Thursday, July 30, 2009

Sarah Palin is like a Horror Film Villain

Sometimes I wrestle with whether or not I should pursue this career in teaching or just devote my life to pointing out how stupid Sarah Palin is. Both careers would be demanding and busy...but teachers get summers off, and stupid never takes a vacation. And I likes my vacations, so I guess I'll have to moonlight as a Palin critic. I can live with that.

Remember before I knew Sarah Palin existed? It was a simpler time, that I look back upon with fond memories. Back in Black devotees will recall my feelings about Sarah Palin and one of my hopes after Obama's election was that Sarah Palin "go back to whatever igloo she crawled out from under and that I never have to hear from her again." (Read it all here). And for awhile, it seemed as though I was going to get my wish. All was relatively quiet on the Alaskan front. But all good things must come to an end. (Cue "You Can't Always Get What You Want" by the Rolling Stones).

I received some relief in that most of the Sarah Palin coverage is focusing on how mind-blowingly stupid she is. For example, Stephen Colbert's goodbye to Palin was fantastic! (I tried to put the video directly into the blog but sadly it wouldn't work. Believe me, the link is worth clicking!).

It was after I saw Palin's farewell speech that I realized I need to attend her school for public speaking. You see, at the Sarah Palin Center for Joe and Jane Six Packs Who Wanna Learn How to Speak Good and Do Other Stuff Good Too, we don't get all caught up with issues such as "not sounding like an idiot" and "making sense." We focus on the important aspects of public speaking--mainly, listing all the words you know. A sampling of required courses at the Center include:
  • Mentioning the Troops 101: Discover how to work the troops into your everyday conversation. If anyone hates your speeches, they obviously hate the troops.
  • Folksy Nonsense 300: *Please note that this is an upper level course that should not be attempted by beginners* Come hear guest lecturers such as Ross Perot and "Dr." Phil demonstrate how to dumbfound everyone with nonsensical, meaningless homespun phrases.
Or how about William Shatner reading Palin's tweets as poetry on the Tonight Show? I briefly toyed with the idea of following her on Twitter just so I could witness the stupidity.

They're funny because they're true. The disappointing part is that she still has a following of people who believe she has the mental capacity to run this country. Does anyone else feel more confident in her leadership now that she has one incomplete term (filled with controversy and investigations of power abuse) as governor of the 47th most populated state in the country? I know I do.

I've determined that much like a villain in a horror movie, Sarah Palin is never really gone. She's there, lurking, waiting for you to feel safe and comfortable. That's when she swoops in an sets women's rights back 50 years and demands nothing but abstinence only education.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

EDU 542, The Class that God Forgot

I'm in the final stretch of my graduate school experience, with classes ending on Thursday and then only student teaching (and taking the Praxis...which I should sign up for) standing between me and that Master's Degree. Has it been hard to get this far? Hell yes. Have these last few days been the hardest of all? Hell yes.

Why? Oh, I'll tell you why. Because of a pain in my ass known as "EDU 542: Classroom Applications of Technology" aka The Class that God Forgot. Every time I've turned around, I've stumbled across more things I have to do for this class. It's been one non-stop, seemingly endless shit-storm brought into my home via laptop.

Every class requires some discussion board posting, which is fairly standard for an online class and I'm not [necessarily] complaining about that. But in this class you'd have to make your initial post, then respond to your classmates' posts for a minimum of three additional days, not to mention all sorts of other stuff.

I think at this point I should make it clear that I don't particularly want to hate on the professor of the class, because he seems like a nice how do I know he doesn't read my blog, too? If that is the case: No hard feelings, dude. Or maybe don't read this entry. Or at the very least, don't underestimate how much I hated class.

*Before I continue bitching about this class (and I will) I should say that thanks to our lesson on blogging I gained some more followers by creating a nearly identical version of this blog for class and posting a link to the real deal for any interested classmates. And if any of you classmates are reading, when you get to my course evaluation you're going to see me mention something about not always being interested in reading every single thing people in the class posted--lemme tell you why you shouldn't get mad:
1) You know you weren't always interested in everyone's posts either (including mine)
B) I'm probably not even talking about you...I'm probably talking about some lame person in class who doesn't read my blog.
Thirdly) Can't we just blame the real culprit: The class?
One of the things we had to do was write a 3-5 page paper about our end of the course reflection. If I know me like I think I know me, there's no way I have that many reflections on a course (I mean, assuming the paper should not contain profanity...and although the assignment said that the content of the paper would not be judged, I'm still betting cursing is frowned upon). Cursing or not, I had a suspicion that my readers would be interested in seeing this reflection.

I think the best term to sum up my experience in this course would be bittersweet. First of all, I should mention that I don't think I have 3 pages of reflective thoughts about any class I've ever this should be interesting. While I have learned a number of things from this course, it has required more work than every other class I've taken during graduate school. I'm a very hard-working person and am by no means a procrastinator--but even I have my limits. I'm thankful for the fact that I don't have much of a life because this class required so much time and energy. My hat goes off to my fellow classmates who managed to balance this class and a full-time job and/or raising a family. They are the real heroes.

Each assignment had a multitude of components to begin with, and then there were all these required additional posting days. I found it extremely confusing--I had to create my own chart with all the components of each assignment to ensure that I completed everything. And module 6 was a class in and of itself! All of this work in addition to writing 2 papers seemed obscene...especially when you realize this class is only worth 2 credit hours. And after I'd miraculously finished the assignments, I had to make an additional post indicating that they had been submitted. I found that repetitive (and redundant). I was under the impression that submitting the assignment was the indication that I had submitted the assignment. And then I had to do a self-evaluation, which I always hate. I always feel that I deserve the full amount of points--who doesn't feel that way? But then I feel guilty about saying I deserve an A because I'm sure that everyone says they deserve an A. And then I find myself thinking that I shouldn't feel guilty because I really do deserve that A because I'm awesome. As you can see, it's a vicious cycle.

And the postings--my God the postings! I'd be lying if I said I was particularly interested in reading the thoughts and opinions of every other person in this class. Some of them were interesting and worthwhile, but there were others that didn't spur any reaction from me. Unfortunately, I had to post something. Sometimes I would just make up a comment; I hated the fact that my name was attached to some of my comments because I didn't mean them. Most days, I would think of several comments in one day and then spread out my entries over a number of days. The downside to this style is that other people might post what I wanted to say before I did.

[The next three paragraphs were eliminated because they're about specific course topics and you might be confused. Besides, they don't include any hilarious bitching so let's just skip to the closing paragraph].

Ultimately, it doesn't matter how I feel about this course now because it's over and I've already done all the work. Any changes made to the course aren't going to benefit me, so it seems pointless to look back and analyze every aspect of it. Besides, the course is a requirement so it's not like I could opt out of it if I had wanted. Just as I suspected, my reflection isn't 3 pages, but it's only worth 5 points. and I don't have any more thoughts on the subject. And, to be honest, I still have to complete module 6.

I would also like to mention that in Maggie's reflection she referred to the amount of work we were assigned as a violation of the 8th Ammendment, specifically cruel and unusual punishment.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Pitied by Facebook

For quite some time now, Facebook has been under the impression that my sole purpose in life is to meet single Christians. I typically shrug off the ads on the side of the page, but these stuck out. Here's what we're looking at:
  • Single Christian Men
  • Free Online Dating
  • Stinks2bme
Facebook has started to pity me. You're alone and depressed, hope these links help. Wow...thank you, Facebook. Am I the only one being pitied by social networking sites?

Let's try to end on a note that's not me being pitied by Facebook. I was at the liquor store the other day and the guy in front of me was buying what was labeled as "traveling flasks". I'm confused. Aren't all flasks "travel flasks"? I thought that was kinda the point.
My favorite gift I've ever received is a flask. I think giving someone a flask is a nice way of saying, "Hey, you seem like a drunk on the go. You strike me as needing hard liquor at all times. This would be good for you in your car." ~Jim Gaffigan

Future Spanish Wizard

I went to see Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince the other day, which was really good by the way (sorry, Maggie). And while I was sitting there I had a revelation: do you know the one thing missing at Hogwarts? A foreign language department. Actually, I had two revelations, the other one being that I think I'd play Quidditch if it was a real sport. But anyway, why is no one at that school learning a foreign language? Just because you're a wizard doesn't mean you can get by on English alone. As far as I know, there's no spell that translates for you.

I've decided that once I have my Master's Degree, I should become the Spanish teacher at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I could head up the foreign language department...all we'd need to do is find someone to teach Parseltongue. I mean, wizards or not, these kids are going to be part of a global economy and therefore should learn another language. And as long as I'm at Hogwarts teaching...they should probably go ahead and teach me how to be a wizard. Let's face it, it just makes sense. Besides, if I'm going to be keeping an eye on these kids I'll need to know some tricks of my own.

I'm sure it will be tricky to get everyone at Hogwarts on board with the idea...British people aren't known for their willingness to learn languages other than English. But I'm a fairly persistent person, so I think I'll be able to persuade them.

OK, wait, I lied. I actually had three revelations about Hogwarts. Why don't any of those professors have their doctorates? Even Dumbledore doesn't have one, and he's like 150 years old. I'd think he'd at least have an honorary doctorate from somewhere. Do they even have Master's? I mean, that's a requirement for all Kentucky teachers--how is Hogwarts getting by without something like that? If I ever meet J.K. Rowling, I'm definitely going to enquire about that.

Things I've Noticed

This is another update full of random things I've seen and/or heard over the past few days that have struck me as odd. First up, we have a truck I saw while driving in Richmond. Apparently, there is a place called Uncle Charlie's and, according to their truck, they've been specializing in "Tender 'N Juicy Eatin' Meats" since 1957. What does that even mean? Tender 'N Juicy, I get...but "Eatin' Meats"? Are there non-eatin' meats out there?

I saw the next item while I was shopping at Kroger. I saw this honey with Steve Irwin's picture on it. Does this strike anyone else as distasteful? I mean, the man is dead. And it didn't happen too long ago. Does his face really need to be on products? I don't think so. Besides, Steve Irwin isn't going to influence my honey purchases. Actually, now that I think about it, there isn't anyone (dead or alive) who is going to influence my honey purchases.

While watching TV the other day, I saw the newest commercial and while it's not my favorite it's not the worst one they've done. In the beginning, I enjoyed the songs on those commercials. I'm also a pretty big fan of the guy that sings them, but that's another story. Is it just me, or have they been forcing those songs lately? You can't force those things, they just have to happen. Don't they realize it's quality over quantity? If they keep cranking out crap songs, everybody is going to hate them; and I don't want that. So if you're reading this, people, get ahold of yourselves! I don't want to have to hate you...but you're pushing me!

A good number of my friends work at Starbucks, which works out well if you enjoy free drinks (and I do). If you're looking for a new drink to try there, I recommend the Passion Tea Lemonade with raspberry (specifically a Venti with 4 pumps raspberry and 2 pumps classic)--it's delightful!
Anyway, I was visiting one of them last night and when I finally left I saw a car in the parking lot with a confusing bumper sticker. It said "Thank You President Bush" but I couldn't determine whether or not it was sarcastic. I searched for another bumper sticker that might indicate the mindset behind this one, but there was nothing! It bothered me all the way back to Richmond. If this was on my car, you'd better believe it would be sarcastic.

There's a slight downside to this post. While doing a Google Image search for the "Thank You President Bush" bumper sticker, I found it on the George W. Bush Store website. It's not sarcastic, it's serious. I'm so disappointed. Why would you put that on your car? Do you want people to know you're a moron?

Monday, July 13, 2009

Thoughts Brought On by SATC

I've been having lots of marathons lately. A few of the marathons include Will Ferrell movies, Arrested Development and 30 Rock. The other day I realized it had been forever since I watched Sex and the City. I decided that I would bring it along with me while I'm house/dog-sitting. The thing about Sex and the City is that it always gets me thinking. Usually, my thoughts are fleeting, but the post I made earlier reminded me of it. I started writing about my preference for numbers ending in 5 or 0 with the exception of 69. Needless to say, that made me think of this:

While going through season 6, Carrie makes a point in her column which is a variation of what I have been saying for quite some time. The Russian (who we hate, by the way) is reading his friends an excerpt from Carrie's column, "It is my opinion that the last time anyone enjoyed the 69 position was in 1969." I've been saying a variation of that for quite some time.

Mind you, everything I'm saying here is pure conjecture (don't worry, Amy Jo)...but here goes. Here's my problem with the idea of that position: Nobody is bringing their A-Game. Think about it: you got 2 people, both trying to do something, while something else is being done to them. It's gotta be hard to focus. Personally, in my outsider opinion, I'd rather not have my time wasted if you're just going to be distracted. Maybe I need to send out some sort of poll or survey so I can get people's honest opinions on the matter.

Random Things Cuatro

Obviously, that big scary bug has not come to get me (yet). As I'm sitting here (avoiding working on an annotated bibliography), I realized it had been quite some time since my last Random Things post! The last time you received an overload of Erin information (Erinformation?) was April 9! How have y'all managed?
Here's how dedicated I am to these factoids: I just went back and made a list of all previous random things I've listed about myself, so as not to repeat myself.
  1. I have the hardest time being serious. It doesn't seem to be in my nature. The temptation to make a joke and lighten the mood is always there. I manage to control myself, but it takes all my concentration.
  2. Sometimes, I run TV shows and movies through my head when I get bored. So if you ever see me just start laughing to myself it's probably because of whatever is playing in my head.
    Homer: Wait, I'm confused about the movie. So the cops knew that internal affairs were setting them up?
    Glen: What are you talking about? There is nothing like that in there!
    Homer: Oh, you see when I get bored I make up my own movie. I have a very short attention span...oh, look! A bird!
  3. I love to dress up in costumes. It's one of the main reasons why Halloween is my favorite holiday. Even as a child, the candy was merely an added bonus; it's always been all about the costumes.
  4. My love of costumes and parties has come together in one of my life goals: to attend a really fancy costume party at least once in my life. Well, it doesn't have to be a super fancy masquerade ball or anything. I just want to attend a costume party where everyone is balls-to-the-wall dressed up.
  5. I am a firm believer in the concept that when you look your worst, you will run into whomever you least want to run into. It's happened to me one too many times. Now I rarely leave the house unless I look presentable.
  6. I love wearing skirts and dresses. As a child I went through a phase in which I wore nothing but dresses. Naturally, once my closet was full of them I decided I only wore pants. If I'm wearing a dress or skirt, I will twirl around like I'm four years old. I don't believe that we outgrow a love of twirling.
  7. I appeared in a number of plays in high school, although I almost never wanted to be the lead. I always wanted to be the secondary female character. She was almost always ten times funnier (and more memorable) than the lead.
  8. I have a very difficult time purchasing my own groceries. I end up with a hodgepodge of snacks. It's so hard to justify getting supplies to cook for one person. I'm beginning to think that what I really like is side items.
  9. Taco Bell is (ironically) one of the only things that doesn't make me sick. I'd say about 95% of the food I eat upsets my stomach (I'm beginning to think I have gluten issues) but not Taco Bell. I'm pretty sure it's the exact opposite for the majority of the human race.
  10. When it comes to settings (for example volume control) I am much more comfortable with multiples of five. I'm just much more at ease when the volume is at 15 as opposed to 13. The only exception for this is the temperature control in my car--I'll leave it on 69 rather than 70, because 69 is funnier.
  11. I'm sure you've inferred this from the 69 comment, but often times my sense of humor is that of a 14 year old boy. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, "If it weren't for the gutter, my mind would be homeless."
  12. I always have a camera with me. Now that I have the iPhone, which has a fairly impressive camera, I'm slightly more comfortable leaving without a camera (if I have to). I never want to be caught in one of those "I wish I had a camera" moments.
  13. I'm incapable of turning my brain off. This can make sleeping quite difficult. Even when I concentrate on nothing really hard, the fact that I've almost turned my brain off is brought to my attention and I just end up getting really excited that I've almost succeeded. And then I have to start all over.
  14. I find myself unconsciously harmonizing with most songs that I sing. During my senior year of high school I was in the swing choir (which was much smaller than the main choir) and, if memory serves, my friend was the only second soprano. So I left the first sopranos and joined her. I guess I've been harmonizing ever since...I just try not to be annoying.
  15. When friends hear a lot of my stories, they tell me I should write a book. And I'd like to...but Amy Jo and D.Black do not need to hear some of the stories that would appear in the book. I'd publish under a pen name...but I really want credit for it.
  16. One of the things I'd do if I was rich would be to have a weekly massage appointment.
  17. I cry when I get really angry. I think it's just because I'm a fairly passionate person. It's frustrating because when I'm arguing with someone I don't want them to think that they are "making me cry" because odds are, they aren't.
  18. I believe that Kentucky has a strange power over its natives. I can't explain it, but I have a hard time seeing myself anywhere else. And even if I do wind up somewhere else, I have this feeling that I'll end up back in the Bluegrass.
    I never met a Kentuckian who wasn't on his way home. ~Mark Twain
  19. I'd like to take a cross-country road-trip some day. I have a book filled with random roadside attractions (such as CarHenge) that I would love to see.
  20. I think I'd lose my mind if I had to have a desk job for the rest of my life.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

A Series of Intriguing Events

I’ve had a number of interesting and amusing occurrences in my life over the past few days, and I’ve decided to update you on them.

I played miniature golf the other day, and I did surprisingly well. I got 5 hole-in-ones over 3 games…I’m probably going to go pro. We went to the Biblically-themed putt putt course over by the Lexington Ice Center. If you’ve never golfed here, you are missing out. There are 3 courses: Old Testament, New Testament, and Miracles. I don’t want to brag, but my friend and I did all three. We’re significantly hard-core. Anyway, back to my amazing performance. Check out this picture of the first hole-in-one I got.

You, dear readers, are enjoying the blog of someone who managed a hole-in-one on the dreaded hole at the top of a hill shot. This is the Mount Sinai hole on the Old Testament course, in case you were interested. After I made the shot, we all just stood there in disbelief for a little bit. We also discovered that I cannot do it twice in a row.

This next event might not seem so insane to the Average Joe...but believe me, it is! In the Asher Science Center at Georgetown College, there is a pendulum. During my sophomore year, my roommate and I would pass by the Foucault Pendulum every day before going to biology class (rounds 1 and 2...that's right, we had to take it twice). We invented a rule that if the Foucault Pendulum was ever not swinging, that meant we didn't have to go to class. We also determined that it probably was an indication of the end of the world. So on Monday, I was going to the first meeting of my class in the science building. As I walked by the pendulum, I decided to take a peek for old time's sake. Motionless. That's right, the Foucault Pendulum was not moving. I took a picture and texted my friend. I also went to class (despite the previous ruling). Perhaps the lack of pendulum activity can be directly related to the other extraordinary experiences of this week.

Yesterday, some friends and I decided to have a picnic dinner in Woodland Park. The plan was to eat and play on the swings. I could not have been more excited about the swings; I’ve had the urge to go swinging for about a month now (not sure why) but it just wouldn’t go away. So we’re in the park when we see a couple walking their pets…3 fairly large dogs and 1 Shetland pony! That’s right. I said Shetland pony.

Not only did I get to swing, I also got to meet a pony. The owners appeared to grow weary of all the attention they got with their pony. Ummm, you have a pony in a public park–how are you not looking for attention? Ultimately I decided that I feel bad for the pony. I assume they live around there and there’s no house in that area with what I would consider to be adequate space for a pony. I also came to the conclusion that their house probably smells really bad. But seriously, who has a pony in the city?

I didn't know she had a pony. How was I to know she had a pony? Who figures an immigrant's going to have a pony? Do you know what the odds are on that? I mean, in all the pictures I saw of immigrants on boats coming into New York harbor, I never saw one of them sitting on a pony. Why would anybody come here if they had a pony? Who leaves a country packed with ponies to come to a non-pony country? It doesn't make sense... am I wrong? ~Jerry Seinfeld (Seinfeld, season 2, The Pony Remark)

And the evening only got more interesting! We saw a car painted to look like a bag of Skittles (tropical Skittles, to be precise). And I’m not mentioning all the weird things we see down there on a regular basis, because they no longer register as being weird. When we finally decided to leave the house we were at (circa 3 A.M.) I got in my car to discover the most evil devil bug residing on my windshield.

See that large grayish-brown thing on the windshield? That is a bug! It was ginormous…like a rat with antennae, or maybe not. Whatever, it was big. And lemme tell you, this bug was brave. I started driving and he didn’t leave. He even survived the windshield washer action I threw his way. Honestly, I thought I’d gotten rid of him when I looked out the passenger window and saw him still clinging to the car. That’s when I decided this bug was probably planning on murdering me. When I got to our destination, I was a little scared to get out of the car. I assumed it was safe to say that he was angry about my attempted washer fluid drowning. I got out of the car, and there he was. He crawled back onto the windshield and I ran inside. When we left at 4 A.M. he was nowhere to be seen…but I still think he was hanging around somewhere. I expected to get home and have him attack me since I would be sans-escort. He didn’t.

I’m not 100% sure what kind of game this bug is playing but I’m confident in saying it’s not over. I feel like I’m going to turn around and there he is. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I always feel like somebody's watching me. That bug is turning into the money I could [allegedly] be saving with Geico.

If I suddenly stop posting things, it’s because the killer bug got me.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

We Go Together Like Soccer and Orange Slices

I've never been much for watching sports. I just can't get into it. I mean, I don't know these people and that makes it really hard for me to care when they score points. I will say that I've always enjoyed watching cheerleading competitions on ESPN--because why are they so good?!

There are only two sports that I have watched regularly in my life: soccer and volleyball. I started watching volleyball by accident. A friend of mine in college used to do stats and libero tracking at the volleyball games. She was finding it really difficult to do both so I took over the libero tracking. In case you're wondering, the libero is a person on the volleyball team who plays any position and gets switched around in the game a lot. The rule is that the libero has to go in and come out for the same person (so if the libero goes in for #5, then #5 has to come back in for the libero). It can get kinda confusing so I that's what I kept track of. Georgetown has an amazing volleyball team so it was always pretty fun to watch. For whatever reason I really enjoyed it.

I used to watch soccer because my brother, Will, played it from the ages of 4 to 18. He could've played at the college level but Purdue doesn't have a men's soccer team. I guess I understand soccer because I watched him grow up playing the game, learning about confusing issues such as "off sides." If you're not familiar with youth soccer leagues I will tell you what I believe is the one true staple of the sport: orange slices.

Soccer is the only sport I've seen where the kids get to have a snack in the middle of the game. It makes sense; it's a very intense sport with lots of running around outside. Each family would take turns alternating who brought snacks (and drinks) for half-time and after the game. From a snack perspective, after the game was a complete free-for-all. Hostess and Little Debbie snack cakes were quite popular. You knew the family providing the snacks was rich if they brought pop for after the game; pop is expensive.

Half-time snacks were another issue entirely because the kids still had half a game to play. The snack needed to be healthy, but still tasty enough for kids to eat. Enter: orange slices! I can't think of a time I saw something other than orange slices served at half-time (with some sort of wet naps or baby wipes because they're inevitably sticky). Honestly, I can't think of soccer and not think of orange slices...and vice versa.

Soccer is actually the only professional sport I can watch on TV and I don't know why. Professional soccer can be very boring. Case in point: In the season 9 Simpsons episode entitled The Cartridge Family, everyone in Springfield goes to a soccer match (and instead of peanuts they have paella) and then a riot breaks out over who can leave first because the game is so boring...and then Homer buys a gun, it's really a hilarious episode, you should check it out.

One thing I have noticed about professional soccer is that the concept of half time orange slices seems to have gone by the wayside. In my mind, this is a big mistake. Maybe it's because the players' moms aren't at the games; but I think their wives could handle the task. I'd like to see Posh Spice carting a huge tray of orange slices to David Beckham and his teammates. I guess I just think it's important not to lose a certain element of childhood innocence in life.

Why did I write this post? Because I was laying in bed and realized we have mad crazy amounts of oranges in the kitchen and I love oranges. Then I was trying to decide if I'd peel it or slice it up; and, as previously stated, I can't think of orange slices without thinking about soccer so this post was a logical move. All I know is, I'm probably going to eat some oranges today.

Another Back in Black Recommendation

Three posts in one night?! I'm like a superhero...with super blogging capabilities! But not really, because this one is only a link to a recommendation. But if you'd like to still consider me a superhero, please feel free to do so; I am fairly amazing.

I was catching up on Cake Wrecks just a few moments ago when I discovered a link to a hilarious letter which I think everyone needs to read. I don't want to spoil it and tell you what the letter is about. You'll just have to see for yourself. Enjoy!

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

An Open Letter to Bluetooth Users

I think it's time for me to write a long-overdue letter to a group of people I've loathed for quite some time: People who use a Bluetooth. I actually started writing this blog during June of 2008 but got distracted and never finished it. Then, during a spirited round of "The Three Name Game" the other night, I heard a friend use the word "douchebags" to describe people who use Bluetooths. It was then that I realized I never did finish this post and should probably get crack-a-lackin on it.

Dear Bluetooth User,

It is my firm belief that the Bluetooth was created to reduce the number of car accidents caused by jackasses who can't talk on the phone and drive at the same time. I think that's a great idea. I wish I had thought of it--and not just because I would be rich, but because it's a good idea. I'm not opposed to using some form of handsfree phone apparatus while around the house. If you're going to be on the phone for a long time it's a great way to multi-task and gets some things done.That being said, I have a bone to pick with the majority of Bluetooth users.

Stop using the damn thing when both your hands are free. Not only is that one of the laziest things I have ever seen (and believe you me, I've seen laziness) but it makes you look like a crazy person. For some reason, not holding a phone makes people talk louder. I have no desire to hear everything you have to say. If I wanted to hear all about your day, I would be friends with you and perhaps I'd be the person on the other end of that call. And if you want me to be friends with you (trust me, you do), get rid of that stupid Bluetooth.

long as we're on the subject...your Bluetooth is not an accessory. I'm talking to you: guys I see in bars/clubs wearing the Bluetooth as though you're going to take an urgent call at any moment. Do you know what you look like when you accessorize with a Bluetooth? I will tell you. You look like an asshole...and you probably are.

And by the way, lady Bluetoothers, if your hair is long enough to cover your ears that means it is also long enough to hide your Bluetooth. This makes you look like a crazy person who talks to themselves. I guess this point can also be for long-haired guys...attention long-haired guys: cut your hair. Unless your one of a very, very few celebrities who can pull off the longer locks (I'm talking to you Johnny Depp), I'm going to go out on a limb and say it looks gross.

If you walk around public with a Bluetooth in your ear, we all hate you and it's high time someone told you. It doesn't stop there, we talk about you...all the time. Luckily, this situation is easily remedied. All you have to do to regain our respect is take that thing out of your ear and never use it in public again. But if you're considering using the speakerphone option on your cell, let me just go ahead and stop you right there. That is a completely lateral move in my book. So just use your phone like a normal human being. Or even a monkey that's been trained to hold a phone.

It might be a little weird at first, actually holding the phone to your ear. But I promise you, it's just like riding a bike and it'll all come rushing back to you. I had a choice of comparing it to riding a bike or to sex, as those are two things that people rarely forget how to do. But, if you've been using a Bluetooth there's a good chance no one has had sex with you in awhile either (and yes, the two are related).

The bottom line is: If you give up your Bluetooth, cold turkey, not only will you regain the respect of society but people may very well want to have sex with you again. Even if you don't care about my respect, I'll bet you miss getting laid.


P.S. The font in this post is a bit jacked up...I'm not trying to emphasize certain phrases by switching fonts, but these words are reluctant to switch back to a more uniform look.

Overload: The Thoughts in My Head

First and foremost, I must apologize for my lack of blogging; I've been harassed multiple times, by multiple people (hi, Maggie) about updating so here it is! In my defense I will say that shit has been crazy. Summer school is even more intense than my regularly accelerated program, and then I've had work on top of that. I don't know what my deal has been lately but when I have had a moment to sit down and ponder my blog, I can't get my mind to focus on what I want to write about. There's always a slew of little things floating around in my mind but none of them have been developing into larger concepts lately.

Within the last few weeks there has been such a barrage of media activity that I haven't been able to single out one specific topic. So, there's my questionable defense for not blogging in awhile. I should probably warn you that I don't have any notes for this blog, so it promises to be even more stream of consciousy than usual. I enjoy my stream of conscious writing style, but I do make efforts to control it for the sake of you, my readers.

Am I the only person on the planet who doesn't give two shits about Jon and Kate? I never watched that show--the entire concept of eight [young] children gives me anxiety. Plus, I'm afraid that if I watch that show and laugh at them too much that I'll have eight children; because karma is a chameleon, it come and go, it come and go...a whoa whoa. Alls I know is, the other day I logged into Facebook and damn near every status was about freakin' Jon and Kate. "So and so is really upset about Jon and Kate!", "What's Her Face cried at the end of Jon and Kate." I briefly toyed with the idea of defriending everyone who had a Jon and Kate-related status...but I didn't. I guess I can understand people being upset; I mean, if a couple saddled with a busload of children, a reality TV show and a 24 hour media circus can't make it in this world, who can? I will say that I feel genuinely bad for the children; it's never fun when your parents get divorced. Well, I take that back. I loved my Dad's second divorce!

Just when all the Jon and Kate commotion was starting to settle, celebrities started dropping like flies! I mean, what is going on out there in LA?! Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, Billy Mays and Karl Malden. That's insanity! The really crazy thing is that I've always observed death in waves of three. So, after the first two I was wondering who else would die--not in a morbid way, just in my justification of how the universe works. And then Michael Jackson died and my suspicions of death in threes was confirmed. But then, Billy Mays died and I was completely freaked out! That meant 2 more people were next. It's a lot of sadness all at once. Farrah, MJ and Billy Mays were all so young, and it always upsets me when people die before their time.

Typically I'm all for celebrity gossip, but I'm already tired of all the digging into Michael Jackson's past. Every day they're throwing new, bizzare MJ factoids at us. None of these things surprise me. I feel that we are stating the obvious there. Personally, I have long since resigned myself to the fact that he was a very odd, troubled man. I will admit, again, that these sort of things usually interest me. But I just look at everything he had to face (especially with his dad) and I'm surprised he wasn't more messed up. I just feel bad for him and think we should all leave it alone.

Devotees of my blog may recall that I have a love for infomercials (specifically the cleaning products). It is no shock that the death of Billy Mays was quite a blow. Who is going to tell me what products I should buy? I've been wondering whether or not they're going to reshoot all of his infomercials with new people. That's probably a weird thing to ponder, but nonetheless, I have pondered it. I think it would be weirder to turn on the TV and still hear Billy Mays yelling about "awesome power." I also think they should do some sort of tribute sale of all the products he endorsed; some of my favorites include: Oxi Clean, Orange Glo, Kaboom, Big City Slider, Mighty Putty and Mighty MendIt. I also thought that the grocery store where I work should've had a sale/display on Paul Newman items when he died last year. I'm really not trying to be funny or rude, I think it's a way to say, "Hey, this person was cool, here's some stuff they did." If you'd like to buy an item to remember Billy Mays, I recommend Oxi Clean--basically, it's amazing. The last thing I will say on the death of Billy Mays was that it really made me want to go buy a ShamWow. I know he didn't endorse that, but it's an As Seen on TV item that I really want.

And, I'd like to go on record saying that Vince Shlomi (the ShamWow guy) cannot and will not replace Billy Mays. He doesn't have the he seems like a complete and total douche! First of all, he beats up hookers. Secondly, he wears that weird little headset mic in his commercial and that really bothers me. Is he part of a 1990s boy band or something?

On a completely unrelated topic, I'm in this technology class right now and this session's assignment involves creating a blog. That's been another obstacle in working on this blog. How awesome would it have been if I could've just posted the link to this blog? Sadly, we had to use a specific site to create our blogs and they also have to be fairly tame in content. We have to post at least four times or something. So, I think I'm going to copy, paste and [severely] edit what I write in this blog and insert it into my class blog.

While I do have more to say on a variety of subjects, I think I'm going to start a new post rather than make this one 13 years long.