Monday, September 28, 2009

F'd Up: The Epilogue

There was so much to go over in the last post, I realize that I left a few things out. I forgot to mention, I had approximately 1 class with this girl in high school. We were acquaintances, not close friends. We never had each others' phone numbers, we didn't hang out. I told my friend Jess about this and she said, "Um no. Apparently you two have been friends since high school. How dare you unfriend her." I guess I've got some balls to do this.

If you're thinking to yourself, "I don't know what to say about this," then you are not alone. That has been the response of every person who has read this. If you're thinking, "this is the funniest thing I have read in a long time," you're also not alone (but read my blog more often, it's always hilarious).

Redefining F'd Up

Get ready, because I've got quite a tale to tell today! I have a variety of little rituals I do before I go to bed to help me unwind. My iPhone has really expanded the number of rituals I can choose from. For awhile, it was iPhone skeeball. Lately, it's been a review of the following website applications: Texts From Last Night, Texting While Intoxicated, and F My Life. It's a solid guarantee for before bed chuckles. So last night, I was checking all my sites and for whatever reason, I decided to check Twitter and Facebook before I went to bed. Nothing new on Twitter, but my Facebook notifications informed me that a girl I know from high school had commented on 3 pictures. My investigation of said comments is where our story begins.

It was 3 separate comments all made on 1 photo from my friend's wedding. The comments were not nice, at all. They had been up for about 45 minutes, and all I could hope was that my friend hadn't seen them. I quickly grabbed my computer and deleted the comments. To avoid any future problems, I decided to just remove this girl from my friends list. I was never close friends with this girl, and I haven't seen her or spoken to her since I graduated high school (going on 7 years ago)...I figured it would be a non-issue. I was wrong. Within minutes of my actions I had a message from her calling me immature. I'll now share with you the actual correspondence I had with this girl. I've blacked out all names involved in this story (man, I'm nice). Sorry if the images don't exactly line up...I tried my best. **Back in Black Note: In an attempt to make my blog more anonymous, I've also blocked out my name and picture using red.**

Tell me that's not one of the most crazy and nonsensical things you've seen in awhile. It was hard for me to get into the mindset of this argument because I haven't been a 12 year old girl for a long time...I don't recall how to fight like one. First of all, don't get me started on the grammar...or the inaccuracies and flip-flopping she does in her story. I won't lie to you, as I was reading some of these I felt a lot like David After the Dentist and had to ask aloud, "is this real life?" Sadly, yes. This is real life. Once I determined that it was real life, I couldn't wait to blog about it! Would you agree that this story brings "fucked up" to a whole new level?

Facebook doesn't provide you with a notification when someone defriends you so she had to be monitoring my activities pretty closely to notice right away. I think the main lesson I took away from this situation was that my Facebook friendship is more highly sought after than I could have ever imagined. All this started because I removed someone from my friends list. Can you say that's ever happened to you after a defriending? I kinda felt like Monica in "The One Where Heckles Dies," Mr. Heckles dies and leaves everything to the "noisy girls" who live about him. Monica says, "I can't believe that this whole time we thought he hated us. I mean, isn't it amazing how much you can touch someone's life, and not even know it?"

My friend did see the comments, but she didn't let them bother her. I forwarded her the crazy message and she was happy to see that I defended her. "I also have never been so proud to call you my friend. Well with the exception of punching the street preacher."

So I was wondering what my Facebook karmic retribution would be, until I went to brush my teeth. I discovered a small cut on my tongue that was bleeding. I immediately texted Amy Jo.
  • Me: My tongue is bleeding a little and I don't recall biting it. Ahhhh, the karma!!!
  • Amy Jo: The blood escalates her comment about karma to an actual THREAT. I'm pretty sure FB frowns on that.
  • Me: Yes! They do! I'm filing a report! She cut me with witchcraft.
But we can all agree that karma is a chameleon, it come and go; it come and go; a whoa whoa.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Just Because You Can Talk, Doesn't Mean You Should

The other day, I was on the phone with Amy Jo while I was on my way home from the doctor. I was about to hangup when I noticed a pickup truck next to me with a gigantic wooden sign bolted to the truck bed. One side was talking about how Obama is a communist and I was cracking up.
  • Did I slow down so I could read everything this sign had to say and attempt to take pictures? Hell yes.
  • Did I then alter my route home so that I could continue to follow this truck, read the other side of the board and attempt to take more pictures? Hell yes.
  • Did I care if Crazy McJackass saw me doing this? Hell no.
I was able to get 2 pictures. In the first one, you can see that the sign is red (ya know, for the Commies) and that clearly, this man has safety as his number one priority (I mean, talk about a blind spot)! In the second picture, you can't see what the other side of the sign says...but it's an upside down flag and I've already forgotten what all it said, but you can bet your ass it was stupid, unfounded and made no sense.

Amy Jo and I have watched this video twice. Twice. It's the New Left Media coverage of the September 12th "DC Tea Party". Basically, it's proving that the majority of the people boycotting the Obama administration right now have no idea what they're talking about; they're just following all the jackass pundits like Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, etc.

It saddens me to watch something beyond retarded and know that these people are not receiving the special education they so desperately need.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

When Did I Last Write a "Pissed Off" Blog?

There are a couple of quick things that are driving me crazy right now, and I just have to get them off my chest. If you've seen me (or a picture of me), you know that there's already quite a bit on my chest and my back can't handle carrying much more on it.

First of all, Kanye West. I don't want to go on a whole tirade, because everyone is talking this story to death. As a [former] Kanye fan, I always tried to defend him because I enjoyed his rap stylings...well, at least his first two albums. I think those were before he went completely psycho. Combine the recent shitiness of his music with what he did to Taylor Swift (whom I adore) and it's safe to say that I will no longer be putting up with his shenanigans. That link has nothing to do with the shenanigans of Kanye (as one might think); it is simply a link to the definition of a shenanigan. That is my example of an acceptable shenanigan.
Mac: But our shenanigans are cheeky and fun!
Thorny: Yeah, and his shenanigans are cruel and tragic.
Foster: Which...makes them not really shenanigans at all.
Mac: Evil shenanigans!
O'Hagan: I swear to God I'm going to pistol-whip the next person who says "shenanigans".
Mac: Hey Farva, what's the name of that place you like with all the goofy
shit on the walls and the mozerella sticks?
Farva: Oh, Shenanigans?
I removed Kanye as a music interest on Facebook (and you know nothing is official until it's on Facebook). It's simply gotten to hard to defend him.
I was over at my friends' apartment (APT. 8: "The Ocho") last night and they introduced me to a delightful little article about Kanye. It's by Daniel O'Brien and it's called What if Kanye West is Retarded? Not only is it hilarious, but he makes a pretty strong argument. Kanye might need to get tested.

The other thing that's been pissing me off actually started out as multiple different sources of discontent. At one point in the not so distant past, I was getting quite angry with the number of people getting engaged. Ultimately, I accepted the fact that
everyone I know is getting married (and that's fine). Then my issue was with constantly having to hear about nothing other than weddings. OK, that's still a little bit of an issue...but I usually just start running a TV show in my head, walk away, etc. No, my issue now is the misuse of the word fiancé. Every single time I check my Facebook newsfeed, there it is; people using the word incorrectly. You see, there are 2 versions of the word: fiancé and fiancée. While they are pronounced the same, they do not carry the same meaning. If you don't believe me, click here. Fiancé is a man and fiancée is a woman--and that if the end of the fiancé/fiancée debacle. If you are currently using this word incorrectly, you have three options:
  1. Start using the appropriate versions of the word.
  2. Stop using the word.
  3. And if you refuse to comply with options 1 or 2, then don't get married. Marriage is a tricky business and you can't seem to handle simple grammar.
Am I being harsh? Yes. But I am a Grammar Nazi, and I've been silent for far too long. It's time the world became aware of this crime against language. Don't worry, if you are guilty of fiancé misuse, I [probably] still like you. I suppose there is a chance that you are not only aware of your poor grammar but you are also aware that said poor grammar irks me beyond belief. And if that is the case...well, touché.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Brains! Brains! Welcome to My Delicious Brain!

Not too long into the Swine Flu, I decided it might amuse me to keep a little log of interesting, humorous or weird thoughts I had and post an entry of those thoughts in the order that they occurred.

September 9th
  • 3:00 P.M. I really like Laurel's idea of adding a "Sorry about your public flumiliation" section to Hallmark. We should do that. She makes an excellent Watson to my Sherlock Holmes with a better rack.
  • 6:20 P.M. When Pierce Brosnan auditioned for Mamma Mia!, did they really not see a problem with his voice?
  • 9:00 P.M. Who the fuck is Joe Wilson and are people glad they voted for him?
September 10th
  • 11:50 P.M. I think Jesse Spencer (Dr. Chase from House) plays the musician in Uptown Girls! I should watch it to confirm.
  • 11:51 P.M. I bet when normal people are jolted awake by an epiphany, it's of something useful and not the realization of a six-degrees-of-Kevin-Bacon type game.
  • 11:52 P.M. Where did I put that paper where I wrote down my successful round of that game where I connected Britney Spears to Kevin Bacon in 6 steps? That's one of my proudest accomplishments...I need to find that or do it again.
September 11th
  • 11:30 A.M. Why does daytime Robitussin taste exponentially worse than nighttime Robitussin? The thing that helps me sleep must be delicious.
  • 11:40 A.M. The hairstyle that looks best with a surgical mask--pigtails. Coincidence? I think not! I declare pigtails to be the official hairstyle of the swine flu.
  • 1:15 P.M. Uptown Girls has a pig in it! I've unknowingly continued my pig marathon.
  • 3:25 P.M. Everytime Cosmo is in my mailbox, I have an excitement that can only be compared to that of Billy Madison on Nudey Magazine Day.
  • 7:00 P.M. It's interesting that in TV and movies, all psychiatrists' have phrenology skulls in their offices, despite the fact that phrenology was dismissed as a science before the turn of the 20th century. Maybe it's for a kitsch factor...I want a phrenology skull.
Mr. Smithers: Sir, phrenology was dismissed as quackery 160 years ago.
Mr. Burns: You would say that! You have the brain pan of a stage coach tilter!
  • 9:30 P.M. I think the world just hates me this week; on top of having the swine flu, I got the bejesus smacked out of me by my car door after Amy Jo and I got blizzards and now I banged my shin on the ottoman. Seriously?!
  • 10:28 P.M. is one of my new favorite sites! Check this lady out...I would so karate chop her finger nails if I saw her! That shit is gross! And I bet they smell. I wonder if people call her Wolverine?
  • 11:50 P.M. When you think about it, bacon is the symbol of wealth. People talk about "bringing home the bacon," and I'd love to know where that expression came from. Also, anytime you want to add bacon to something, it costs extra.
September 12th
  • 9:30 A.M. Hey, this is the lowest my temperature has been throughout this swine flu...96.6
  • 10:22 A.M. I should spiff my blog up with some more gadgets...I can connect it to my twitter and give people the ability to share my posts via Twitter and Facebook. I think the "Swine Flu Prevention Tips" gadget is a day late and a dollar short.
  • 11:10 A.M. Why does it hurt when I shave my leg? Oh right...I smacked my shin on the damn ottoman.
  • 12:07 P.M. I'm so bored I could cry.
  • 1:17 P.M. Watching a program on gigantism...Amy Jo is claiming to be a giant to which I reply, "Yes, one of those rare short giants."
  • 5:42 P.M. I think they call it swine flu because your stomach is fine. You don't throw up and lose weight like the other stay a pig. Leave it to me to catch the non-weight loss flu.
  • 5:44 P.M. Love Actually is such a great movie. Sometimes I think about not being friends with people who don't like it.
  • 9:30 P.M. It's always nice to discover that the doctor didn't give you the standard issue medicine you should've gotten for the swine flu. Why did I believe her when she said to just take OTC products? There's no point in me taking the perscription pills now.
September 13th
  • 12:00 P.M. It might be nice to have a celebratory pig roast after this whole ordeal is over.
  • 1:45 P.M. I sure have watched a lot of things about sharks lately.
  • 2:53 P.M. I want to hang out with Flo, the Progressive Insurance lady. She seems cool. And if the Geico gekko can come too, well that's all the better!

Oink! Oink! Oink! Erin's Curly Tail of Swine Flu

I've been fever-free all day and am hoping to return to school on Tuesday (can't be too safe)! Since I got the swine flu, everyone has been asking two things:
  1. Am I going to blog about it?
  2. Will they get to see pictures of me in my surgical mask?
What kind of blogger would I be if I didn't take you through the swine flu journey? And what type of journey has no pictures? Without further adieu, I give you the [curly] tail of swine flu. *Note, I just made that "tail" pun up and I'm pretty impressed with myself.*

I wasn't surprised when after only a week of student teaching I was starting to feel sick. I'd heard countless times that your first year of teaching would include a lot of illnesses while your body builds up an immunity to germ-filled students (no offense). I had a nasty cold and it took me a good week to get over it, but I was on the mend. By the end of Labor Day weekend, I was back to not feeling so hot. On Tuesday (Sept. 8), my voice had a quality that few achieve without a life full of chain-smoking menthol cigarettes in between shots of Jack Daniels. I woke up at 4 A.M. on Wednesday to discover that not only was I sick to my stomach, I was shivering. But as I had learned (and sang) in Moulin Rouge, the show must go on. I hope you enjoy the chart I found displaying the swine flu was a picture of the generic medical chart guy, but I doctored it up with some blonde pigtails (official hairstyle of the swine flu) and blue eyes so it would look more like me.

I was all set to go to school when Amy Jo had me take my temperature and discover that it was a bit low (which is not unusual for me...I may be a reptile). Combine that with my shivering and she ordered me back to bed. I went to the doctor and got the flu test (the previously mentioned plastic stick up my nose--the man in the picture doesn't like it either). Dum, dum, dum! Flu A, H1N1 strikes again! Enter: Super sexy surgical mask.

Oddly enough, when the Physician's Assistant was giving me the mask and explaining why I had to wear it in public (which I totally get) she had this odd ability to make me feel guilty. She's telling me that this virus could be fatal to anyone with a compromised immune system (chemo patients, AIDS/HIV, etc.) and I totally understand that! It wasn't like I was not going to wear the mask; I put it on right away. But she went on, "If there's anyone out in the waiting room who's going through chemo for breast cancer or something, they could've already caught this." Like I knowingly strolled into the waiting room to cough on people. Do I have a look about me that says, "I like to spread disease"?

Did she think I'd been living under some rock for the past year and am completely oblivious to the swine flu? If she didn't fully drive this point home I was going to leave her office, go next door to the hospital, cough on the babies in the maternity ward and maybe lick all the spoons in the cafeteria...lucky for her, she got her point across. I told them on the phone that I thought I might have the flu, so they knew full well what they were dealing with. Maybe they should have surgical masks at the door and everyone should wear them. That's not a bad idea.

When you walk out of the doctor's office with a surgical mask on, in the middle of an illness (that many are seeing as a potential pandemic), there are several ways to handle the situation. I chose the walk-super-fast-make-zero-eye-contact-and-immediately-start-talking-on-my-phone approach; but you do whatever works for you. I have not left the house since Wednesday, except for Friday night in which I rode through the Dairy Queen drive-thru with Amy Jo for some blizzards. I don't care to be seen walking about in my mask (attractive as it is).

The picture to the left is me in my mask(s). The mask on the left is the one they gave me at the doctor's office. It wasn't as sturdy as the other, but the loops went around my ears and didn't mess up my hair (very crucial). The mask on the right is one that Amy Jo bought me. Fun fact about Mask #2, it's recommended by the CDC to help prevent spreading the flu. But it has rubberbands and the potential to mess up your hair--unless you discover (as I did) that pigtails are the perfect hairstyle for mask wearing.

One of the main things the swine flu has taught me is to not be a whore. I imagine you're confused by this. First of all, it's not like I was toying with the concept of becoming a whore before I got the swine flu and the illness showed me the light. But calling and texting my friends to let them know to spritz their shit in lysol, go to the doctor if they feel bad and apologize for potentially making them sick was not fun. It was embarassing. I can't imagine having to do that on a regular basis about much more serious issues such as a burning sensation when you pee. And these calls were to my friends--I don't think I'd like making them to guys saved in my phone under monikers such as "Beer Goggles Brad," "That Bro From Two Keys," and "Steve??".

That's all for this swine flu post, my next post is a fun look at my thoughts while cooped (or penned) up.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Swine Flu Side Effect: More Blog Postings

I know what I forgot to mention in my last post! I've been sick recently, and after a visit to the doctor today, I learned a number of interesting facts:
  • The flu test involves a plastic stick being shoved up your nose.
  • The flu test takes approximately 15 minutes to develop.
  • Sometimes, flu tests will say, "You have Flu A."
  • Flu A is technically classified as H1N1.
  • H1N1 has a little nickname: The Swine Flu.
  • You don't know awkward until you've walked through the crowded waiting room at your doctor's office wearing a surgical mask.
  • Calling up your friends to let them know that you have the swine flu and that they shouldn't hesitate to get tested if they start feeling poorly is probably not all that different than calling up your one night stand to let them know that they should probably get tested for the clap.
What a learning experience! Apparently, this could take up to a week for me to get over. What's this mean for you, dear readers? Well, you can look forward to a surge in posts while I recover. The first post will be a more in-depth look at my experience with the swine flu (and yes, pictures of me in my mask). I also plan on watching some movies with pigs in them (Babe, The Simpsons Movie, etc.).

Is That You, Batman?

So much has happened since my last post. I had my first supervised visit/evaluation of my student teaching last Friday, and it went quite well! I was so happy and relieved...because I was nervous all day! After school that day, I went up to Bloomington, Indiana to spend Labor Day weekend at my Dad's house. It was a pretty typical weekend...well, typical for our family.

Dad recently sold his house in Kentucky so he was finally able to tell us that the original owner of the house (not the person he bought it from, the owner before that) had shot himself in the master bedroom. I have now determined that his ghost is responsible for every noise I heard in that house that scared the bejesus out of me. Other things I learned on Friday night included Dad buying a new car and a golf cart. The golf cart makes getting to our boat a lot easier...could that sound more stuck up? Probably me, we're far from snotty. It's a pontoon boat, not a yacht; so we can't be that bad.

On Saturday, we went out on the lake for a bit and I managed to get minimal amounts of sunburn. Sure I was only in the direct sun for 20 minutes and I had tons of high SPF on, but I usually fry no matter what I do. So, you can understand my excitement. After dinner we decided to take a little walk up the driveway (it's a really long driveway, so it's a decent little stroll). On our walk, I learned what walnuts look like. I thought I knew what a walnut was, but apparently it has a green shell around its regular shell. It was a bit awkward when I told Will (my little brother) that I thought those were apples.

Will starts collecting walnuts (not apples) to juggle, because his talents are endless. After he juggles for awhile, he starts throwing them up in the air. "If you throw them up in the air, bats will dive at them," he said, "but you have to throw it pretty close to them." Not a single bat fell for it. I told Will that maybe the bats were too smart or that they were on to him. He replied, "Well, I have done this every weekend I've been here."

We all went inside and watched a [horrible] movie. By about midnight, we all decided to call it a night. Will climbed the ladder into the loft and the rest of us went to our rooms. I had just laid down when I heard will yell, "AHH!!" I jumped up and could already hear Dad running down the hall. "What is it?" Dad yelled. My hand was on the door handle when I heard Will's reply: A BAT!

Immediately, I recalled the season 3 episode of The Office titled "Business School." A bat gets into the office and Dwight traps the bat in a bag on Meredith's head. Needless to say, I thought twice about opening the door. I opened it enough to poke my head out and confirm that there was, in fact, a good size brown bat flying around the rafters of our house. And then I closed the door.

Dad trapped the bat in what I call the sunroom. It's sort of like a porch, but it's completely enclosed. You could see the bat flying around in there! We came to the same decision most families do: let's deal with the bat in the morning. Will debated sleeping on the floor in my room rather than staying in the loft, and Dad suggested he sleep on the couch. "Hell no!" Will said, "that's closer to that bat!"

Here's the really weird thing: we never found the bat. We assume he got out somehow, unless he turns up dead in the next few days. He left as mysteriously as he came...just like the real Batman. Some of you may appreciate the irony of the situation if you remember that my brother used to dress up as Batman for a solid two years of his life. The additional irony is that during one of my performances at the Buckley Wildlife Sanctuary, I portrayed a brown bat. I have a video of me performing the brown bat monologue and song I wrote for public access. But that's another story.