Saturday, February 27, 2010

Stand Up Dreams

People are always telling me that I should do stand-up comedy...and maybe I will someday. The other night, I was in that state of half-sleep where I started planning things. For whatever reason, I was planning my set list for my stand-up routine.

I decided to talk about the kiosks at the mall. I'm sure I've mentioned my distaste for these businesses before. When I go to the mall, the kiosks can literally determine what store I enter through and what stores I go to. If I'm not in the mood to fake being busy, then I guess I can't go outside of Macy's because I can't handle the kiosks. I don't care about sea salt skin scrubs (despite my love for alliteration), hair straighteners or eyebrow threading. The kiosks rarely house businesses that interest me.

On one of my snow days, I decided to go to the mall...and I decided to do it right. This meant, actually venturing out of Macy's and visiting other stores. When it came time to walk past the kiosks, I decided to pull my patented "Oh I'm talking on my phone so I can't talk to you about whatever you're trying to sell" routine. I put my phone to my ear and that's when I ran into a problem. In addition to hating kiosks, I hate talking on the phone. I rarely do it--I'm more of a texter. Someone who is a habitual phone talker has no problem faking a call...someone like me, is faced with an inability to have a fake conversation. Basically, I was walking by these kiosks just nodding and making faces while holding my phone to my ear. I was going for either listening to the other person talk or checking voicemail; but I'm pretty sure I just looked insane. I will say that no one at the kiosks talked to me...so that's a win.

The rest of my dream included my illustrious career as a stand-up comedian. I performed at an open mic night, but the audience was packed with virtually everyone I knew...so I was fairly successful. And then they asked me to come back and perform more often. And before I knew it, I was opening for other comedians that came to Comedy Off Broadway. So I was a teacher by day, and a comedian by night. And my students' parents would come to my shows and be like, "she teaches my kid Spanish!" It was odd...and then I woke up, so I'm not entirely certain where my career went after that. But I'm fairly certain I got to meet Jon Stewart and Tina Fey...another win.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

I'm Not Growing in Popularity

So...I had another comment post from the Anonymous Asian. This time, in English. It seemed cryptic and I couldn't tell if it was a compliment or an insult. During today's snow day, I was showing the comment to my friend Amy. She noticed something that I had yet to notice...there was a link embedded in the comment. "Why don't you click on that?" she suggested.

Oh, and click we did. Asian fetish porn. Yep. We both started screaming and I closed the window stat. I guess it all makes sense now...why else would a random person be writing on my blog in Chinese? Needless to say, I've deleted the comments. Look for your own porn, I'm not your middle man.

I'm sad that I'm not impressing a variety of nationalities...but there is a silver lining to this situation: we clicked on the link on Amy's computer, so there's no Asian fetish porn in my Internet History.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

New Background

Have you noticed the changes to the blog? If not...you should re-examine your observational skills. I was getting bored with my old background...so I just spent the past God only knows how long looking for a new background. The problem is, most of the backgrounds out there suck. They're all girly with hearts and quotes about friendship and love. I'm not interested in anything like that.

And the ones I found that I did like, wouldn't work for me. So let me know if you like the new look or not. I can always go back to the way it was.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Legends of the Hidden Temple

I've already forgotten what brought about this conversation...mainly because it happened several weeks ago and I'm only now finding the time to blog about it--but I have decided to purchase the set of Legends of the Hidden Temple. If you don't know what that is, you can either stop reading my blog or visit the link and educate yourself. Or I will tell you about the show right now.

Legends of the Hidden Temple was an awesome kids' game show. There was questions to be answered and physical challenges to be undertaken. Basically it was the definition of amazing. The game started out with 6 teams: Blue Barracudas, Green Monkeys, Silver Snakes, Purple Parrots, Red Jaguars and Orange Iguanas. And now, thanks to this site, you can buy team shirts just like the ones on the show. If you buy 5 you get the 6th free. And it just so happens that your favorite blogger's birthday is 1 month from yesterday. Coughcoughsizelargecoughcough.

The first challenge was to cross a moat, and that knocked 2 teams out right away. Then there were the steps of knowledge, which knocked out another 2 teams. And the remaining teams got to play the temple games and run through Olmec's temple and find whatever artifact they were learning about on that episode. However, the temple guards could jump out, scare the living bejesus out of them and screw up the retrieval of said artifact. If you haven't realized this show is great, please stop reading.

Why am I buying this show? Well, I think it started with what we would do with lots of money or something. And honestly, how much could the set cost? Seven...eight dollars? I totally have that...if they'll take a check. My original plan was just to purchase the set (costumes included) and have my friends over to play. We could take turns being the host, temple guards, and contestants...possibly even the voice of Olmec. But, as it just so happens, my friend Amy plans on becoming Vice President of East Coast Television and Microwave Oven Programming. She's prepared to air the new version of Legends on NBC (along with the reality/talent show to find her a husband which includes tasks such as folding a fitted sheet). Amy and I have recently decided to add the Sepia Sloths to the team line-up...mainly so we can have 1 shirt for each day of the week. That, and Sepia Sloths is the most awesome name I've ever heard.

Now you know the plan. Tell me it's not the most awesome thing you've ever heard in your life. Go ahead, tell me. Oh, what's that? You can't tell me? You can't tell me because this IS the most awesome thing ever? That's right.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

What's the Chinese word for Interesante?

Something very interesante happened to me the other day. I was checking my recent posts to see if I had any comments on anything I've written. It doesn't happen a lot, because you apparently have to set up an account and it's a bit of a pain. Usually people just tell me in person or write it on Facebook or something. Which I'll admit, sucks a little bit because I like to see the comments on the blog. It's proof that people are reading it. And I loves me some proof.

Anyway, I was checking out my posts and saw that I did have one comment. I figured it was someone telling me, "Finally, you're writing again because you've been a really shitty blogger as of late," or something to that effect. But no. I saw this:
 
Naturally, I had no idea what it said. So I clicked on the person's name, which took me to their profile. Of course, it is also completely Chinese so it was of no help. Knowing what this said became of utmost importance to me. What if it was something mean or stupid? That is my theory on Asian character tattoos--they just tell us it says "peace" but really it says, "moron" or something. I'm ashamed to say that the following realization took me several days, but here it is: my brother knows an inordinate number of Asians. It's a bit of an ongoing joke, being as almost all the girls he has dated have been Asian. All in good fun of course, because they have all been lovely girls. I also remembered a Facebook post in which he mentioned not getting any sleep, so I sent him this message:
So apparently, you aren't sleeping. Do me a favor. Check out the comment that was on my blog post...and I clearly can't read it. Please access your many Asian resources to decipher it.
And he responded (at 4:26 AM). I wasn't sure whether or not the message was Chinese, Japanese or what. Apparently, it's Chinese, because his girlfriend (from China) decoded the comment. It says, "Life is full of ups and downs but you have to keep your head up." What a lovely anonymous Chinese note!

I still wonder how this person stumbled across my blog. I want to know about them (and any subsequent fans around the world). So, to that person I say, whatever the Chinese phrase for "Thanks and welcome to my blog," is.