Sunday, May 9, 2010


I don't get any sort of notification when people comment on my blog. Maybe I should change the settings so that I do. But ever since the porn-link comment fiasco, I've tried to become more vigilant about checking for comments that need to be deleted. I just posted a new entry and I decided to go through all my comments (there aren't many, haha!) There were a couple I hadn't realized people made.

Once in a blue moon, I'll get a comment [not a porn link] from someone I don't know. I always find this interesting. I wonder how they stumbled across my little blog and what made them read it. I typically assume they were a level of bored that I have never been. A few moments, I found one of these. And the person was pissed at me!

Way back in November, I blogged about not being able to find a Spanish birthday card (specifically a Quinceanera). I was irritated because I found some cards for things that I thought happen with way less frequency than Hispanic girls turning 15. I was also amused at some of the cards I found, like the divorce announcement card. Well, someone else read the post in January and was in turn quite irritated with yours truly.

I think this is pretty funny. It's kind of cool that someone in South America read my blog (I'm using the past tense because I'm sure I pissed her off too much to ever read it again). As I'm re-reading the comment, I'm a little confused. Is she telling me that I live in America so I should learn to speak English? I was born in America and I do speak English. I'm pretty sure I blog in English, too. I just thought that since I was going to a Spanish celebration that would be conducted in Spanish that a Spanish card might be appropriate.

I don't [usually] mean to piss people tends to happen by accident. Oops. On the off chance that you still read my blog, Cristina, sorry to have upset you...and thanks for reading.

Health Crisis: High School Edition

Today I'd like to talk to you about a number of the serious disorders that are beginning to manifest in the youth of America. I see these types of teens every day and it breaks my heart--not enough people are speaking out against these diseases.

Confusingleggingsforpantsitis: This tragic disease is more commonly known as "Li-Lo Syndrome," named of course for Lindsay Lohan. A number of high school girls are unable to distinguish the subtle difference between pants and leggings. Maybe one day there will be a class offered that could guide these girls through the intricacies of appropriate leg attire. Another common disease that stems from this disorder is Seriouslythosepantsarecuttingoffcirculationinyourlegsosis. Survivors of Li-Lo Syndrome often transition to this disorder before fully recovering and wearing normal pants. The two disorders can be differentiated by the opaqueness of the leg covering. Leggings have a slightly transparent finish while pants are opaque. However, in both disorders the leg covering does appear to be spray painted on.

Hyper-eyelinerism: As long as we're on the subject of make-up, I should also mention that many young girls are unaware that make-up is to be put on at home and one application per day is sufficient. There's no need to pull out all your make-up and apply it in class. But back to the eye-liner. The typical high school girl uses approximately one eye-liner pencil per eye per day. I hope you're shocked. You should be. Is that a raccoon in the back row of my class? That's impressive; I didn't know raccoons had the discipline to learn a world language...oh wait, it's just a girl with excessive eye-liner. This video should clear up any questions you have about high school girls and make-up.

The final disorder is Faketaneosis. There are several causes of Faketaneosis including tanning beds, spray tan and bronzer. But no matter what the culprit, I think we all know that no child should be orange.

Please stay tuned for updates on charity events to benefit these crippling diseases.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Say Cheesey

I know I've written this fact a multitude of times, but I feel it's a necessary precursor to these sorts of posts. I'm at that age where everyone I know (but me) is getting married. This provides me with ample opportunities to observe and study everything about wedding planning and all the madness therein. I'm like Jane Goodall living with the chimps...only in a more formal scenario. I will observe these weddings, gather data and publish my findings in some sort of [critically acclaimed] book (or more likely, on this blog).

What's the deal with engagement pictures? I understand what they are (another nice yet unnecessary part of the hoopla that makes weddings a billion dollar a year industry). FYI, that's not bitterness or cynicism, that's what we call stating the facts. I just don't fully understand the purpose they serve. Should guests bring the Save the Date card with the engagement pictures on the big day, just to make sure they're at the right event? Who do the bride and groom send engagement pictures to? Friends and family--also known as "people who already know what they look like."

Let me start over. My problem is not with the existence of engagement photos, or with a couple's (by which I mean a bride's) decision to have professional engagement photos taken. That's nice. My issue is with the standard shots often used in engagement photos. If you're not familiar with these classic photo opts, read on:

Pensive look of far off wonderment: This look can be captured several ways including but not limited to gazing into each others eyes or gazing off into the distance. Regardless, there must be gazing. The emotion they're going for is "Gee, what does our future hold?" But all I see is, "how awkward can I look while attempting to gaze in a serious yet nonchalant manner as though I'm unaware of the camera?"

The bling shot: You're going to want at least one photo that showcases that rock on your finger. Popular poses require you to stand facing one another, with the girl placing her hand prominently on the guy's chest or possibly cheek. This is the "suck it, bitches" picture--the one that you want your old high school acquaintances to stumble upon whilst creeping on your Facebook. You want everyone to see this picture and say, "Damn!"

I'm a delicate flower whose boyfriend picks her up: You're a dainty little bride and now that you've found your one and only, he just can't stop picking you up. Whether it's a borderline chest bump where he's picking you up and your feet are kicking back in the air as if to say, "Weeee! Love!" or the more traditional style that looks like he's carrying you over the threshold, this shot is a keeper. May I also suggest some alteration on the latter--involving some sort of dipping seems to be very popular. Remember that whatever pose you go with, this picture should always contain laughter. Apparently, picking up grown women on a regular basis is the type of thing you laugh about. Maybe because it's just so easy to do. Giggle.

Down to Earth: This is the meticulously planned shot that says, "Hey, look how laid back we are as a couple, just sitting here in an empty field in our dress clothes." If that's not natural, I don't know what is. I suggest Photoshopping in some cartoon wildlife and musical notes to make it look like you're starring in your own Disney movie.

None of this is ours: When posing for an engagement picture, it's important to remember that you should never pose by anything that you actually own, use in your daily life or have even seen before. If you don't even know what you're standing next to, or how to spell it: congratulations, you've done it. Try posing by a gate that goes to a mysterious home that you don't live in or next to an old tractor even though you don't farm. Remember, you want people saying, "Where the hell did they take this picture...and where'd they find those baby ducks?"

I'd be much more comfortable with engagement pictures if they actually seemed to represent the couple. But I suppose nobody wants pictures of how they really spend their time together. Here's a shot of us watching TV while wearing sweatpants. And here we are comparing name brand and generic cereal at the grocery store. And the thing de resistance: us eating pizza on the couch, straight out of the box. Should someone ever decide to marry me (obstacle one is still getting someone to date me) I'd feel like a little bit of a liar if those weren't my engagement pictures. And we all know that lies make Baby Jesus cry.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Coming Soon, or Probably Not Soon

I'm getting tired of my blog layout. That and Amy Jo can't get this version to upload and work. And I'll be damned if I'm going to sit here and not do anything about the fact that my mother is having to do her job rather than read my hilarity while in her cubicle. I also have a decent following at her work, I'd hate it if none of them could read this! I'll probably be changing it "soon". And by soon I mean, whenever I have time. This could very well be during summer vacation as I'm mad busy right now. Although now I'm thinking that the change will come later today, after I get my haircut. I'll just do this rather than all the things I'm supposed to be doing.
Speaking of "followers" a few sentences it weird that I'm jealous of my friends' blogs who have more followers than mine? And by weird, I do mean pathetic. Whatever, it's fine.

Drive Me Crazy

Am I the only one who judges the inhabitants of the cars around me? Of course I'm not. For example, when I'm driving next to a car that's all beat up and obviously been through a few wrecks, I get away from that person because they just don't care anymore. I also have a bumper sticker obsession. I'm not the type to EVER put a bumper sticker on my car--unless I had an old POS-mobile. I'm more of a static cling kind of gal; bumper stickers are so permanent and they decrease the resale value. This might sound odd coming from someone with a tattoo (and dreams of another tattoo should massive anxiety subside), but it's not like I'm planning on selling my body any time soon (or ever).

But when I see a car with bumper stickers, I have to know what they say. I love clever things. One of the worst days of my life as a child (other than the turmoil of my parents' divorce, etc.) was after an appointment at the eye doctor. My eyes had been dilated and I was rocking those awesome old lady sunglasses when we pulled up behind a bumper sticker-clad car. Although my vision was blurry, I could tell that everything but the back window of this car was COVERED in bumper stickers. However, I couldn't read them. And to top it all off, it must have been rush hour because we sat behind that car for a long time. Had my vision been unaltered, I would've had ample time to read the witty repartee of the bumper stickers. That's just as bad as being caught behind a similar car for a short period of time.

A few weeks ago, I was driving to Richmond, and I was behind a minivan delivering Papa John's. There was a bumper sticker I couldn't read so I sped up. And thank God I did, otherwise I wouldn't have known how this person felt about "titties & beer," I assume he's pro on both of those hot-button issues. I began wondering whether or not a middle aged man, delivering pizza in a mini-van with a titties & beer bumper sticker could pinpoint exactly when his life took a different turn. I'm betting yes.

Of course my current favorite bumper stickers have to be for the oh-so-intelligent "Tea Partiers" (Amy Jo's favorite insult). They're so moronically clever. Clever in that they are a tad witty, but moronic considering that the majority of those people have NO idea what they're talking about. On my way home this past Monday night, I was behind one such car. The bumper sticker that I could read from a distance was the standard Tea Party sticker. TEA has been turned into the monogram "Taxed Enough Already" and then there's a little teapot that says "We're TEA'd off." Chuckle. They also had a Jeff Gordon license plate I insinuating that Nascar fans are all Tea Partiers? No. But, you have to admit, there is a correlation.

Now, it was dark out, making it difficult to read the other bumper stickers at the top of the rear window of this car. Naturally I switched lanes and continued to follow them. Jackpot: Red Light! I got to read the stickers in all their glory. In the left corner, we had the Skull & Crossbones with the message "Obama Care" (because as we all know, we're going to have death camps now that universal healthcare has been approved). And in the right corner, Stop Obama's Socialism (spelling out SOS). I'm pretty sure this car was powered by ignorance. If you're too stupid to understand the actual definition of socialism and how it's different than capitalism and that America will never be anything other than a capitalist nation, I have serious issues with you operating heavy machinery.
I will point out that at the bottom of this ad I found for the SOS sticker, it says, "Every $25 donation gets a free bumper sticker." For a group of people so concerned about getting their money taken away by the powers that be, they sure are ready to throw away a good chunk of change on a bumper sticker. $25 bumper sticker, good choice.

Conversely, I am not a huge fan of vanity plates. Most of the time, vanity plates have to be so immensely abbreviated that I have no idea what the person is trying to say. Once, on the way to Hilton Head (blech--my hatred for Hilton Head will be explained at a later date) I was stuck behind a car with a vanity plate I couldn't understand. Traffic inched along as I spent hours behind this plate, trying to figure out what it meant--no such luck. I was stumped. If memory serves me, I think I later realized that Ohio license plates are laid out differently than Kentucky's. Rather than having the numbers and letters divided into two 3 character groups, Ohio just throws 'em all together. So the vanity plate I was attempting to decipher was merely a standard issue nonsensical license plate.

I was behind a rather interesting vanity plate the other day. I'm sitting behind this car with a veteran plate that reads: DRUNK. Really? The statement about yourself you want to put out to the world is 'drunk'? Why not HORNY or something equally as dumb? If I was a cop, and I saw a car with a DRUNK vanity plate, I'd pull them over. If you're drunk so much of the time that it's worth advertising on your car, my odds of bagging a DUI increase exponentially.