Monday, December 31, 2012

Just keep pinning

Like the majority of my gender, I love Pinterest. It's a fantastic time-suck. I like things that I can just mindlessly peruse as a means of mentally unwinding. And sometimes there are some good ideas floating around the site. Plus, you have to be invited to join and that's delightfully sassy (especially for a website).

I "follow" some of my friends on Pinterest, and I look at some of their pins. But a lot of people follow certain people or boards religiously. I don't. I guess it's due largely in part to my self-centered nature. To say I don't care about what my friends are pinning seems cruel...but it also seems a bit accurate. You pin what you want, I'll pin what I want and we'll call it a day. For example, if you have a board devoted to wedding stuff I have no need to look at it as I am not engaged. If you have a board devoted to cute poses for your maternity photo shoot, I won't check it out because I'm quite certain that I am not pregnant.

Another popular trend arising from Pinterest is craft clubs. Girls getting together every so often to attempt to make wreaths or other stuff they saw on Pinterest. If that's your thing, I'm cool with it. However, it is not my thing. It's not that I'm not artistic, because I am. I don't say crafty because the word crafty makes me feel like a grandma who puts puff paint on holiday-themed sweatshirts. I'm all for spending quality time with friends but if that quality time always includes me coming home with a mason jar I've spray painted and bedazzled a Bible verse onto, I'm not interested.

Here are some of the thoughts that run through my head while on Pinterest:

  • Why would I want to make my own laundry detergent? You know who's good at making detergent? Detergent companies. I'll just buy Tide like a regular person.
  • If I were Ryan Gosling, I'd do a whole photo shoot to help out all these "Hey Girl," people. Like a whole series of me holding various craft supplies or something. Maybe a series of me doing household chores because I keep seeing all these pins hinting that photos of hot guys doing housework is like porn for women.
  • Speaking of "porn for women" I don't think it's the fact that the guy in the picture is cleaning that does the trick. I'm pretty sure it's his hotness. At the end of the day I don't care if Jensen Ackles (my celebrity crush from Supernatural) is holding a vacuum cleaner or not. I care that he is Jensen Ackles and he is beautiful.
  • Channing Tatum is the most overrated thing since Greek Yogurt.
  • While that does seem like a nice cupcake carrier, it looks like it would be a bitch to clean and store. I just won't make cupcakes.
  • I should study the correlation between the obnoxiousness of a child's name and the mother's desire to stamp that child's name onto everything they own. But then again, if I'd insisted on giving my kid a weird name (like Hadleigh) or a normal name with a weird spelling (like Meaghanne), my brain might not be firing on all cylinders and I might need reminders of how to spell it.
  • I'm not against a house having a "man cave" for a guy to put all his guy stuff in, but I am so over hearing the term man cave. And I bet he's tired if hearing it, too. I bet every time you talk about his man cave, he wishes he were in an actual cave so he could be left alone. Also, why are you pinning pictures of ideas for his man cave? Stop meddling in his cave, woman!
  • I'm not saying that your idea for storing the remainder of a bag of chocolate chips isn't clever, because it is. What I'm saying is, how often does this chocolate chip preservation scenario come up at your house? And what's wrong with a rubber band?
  • Now there's a tattoo you'll never regret!
I could go on and on. I actually have a board on Pinterest to make fun of things, it's called "Why is this a thing?" And it's proven to be quite popular with a number of my friends. Last night I felt bad for about half a minute because some people might see that I'm repinning their serious picture onto a board that questions that picture's existence. But then I realized, maybe they don't know that they like stupid things. Somebody has to tell them. If you share any of my feelings towards Pinterest, I totally recommend visiting this website: www.pinterestyouaredrunk.com

Sunday, December 30, 2012

It's redundant (and repetitive)

2013 is almost upon us, and that means it's time to make up grandiose plans about how we're going to better ourselves this year. I'm not much for New Year's resolutions; everybody ends up breaking them anyway, so I just eliminate the middle man by not making them to begin with.

Well, I make them mentally but I don't announce it (that way no one knows when I fail). I can just see my Facebook status on January 1: 2013 is going to be the year I get fit! Yay healthy living #imagetsoskinny! And then a month later (maybe 2 months): I will pay someone $5 to bring me some more marshmallows. #hungryhungryhippo. Who needs that?

But many people will be making these types of statements which leads me to today's topic: The LGN Diet. What is the LGN Diet? LGN stands for Look Good Naked. Nothing wrong with that. To my knowledge, there is no official LGN plan to follow (not like South Beach or Sugar Busters or whatever). It's just a name that people (particularly brides-to-be) often give their diet.

I don't feel it's necessary to name my diets; but if I did I'd call them something like "I want to fit into my pants again diet," or "I don't want to have a heart attack diet," or the ever popular, "Nobody likes being asked if they're pregnant when they aren't diet". It's probably for the best that I don't name diets because none of those flow very nicely. Not like "look good naked".

Am I the only one who feels that the name "look good naked diet" suggests that there are other diets with goals other than looking good naked? Is there a "Look good while clothed but still look kinda weird & lumpy naked diet"? When I first heard about LGN, I thought, "I just call that a diet." Any diet I try could be labeled LGN. That's kind of why I'm dieting. I want to look good clothed and naked. Doesn't everybody?

Even if there's no one in your life currently who sees you naked, it's nice to be prepared. I know I'd enjoy not averting my eyes from the bathroom mirror in the morning before/after my shower. When you go to the doctor for a physical, wouldn't it be nice to also look good? What if there were some sort of crisis and the only way for you to save the day involved you being naked for some reason? Most of us would agree that no matter what we look like, we'd strip down in order to save the world. I know I would. But I sure would like it if the Time magazine cover said something like Girl Strips to Save Planet: And Looks Great Doing It! And then the caption under my photo would just say something like, "Damn!"

 

Friday, December 28, 2012

Dealbreaker

A funny thing happened last week in regards to online dating and what kind of blogger would I be if I didn't share it with you? That's right, not a very good one. As you may remember, online dating is so much fun that I belong to multiple sites. I've been using Match and Christian Mingle. As I have previously posted, Christian Mingle tends to be the site with all the creepers. Who could forget this little gem or his text messages? And the rest.

One thing I will say for Christian Mingle is that they have this fun Question of the Week. It seems like a good idea. There's a different random question every week and you have the option of answering it and/or reading other people's answers. I rather enjoy this because I like answering questions that I know the answers to. And unlike AP Calculus in high school, I actually know the answers to these questions! *Sidenote: if you never know the answer in a math class, don't just always answer with "Seven!" every time the teacher calls on you. They don't realize how hilarious it is.

Last week's Question of the Week was: What are 3 dealbreakers you have when dating? I was definitely going to answer this one...the hard part would be narrowing it down to just three (I'm kidding, kind of). Plus, I can no longer hear the word "dealbreaker" without thinking about Liz Lemon's Dealbreakers skit and subsequent book on 30 Rock last season.

Here was my answer to the dealbreakers question:
 
Pretty simple and straightforward. Honestly, I'm a little surprised that Christian Mingle approved this answer. We are talking about the site that censored me for using the word pissed. I knew that there would be plenty of people who wouldn't agree with me, which is fine. You don't have to agree with me just because I'm right. If you like being wrong, that's cool. Seriously though, believe whatever you want to believe. I wondered whether or not I would receive any backlash from my post; and I didn't have to wonder for long. I received two messages about my answer. And here they are:

Stark disagreement. I don't think anyone has ever accused me of being in stark disagreement with anything before. But then again, if most people are like me then the only times they think to use the word "stark" would be before the word "naked" and when talking about Iron Man's true identity, Tony Stark.

Read the Bible from cover to cover. You'll have to forgive this guy because he doesn't know that I actually have read the Bible from cover to cover (true story, I have). Or perhaps he does know. It's been quite awhile since I did it; maybe he wants me to do it again. This time I think I'm going to go around the outside cover to cover. It'll be much faster that way. And I had to leave the majority of his picture in for you to see. Isn't it funny how the people who are so anti-homosexuality/homophobic often turn out to be gay themselves? I'm not saying that this guy is gay...I'm just providing a little food for thought to go along with that picture. Let's be real, it's not the most manly pose he could've struck.

I'm proud to say that I didn't respond to either of these messages. There would be no point. I didn't even respond to correct the plethora of grammatical errors that were jumping off the screen at me. I did take some action; I added a footnote to my answer to deter any other messages such as this one.

Other than that, it's been business as usual on Christian Mingle. You know, just ignoring old men who "smile" at me repeatedly until they finally message me saying, "We should meet," and I have to say, "No thank you. I'm looking for someone my own age." Because that actually happened this week, despite the fact that I had recently added this to my profile:

Monday, December 24, 2012

Poor Grinch

I've started my Christmas Eve movie traditions. I've watched Elf, The Holiday, Christmas Vacation, and Love Actually in the days leading up to this time so those are taken care of. So far today I've watched It's Christmastime Again, Charlie Brown and now I've moved on to The Grinch (the animated version--the only version worth watching in my opinion).

As I've been watching, I've really started to sympathize with the Grinch. I mean, nobody bothered to delve into the cause of his hatred towards Christmas. They do mention how much he hates all the noise the Who's make with all their toys and instruments on Christmas. Maybe he suffers from chronic migraines. I can't imagine how unpleasant that would be. If all the Who's of Whoville chipped in, maybe they could buy him some of those noise canceling headphones. That could've solved the whole thing.

He could als be suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder, a type of depression that is aptly abbreviated to SAD. The Grinch might get gloomy because the sun isn't out much in the winter. Lots of people struggle with this every year. The Grimch could look into taking some Vitamin D and/or getting one of those sun lamps.

As long as I'm talking about the Grinch, does anyone else think it's odd that he owns a dog? His personality is certainly not that of a typical pet owner. Plus, studies have shown that dogs help cheer people up. Maybe if he paid attention to Max and took him on walks he'd feel better.

I suppose I've identified with the Grinch's struggles with depression long enough. Well, that and the movie is over and now I'm watching White Christmas. In case you're interested, I will also be watching A Muppet Christmas Carol and A Christmas Story today. ¡Feliz Navidad, everyone!

Monday, December 17, 2012

Being a Teacher

I know I'm far from the only person who was shocked by the events in Connecticut on Friday, December 14. Any tragedy where people lose their lives is tragic, but it always seems to be so much worse when children are involved. The only thing we can do in these situations is pray.

 I think the shooting has been on my mind more because I now teach at an elementary school and I can't imagine that happening to any of these defenseless kids. I've been around elementary age children for awhile now and I feel as though I have a better understanding of how they process information. It hadn't occurred to me that we needed to be prepared to discuss the events with students if they asked. Thankfully no one has asked me anything.

 At the high school level, students can process the information about a shooting. They understand that there is no explanation for these things other than someone just going crazy. A lot of my students don't even know what happened; and why would they? They don't watch the news, and their parents have sheltered them from things of this nature. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's very different.

 There's also been a lot of talk about how amazing teachers are. I read the story of Ms. Soto, a first grade teacher who hid her students in cabinets and closets before the gunman arrived at her room. She lied and said they were in the gym and he shot her. She was my age and she died for her students. That's kind of hard to process. I find the story amazing, but I don't feel worthy of being lumped into a category with teachers like her. A lot of people want to assume that I am brave by proxy because they hear a story like this about another brave teacher.

 We're all trained in what to do in a situation such as a gunman entering the school and I am confident that I could do what I'm supposed to do in that scenario. I hope I never have to find out how brave I am. So far, my career has not included any bravery. I show up, I teach Spanish and play with kids, and then I go home. That's it. I cannot say whether or not I would've been as quick thinking as Ms. Soto in that situation. So please, don't elevate me to her level merely because we share the same profession. I'm not brave and I'm not a hero; I'm just a teacher.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

So what you're saying is, I don't get a present?

I noticed this email that Amy Jo had printed out sitting on our counter. It contains the origins of the Twelve Days of Christmas and I thought I'd write about it. Apparently, between 1588-1829 Roman Catholics couldn't openly practice their faith in England. The song was written as a code for kids to learn about the Jesus and whatnot. Personally, I found the original lyrics hard enough to remember much less a second set of hidden meanings.

  • Partridge in a Pear Tree: Jesus Christ [Superstar]
  • 2 Turtle Doves: Old & New Testaments
  • 3 French Hens: Faith, hope, and love
  • 4 Calling Birds: The 4 Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John)
  • 5 Golden Rings: The Torah (the first 5 books of the Old Testament)
  • 6 Geese a-Laying: The 6 days of creation
  • 7 Swans a-Swimming: The sevenfold gifts of the Holy Spirit (prophesy, serving, teaching, exhortation, contribution, leadership, and mercy). Let's talk about me not even knowing this was a thing.
  • 8 Maids a-Milking: The 8 beatitudes (I had to look up what a beatitude was, but apparently it's all those "blessed are the so-and-so's" things)
  • 9 Ladies Dancing: The 9 Fruits of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control)
  • 10 Lords a-Leaping: The 10 Commandments
  • 11 Pipers Piping: The 11 faithful disciples (in your face, Judas!)
  • 12 Drummers Drumming: The 12 points of belief in the Apostles' Creed (I don't know what that is)
So I guess the song is cool or whatever, but I don't really understand how this teaches you anything about religion. It mostly just teaches you how many of each thing there are, but hey I'm not here to judge.

I've always thought the song was about a guy who gave his lady the weirdest possible Christmas gifts; I suppose it's cool to find out that there's a hidden meaning. I would've been irritated if someone sang this song to me and then I found out that weren't actually getting me anything. Weird and impractical or not, a present is a present.

I can envision 1600s Erin responding to this song, "Hold up. You mean to tell me I don't get any of those things? All you're doing is telling me about Jesus?! Dude, I already know about Jesus*. What I'd like to know about is why you didn't get me any presents. That's shady. You know what? I'ma go hook up with those pilgrims and get up outta this country. Thanks for the weird song about birds and stuff. Bye."

*One of the new things I learned about Jesus came about yesterday as I listened to a second grade boy explain to the other students at his table, "You guys don't know anything about Jesus. You know he died, right? He died for us. He jumped out of a helicopter."

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

#blonde

This afternoon I got the vacuum out to clean up before Bible study. I started unwinding the cord and something occurred to me. You know those two thingys that you wrap the cord around? Well, the one on top can rotate. I've always known that, but it's taken me my entire life to realize that I could just rotate that thingy down and let the cord fall off.

I've spent over 20 years unwinding the cord. Factor in my OCD and love of cleanliness into the equation and you've got an idea of how often I vacuum. Now add up those precious, wasted seconds over years and years. How much time has been wasted on that cord? 5, maybe 10 minutes?!

I'll never get that time back! But mostly I can't believe how stupid I've been all these years.

Friday, December 7, 2012

Mistletoe

As previously stated in my first post of the night, I've been listening to Christmas music. I was rocking out to All I Want for Christmas is You and decided to write about it.
Oh I won't ask for much this Christmas. I won't even wish for snow.
And I'm just going to keep waiting underneath the mistletoe.
I like the idea of mistletoe. I always have. A plant that requires people to kiss, what's not to love? According to this Wikipedia article I just skimmed about mistletoe, the concept of kissing under the mistletoe may be Scandanavian in origin. Guess who else is Scandanavian in origin? My people. Maybe that's why I like it; it figures that a people as bossy as the Vikings would create bossy plants.

Now, I'm no mistletoe kissing expert. I'm actually a mistletoe kissing virgin (and I assume most people are because how often do you see mistletoe?). It is on my list of things to do. I always feel the need to participate in quintessential pop culture experiences. If you're like me, why not try some of these tips I just invented for mistletoe success?
  • Don't just stand there! Remember that saying about how if Mohammed won't go to the mountain then we have to bring the mountain to Mohammed? Or maybe I got that backwards; whatever, it doesn't matter. The point is that it's crucial to circulate and mingle at a party (especially if you are apparently trying to kiss one of the other guests). Why not attach some mistletoe to your head? That way you don't have to stand under it all night.
  • Work with a partner. Not interested in looking like a crazy person with a plant attached to their head? Well, that's probably for the best. Why not take turns with a friend, sneaking up behind people and springing the mistletoe on them so they can't escape? When I was in a sorority, we had a signal during rush parties in case we were having a hard time keeping a conversation going with a potential member. You and your friend can employ the same technique. Make sure to alternate whose turn it is to hold the mistletoe, we all have to do our part.
  • Hire a professional. People are so quick to judge prostitutes, but you know what they get the job done. Now I know what you're thinking, "We've got this whole Fiscal Cliff situation going on and while I find it too boring to actually educate myself about it, I have a sinking suspicion that I shouldn't be throwing good money away on hookers." Let's be honest, how much could one kiss under the mistletoe possibly cost? It can't be that much. I'd imagine times are hard for the world's oldest profession, too. Beggars can't be choosers. 
Those are the tips I came up with off the top of my head. I wish you the best of luck. Let's report back in January and see which techniques worked and which require fine tuning.

Must Have Christmas Music

I was listening to my Christmas mix in the car today (because it is now acceptable since we are in the month of December) and I started thinking about the fact that some of my song choices might be atypical to most people's holiday selections. However, my selections are awesome and everyone else is missing out. So here's a list of some my favorite Christmas music. Feel free to download them and make a badass mix. *Or just have me burn you a CD...sshhhh, don't tell iTunes.

Erin's Top 20 Christmas Songs
  1. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas (Christina Aguilera)
  2. White Christmas (Bing Crosby)
  3. Feliz Navidad (Jose Feliciano) I am a Spanish teacher after all, which makes me one of the few individuals to know what he says after Feliz Navidad.
  4. I'll Be Home for Christmas (Elvis Presley) I actually own two covers of this, the other is by Kelly Clarkson.
  5. Meet Me Under the Mistletoe (Randy Travis) Sometimes I just love how ridiculously country Randy Travis sounds.
  6. I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas (Gayla Peevey) I don't know what it is about this song, but for whatever reason I love it.
  7. Winter Wonderland (Ella Fitzgerald) I can also recommend both Leon Redbone and Jewel's covers of this. Don't worry, Jewel's album was pre-sell-out Jewel.
  8. Stuff I Want (Sum 41 featuring Jack Black) My friend introduced me to this song a few years ago and I love it. It's just crazy. Plus, it has Jack Black so you can't go wrong. If you don't believe me, just check out the lyrics.
  9. Sleigh Ride (Ella Fitzgerald) I love Ella Fitzgerald...she's on this list quite a bit
  10. Baby It's Cold Outside (Ella Fitzgerald & Louis Jordan) There are many good covers of this (and a lot of terrible ones, too) but this is by far the best one.
  11. Santa Baby (Eartha Kitt) I can remember first hearing this song when I was about 8 years old and thinking, "This is scandalous! I think this woman wants to have sex with Santa...I bet she just waits for him underneath the tree...naked."
  12. You're a Mean One Mr. Grinch (Thurl Ravenscroft) Obviously. Also, the guy who sings this is the same guy who did the voice for Tony the Tiger. This song is GRRREAT!
  13. All I Want for Christmas is You (Mariah Carey)
  14. Merry Christmas, Baby (Bonnie Raitt & Charles Brown)
  15. Oh Holy Night (Kelly Clarkson) One of my all time favorite Christmas songs. It's so beautiful.
  16. Chanukah Song (Adam Sandler) And yes, I do know all the words.
  17. Chanukah Song 2 (Adam Sandler) Yea, there are two of them.
  18. Carol of the Bells (Some choir or whatever) This was one of my favorites to sing in a choir
  19. The Chipmunk Song (The Chipmunks) I think you have to listen to this even if you don't like it.
  20. Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree (Brenda Lee) This always makes me think of Home Alone and I imagine dancing around with all those strings tied to me, making it look like the house was full of people...and also a Michael Jordan cut-out is going around the room on a train.
And of course I love almost all of the church classics--Hark the Herald Angel Sings, Joy to the World, etc.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Oh, I'm Straight...sorry?

It's 1:16 am and Lola and I are just sitting here. I was already awake (stupid multi-tasking brain racing from one pointless thought to another) but then somebody needed me to let her outside to pee, so I got up. Actually I think Lola has fallen back asleep in the time it took to write those first two sentences. I guess your brain doesn't race around much when you're a dog. A funny thing happened to me the other day and I know how much people love to hear about stuff that happens to other people, so here we go.

I was on my lunch break, signing onto Facebook when I saw that I'd received a message earlier in the week. For some reason, the message didn't appear as "new" so I didn't notice it right away. It was from a college friend. She opened by explaining that she had a friend in need of a date for a work Christmas party. Finally, people are starting to realize they can help me find love...right? Somewhat right. The message went on to say that the friend was a girl. My college friend was unsure of my preference in the dating arena so she figured it wouldn't hurt to ask.

Some people would be mad or offended. And those people would be homophobic...and honestly probably just repressing their own homosexual tendencies. I wasn't mad at all; I mean, the girl was trying to hook me up and I can't hate on that. I even looked at my potential date's profile page and discovered her to be quite pretty. I found that oddly flattering.

Obviously looks aren't everything in a relationship but I tend to think that people pair up with their "equivalent". If we're rating looks on a scale from 1 to 10, the 5s tend to go with the 5s or another close number. If my memory from taking statistics three times in college serves me right (which it might not) I want to say that we tend to stick within one standard deviation of our ranking. Man I hope that sounded smart. If I got it wrong, don't tell me. Anyway, the point is you don't typically see a 2 walking around with a 10. For example, no one has ever said to me, "Wow, Erin, has anyone ever told you that you and Jensen Ackles would really look good together." And you probably don't know who Jensen Ackles is but he's on my new favorite show, Supernatural, and he's so pretty. He's way prettier than me and I have no problem admitting it.

My point is that my attractiveness rating could be close to this lovely girl I'd be accompanying to a Christmas party if it weren't for the fact that I'm straight. I responded to my friend, saying that I was only interested in guys but thanked her for thinking of me. I may have apologized for being straight, I don't remember. But if I did apologize for my heterosexuality it was definitely a first. And part of me did like the idea of going to a Christmas party, but it seemed dishonest to go seeing as how I'm not gay.

Oh well, there will be other parties.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Wanted: Justice

This morning, Amy Jo woke me up to let me know that I had a flat tire. Now I'm sitting here at S&S Tire waiting for it to be replaced. It's my lucky day because ESPN is on in the waiting room and I think we all know how much I love sports.

I was listening to all this fascinating sports news while putting together a puzzle on my fabulous puzzle app when I heard a familiar name: Michael Vick. Apparently, he's had some concussions and still hasn't been cleared to play. Aw, poor guy.

It irritates me so much that Michael Vick has been welcomed back into the NFL after the whole dog-fighting thing. In my mind, dog fighting is one of the most deplorable activities a person can engage in. Anyone who abuses animals, children, or the elderly disgusts me. I think someone who enjoys watching animals kill each other is severely disturbed.

I understand that the law cannot always operate at my desired level of justice. If you ask me, the appropriate sentence for Michael Vick would've been to let the pit bulls rip him to shreds before they had to be euthanized. Because many of those innocent dogs did have to be euthanized. Their minds were so warped by bastards like Vick that they were too dangerous to be rehabilitated. It's only fair that they get to take out that aggression on the man that made them that way.

Our law and justice system doesn't work like that, as much as we might like it to sometimes. Fine. He served minimal time for his crimes, which is something. But why has he been allowed to return to a career in the spotlight where he makes millions of dollars? Why was he given a reality tv show? Why is it possible for his name to be mentioned without any reference to his offensive crimes? That is not fair.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

A Good Way to End Thanksgiving

A really good way to end Thanksgiving includes stumbling upon a Christian Mingle profile of the most long-winded dude in the greater Cincinatti area. He wrote paragraph upon paragraph about his future wife--right down to how he'd ideally like her to dress (long hair & skirts--big surprise). Actually he went on to talk about modesty and how "the revealing of a woman's shape was meant to bean invitation for her husband to experience her." And you know what, I fully agree with that which is why I wear a burka at all times. I even wear it in the shower, because what if my dogs push the bathroom door open while I'm showering and poke their heads behind the curtain? That's scarlet letter material right there.

The good news is he will "never restrict her in any way without clear reason or purpose." That works out well for me because as a woman living in the year 2012 I'm totally cool with some guy bossing me around provided he has a clear reason. And I'm sure this guy would know what's best for me--he has completed some classes at a Bible college and now works at a coffee shop. Take that, BA in international business & Spanish plus MA in education!

I should also mention that he doesn't want his wife to work outside the home. She'll clearly be too busy cooking, cleaning, and conceiving...not to mention the upkeep that her long flowing hair will require. They probably didn't cover this during his brief stint at bible college but ain't nobody raising a family on nothing more than a barista salary.

He also had a pretty decent diatribe about sex. I mean, boy loves him some Song of Solomon. Believe it or not, he's a virgin (although I don't see how we weak minded women can resist jumping his bones when he talks). Seriously though, that's cool if he wants to wait to have sex until he's married. It works for some people and not for others, I don't care. I did get a vibe that he's one if those "I think our first kiss should be on our wedding day" types. No matter where you stand on premarital sex, I think we can all agree that's nuts. It's obvious these people have never been kissed because if they had they would realize that it's awesome and refuse to give it up. If I'm dating someone, you can be damn sure that kissing will be involved. Back when Facebook groups were all the rage, I belonged to a group called "I like cupcakes and making out." And all I'm saying is I can't have cupcakes anymore...

I got a bit off track there. Where was I? Oh right, sex. He appears to be in the process of building it up quite a bit; and there's nothing wrong with that. To my knowledge very few people out there are saying, "Sex? Meh, take it or leave it." And if they are saying that, they might be doing it wrong. What he fails to take into account is the fact that not many people are super awesome at something the first time they do it. Remember the first time you rode a bike without training wheels? Did you coast down the cul-de-sac like a young, non-doping Lance Armstrong? Nope. You probably fell off...immediately. It's my personal opinion that sex can be the same way. Well, hopefully nobody falls off and they probably won't be wearing helmets or be out in the middle of the street, but you get what I'm saying. If my membership to Christian Mingle hadn't expired and I still had the capability to send messages, I'd drop him a line and advise dialing down the crazy just a bit.

Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! I hope you've found yourself in a slight food coma due to all the delicious goodies you ate today. Actually, I won't lie to you...I'm about ready for some dessert. Just waiting for someone else to make the call so I don't seem like the pig. It could take awhile because they all ate bready stuff like rolls and stuffing (and I obviously did not).

There's so much to be thankful for! I didn't do that popular Facebook thing where you talk about one thing you're thankful for every day because it kind of annoys me. Sometimes it seems a bit forced. But if you like it, that's cool. Basically I'm thankful for just about everything in my life. Even the crappy parts are exponentially better than the best parts of some people's lives around the world. I hope everyone out there realizes that, too.

Don't forget, tomorrow you have my permission to put up the Christmas tree and start listening to Christmas music.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Wait for it...

I know I'm not the only person in the world who is opposed to hearing Christmas music before Thanksgiving. It really irritates me. In fact, a few days before Halloween I was looking for some last minute additions to my Hipster Zombie costume and had a hard time finding the Halloween stuff because Christmas crap was already out. What the what, people?

In my book, we celebrate one holiday at a time. *Note: My birthday however can be celebrated throughout the year. Guess what comes after Halloween? Thanks-freaking-giving. Not Christmas. There's a local radio station called Mix 94.5 and when I was in high school they came up with this clever (or so they thought) thing known as "Mixmas" where they played nothing but Christmas music. I remember being skeptical at the time, because there are only so many Christmas songs...and a number of them are no good. How many covers of I'll Be Home for Christmas can I person stand? If memory serves, Mixmas originally started the day after Thanksgiving. The past few years it has started on November 1. That's too early.

I'm not even looking at this from the philosophical "why do we rush through life" angle (although it is valid). It just irritates me that people skip Thanksgiving. We have a set calendar, with set holidays that are celebrated in a particular order. You can't just go celebrating whatever you want whenever you want. If that were the case, I'd opt to store up all the Valentine's Days I have accumulated as a single lady and wait to celebrate them should anyone ever decide to date me (and based on my online dating stories, it's pretty clear I have my pick of the fellas).

Maybe that's what I'll do. 27 straight Valentine's Days. Hell, I'm going to go ahead and say 28 because there doesn't appear to be anything on the horizon...I did get a wink from a guy pictured holding a very large gun in one of his pictures, so there's always that option. It appears as though I have strayed slightly from my original topic.

I don't want to see/hear anything about Christmas until the day after Thanksgiving. End of story.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Have you no shame?

First of all, I finally figured out how to turn off the auto-renewal on match.com, which is a relief. I'm still a member through December 12 and I'm sure we can squeeze a couple more crazy stories between now and then. The Christian Mingle account runs out some time next week.

I did notice a super sneaky move by Match...on the site's toolbar, the home button has always been on the far left (just like me, haha). Apparently, once you deactivate your account the home button moves one space over to the right and its original location is replaced by the "reactivate" button. You're not fooling me, Match. I'm onto you.

I had to fill out something saying why I wasn't renewing my subscription, so naturally I decided to have a little fun. I said I wasn't renewing because I hadn't met as many potential matches as I had anticipated. I had only expected a handful (and I have little hands), but I met zero. Then there was a comment section where you could suggest how to make the site better. I wrote, "It seemed that your definition of a suitable match was that the person was male. It was like I hadn't answered any questions about what I was looking for at all. But don't feel bad, I've been using Christian Mingle and it sucks, too."

One thing I miss from my old job is eating lunch with my friends every day. Most days I sit out in my office [in a portable] and I eat lunch at my desk alone. It's not as pathetic as it sounds, largely in part because I am an introvert and enjoy alone time. The other thing that makes it not pathetic is what I have [just now] named Lunchtime Inter-Webs Exploration. LIWE consists of me clicking around on ridiculous things while enjoying whatever it is I've brought for lunch. My go-to sit is Happy Place. The site is run by the people who run Some E-Cards, and who doesn't love those? Happy Place is a treasure trove of links and lists to awesomeness. For example, screen grabs of Facebook Drama Queens. It's stuff I don't have to think about.

Yesterday, I learned that there's something called We the People on the White House website where people can submit online petitions and try to get people to sign them. Petitions for anything. Even ridiculous stuff. There are certain days in which my job has a lot of small, 30 minute breaks. Not enough time to get a lot accomplished, but enough time to scroll through some weird ass petitions and ask myself, "Why am I just now finding out about this?"

This post has been a very round about way to get to one of my discoveries earlier in the week. There I was, enjoying my LIWE when one story sent me to a website called Mandatory. Based on some initial observations, I can't believe I've never been to this site before now. The story was an experiment in online dating--more specifically, the desperation of men involved in online dating. Nobody's saying that the woman aren't desperate too, they just didn't do a story about us.

The experiment was to see how many guys would chat up a completely guano girl just because she was hot. They posted a cute picture and then made the rest of the profile crazy. And every time a guy tried to IM with her, they sent back the craziest responses. Here's what they received during the first six hours of the profile being posted. And to those guys I ask, have you no shame?

I would also like to thank Mandatory for proving to me that there are plenty of crazier people who could've been after me had I joined some of the shadier online dating sites.

Friday, November 9, 2012

Hot Button Issues with Amy Jo

When we came home from dinner on Election Day, Amy Jo and I had a Brit conversation about one of the most hot button political topics out there: abortion. I am and always have been pro-choice. Mom is also pro-choice, but she's always been a bit more conflicted about it than I have. Maybe conflicted isn't the right word; that makes me sound pretty heartless, but I can't think of a better word. She's always been of the "I would never get an abortion because it conflicts with my moral and religious beliefs but it's not my place to tell someone else they can't get one" camp.

She opened the conversation by telling me that she'd been thinking about the abortion issue earlier that day. Here are the things she thought of:

  • Why do we put the rights of the fetus above the rights of the mother? Everyone is always talking about the life of the fetus. But what about the life of the woman, who is already alive? Why does that seem to matter less?
  • The more I think about it, the more this seems like a right-wing, ultra conservative way to keep women down. To take away a woman's ability to make a decision about her own body makes it seem like she can't possibly make the decision herself.
  • A lot of people oppose abortion because of religious reasons. Why do people think they can legislate others into the kingdom? It has to be a change of heart. Just because it becomes illegal doesn't mean people won't do it. Something being illegal has never stopped a lot of people before. Take a look at the war on drugs, drugs are illegal and that doesn't stop people from doing them.
My response when she was done talking was, "Welcome to what I've been thinking for a long time." She's pretty smart, my mom. I'm lucky to live with such a forward-thinking Christian (so often those traits are mutually exclusive).

Election Day Retrospectus

I had a number of random thoughts on Election Day that I bought I'd share with you.

  • Best/most amazing thing about Election Day: Taking part in the democratic process. Second best: sleeping in.
  • The next time I vote for President, I'll be in my 30s. I will no longer be part of the youth vote.
  • Why do these other parties even have candidates for President? The Green Party? The Libertarian Party? Come on man, we all know you ain't winning this thing. Do you think they vote for themselves or do they know better than to waste their vote?
  • Pick 4 names for soil and water something? What the heck is that?! Well, I guess I'll pick the four names I like the best. Sorry, Random Dude Jr...you lost my vote because your name has Jr.
  • I'm failing to see this as the "nail biting, close call race that the pundits had built it up to be."
  • If Mitt Romney wins, I will refer to him as "Mittens". (Sadly I didn't come up with that; I heard a friend say it)
  • I wonder what it's like to live in a blue state?
  • Hold up. Some states were voting to legalize marijuana? How did I miss that?

Friday, November 2, 2012

Here's the Skinny

Why do all these weight-loss ads try to lure me with the promise of skinny jeans? When I lose (or re-lose...grr, damn candy) this weight I'm going to treat myself to something more flattering than skinny jeans. Skinny jeans look good on NO ONE. I define skinny jeans in the traditional sense: Those jeans hidden in the back of your closet that you refuse to get rid of in some desperate hope that you will fit into them once again. I'm pretty sure that definition is in the Bible (somewhere in the back).

And as long as we're on the subject...I became enraged/incredibly depressed/disgusted when I saw my reflection in the mirror at the gym tonight. I knew I was off track (to put it nicely--the more accurate statement would be something along the lines of "I knew I'd royally f*cked everything up again.") but for some reason tonight was the first time I actually saw it.

I managed to finish out Hip Hop Hustle without crying and then (naturally) proceeded to my car in order to weep like a crazy person. Once my overreaction had downgraded from Biblical to merely ridiculous, I began to drive home. I started thinking about the cause of all my problems.

Sweets. I love sweets. You know those people who say, "I'm not really big on sweets,"? I always want to ask them if they're certain they're eating sweets correctly. I mean, have you tasted sugar? It's delicious! I guess sweets aren't the root of the problem. The problem is my lack of self control combined with an addictive personality. Do you know how often I think to myself, "it's a damn good thing I never did any hardcore drugs,"?

Moderation ranks right up there with patience on the List of Things I'm Super Good at. This is America after all. If you're going to do something, you'd better be willing to give it one hundred and crazy percent. I finally recognized the fact that I cannot be trusted to eat delicious, delicious sweets. So I will be attempting to go cold turkey from things like candy...starting tomorrow. I didn't even do my usual "last meal".

According to all media portrayals of an addict getting on the wagon, "admitting you have a problem is the hardest part." That may be true, but I have a feeling that the "not eating amazingly tasty treats" is going to give "admitting I have a problem" a run for its money.

Why am I telling you this? Well, because I wanted to write that skinny jeans thing down before I forgot. And I'm also warning those of you who actually interact with me in the Real World. I can't imagine this is going to be pretty. If I threaten or insult you while suffering sugar withdrawal, I apologize.

It's going to be like the episode of The Simpsons where Marge gets sugar outlawed and everybody loses it. I plan on portraying the role of Ralph Wiggum, who sits on the playground rocking back and forth saying, "My baby! My baby!" I was going to compare it to Golum's obsession with The Precious but I hope to God I'm not that bad.

 

Run from Crazy Snake Man

I'm beginning to believe that God dislikes hyperbole. It seems as though every time I claim that the world's creepiest creep has viewed my online dating profile God sees it as a challenge. "Really," He says. "The creepiest? Think again!"

I signed on to good ol' Match.com while enjoying some spaghetti after Hip Hop Hustle class this evening. Why? Because I like to be entertained while I dine. Ah, I see two new members have viewed my profile. Could it be more awkward than the impotent man older than my parents? One member's headline caught my eye: I'm the Crazy Reptile Man your mother warned you about.

First of all, Amy Jo has done me a great disservice by never warning me about Crazy Reptile Men. Now, you can't read someone's self-given title of Crazy Reptile Man and then not click on his profile. As far as I'm concerned this is why I have this membership. Click.

He's 45 (hooray, closer to my age) and lives in Arizona (so close!). He has uploaded 9 pictures to his profile. 1 picture is of him (meh...not horrible, definitely has that Crazy Reptile Man glaze I've read so much about). The remaining 8 pictures are of some of his pets. I know that not all pets are pictured because underneath pets he has written, "reptiles and amphibians too numerous to name but some pics are posted." Oh buddy, you'd better believe I clicked on every picture. Allow me to provide you with the picture captions and my subsequent reactions.

  • Bumble Bee isn't just a cool name for a Transformer it works for Dart Frogs too! Hmm...are dart frogs poisonous? The presence of "dart" in the name does not instill much confidence within me.
  • And you thought the Geico Gecko was cool! I don't know about cool...amusing is probably more accurate. And I like him as the spokeslizard of a car insurance company I would never use--not as a pet.
  • I was about 3 seconds from having my hand removed in this pic, luckily I got away in time! What the hell animal is that? A Komodo Dragon?
  • Now tell me what could possibly be cuter than a Baby Gila Monster? Oh I don't know, how about an effing dog? Or maybe something that doesn't have the word "monster" in the name.
  • What else can be said? Blue frogs are just plain cool. Yea, I suppose they are...but not as pets.
  • My beautiful baby albino ball python. Negatory, Ghost Rider. I don't know where to begin...albino, ball python...so many terrifying words.
  • Smiling for the camera. This picture is a snake curled up in his hand with its mouth wide open. He's aimed at the camera; as though he's about to strike.
  • Big Reggie my Argentine Tegu hanging out with my friend's dog Chuy. What even is an Argentine Whatever? And why does that person clearly hate their dog?
The good news is, if I can deal with his "cold-blooded family" then the rest of the relationship should be cake. What else can be said about this character? Nothing.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

What I'm Hating: Online Dating

It's my firm belief that you can't read enough about the tragedy that is my experience with online dating. So I've compiled a greatest hits list of sorts. Some are pictures of messages and some are just synopses of profiles.


Here's a two-part message from a guy a little closer to home.

I've gotten plenty of winks and smiles from guys who live far away. The farthest has to be Australia. Talk about a practical relationship. I've also been getting a lot of attention from African American guys...I'm not against interracial dating, I've just never been particularly attracted to black guys. Part of me wonders if they see that I've got big boobs in my profile picture and assume my butt matches. It most certainly does not. I'm afraid I'm going to have to post a butt picture so they don't waste their time.

I've also gotten some responses from older guys. A lot older. I've even updated my profile to inform guys that if their age is closer to my parents' than mine, they should just keep on scrolling.

Here are the highlights from the most recent man who can't resist me...he sent me a card on Christian Mingle, lettng me know that he thinks I'm beautiful.
  • 57 years old
  • Rather large--not that I'm a model, but he might squish me
  • Retired prison warden
  • Lives in North Caroline (although he hopes to relocate to Florida, soon)
  • Has a daughter (who appears to be my age) as well as a granddaughter
  • Ultra conservative
And the kicker...this is the opening line on his profile. For the past 18 years he has been impotent. Just let that sink into your mind grapes. I appreciate that he's being honest, and I feel bad for the guy...but damn. I don't really know what else to say. Unless it's a trick, like on Friends when Paul the Wine Guy gets Monica to sleep with him by telling her that he's impotent and he makes it seem like she fixed him. If that's the case, this guy is out of luck because my lady parts do not moonlight as some sort of superhero ridding the world of impotence.
 

Hey I Haven't Met You...And I'm Crazy

The final part of the Christian Mingle story. Here are the text messages that followed the online messages.








Keep a Lid on it, Crazy

The time has come. Amy Jo is confident that enough time has passed for me to reveal my most intriguing online dating experience yet. So here's a little peek at what is waiting for you on Christian Mingle. The only thing I'm editing is his personal information...all typos and proof of craziness will be left as is.
I have no idea why, but there are parts of this post that have random white backgrounds. I can't fix it...which irritates me. But I highlighted Romeo's messages in blue.

September 9, 2012
Subject: HEY MS PERFECT!!
THOSE EYES ARE BREATH TAKING!!!Hey, I would love to hear more about ya, but am a little reserved on
this, and prefer interpersonal communication....LOL!! [he gives me his phone number] Or
look me up on F.B. [he gives me his full name, although it is not the name he has a Facebook profile with]
UNTIL LATER
While I do enjoy being called perfect and told that my eyes were breath-taking, I looked at his profile and he didn't really seem like my type. He was towards the high end of my age range, conservative, and couldn't type a coherent sentence to save his life. One part of his profile said that he had a child, and another part said he didn't...I wasn't really sure what that meant.



September 15, 2012
Subject: HEY GOOD LOOKING
STILL LONELY ..... WELL... HOPE YA HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND
So, I finally responded. I asked him to tell me about himself. He didn't respond. Then I get another message about being lonely or something and I, again, asked him to tell me about himself. The response I got the following brief self-description embedded within inches and inches of HTML script.
BRUTALLY HONEST, I NEVER HAVE MUCH USEFUL TO SAY…… LOL!! SING IN THE SOWER EVERY MORNING, GO TO WORK, PLAY AN 8 BILLIAN DOLLAR VIDEO, GAME, AND DAY DREAM ABOUT COMING HOME TO A WOMAN LIKE YOU…….. WAS RAISED BY 3 WOMEN AND 1 MAN…… READ MY PROFIE ….. USED TO WATCH SOAPS WIT MY GRANDMA AND SAY. “ I WANT THAT, WITHOUT THE DRAMA” MY, GRAND[A. [His grandfather's name], COAL MINER WITH AN 8TH GRADE EDUCATION, TAUGHT ME HOW TO BE A REAL MAN….. I CARRY HIS WEDDING BAND ON MY KEEY RING…… ENGRAVED ON IT IS “WHOM VIRTUE UNITES, DEATH CANNOT SEPARATE”

Can't say as that message really inspired me to set up a date, so I laid low. A few days later I got a "hey, how's it going?" message and I sent a generic "fine, how are you?" response. Then I got this:

HEY, WE ALL GET HUNGRY, RIGHT???/ HERE IS MY CONUNDRUM ...... i AM TAKING A WEEK FF WORK TO MOVE...... MY PARENTS JUST BOUGHT THEM A HOUSE BY JACOBSON PARK..... I JUST MADE AN OFFER ON 1, TOO FAR FOR MY MOTHER TO WALK TO (LOL) SO, UHHH, YEAH,... BEEN TRYING TO GET YOUR ATTENTION FOR A WHILE..... WINK, WINK....... AT LEAST LET ME BYE YA LUNCH....[once again, he gives his phone number]
Don't you like the part about his new house being too far for his mother to walk to? Good, we won't be interrupted because I'm totally going over there. Please tell me you noticed that he wanted to BYE me lunch. The next message I got had the subject line: ONE LAST GRASP 4 U.

IT IS A PERFECT DAY 4 A PICN...IC,,,, IN THE PRESSES OF PACKING.... LETS JUST GET SOME FRESH AIR..... CARBS///LOL!!!!
I've never had an invitation to get both fresh air and carbs. The typos alone had completely turning me off...but my mom and a few friends kept convincing me that I was being too picky and that I needed to give someone a chance. So I asked if he'd like to go for coffee at Starbucks. No big commitment; I figured it would be quick and easy--like ripping off a bandaid.

Thank yout for .......... do top secret scurity I.T. stuff for Lockheed martin. dept of defense...... IN TE POSSESS OF UPGRADIN G HOUSES... PARENTS JUST BOUGNT A NEW HOUSE OFF [street name]....... I AM MAKINGAN OFFER ON ONE BEHIND JACOBSON PARK........ SO, YEAH.... DONT DRINK COFFEE BUT STAY THIRSTY..... LOL [phone number...again]
 
I should point out that later, Will said that if this guy does IT for the D.O.D, he's not surprised that all our stuff gets jacked by the Chinese. So I finally give the guy a chance and he turns it down...WTF? I couldn't resist responding to say that Starbucks did have more than coffee.
LOL!!! YOU ARE SO CUTE!!! I'M [he tells me his name again...even though he's given it to me several times], BY THE WAY........SO, NOT TRYING TO BE RUDE, BUT COULD USE A FRIEND TO HELP ME PACK MY CRAP.......... . GOTTA BE OUT OF HERE BY FRI........OHH, I AM SORRY, AM SUCH A MESS....... . CALL ME OR TEXT DOLL
First of all, did you notice that he just tried to get me to come and help him pack up his house? I'm no date expert, but that doesn't sound particularly fun. And have you noticed how he always uses some term of endearment or nickname? Sweetie, doll, cutie, etc. Speaking of that, the next message subject was "Hey cutie"
How is yoru week goin??? Mine is a mush better today
I said that my week was going well and asked how the packing was going because I didn't know what else to say.
LLL!!! Almost non existent..... washing clothes this eve...... Sadly, biggest motivator is my obnoxious neighbors.......havent got things squared away on my new house yet anway
I didn't really have anything to say to this, so I didn't respond. A few days later, I got this:
tHOUGHT YOU WAS GONNA CALL ME SO WE CAN GET TOGHER AND CARAMELS... LOL!! TO ME, ARBITRARY AS DRINKING COFFEE.... [phone number. again]
Alright. Atrocious grammar and capslock abuse aside, I have to give the guy credit for the Good Will Hunting reference. That is a great movie. The next message was another HEY GOOD LOOKING.
How is your week going?? Plans for the weekend?? I would love to meet ya and hear more!!! lets gout out Frii??? dinner, movie???
[name and number]
I gave in. I determined that it might be a good idea if I actually went on a date before I turned 30. And no one else was chasing me on these sites, so maybe this was the best I could do.
LOL!!! OKAY.... YOU'VE GOT MU NUMBER...... HOPE YA HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!! I SURE PLAN TO
UNTIL LATER
So he still can't manage to pick a place. I asked what he wanted to do.
LOL!! you mean next weekend??? No clue.... I know this Sat is gonna be perfect 4 a picnic......... what will that be ?? 6th?? Depends on if yyour plans change, what time you are available...... unfortunately I am still living closer to Brannon crossig, so dinner and a movie..... Go to Hobby lobby get some candle wax and I can teach ya.... I have jars, wics, scents, etc............ well, you have a week to think about it...... i have a gorupon for phil harmonic not sure when it is.....
He sure loves him some picnics. And yes, you did read the line about candle wax correctly. I can't count the number of creepy places my mind went to after that. I told him that I liked Mexican food and named a restaurant that I don't like, so that I wouldn't have to stop going to a good place to avoid him.
sweetheart, I wanna tour the world just to try new foods.... LOVE MEXICAN....... You didnt say if you would like me to teach you how to make candles... LOL!! REMINDER, IF YOU CALL ME GAY, I WILL BE FORCED TO PROVE TO YOU HOW MUCH I AM NOT... LOL!!! i am a brilliant guy, but you have kept me off balance....... I am so intrigued......... So do you wann go out Oct 6??? or tomorrow??/ am My parents are having my sister a bday party tomorrow at their new house off [street name], which you are welcome....... I sense we are getting closer, so I will implore lil more patience..... still dont have your number?!!?? [phone number]

[full name]... ACQUIRED TOP SECRET SECURITY CLEARANCE, WHICH PROVES I AM HONEST.... 3 DAY INTERIGATION BY MY OWN GOV..... LOL! I talk too much, I know.. wear my heart on my sleeve...
I'm a little terrified of how he planned on proving how not gay he is. And apparently I'm welcome at a family event.
GOOD MORNING BEAUTIFUL!!!

Not trying to be difficult, but I still do not have your number, and do you mean tonight?? I can be there, but I have only met 1 woman on here, and she could neither hear nor speak, and I was ambushed by all ger friends, asking me questions, and pretty sure mistranslating...... awkward ........I wasnt mean to her, but had no choice but just get up and leave.... HENCE FORTH.... WOULD LIKE A CELL NUMBER AND DEFINITIVE ANSWER....LOL!!
YEAH, .... this feels funny. You typed, ... I feel like we and dancing in riddles........ Maybe there is some accuracy in this color scheme on here... LOL!! ANYWAY, I wanna meet, ya, but not blindly...... Additionally, I am recovering from a Traumatic brain injury, and have a heightened sense of anxiety in public, so I wouldnt recognize you immediately..... TEXT OR CALL.... I WILL BE WEARING BLUE.... GET PAID $1,200 EVERY FRIDAY AFTER TAXES, RETIRE, ETC.... MY NEW FORD EDGE STICKS OUT LIKE A SORE THUMB.... . YOU WILL SEE ME PULL IN..... FOR SOME REASON, GOD WONT LET ME GIVE UP ON YA........

until later doll,
( I HAVE A COMPLEX ABOUT SAYING , "BYE" CUZ IT SEEMS TOO Permanent
So he demands my number. And yes, it does say "traumatic brain injury". I didn't ask him how much he makes, but for some reason he told me. By now, I had given into what appeared to be my fate. I gave him my number.
THANKS DOLL... HAD MY HOPES UP FOR TODAY... LOL!!! WILL TEXT YA...
Up next, the text message vomiting that followed.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

One in a million

I bet the person who came up with the compliment "you're one in a million," never anticipated the world's population passing the six billion mark. When one million is compared to 6,000,000,000 it's not that impressive. However I think it's more accurate in describing me. "Hey baby, you're somewhat unique but in a lot of ways you're pretty much like everyone else."

Coming soon: The most terrifying experience I've had on the depressing road that is online dating. It was also the closest I've come to getting a date out of the whole thing. Once I'm certain that I'm no longer on this dude's radar, I'll post the fascinating tale for your enjoyment.

 

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Prescriptions & Sex

I just picked up my second round of antibiotics in an attempt to get rid of this sinus crap and the guy at the pharmacy reminded me that Amoxicilin does affect the efficacy of my birth control. I love when they tell me that. I always just say, "Oh OK," but I sometimes debate saying something creepy. I'm toying with some various options:

  • Dammit! Are you serious? Well, you'd better throw in some condoms and Plan B with it because I'm not canceling my plans this weekend.
  • Sounds like a challenge to me!
  • Hang on, I'm going to call my boyfriend so you can tell him that. He won't believe me.
  • Well I was planning on tricking somebody into marrying me by getting pregnant anyway so this really works out.
While I was trying to think of stranger things to say another thought occurred to me: I don't know about you, but "sexy" is not at the top of the list of ways I'd describe myself when I have a sinus infection. I can't imagine a lot of guys wanting to get with this when I can't breathe or stop blowing my nose. I suppose some people get some action when they're sick, otherwise they wouldn't have the warning.

Monday, September 3, 2012

Idea, Copyright Me

The other day I found myself thinking about my plan in case I ever open a nail salon (you know, like everyone does). I decided that I would offer a really nice deal to women who were all kinds of pregnant. If you bring in your ultrasound picture and you're 6+ months pregnant, you can get a basic pedicure for like $5.

I figure at that point, a lot of women can't reach their feet plus they're all swollen and junk. So they don't have to spend lots of money on toe maintenance (plus they don't have to walk around with a pedicure their husbands attempted). And the business major in me should also point out that I could potentially create a lifelong customer based on this generosity. That's money in the bank, people.

The odds of me opening a nail salon are not that good, but I'm claiming ownership of this idea right now. So if you ever see a nail salon offering this promotion, you do me a solid, go in there, and say, "Hey! Erin Black deserves a check!" You might have to show them this post as proof.

Legitimately Pissed

I'm a little late on posting this, but it still irritates me to think about. Back in mid-August, Republican Senate candidate Todd Akin "justified" his pro-life stance with the most absurd claim ever uttered in history. His philosophy is that women who have been legitimately raped rarely get pregnant because the female body can basically shut it down and prevent pregnancy all by itself. But don't take my word for it, read all his BS in The New York Times.

He claims to have heard this medical secret from doctors. I need to meet these doctors. I'm having such a hard time finding a doctor who understands the mystery that is my body. I need someone who can prescribe leeches for when I get The Vapors.

Let's talk semantics. Legitimate rape implies that there is such a thing as illegitimate rape. I assume that's for all those "no means yes" hussies who were asking for it. I am offended by this not only as a woman but as someone who has been attacked. It's been six years since that night in Portugal when I was drugged and attacked in a bar and I still think about it almost every day. I was lucky. I was able to get away before the worst of it happened. But what if I hadn't been so lucky? What if I'd gotten pregnant? Being told by some douchey guy that I hadn't been legitimately raped would be like getting raped all over again.

I'm also offended as an American who cares about politics. There are legitimate issues that need to be addressed in this country; poverty, capital punishment, sex trafficking, child abuse, the list goes on and on. But what do these a-holes choose to waste time focusing on? They filibuster about legitimate rape, gay marriage, tea parties, birth certificates, and religion. It's disgusting

 

Friday, August 31, 2012

Mental Non Sequiturs

When I think of my brain, I imagine a vast highway of the future where all the cars are zooming by one another in the air. And I'm standing at the main intersection as all the thoughts race by me. That's the only way I can explain my random train of thought. And now, allow me to present a series of these mental non sequiturs.

  • I wonder how often the average person thinks about sour gummi worms? I bet it's not as often as me. Sometimes when I'm sitting at work, typing away...I find myself thinking, "Man I could go for some sour gummi worms right now."
  • Has anyone ever successfully trained a dog to use a toilet? I don't mind if they can't flush, I'll take care of that. It sure would be handy if they could go to the bathroom like people.
  • If I ever procreate, I'm going to do my best to have the baby on Labor Day. I just enjoy how literal it would be. Plus I think it would be a humorous (albeit corny) anecdote for later on in that baby's life.
  • If you're a vampire, do you think it would be important to eat healthy? Like, don't drink the blood of obese people because they're higher in cholesterol and sugar?
  • When will it become socially acceptable to mess with people who talk too loudly on their cell phones in public? If you're near me, yelling into your cell phone I think I have every right to respond to everything you say in an annoying fashion.
  • How is there not a successful weight loss pill yet? It's 2012. We've been to space and we've got crazy technology like iPads and ShamWows. You'd think by now we'd have a working pill for weight loss. I'd even be willing to give something up in return. For example, this pill will make you lose weight but you can never use escalators again. Or you can never drive a car over 70 miles per hour. I'd happily do it.
  • Hmm...here's the thing about having a baby on Labor Day: I run the risk of the hospital being full of people who've had drunken boating accidents.
  • A non sequitur has to be my all-time favorite sequitur.
  • People frequently reference Romeo & Juliet when they talk about true love. They're looking for their Romeo or their Juliet...maybe those people didn't read all of that story, because it ends in a double suicide. And it all happens within the span of a few days. They meet, hang out just a tiny bit, and fall in love. They piss everybody off, get married, have sex once (maybe twice?) and then they die. That is so not what I'm looking for.
 

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Online Dating

As I have previously mentioned, I've been giving the whole online dating thing a whirl and it's been quite an experience. For the most part, I have not been a fan of the whole thing. All of the guys who have contacted me have been far from my type. Some of them seem to be perfectly nice guys, just not what I'm looking for. On the other hand a large number of them have been disturbing.

I initially joined Match and was getting the craziest responses (for the most part). After about 2 months, my friend mentioned having success on Christian Mingle. I poked around on Christian Mingle, just to see how the sites compared. I got a few messages on CM and my curiosity took hold of me. I got a small membership just so I could read the emails. At the end of the day, the sites are the same. But the point is, I'm on two dating sites and I'm seeing no results on either one.

Now, some people are telling me to start giving them chances. I can see how you'd think that I'm being too picky or judgmental but I've "said yes" to a number of profiles that have been sent my way. The problem is, none of those guys have felt the same way.

I promise I'm not holding out for a hero (lol, how often do you get a chance to reference that 80s classic?). I'm not going to say yes to someone just because they message me (or wink or smile or whatever the lingo on the site is). I don't want to lead someone on in the name of getting more dating experience.

I'm waiting for these memberships to expire (still checking the sites regularly) and then I'm hanging up my online dating career. It works for some people, I just don't think I'm one of them. Now, I have no idea what (if anything) will work for me but I'm so over trying this option. I'm ready for the Internet to go back to its intended purpose: funny pictures of cats.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

It's Elementary

Today was my first day as an elementary school teacher. It was certainly different than high school! Not bad different, or good different...just different. I felt so unprepared. It was as though I was staring at these tiny faces with no idea what to say. What do children like? What do they say? Do they understand me? I don't think I have any answers to those questions.

I was missing my high school students and my Lafayette colleagues for sure! I've never started a school year with anyone else, so that was just one more new experience to add to the pile. And did I mention that my alarm didn't go off? I had it set for 5:45 am and at 6:07 I woke up to discover it had not gone off. I'm quite proud to report that I completed my entire morning ritual in 13 minutes. Well, I didn't shave my legs or straighten my hair...but that's still pretty freaking good.

One thing I'm definitely going to miss is the ability to use sarcasm. Sarcasm, as you know, is my bread and butter. I thrive on wit, cynicism, and all other things that are not appreciated by the 12 and under demographic.

Once I get a hang of it, I'm sure it will be easier! I'm also certain there are going to be plenty of things I will love about my new job (as well as some aspects I won't love, but that's standard with any job).

Another thing that will come from getting a better hang of teaching Spanish to elementary schoolers is that I'll be able to devote more brain power to the others areas of my life that I currently deem sub-par. Don't get me wrong, thanks to OCD I'm focusing in every deficiancy as much as I possibly can...but it just doesn't feel like enough. My ultimate goal is to be able to control all aspects of my life via hyper-vigilance and intense anxiety, but that might be a lofty (or "crazy") goal.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

I'll have the grilled chicken, hold the hate

I really don't want to get all wrapped up in this whole Chick-Fil-A drama, but I have to say something. The business major in me has no idea why the President of Chick-Fil-A made a public statement against same-sex marriage. You seem to be alienating a large market there and losing a lot of profit, but whatever. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion regarding gay marriage, but what upsets me is seeing how much hate there is in the world.

If you don't like gay marriage, then don't get one. I don't have a problem with same sex marriage because I detest the idea of someone not seeing their loved one who is dying in the hospital or being denied their survivor benefits because the government doesn't acknowledge their love.

There are so many more important things we could be focusing on. People around the world are starving, dying of cancer and AIDS. Thousands of children are falling prey to human trafficking. And what are we wasting our time with? The fact that sometimes men love men and women love women. Personally, that makes me feel like a giant d-bag. I think about my trip to Honduras, and the people I saw down there. I can't imagine telling them that I didn't have time to come down on another mission trip because I needed to stand outside a courthouse holding a sign about how much God hates gay people.

I saw a great status on Facebook earlier today. It said somthing like, "What if we cared about the homosexual community as much as we cared about our 'rights' and our chicken?" I really appreciated that status. Just stop the hate. That's not what Christianity is about and I'm sick and tired of being lumped in with a group of people who spew so much intolerance so often. And then I read this status that a friend shared. I do not know the person who wrote this orignally.

A (long and rambling) thought on Chick fil A day:

On Chick fil A Appreciation Day, or whatever we’re calling it, I have to ask myself where Jesus would be amongst all of this. While I would never presume to know anything for a fact, I have a suspicion that He wouldn’t be in the drive-thru line ordering a #1. Nor do I think He and the angels are rejoicing in heaven every time someone buys waffle fries to keep gay people from getting married. I think (again – personal opinion) He might be more concerned with us using the $5, $10, $15 we were going to spend on chicken to feed the 925 million people that go to bed hungry every single night.

Christians think that going to Chick fil A today is proving some sort of point. Honestly, the only point you’re proving is that the Church has created for itself a terrible public image – an image that presents Christians as more passionate about fueling oppression than fighting it. And while I agree that the Church should look different than the world, I think it’s an absolute travesty that this image prevents people, myself included, from wanting to walk through a church’s door every Sunday.

I wonder what it would look like if the Church (and people in general) got as frenzied about ending poverty as they are about Chick-fil-A’s stance on gay marriage. I wonder what the world would look today if people took that money they were going to spend on chicken and donated it to an organization that’s fighting to end hunger, homelessness and preventable suffering – the things that TRULY broke the heart of Christ.

So if you absolutely have to go to Chick fil A today – fine, so be it. But, at the very least, consider buying an extra sandwich for someone who wouldn’t have a meal today. Otherwise this “point” or “opinion” you’re supporting is completely devoid of love and, therefore, completely devoid of Christ.
The last thing I shall leave you with something that I never get tired of watching, Proposition 8: The Musical.