Friday, August 31, 2012

Mental Non Sequiturs

When I think of my brain, I imagine a vast highway of the future where all the cars are zooming by one another in the air. And I'm standing at the main intersection as all the thoughts race by me. That's the only way I can explain my random train of thought. And now, allow me to present a series of these mental non sequiturs.

  • I wonder how often the average person thinks about sour gummi worms? I bet it's not as often as me. Sometimes when I'm sitting at work, typing away...I find myself thinking, "Man I could go for some sour gummi worms right now."
  • Has anyone ever successfully trained a dog to use a toilet? I don't mind if they can't flush, I'll take care of that. It sure would be handy if they could go to the bathroom like people.
  • If I ever procreate, I'm going to do my best to have the baby on Labor Day. I just enjoy how literal it would be. Plus I think it would be a humorous (albeit corny) anecdote for later on in that baby's life.
  • If you're a vampire, do you think it would be important to eat healthy? Like, don't drink the blood of obese people because they're higher in cholesterol and sugar?
  • When will it become socially acceptable to mess with people who talk too loudly on their cell phones in public? If you're near me, yelling into your cell phone I think I have every right to respond to everything you say in an annoying fashion.
  • How is there not a successful weight loss pill yet? It's 2012. We've been to space and we've got crazy technology like iPads and ShamWows. You'd think by now we'd have a working pill for weight loss. I'd even be willing to give something up in return. For example, this pill will make you lose weight but you can never use escalators again. Or you can never drive a car over 70 miles per hour. I'd happily do it.
  •'s the thing about having a baby on Labor Day: I run the risk of the hospital being full of people who've had drunken boating accidents.
  • A non sequitur has to be my all-time favorite sequitur.
  • People frequently reference Romeo & Juliet when they talk about true love. They're looking for their Romeo or their Juliet...maybe those people didn't read all of that story, because it ends in a double suicide. And it all happens within the span of a few days. They meet, hang out just a tiny bit, and fall in love. They piss everybody off, get married, have sex once (maybe twice?) and then they die. That is so not what I'm looking for.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Online Dating

As I have previously mentioned, I've been giving the whole online dating thing a whirl and it's been quite an experience. For the most part, I have not been a fan of the whole thing. All of the guys who have contacted me have been far from my type. Some of them seem to be perfectly nice guys, just not what I'm looking for. On the other hand a large number of them have been disturbing.

I initially joined Match and was getting the craziest responses (for the most part). After about 2 months, my friend mentioned having success on Christian Mingle. I poked around on Christian Mingle, just to see how the sites compared. I got a few messages on CM and my curiosity took hold of me. I got a small membership just so I could read the emails. At the end of the day, the sites are the same. But the point is, I'm on two dating sites and I'm seeing no results on either one.

Now, some people are telling me to start giving them chances. I can see how you'd think that I'm being too picky or judgmental but I've "said yes" to a number of profiles that have been sent my way. The problem is, none of those guys have felt the same way.

I promise I'm not holding out for a hero (lol, how often do you get a chance to reference that 80s classic?). I'm not going to say yes to someone just because they message me (or wink or smile or whatever the lingo on the site is). I don't want to lead someone on in the name of getting more dating experience.

I'm waiting for these memberships to expire (still checking the sites regularly) and then I'm hanging up my online dating career. It works for some people, I just don't think I'm one of them. Now, I have no idea what (if anything) will work for me but I'm so over trying this option. I'm ready for the Internet to go back to its intended purpose: funny pictures of cats.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

It's Elementary

Today was my first day as an elementary school teacher. It was certainly different than high school! Not bad different, or good different...just different. I felt so unprepared. It was as though I was staring at these tiny faces with no idea what to say. What do children like? What do they say? Do they understand me? I don't think I have any answers to those questions.

I was missing my high school students and my Lafayette colleagues for sure! I've never started a school year with anyone else, so that was just one more new experience to add to the pile. And did I mention that my alarm didn't go off? I had it set for 5:45 am and at 6:07 I woke up to discover it had not gone off. I'm quite proud to report that I completed my entire morning ritual in 13 minutes. Well, I didn't shave my legs or straighten my hair...but that's still pretty freaking good.

One thing I'm definitely going to miss is the ability to use sarcasm. Sarcasm, as you know, is my bread and butter. I thrive on wit, cynicism, and all other things that are not appreciated by the 12 and under demographic.

Once I get a hang of it, I'm sure it will be easier! I'm also certain there are going to be plenty of things I will love about my new job (as well as some aspects I won't love, but that's standard with any job).

Another thing that will come from getting a better hang of teaching Spanish to elementary schoolers is that I'll be able to devote more brain power to the others areas of my life that I currently deem sub-par. Don't get me wrong, thanks to OCD I'm focusing in every deficiancy as much as I possibly can...but it just doesn't feel like enough. My ultimate goal is to be able to control all aspects of my life via hyper-vigilance and intense anxiety, but that might be a lofty (or "crazy") goal.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

I'll have the grilled chicken, hold the hate

I really don't want to get all wrapped up in this whole Chick-Fil-A drama, but I have to say something. The business major in me has no idea why the President of Chick-Fil-A made a public statement against same-sex marriage. You seem to be alienating a large market there and losing a lot of profit, but whatever. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion regarding gay marriage, but what upsets me is seeing how much hate there is in the world.

If you don't like gay marriage, then don't get one. I don't have a problem with same sex marriage because I detest the idea of someone not seeing their loved one who is dying in the hospital or being denied their survivor benefits because the government doesn't acknowledge their love.

There are so many more important things we could be focusing on. People around the world are starving, dying of cancer and AIDS. Thousands of children are falling prey to human trafficking. And what are we wasting our time with? The fact that sometimes men love men and women love women. Personally, that makes me feel like a giant d-bag. I think about my trip to Honduras, and the people I saw down there. I can't imagine telling them that I didn't have time to come down on another mission trip because I needed to stand outside a courthouse holding a sign about how much God hates gay people.

I saw a great status on Facebook earlier today. It said somthing like, "What if we cared about the homosexual community as much as we cared about our 'rights' and our chicken?" I really appreciated that status. Just stop the hate. That's not what Christianity is about and I'm sick and tired of being lumped in with a group of people who spew so much intolerance so often. And then I read this status that a friend shared. I do not know the person who wrote this orignally.

A (long and rambling) thought on Chick fil A day:

On Chick fil A Appreciation Day, or whatever we’re calling it, I have to ask myself where Jesus would be amongst all of this. While I would never presume to know anything for a fact, I have a suspicion that He wouldn’t be in the drive-thru line ordering a #1. Nor do I think He and the angels are rejoicing in heaven every time someone buys waffle fries to keep gay people from getting married. I think (again – personal opinion) He might be more concerned with us using the $5, $10, $15 we were going to spend on chicken to feed the 925 million people that go to bed hungry every single night.

Christians think that going to Chick fil A today is proving some sort of point. Honestly, the only point you’re proving is that the Church has created for itself a terrible public image – an image that presents Christians as more passionate about fueling oppression than fighting it. And while I agree that the Church should look different than the world, I think it’s an absolute travesty that this image prevents people, myself included, from wanting to walk through a church’s door every Sunday.

I wonder what it would look like if the Church (and people in general) got as frenzied about ending poverty as they are about Chick-fil-A’s stance on gay marriage. I wonder what the world would look today if people took that money they were going to spend on chicken and donated it to an organization that’s fighting to end hunger, homelessness and preventable suffering – the things that TRULY broke the heart of Christ.

So if you absolutely have to go to Chick fil A today – fine, so be it. But, at the very least, consider buying an extra sandwich for someone who wouldn’t have a meal today. Otherwise this “point” or “opinion” you’re supporting is completely devoid of love and, therefore, completely devoid of Christ.
The last thing I shall leave you with something that I never get tired of watching, Proposition 8: The Musical.

50 Shades of Vomit

For those of you who've been under a rock on Mars for the past few months, allow me to introduce you to the latest "literary" craze: The 50 Shades of Grey trilogy. Apparently, the first book started as Twilight fan fiction but was removed from the website due to the extremely adult content of the story. 50 Shades of Grey is described by Wikipedia as an erotic novel. Allow me to sum up the "novel" (I will explain the quotation marks later):
  • Girl interviews mysterious and sexy kajillionaire, Christian Grey. He is intrigued by her.
  • Other stuff happens, Grey ends up telling her that he wants to sleep with her but she needs to sign all these non-disclosure papers. He also shows her a room full of freak-a-leek sex toys and she doesn't run for the hills screaming.
  • He takes her virginity and apparently it's a really amazing--you know, like how most girls describe their first time.
  • They start up this sex-only relationship and he's all into bondage, sadism, and whatnot. So I guess they do some of this.
  • Towards the end of the book the girl wants a full glimpse into the whole BDSM lifestyle so, being the diehard romantic that he is, Grey beats the bejesus out of her with a belt.
  • That was apparently the straw that broke the silly girl's back and she leaves.
I have no idea what happens in the other books. But I guess she misses somebody treating her like crap and goes back to him or something and it takes two more books to sort the whole freaking thing out. It didn't take me long to figure out that I wasn't interested in reading this thing that is also being described as "mommy porn". Finally, this forgotten demographic gets their own porn.

After a few weeks, I had seen so much on Facebook and Pinterest about how great Christian Grey is and all these people want their own version of him, I have to admit that I was interested. Not to mention, several people had told me that they stopped reading because they were disgusted by the book. I couldn't imagine what was so inappropriate in this book that my non-squemish friends were on the verge of vomiting. Basically, the same thing happened with Twilight. I kept seeing all this stuff about Edward Cullen and I had to see what the fuss was all about. Long story not remotely short, I pulled out my Kindle and read the free sample.

The sample was from the very beginning of the book. It actually didn't include any of the explicit parts (oh darn), but I still felt like throwing up. The writing is so terrible that it makes me wonder about evolution going in reverse. Hence my use of quotations around words such as literary and novel. I really can't put into words how awful it is. I remember at one point, I read the word "beguiled" in back to back sentences. I guess somebody didn't want to read any of the other options offered by the Thesaurus. It reads as though it were written by a junior high girl who probably needs to seek counseling. No offense, junior high girls. Actually, you probably write better than E.L. James. Explicit content aside, I couldn't read this book if I wanted to. I made a new year's resolution to not read things that suck, and I'm determined to stick with it.

Enough about the atrocious writing--let's talk about disturbing subject matter! I cannot imagine why any woman would want to read about another woman being victimized like this. And on top of that, pining for this character who views women as objects really baffles me. As previously stated, I know nothing about the other two books. Maybe they have a come to Jesus moment and seek couples counseling and live happily ever after...but I don't think so.

I will admit that I love some procedural dramas such as Law & Order: SVU and CSI. Both of those shows deal with sensitive subject matter and I could see how some people might not see a difference between those shows and these books. But the shows I watch focus on eliminating this behavior, not condoning it.

Finally, I wonder what the women panting over Christian Grey think about men viewing pornography? Are they against it? What makes this trilogy more upstanding than Playboy or Girls Gone Wild? In my mind, nothing. If it's ok for a woman to fantasize about someone, it's ok for a man to do the same thing.

So read the book, don't read the book--it's up to you. But stop filling up my newsfeed with creepy posts about it.

Space Race

Was there some rich white guy meeting that we didn't know about where they all secretly decided to get super interested in space all of ...