I'm Not a Player I Just Crush A Lot...or not

2008 has been the year of the crush for me. I have had like, 2. That might not sound like a big deal to some, but it is rare for me to have even one so 2 is practically unprecedented! Don't get me wrong, I think plenty of guys are cute but the tendency to fixate on any one particular guy isn't generally my style (which is odd, given my ease of addiction).

On those rare (or this year, not so rare) occasions that I find myself with a crush I am reminded of how nice it is to not have one. Frankly it's irritating and it throws off my whole thought process. There I am, just thinking about something super important and who decides to bust all up in my brain? Old whatshisname.

Take today for example: I was walking around the mall wondering whether or not the women in maternity clothing ads are actually pregnant or if it's one of those fake stomachs like in the movies. *And yes, in my book this does qualify as "something super important."* Clearly, this is an issue that one could devote a significant amount of time to. Actually, cancel that. You can't devote any time to it at all, because now you're thinking about some guy.

And what's worse is that it's not like he's doing anything entertaining. It would be a whole different story if he showed up and did a funny dance or told some jokes or something. But he doesn't; he just hangs out. So on top of being distracted, you're bored. He's like that Microsoft Word Paper Clip, loitering inside your brain. But even the Paper Clip does little tricks.

Perhaps I'm the only one with the kind of time to sit around and wait for the Paper Clip to make a move, so take my word for it, he does! I just opened up a document to watch the Paper Clip and list off some of his amusing tricks, but he wasn't there! Naturally, I opened up the help section and did a search for "paper clip." As it turns out, as a part of the Microsoft re-design, the assistant was eliminated! Damn you, Vista! Why must you ruin everything good in life? I think that I feel about Vista, the way Michael Scott feels about Toby. In my search for a photo of Clippy, I have discovered that he was hated by many people. Probably busy people. People with real, live human office assistants. People with more important things to do than be amused by a cartoon office supply. I can't decide whether I'm sad for them or sad for me. Hmmm, I'll go with them. My ability to be amused by the smallest things will always amuse me (shocking). See, these are the super awesome thoughts I'm talking about! I could think about this for hours...if crushes would stop interrupting me.

This had better be happening to guys, too. I mean, if I start surveying guys about this issue and find out otherwise I am going to be super pissed. Well, I'll be super pissed for a short window of time until I am then distracted against my will.

Supposably

In the Friends episode, "The One Where Heckles Dies," it is discovered that Chandler breaks up with women for the strangest reasons.

Monica: So how was Joan?
Chandler: I broke up with her.
Ross: Oh why?... don't tell me, because of the huge nostril thing?
Chandler: They were huge. When she sneezed, bats flew out of them.
Rachel: Come on, they were not that huge.
Chandler: I'm tellin' you, she leaned back, I could see her brain.
Phoebe: You name one woman that you broke up with for a real reason.
Chandler: Maureen Rosilla.
Ross: Because she doesn't hate Yanni is not a real reason.

Chandler also realizes that he may be missing out on happiness because he's so picky.

"Look at this. Pictures of all the women that Heckles went out with. Look what he wrote on them. "Vivian, too tall. Madge, big gums. Too loud, too smart, makes noise when she eats." This is, this is me. This is what I do. I'm gonna end up alone, just like he did...What if I never find someone? Or worse, what if I've found her, but I dumped her because she pronounced it supposably?" ~Chandler

Every time I watch that episode I start to think about all the little things that bother me. There are a lot of minor character flaws which can be deal-breakers in my book.

Now, I've been compiling this list for a few weeks now, and I think it's starting to shape up nicely. I do have some friends who possess some of these qualities; odds are I didn't learn about these traits until I hadalready invested time in the relationship and was unwilling to give it up. Or they have another super awesome characteristic which outweighs the annoying one. Let's say I just meet someone and I discover that they consider Nickelback to be one of the greatest bands of all time; they will need to prove to me (sooner rather than later) that they have redeeming qualities to be taken into consideration. You should take it as a compliment if you read a quality of yourself in this list and we are still friends.

The entire concept behind this post reminds me of a childhood memory: I was probably 6 or 7 (if that) I think I was having a hard time getting to sleep so, naturally, I wanted to be productive. That's when I decided I should make a list of all the people hated/disliked. I don't know why I did this...did I detest so many people that I couldn't keep them straight and needed a point of reference in case I encountered them on the street? It's possible. When I'd made significanct progress, I decided to show my mom what I'd been doing. I expected her to be proud of me and my ingenius plan; she was not. Apparently, it's not nice to make a list of people you can't stand. It's not like I was going to show it to them...or maybe I was, I don't remember. Either way, I don't see how my list is all that different than Santa's.

1. Really liking Nickelback. This forces me to question your taste in general. They have a few OK songs, but when you get right down to it they all sound exactly the same. I don't mind if you like them a little, but if you think they are the greatest thing since sliced bread...we probably can't be friends.
2. Not liking The Simpsons. Seriously, what's wrong with you? I understand that many of us were not allowed to watch the program growing up so you may never have been exposed to this animated treat, but to not like it is simply crazy. I don't care who you are, that show is funny!
3. Preferring Family Guy over The Simpsons. I'll be honest, I question anyone who likes Family Guy in general. Maybe not the first couple of seasons where it was actually funny, but now it sucks and if you can't see that then I can't help you. When Family Guy isn't making pop culture references that are not remotely connected to the "plot" of the show, they are either copying The Simpsons or just trying to go too far for shock value.
4. Being adamently opposed to Facebook. Get on the trolley, people. Facebook saves lives. Well, not really, but it is pretty great. It's keeps you so well connected with people. If I'm trying to plan a party, I can just make an event on Facebook with all the information and send out invitations. But if there's one person who's not on Facebook I have to do all these extra things just because they have to be difficult. I might just give up on inviting them all together.
5. People who don't watch TV. I made a note to write about these people and a few days later I went to see Jim Gaffigan and he made a joke about them, too which solidified my need to call them out. Perhaps you haven't noticed, TV is awesome. If I'm around someone who doesn't watch TV, I feel like they are judging me and they think I'm stupid--and I don't need that.
6. People who call Wal-Mart "Wally World." First of all, I don't like Wal-Mart. I can probably count on one hand the number of times I've been there in the last 6 months; I hate everything about it. Even before I hated Wal-Mart, I hated people calling it Wally World. I can't pinpoint a particular reason either. All I know is that hearing someone say those 2 words is like listening to someone chew gum with their mouth open (or any other mouth noise, another pet peeve of mine).
7. Liking cats. Have these people not met cats? I have yet to find a trait in cats that makes up for everything else they do. I don't like an animal that thinks it's better than me. Also, people who like cats often seem to go overboard and become crazy cat ladies. *I will admit, I am friends with cat owners...but I am not friends with their cats.*
8. Grown women who have the handwriting of a 13-year-old girl. For quite some time, I was unaware that this was an epidemic sweeping our nation. 99% of us [girls] went through that phase in middle school where you tried to write super cute and bubbly, perhaps using hearts for punctuation. To this day I couldn't tell you why we did this. I can, however, tell you that most of us reached a point (post-junior high) in which we decided to stop. But there are a select few women out there whose handwriting looks like it belongs on a cleverly folded note to their BFF.
9. Refusal to travel outside of the country. To me, this falls under the category of ignorance. People who think America is so great that they don't need to go anywhere else. An unwillingness to experience things outside your comfort zone is one of the saddest possible character traits.
10. Mouth noises. As briefly stated in my Wally World comment, all mouth noises bother me. You know how Superman could hear people calling for help from a million miles away? I can do that too, only I hear mouth noises. It bothers me to hear myself chewing (mainly because I assume it's bothering other people). Interestingly enough, I'm not bothered by the sound of people making out. Although I should mention that one of the people has to be me. And even then it's not that I can't hear it, it's just I've got more important business to attend to.

There are actually more items on this list but I've decided to hold off because some of them could easily fall into other lists or because they are not minor character traits but actually big faults (like being a Republican...just kidding, sort of). But please enjoy this teaser of future blog topics:

• People who write poetry, and then want me to read it. (My worst nightmare).
• Highly over-rated things (Including but not limited to: Coldplay, U2, DMB, Panera, Chick-Fil-A)
• Family picture Christmas cards (Unless they are of dogs in antlers or Santa hats or something)

Coupling

One of my favorite movies of all time is When Harry Met Sally, in addition to being a fabulous story it's full of great quotes! For example:

"You guys were a couple. You had someone to go places with. You had a date on national holidays!" ~Marie (Carrie Fisher)

Another great thing about that movie is that it is so applicable to everyday life. Holidays are a tricky time to be single (as opposed to the rest of the year when being alone is lovely and pleasant). First there are the parties; have you ever shown up at a party only discover that you're one of the only single people there? Well if you haven't, trust me when I say that it's exactly as awesome as it sounds. Then there are things like mistletoe and New Year's Eve (midnight can be a bit awkward when everyone but you is kissing). And the passing of Christmas and the New Year can only mean one thing: Valentine's Day.

Today I worked in the floral department and had to sit in on a conference call. Although I was trying not to pay attention I did happen to catch the reminder that we will soon begin receiving Valentine's Day products. Ugh.

I don't have anything against Valentine's Day; I can't stand those people who talk about it being nothing more than a creation of the greeting card industry or call it something like "Singles Awareness Day." I think it's a perfectly fine holiday, if you have someone. And that's a big if. Normally I don't let anything about Valentine's Day bother me, but last year I helped out in the floral department since it was such a busy time. If you think being alone on Valentine's Day is rough, try being alone on Valentine's Day while making dozens of floral arrangements for people who are in love. Granted, there are a lot of things I haven't experienced yet but it's going to be hard to top that.

The realization that I will most likely be spending another Valentine's Day exactly the same way was less than thrilling. Granted, I could get a new [good] job or start dating someone before then. Hell, I could do both. But the odds of me doing neither are pretty good.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

You know the song Winter Wonderland? There's a line in the song which used to confuse me when I was younger. I always thought that "later on we'll conspire, as we dream by the fire," was "later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire." I mean, they were sitting by a fire, it makes sense that people might sweat. Also, I don't think I knew what conspire meant. That story had no real purpose, other than to serve as an opening for my holiday posting.

I've had a hard time coming up with Christmas presents this year. I don't know what to get anyone, and I don't even feel like trying. The one gift I did come up with was perfect--it was for my brother, but it fell through. Both Lexington stores were out of the monkey butler statue. I called every store in Kentucky, and finally found 1 remaining statue--however, by that time the sale was over and it was too expensive. And if you're wondering why I was getting my brother a monkey butler statue, I suggest you watch an episode from season 9 of The Simpsons, known as "Das Bus."

In my refusal to give up, the search for a monkey butler took me to the Dish Barn. I figured a monkey butler is pretty tacky and so is the Dish Barn. Well, they didn't have any monkey butlers but they did have Confederate flags and a piggy bank in the shape of an outhouse that said "Hillbilly Outhouse." First of all, isn't it nice that in this day and age we can still buy Confederate flags? No, no it isn't nice. And secondly, isn't the phrase "hillbilly outhouse" a bit redundant? Are there chic, metropolitan outhouses used by the rich and famous out there that I don't know about?

On my way home from the glorious Dish Barn, I saw a sign advertising guns and live bait. That's right, guns and live bait--together at last! That's when I realized I live in a glorious state with fabulous items for purchase. If only my friends and family needed or wanted weapons and live bait.

On top of those troubles, I've been invited to an Ugly Christmas Sweater party and I don't have an ugly Christmas sweater. I forced myself to go into Wal-Mart and search for one, but it was in vain. I did, however, see several women wearing ugly sweaters. I debated following them around until they led me to their secret ugly sweater store or maybe just explaining my situation and asking if I could borrow their sweater.