted anything...sorry about that! I was super busy finishing up my student teaching at the Spanish-immersion elementary school (it was all kinds of triste) and beginning my student teaching at the high school. On top of that I've still been feeling sick. I think I'm finally getting over what I dubbed the "Dick Cheney of Viruses" because this thing will not die. Fortunately, I'll be on fall break tomorrow and Friday...so the blog shall be updated!

Before I get back to planning out my next couple of posts* I have to share this with everyone. My friend Kristin sent me a link to a new favorite website called Awkward Family Photos and realized it had been awhile since I checked up on my other regularly visited sites. After checking out everything on Cake Wrecks, I hopped on over to People of Walmart. It was on People of Walmart that I saw this gem (click the link to read all the comments on the site):

Just take it all in. I highly recommend visiting the site and trying to read some of the individual platforms being advocated on this van. One of the stickers says something about being anti-seat belt. I don't think that's a thing. Those of you who know me are well aware that I love reading bumper stickers (although I don't put them on my car). If I'm stuck in traffic, I enjoy being behind a car with several bumper stickers to amuse me. Most of the time it doesn't even matter if I agree with the sticker or not; if I don't agree, I make fun of it and if I do, I typically LOL. I don't think I ever blogged about the time when I was younger (maybe junior high) and I had to go to the eye doctor and get my eyes dilated. As Amy Jo was driving me home we got stuck behind a car covered in bumper stickers (well, just the back of the car...this van has obviously redefined covered) and I couldn't see well enough to read any of them. That was a hard (and sad) day.

Despite my love of bumper stickers, I'm pretty sure my head would've exploded had I encountered this van in person. At a minimum, the rest of my day would've been shot because I would HAVE to just sit down and take in this bad boy. I'm upset there aren't pictures of this van from all angles.

*Yes, sometimes I do actually plan these things out. There have been rough drafts. So if anyone tries to tell you that stream of conscious writing doesn't take any planning, punch them in the face.

In Your Own Words

2009-10-01T18:02:00.013-04:00

I hate how the blog makes it so difficult to post comments. I've received so much Facebook feedback on the Crazy Bitch Saga, that I had to share it!

With the response to my first status update, how could I not post on this topic?

I'm getting comments like it's my job and the rent's due tomorrow!

And just when you thought it was over, I get another message. The people demanded a blog post.

Not only were all these comments great, but they also prove that I'm not the only one who thinks this chick is crazy. She's the only one who thinks she's not crazy.

Thanks for joining me on the crazy roller coaster that has been this situation!

Crazy Bitch...or Trick Candle?

2009-10-01T17:02:00.013-04:00

I should've known that there was no way that crazy bitch was done. Why would a crazy person actually comply with my requests to be left alone? She's like a trick birthday candle; you think you've blown it out, but then the damn thing lights up again! Does she not know that those are annoying? By the end of the day Tuesday, I'd received another message from her. I've blocked a lot of it out because it's a variety of accusations about my friend, and I won't post those.

And now I'm pissed. In the last message I sent her I said that I wasn't going to talk about this anymore. So she sent me another message. I did not reply--I'm a lot of things, but a liar is not one of them. Clearly, she's not going to stop. Thus I was forced to reply...

I suppose I could've been a little less of a smart ass...but where's the fun in that? At this point, I was unable to resist. I sent this message and then I blocked her. You can imagine my surprise at receiving this:
Has your mind been blown? First of all, what an opening! Did you see the part where she said I was the "world's biggest bitch"? The entire world. I'm adding that to my resume! I also like the part about I should've thought about this as much as I thought about putting food in my mouth. This is just further proof that this bitch doesn't know me--I don't eat much. I love that her defense is to call me fat--like it's going to be news to me. Like I don't tell myself that almost every second of every day. The ugly thing is another story. I am fat, and I can be a bitch, but I'm not ugly. And I should take this moment to mention that this girl is BUSTED looking. She is neither pretty nor thin. It's safe to say that I'm not stupid and I'm pretty sure I'm not a cunt (but then again, possession is nine-tenths of the law).

And then she says that I should've stopped talking to her in the beginning...wow, what have I been trying to do in every single message. She instigated this entire thing, not me. Is anyone as impressed as I was that her argument has quickly dwindled into attacks against me as opposed to a defense of her actions? I was literally visualizing her grasping at straws. Oh, did you see the part where she tells me not to attempt to make her feel stupid? It was so hard not to reply with, "Trust me, you don't need anyone's help to look stupid."

Then there's the little part where she hopes I die. Well, she hopes for the "sale" of the world that I don't live long. Let's give her the benefit of the doubt and say that she meant "sake". Unless, is the world for sale? What's the sticker price? Seriously, she hopes I die? WHAT THE FUCK!? Amy Jo was not thrilled about that part of the message. In her mind, wishing my death is not the ultimate insult--she goes on to insult my political beliefs. What's next? "I know you drive a Honda, and those suck!"

At this point I reported her to Facebook because this is harrassment. Will that be the end of this saga? Well, let's hope so.

F'd Up: The Epilogue

2009-09-28T20:53:00.002-04:00

There was so much to go over in the last post, I realize that I left a few things out. I forgot to mention, I had approximately 1 class with this girl in high school. We were acquaintances, not close friends. We never had each others' phone numbers, we didn't hang out. I told my friend Jess about this and she said, "Um no. Apparently you two have been friends since high school. How dare you unfriend her." I guess I've got some balls to do this.

If you're thinking to yourself, "I don't know what to say about this," then you are not alone. That has been the response of every person who has read this. If you're thinking, "this is the funniest thing I have read in a long time," you're also not alone (but read my blog more often, it's always hilarious).