Sunday, August 28, 2011

Where do you think we are? Myspace?

So, this morning I got out of bed when I heard Amy Jo saying, "What in the holy hell?" from our family room. Somehow, the dogs had been shredding toilet paper all morning. She'd already found them in the hall and thought that was the extent of the damage, but oh no. Our family room was covered with toilet paper. After we cleaned up, I entertained the notion of going back to sleep but quickly realized I was hungry. "Mmmm, scrambled eggs," I thought to myself, then I remembered that thanks to my new allergies that dish is off the menu. Then I remembered that I can't have egg sandwiches either. That's when I decided to see what the weekend specials were at Doodle's (I mean, as long as I was getting all depressed, I might as well go the distance).

So I grab my trusty iPhone and pull up Facebook. I went to the messages section and started looking under "other" because that's where the Doodle's messages used to be. Naturally, they're not there any more because Facebook changes layouts more than some people probably change their sheets. I'm still clueless as to their specials, because the first message in my list of "other" messages was from a gentleman caller. I had to click on the message and see what the what was going on.
I've marked through his full name and email address, but
I had to leave his picture for you to get the full effect.

 First of all, I don't know how on earth he saw my profile because I have it set on super-private. I'm sure all he could see was my picture. While we're on that subject, here is what my Facebook profile picture is:
Do I look remotely like an age-appropriate woman
(friend or girlfriend) for this guy? No. No I do not.

I've never had any serious relationship to speak of, and I do feel strongly that that is an aspect of my life due for some change [ASAP, as long as we're on the subject], but this isn't really what I had in mind.

First of all, I love grammar. If I'm going to seriously consider any man who "loves privacy with my woman" (my favorite part of the message), he better damn well know how to construct a moderately correct sentence. He should also know that the letter u has never made an appearance in the word "divorce". Speaking of the letter u, the only time it is acceptable to use it in place of the actual word is in a text message. I'm actually against it then as well, but not everyone has unlimited texting and/or long text messages don't appear as one message in their phones and it's frustrating to get a message that's split up (out of order).

At first, I kind of thought he was foreign based on his English. His Facebook profile makes no indication. His Wall does inform me that he has listed his language as English. Amy Jo and I both strongly questioned the "Dave knows English" post. I should also mention that Amy Jo wants me to message him back. She wants me to tell him that I'm only interested in people my own age, but I think it's better that I just do nothing (well, nothing besides blog about it).

Second of all, we're also fairly certain that Dave is either Amy Jo's age or older. I mean, look at his hair. First of all, much of it is gone. Second of all, the remaining hair is grey and white. And I don't think it's like how Steve Martin's hair went grey when he was very young. And it's certainly nothing like the hotness pulled off by Anderson Cooper's silvery 'do.

Another fun fact about my would-be suitor, is that all of his Facebook friends are women (shocking!) and several them are pictured in bikinis or have their Facebook name listed as something like "HotKatie". I know that Facebook has really gone downhill, but isn't that nonsense better left to MySpace?

I think the message for all of us to take away from this is that any interested parties better speak up. I clearly have romantic (or Romantic, as Dave might say) options. Tell your friends that they'd better hurry up and ask me out, before I run away with the next guy whose name appears in my "other" Facebook messages.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Sleep? What's That?

I've had the hardest time falling asleep lately. It's almost always because I can't turn my brain off. One day, Amy Jo came home and told me about some study she heard on NPR. They say that if you are the type who can't turn their brain off then you should write out a list before you go to bed. Write a list of everything you have to do the next day and then say to yourself, "OK, it's done."  I explained that this is all well and good but my problem is that my brain isn't always focusing on things I have to do. At least half the time, the most random things are running through my mind. I thought I'd come up with a few examples to share.
  • There was one week where I couldn't sleep for several nights because all my brain could do was sing songs from The Lion King. Just Can't Wait to be King, Be Prepared, all the classics.
  • Just 2 nights ago, I couldn't sleep because I started thinking about being a fruit. I thought that if I were a fruit, and someone decided to mix me up in a salad or cocktail I'd be super pissed if they put me in there with sucky fruits like cantelope and honeydew. I hate both of those. And when they're in a fruit salad they make all the fruit taste gross.
  • I've also just finished reading The Hunger Games series (which is amazing!) so a lot of my dreams have been filled with post-apocalyptic fights to the death. What made one of them particularly weird and terrifying was that Miley Cyrus was also in the Games with me and she kept singing The Climb over and over.
I actually had a whole list going the other night and I debated grabbing my phone to jot them down. But I thought that might make it even harder to go to sleep and was certain I'd remember everything. Nope. Not so much.