Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Kids Say the Darndest Things

I feel like my students have been saying a lot of funny things I thought I'd share them! Maybe I'll throw in some classics, too. Students are masters of the non sequiter. Most of these comments came in the middle of class, often times as an interruption to my lesson.
  • "Miss Black, can you hold on to this pencil until I have your class again? I won't need it until then." This kid's pencil is in my desk as I type this. Mind you, our school has block scheduling so I won't see this student for 48 hours. In the next 48 hours, he does not anticipate needing a pencil for anything.
  • "Look, Miss Black--my dog literally did eat my homework." This statement was accompanied by a student's workbook that had clearly been chewed up by a dog. There was also a note from a parent verifying that the dog did in fact eat the workbook. I totally believe this kid, Lola would chew up a workbook in a heartbeat. However, the homework in question was not from the workbook.
  • "Miss Black, how do you spell gonorrhea?" An oldy but a goody. A student asked me this last year. I had to reply with, "I have no idea. Gonorrhea isn't really my area of expertise."
  • "Miss Black, why can't football players have intercourse before a game?" This girl raised her hand and called me over to her desk. Silly me, I thought the question would be related to the assignment. When I asked her what prompted her to ask me that question she said, "I don't know, I thought maybe you dated a football player."
  • "My special plant is inside my dresser." This was included in a composition about each student's "perfect room". Apparently, my mind was in the gutter when I assumed this special plant was something of an illegal nature. "Naw, that's not what it is. It''s it called? Oh yea, marigold."
  • "I take my guinea pig for walks."
  • "This is a stick up. Give me an A or else." This probably doesn't seem amusing, until I tell you that the kid had his ski-hat pulled over his head while saying it.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Puppies v. Babies (aka World's Cutest "Fight")

Here's some fair warning: this post may be slightly controversial and thought-provoking. I suspect it will be the topic of discussion at water coolers across the nation soon.

I can't remember if I've blogged about babies before. Lots of people I know are getting engaged or married and having babies (not necessarily in that order). It's weird. I mostly like babies. Sometimes they suck, but everything sucks a little at times. I'm in favor of having my own baby or babies at some point in my life. That being said...why is it that when people have babies they become condescending and believe they have reached this level of intelligence that you can only attain through childbirth? *I should probably take this point to mention that I am not talking about anyone I know; I'm merely speaking in generalities.

I hate to break it to those people, but making and having a baby is not hard. Please note, I did not say that raising a child isn't hard--because I'm betting it totally is. But people develop this condescention shortly after having a baby, as though the hardest part is behind them. At that point, all they've done is have sex, be given an excuse to pack on some pounds and get the baby out. Now, I am not remotely interested in that last part. I have a very strong feeling that childbirth is not something I can handle, but that's another post for another day. The actual point of this post is to compare infants and puppies.

I'm currently in the process of getting sick (what's new) and I am sleep deprived which always guarantees illness for me. Why am I sleep deprived? Lola (I've highlighted her horns and forked tail because her cuteness usually renders them invisible). I love this dog, but at times I think she might be trying to kill me. Although I do not have a baby, I am a new parent. A puppy parent. And I'm here to tell you that being a puppy parent is just as hard as being an actual parent. I'm sure you're thinking, you can't compare the two because you don't have a baby. Amy Jo agrees with my opinion--this could be because she's smart and knows that when I'm tired I get cranky (not unlike an infant) and it's in everyone's best interest to agree with me, but I'm pretty sure it's because she knows it's true. But wait, I've got reasons!

Puppy Parenthood v. Baby Parenthood
  1. Sex: Parents of babies got to have sex before they had a baby. Possibly, lots of sex. I did not have sex in order to get a puppy. Unless you're operating under the barter system and you really want a puppy. I'm pretty sure sex is never payment in exchange for a puppy. I did get to staple mesh netting around the bottom edge of the fence in my backyard so that my tiny puppy couldn't escape the yard. That's not the same as sex. Not even a little.
  2. Wake Up Calls: Babies get their parents up a lot. So do puppies. However, you don't have to take your baby outside in the freezing snow to go to the bathroom. You just change their diaper. And, when your baby starts crying, it's probably because they have already gone to the bathroom and just require a clean up crew. Going to the bathroom for a puppy can often include sniffing the entire backyard. Or sometimes puppies are liars. They don't need to go to the bathroom, they just want to find that thing they buried or eat snow. Also, you don't have to worry about babies eating their own poop.
  3. Maternity Leave: Did anyone give me time off from work because I got a puppy? No. Even though I'm doing the same amount of work.
  4. Growth & Development: Puppies grow a lot faster than babies. They are also way more wriggly and a lot faster. Babies can't even walk or crawl for months after they're born. So, when you set your baby down somewhere, you are pretty confident that the baby will not move on its own.
  5. Post-Partum Depression: OK, babies probably win on this one. But it's very hard to leave your puppy, too. And you can take your baby with you places that you cannot take a puppy.
I could sit here and compare puppies and babies all day, but like I said before, I'm exhausted.