Wednesday, June 19, 2013


I've gone to several weddings lately and going to weddings always makes you think about weddings (crazy how that works, huh?). Plus I've been catching up on Bridezillas on Netflix, which is (as always) freaking amazing. One thing I've been thinking about it the unity candle. These days there are a lot of alternatives to the traditional unity candle. There's sand, pebbles, water, trees, and all sorts of other stuff! If you don't believe me, just do a little Google or Pinterest search; it's a little out of control.

I've never been a big fan of the unity candle (or whatever) ceremony. First of all, it's a wedding which is a fairly big symbol of unity in and of itself. Secondly, they usually have the mothers of the bride and groom light the candles that the bride and groom use to light their unity candle which to me symbolize the love of their [the parents'] marriages being put into the new marriage. I could be wrong on that, but that's what it has always looked like to me, and my parents are divorced so it seems like a strange thing for me to have my parents do.

The thing with sand or whatever is that I don't want to hang on to a vase full of sand for 50 years. That's just one more thing that I have to dust. Plus, what if I break it? That seems like bad luck. What if I want to get rid of it? Does that mean I'm going to get divorced or something? I'd just rather not do it.

But, just when I thought all hope was lost--my friend Corrine came up with a brilliant unity plan that I can really get behind. You're going to love it: unity chocolate. You love it already, I can tell. Now, you could go a lot of ways with this but here's what I'm thinking. So you've got some sort of melted chocolate down at the end of the aisle. Maybe you have the mothers of the bride and groom turn on some sort of fondue pots or whatever to melt said chocolate, I don't care. So you both pour the melted chocolate into a mold or something and then you get to eat it. And if you're anything like me, once you eat something delicious it's not going anywhere. It shall remain on whatever part of your body holds onto delicious calories and fat.

Now that's some unity I can get behind. Candy unity.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013


I think we can all agree that Target is an amazing place. Have you ever gone in there in purchased just what you went in there to purchase? If you have let me be the first to congratulate you on being a ninja and/or wizard. I was in Target today and in addition to a delightful array of products, I discovered that Target seemed to have all I needed in terms of entertainment as I listened to my fellow shoppers.

I was browsing through the clearance racks when I saw a young mother approach a Target employee...
Mother: Excuse me sir, could I bother you for a second?
Employee: Sure.
Mother: Would you mind helping me with my children? Could you maybe scare the crap out of them so that they behave in the store?
Employee: Sure! I'll just tell them that I'm going to make them work with me if they don't behave. That's what I usually do. 
I will state that although I heard the boy crying and sniffling, I didn't hear him screaming and acting like a crazy person. Score one for mom and Target man. On to the dressing room. There I was, trying on my items (always a thrill) and I could tell a woman had her child (or children?) in the dressing room with her as she was trying things on.
Daughter: You do not look fat at all in that. You should get it.
She said it with such passion, too. I thought to myself, "Wow, this is not her first rodeo!" My last chuckle came while I was happily perusing office supplies like the little OCD weirdo that I am. Another mother had her children with her and I think they may have been shopping for Father's Day (this Sunday, people!).
Daughter: World's Greatest Dad. Oh my gosh! A trophy for him! I'm so getting this. Mom look! "World's Greatest Dad!"
I then listened to her explain the trophy to everyone else who came to Target with them. She sure was excited, so I guess she must have the world's greatest dad. I'm not certain how I'm going to break the news to my dad. Between the fun purchases and the amusing conversations (bonus, none of them actually required me to participate) I'd say it was a pretty good day at Target.