Wednesday, November 25, 2009

What's New [Pussycat]...whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

I am going to attempt to write a brief post despite the fact that my mind is currently one track...and the name of that track is gravy. Thanksgiving is almost here!!

There have been a number of new developments since I last posted. First of all, I've finished up my Masters degree program. I'm waiting to get grades back on my portfolios and scores from the Praxis PLT exam--but other than that, I'm done. No more classes. I've signed up to be a substitute and I plan on looking for a job for the upcoming school year. I am also returning to Kroger this upcoming week...basically, I want to have more degrees than anyone there. Slash, I just want moneys. I am excited to be seeing [some] of my fellow Kroger employees again.

The other big-ish development is that I have attempted to make my blog a little more anonymous as previously mentioned. I've removed all traces of my full name (or I'm pretty sure I got them all) but I have left the blog address alone for now. Worst case scenario, I could be told to change the address or add a password, but I want to avoid doing that if possible. We'll just have to play that by ear...or by eyes, since you're reading this.

So, those are the major developments here. I hope that my time will once again be freed up for some of the things I love such as Zumba and blogging. I'm not sure how many posts I'll get in during the holidays, but you can look forward to more regular posts soon. But that's all on this post. I'm going to spend some time with my broseph while he's home from college. Happy Thanksgiving!!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Upcoming Changes

As you know, I am planning on being a teacher...because of that, I need to make my blog more anonymous. Not that I write anything particularly awful on here, but it's just not professional looking. I'm toying around with a few ideas.
The safest option would be to put a protective password on the blog so that only people with the password could read it. This does create an extra step for you. The other option is to change the web address...which I'm not 100% sure I can do. Whatever the change is, I will let you know. But it will be happening soon.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Missteps in Logic

I'm not sure why, but when people find out that I was a Spanish major, they are under the assumption that I want to hear them complain about all the "Mexicans". Can you see the missteps in logic? Let's look at the entire situation here...
  • I majored in Spanish
  • I speak the language fluently
  • I plan on being a Spanish teacher
In my mind, these things might serve as an indication that not only do I know a thing or two about immigration but that I'm probably more sympathetic to Spanish-speaking people. Also, I'm probably well aware that not everyone who speaks Spanish is Mexican. Here's a sample conversation I might have:
ME: I love the Spanish language.
IDIOT: I think all them Mexicans need to learn English.
ME: Umm...OK then. I don't know what to say to that, so I'm just going to leave.
It's never not frustrating to find yourself in that situation. That would be like telling a social worker that you think all people need to handle their own problems and no one deserves help. Or telling a finance major that we should eliminate all forms of currency and go back to the barter system. If someone tells you they're a journalism major, will your first order of business be telling them that newspapers are a dying industry? Probably not.

It is entirely possible that these people are in cahoots with the people who misuse the term fiance and they have joined forces to make my head explode. Actually, that's not likely at all--I just wanted to say cahoots.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

It's like an infomercial, that you read!

The holiday season is upon us. Amy Jo and I have seen a recent influx of catalogs arriving at Black Manor. Every time there are catalogs in the mail, Amy Jo says something to the effect of, "You can tell it's getting close to Christmas because of all these catalogs." Here's the thing about catalogs, some of them make perfect sense. I have a Victoria's Secret credit card, I shop there and order things online, therefore I receive their catalog (about once every 15 minutes). Side note, no one sends more catalogs than Victoria's Secret. Some catalogs you get just because God rewards you for being good--I'm talking about Pottery Barn here. Does anyone else's heart skip a beat when they see the Pottery Barn catalog in the mailbox? What can I say? I love catalogs. When I'm flying somewhere, any minor anxiety regarding the flight is diminished by my excitement to read SkyMall.

And then there are the mystery catalogs; the catalogs you have no idea why you receive. You've never ordered anything from this catalog, you didn't even know this was a store. You've never even ordered anything like this merchandise in your life. I'm going to focus on those catalogs, because they're the most fun. The 3 mystery catalogs we've received are (in order of least awesome to most awesome): Improvements, Potpourri, and The Pyramid Collection.

Improvements is at the bottom of the list not because it's bad, but because it is the most normal of the three. It's got a lot of holiday decoration stuff...and a personal soft serve ice cream maker I'm looking at right now. God help me if I had one of those! You can probably find a lot of Improvements merchandise at Bed, Bath & Beyond. I'm sure most of us have something in our homes that is sold from this catalog (we probably bought it somewhere else though). Much like Sharper Image, the items in Improvements are not weird, many of them are simply unnecessary.

Potpourri is quasi-normal. There's a lot of dresses and sweaters that are miraculously unflattering to every body type, moderately inspirational plaques and picture frames about friends being connected at the heart and whatnot. Potpourri is the stuff you see at someone's house and think, "What possessed them to buy that?" Next time you're out and about and see a woman in a silk-screened t-shirt that says, "This is what a real cool Grandma looks like" in little kid writing, or think, "Man, I'm glad that's not my mom wearing the shirt with lighthouses all over it," you can assure yourself that was purchased from Potpourri.

And now we've come to the inspiration for this post. The Pyramid Collection. I have saved not one, but 2 of these catalogs and I could honestly talk about every item on every page. According to the cover, this catalog features "Myth, Magick, Fantasy & Romance." I'll never buy a cape from another catalog again. Pyramid Collection reaches all previously mentioned audiences of Improvements and Potpourri, in addition to an entire new demographic! You've got your inspirational stuff and your keychains with sayings like, "don't drive faster than your guardian angel can fly"...but you've also got all sorts of crazy (and sometimes kinky) costumes and jewelry. But wait, there's more! Pyramid Collection also contains a variety of "discrete personal massagers," the Super Kegel Exerciser, Advanced Sexual Techniques DVD, vibrating panties, and Totally Nude Aerobics & Tai Chi exercise videos!

I love how the people at Pyramid Collection leave no stone unturned from a marketing standpoint. Has anyone ever really thought to themselves, "Why can't I buy a vibrator, medieval dragon deskset, and inspirational angel plaque all from the same place?" If anyone has said that, I kind of want to meet them. I don't think we'd be best friends or anything, but I bet they'd be fun to drink with and/or send hilarious text messages.

Hallmark

A few weeks ago, I was in Hallmark searching for a quinceanera card (or at minimum, a birthday card in Spanish). I found 1 birthday card in Spanish--only one! This wouldn't have pissed me off as much had I not found some of the other cards they had. Did you know that when your pastor retires, you can't just give him a retirement card? They have a special pastor retirement card. There were a number of cards in braille, and a number of cards for Bar & Bat Mitzvahs. I have no beef with cards for the blind or God's Chosen People, but I'm almost certain that the Hispanic population of Lexington is much larger than the blind or Jewish population.

So anyway, I'm getting pissed off in Hallmark when I spot a "Divorce Announcement" card. And it wasn't remotely ironic (don't worry, I took a picture). It was a completely serious card letting someone know that you got divorced.
"Sometimes there is only one way to make a new beginning...Just wanted to let you know about my divorce."
I have heard (by which I most absolutely mean "received email forwards") of people sending out cards much like the wedding invitation when they get divorced. I think it's a silly thing to waste your [recently decreased] income on, but whatever rips your velcro. I was puzzled by this particular divorce announcement card, for several reasons.
There are the obvious reasons of:
  • Who would you need to inform of your divorce in such a formal manner? Is somebody too good to receive a phone call or text? Some super conservative great-great-grandmother? I've got news for you, she's going to be so shocked over the actual divorce that the manner in which you break the news will be of little consequence.
  • Why would you spend $2-3 on a divorce announcement card?
  • How would I react if I received a divorce announcement card in the mail?
My questions included:
  • Why is this card only sold by itself? If you're going to send out divorce announcement cards, wouldn't it be better to buy a pack of 20? Why should divorce announcement cards be different from thank you cards or Christmas cards? It's not like there are so many divorce cards to choose from.
  • Is this really the type of card that needs to be in the full, standard card size? What more is there to say? It would be much more cost effective to print divorce announcement cards on the half-card size (again, like thank you cards).
So, if I ever start my own card-making company I plan on selling a variety of half-size divorce announcement cards in box sets. Divorce announcement cards will be made available in both the serious and humorous genres. Come to me for all your divorce announcement needs.

A Series of Unrelated Thoughts

Amy Jo was a pretty big fan of the swine flu post I did where I just listed my thoughts throughout the day, as was I. Her birthday was yesterday, and blogging is infinitely cheaper than a present (although I knitted her a scarf).
  • Every time I hear Party in the USA I can't help but sing along. As soon as the song ends, I'm filled with the shame of an adult who enjoys and knows all the words to a Miley Cyrus song. Whether you'll admit it or not, I know I'm not alone in this.
  • How much do I want to buy the Playboy with Marge Simpson on the cover? So much! I should do that before the new one comes out. I can't help but think that the whole thing is awesome. I am counting on it being tastefully done...it's not Hustler.
  • Do you think that Venezuela is like the Clampet family of OPEC? I mean, seriously, all the other countries are over in the Middle East or Africa so they totally have stuff in common. But then here comes Venezuela out of left field! If I was in OPEC, I think I'd devote a significant portion of time to rewriting the Beverly Hillbillies theme song so that it could be applied to Venezuela. Actually, I think I might do that despite not being a member of OPEC.
  • If I ever stop enjoying Matt Nathanson's music, punch me in the face until I come to my senses. That's an order.
  • So, Creed has a new song. I'm confident that I was not the only person who didn't know Creed was a thing anymore.
  • Speaking of songs, have you heard John Mayer's new song? It's called Who Says, and it's kinda on the douchey side. Granted, a certain level of doucheyness is implied regarding John Mayer (I do enjoy a number of his songs, though)...but this one is just, extra douchey. I get that it's about freedom and doing what you want (with an emphasis on the desire to smoke weed); I appreciate that declaration of freedom. But, "I don't remember you looking any better, but then again I don't remember you," just strikes me as a dick thing to say.

Colon: It's Not Just Grammar

Before I get to the promised plethora of posting (ahh, alliteration!), allow me to explain the situation. I've had stomach problems for years now--a LOT of things make me sick. But it's gotten really bad recently; and I do mean REALLY bad. I switched to gluten-free food, thinking it might be Coeliac, and that has helped quite a bit. I went to the doctor to ask for a blood test to confirm whether or not that was the issue...and then he uped the anty. "Let's go ahead and do a colonoscopy, too," he said. I love the casual manner in which these things are suggested, like, "Hey, on the way home, let's run by Kroger and get some ice cream." I haven't been doing this long, but so far it is very different than running by Kroger and getting ice cream.

Apparently, the procedure is not the taxing part of a colonoscopy--it's the preparation. Everyone told me I should just set up shop in the bathroom. Far be it from me to go against seasoned pros; the next few blogs are coming from my newest command post: the bathroom.

It's an exciting time for us all.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

A Funny Thing Happened on My Way to the Ocho

Last Thursday, I was on my way to the Ocho so that we could head on over to Thriller dance practice and I decided to run through McDonald's. Sitting in the drive-thru lane I had a couple of amusing experiences...here we go.
I ordered my cheeseburger Mighty Kids' Meal (because I am a mighty kid), and I was waiting to hand over my money at the first window when I noticed some people attempting to park a giant truck. First of all, the wife had to get out of the truck to guide the husband. I can't hate on that, because I'm a terrible parker. The truck had one of those designs on the back windshield, the Superman symbol. That's fine. The Superman symbol was also on the back gate of the truck, on a little metal Jesus-fish style thing. So, this guy likes Superman.
Here's the best part: they finally park the truck, and get the little boy out of the backseat. He has a little backpack...guess what symbol is on the backpack? Yep, Superman. Why should I have expected anything less? The kicker is, the boy's name was embroidered on the backpack. Clark. That's right, I said Clark...as in Clark Kent, Superman's alter ego. Amazing!
So the Supermans went inside and I was silly enough to assume that my excitement was over. When I went to hand my money over, the worker said, "double cheeseburger Mighty Kids' Meal?" I said yes, although I had ordered a normal cheeseburger. I was certain it was a mistake, why would a double cheeseburger be an option for a kid's meal? I'll tell you why, because this is America. You'd better believe that when I got my food it was a double cheeseburger (which I couldn't eat all of because that's a lot of cheeseburger).
I'll tell you one thing, that is a MIGHTY kid...a mighty obese kid. On the plus side, the meal came with an awesome My Little Pony, so I can't complain too much.

Coming Soon!

Get excited readers, I've got several blogs ready to go but I haven't had a chance to type them out yet...until now (well, tomorrow)! Due to an upcoming medical procedure, I will soon find myself with a limited number of activities in which I can participate. And don't fret, there is more to come on said procedure! I'm sure you're all ready for more hilarity!