Tuesday, December 28, 2010

I've Been Thinking

I've come up with some fantastic ideas over the break and I thought I'd share them.
  1. Valentine's Day: Instead of people who are in couples getting presents on Valentine's Day, those people now have to give presents to single people. The single people are the ones who have it so hard; we're the ones who deserve presents. Not to mention it would help put an end to bad relationships. So many people stay in relationships just so they have someone...but if you got a present to end your bad relationship, you'd do it.
  2. Confrontation: Most people hate confrontation. I, on the other hand, love it. So, I'm thinking that I'll create a business in which people will hire me to take care of their confrontations for them. Think of how fast I'll pay off my student loans!
I know I thought of other stuff but I can't think of it right now.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Must-See Christmas Movies

I think we've established my love for TV and movies. I'm also a creature of habit. I have certain movies that I enjoy watching at certain times. For example, I enjoy watching CSI when the weather is gross. My list of must-see Christmas movies keeps growing and growing so I thought I'd share it with you. If you haven't seen some of these, get on it!
  1. A Muppet's Christmas Carol. This is my absolute favorite version of the classic tale and I absolutely HAVE to watch it every Christmas Eve.
  2. A Christmas Story. I feel that this is implied. Everyone needs to watch this on Christmas Eve, too.
  3. Christmas Vacation. Does it get any better than Randy Quaid in that rusted out RV?
  4. The Holiday. Romantic comedies that have come out over the past few years have been rather lackluster, but this one was fabulous! I first saw it in Spain while I was waiting to come home from my semester abroad, so it's got even more special meaning for me.
  5. Home Alone. Bumbling burglers thwarted by an obnoxious kid? What's not to love?
  6. Love Actually. I could sit and quote this movie all day long. I LOVE it.
  7. How the Grinch Stole Christmas. I need to specify that I mean the cartoon version, not the creepy live-action one.
  8. A Charlie Brown Christmas. It's worth it just to watch Snoopy do his little dance.
  9. It's Christmastime Again, Charlie Brown. I like this one much better than the original Charlie Brown Christmas movie.
  10. Rent. It's not really about Christmas, but much of the story takes place at Christmas and it's wonderful.
  11. Die Hard. An unlikely Christmas classic, nonetheless, here it is.
  12. You've Got Mail. Another movie that takes place at Christmastime but is not specifically about the holiday.
  13. Jingle All the Way. Oh, Arnold. Oh, Sinbad. That's all I have to say about that. 
Please note that It's a Wonderful Life is not on this list. I hate that movie.
I don't know if I was happier when, um, George Bailey destroyed the family business, or, um, Donna Reid cried, or when the mean pharmacist made his ear bleed. I didn't watch the ending, I was too depressed. It just kept getting worse and worse. It should have been called, "It's a sucky life and just when you think it can't suck any more it does." ~Phoebe Buffay, Friends "The One Where Old Yeller Dies"

Monday, December 13, 2010

Apostrophes

I saw this in the mall parking lot the other day. Number one, I hate these family window clings. Number two, I don't understand the apostrophe.
I've always considered myself to be a Grammar Nazi. I can understand when people make grammatical errors, but I get really irritated when the error has theoretically gone through some official channels of business. At some point in the creation of this irritating window cling, you'd think that someone would've said, "Hmmm. What's up with that apostrophe? Are the Jones in possession of something? Is the name Jones some sort of contraction that the world is unaware of?"

Maybe everyone needs to see this article: How to Use Apostrophes.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

A Few of My Least Favorite Things

I can't believe I forgot to tell y'all about coming home to find Amy Jo watching Sarah Palin's Alaska about a month ago. "Are you watching...Sarah Palin?" I asked. "I'm watching it for Alaska," replied Amy Jo. Long story short, I've had to set up a series recording on the DVR for this show. While I don't like Sarah Palin's politics and have recurring nightmares about her ever having been in charge of any body of government, I've always believed that she seems like a nice lady and a good mom. I will admit that the Alaska scenery is breathtakingly beautiful, but the show itself might be the most boring thing since Lawrence Welk. Allow me to sum up almost every episode of the show:

Sarah's folksy and mysteriously Minnesota-esque accent welcomes us to each episode, "Blah blah blah, Alaska. Other stuff and I like Alaska."

Cut to theme song, sung by Three Doors Down I believe.

Our scene opens on the Palin household...

Sarah: Life in Alaska is different than life in the lower 48. No one other than Alaskans understands anything about Alaska. See, in Alaska we use these things called forks and breathe oxygen. Sure, these things sound like typical activities for everyone but no one else appreciates it because they don't live in Alaska.

Montage of beautiful scenery.

Sarah: Today, just like every other day, we're doing something involving salmon and guns. And to get to wherever we're going, we'll be taking either a helicopter, one of those planes that can land on water or a giant RV. Cars? We don't need no stinkin' cars. We have to make sure this trip is special for Bristol because she's had such a tough year.

The Palins are now divided between Todd's boat and Track's boat in Bristol Bay.

Todd: Alright, let's get all these salmon out of the nets!
Sarah: See, in Alaska our idea of fun is working together as a family. It's like Little House on the Prarie, but somehow less exciting. We should get a bus and start a family band!
Piper: Hey, let's make a game out of this work! We can see whose boat can get the most salmon. Me, Mom, Dad and Willow versus Track and his mono-syllabic friends. Bristol and Tripp can be the judges.
Track: Um, I don't like it when people try to compare me to my dad. Also, I'm rarely on this show so people tend to forget I exist.
Sarah: Wholesome family fun, just like the good old days!
Bristol: Mom, you have prom hair.

The Palins clear their nets of all the delicious salmon.

Sarah: Well, Track and his friends won the contest but we all had lots of fun. That's the thing about Alaska, kids don't need fancy videogame whatchamacallits and texting dealies. Kids just need good, supervised fun. Gee, I'm chilly, where is my NRA hoodie?

The Palin family watches the sun set over Bristol Bay. The end.
Apparently, an upcoming episode involves Kate Gosselin and her 8 kids. They're coming up to Alaska to go camping with Sarah and her family. I suspect Sarah is going to have to protect those naive non-Alaskans from the harsh wilderness. Ohhhh, excitement.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Listen Up, A&E

I'm a pretty big fan of a number of the shows on A&E. The other day I was thinking about how so many of the shows could merge together and form gigantic super shows. For example, let's say that someone was addicted to shopping. That person could go on Intervention to take care of the addiction. While they're intervening, they discover that the person is hoarding all the stuff they buy. Enter, Hoarders. As Dr. Robin Zasio and Matt Paxton are helping with the hoarding, they discover this person has multiple storage units that they can no longer pay for. So then we have to call up the people over at Storage Wars. And finally, the post-hoard house is all gross and infested with bugs so then Billy the Exterminator has to come in and take care of business. I've come up with other combinations as well.

So what I'm saying, people at A&E, is that I could be a very valuable resource to you. I'm more than happy to provide you with multiple other pitches...I am going to have to get to meet Dr. Robin Zasio and Matt Paxton before I give away all my secrets though.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Do I Look Stupid, Glee?

While I would never classify myself as a "gleek" (mainly because that is the dumbest word ever) I will say that I enjoyed watching Glee last year. The plot was always kind of ridiculous, but so are the plots to most musicals. The main thing was that the songs were good--so good that I could stomach some of the silliness in order to get to the songs. The ends justified the means. I was all excited for this season to start back up...apparently, I shouldn't have been excited.

If anyone reading this watches Glee, you know that the plot lines have gone from silly to balls-to-the-wall moronic. I don't care for having my intelligence insulted on a weekly basis. The songs are still good, but I can't handle watching everything that happens in between the songs. I feel embarrassed when I watch Glee...like I need to have the doors locked, ready to change channels when someone comes in. I felt a similar feeling when I was waiting for my dentist appointment a few weeks ago, being forced to watch Disney Channel's Life on Deck.

As I'm sure you're aware, I love TV. I don't make this decision to stop watching Glee lightly. Once I'm invested in a show, I try to see it through. For example, I'm still watching The Office despite the fact that it hasn't been consistently good in several years. Now, if The Office doesn't call it quits after Steve Carrell leaves, I'm done. But I suppose that's another post for another day.

Who knew that a show could jump the shark by the second season? In a way, that's a bit impressive. But not impressive enough for me to keep watching.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Better Late than Never

Let me go ahead and tell you something I'm super pumped about. My friends Laurel and Justy recently got engaged and I am so excited for them...however, that is not the truly exciting news. When they announced the engagement, I raised my hand and called dibs on being the flower girl. This is not the first time I've done this either. I have no shame. Most people think I'm joking, but there is always some seriousness in my request.

I never got to be a flower girl as a child. I had so many friends who'd gotten to be flower girls and I was always jealous of them. It probably goes back to the fact that I don't like it when other people have things or do things that I don't have or do. One of my more endearing qualities. I assumed that Laurel would join the ranks with everyone else who has not taken my request seriously. Well buddy, I was wrong.

That's right. About 2 days later, I got the official request to be her flower girl. You're now reading the blog of a future 26 year old flower girl (I should point out that I'm older than both the bride and groom). If you don't think that's awesome, you need awesome lessons.

I'm bringing everything to this ceremony that a more "traditional" flower girl can't:
  1. Even flower petal distribution.
  2. Actually remembering to throw the flowers.
  3. Not bursting into tears, sitting down in the aisle, etc. (basically any and all shenanigans)
  4. Not stealing focus
  5. No bedtime (how many flower girls can party all night?)
  6. No bitchy, over-controlling mother (Amy Jo is pretty chill)
  7. No pesky child labor laws
  8. The ability to assist in all sorts of other areas: bridal showers, bachelorette parties, alcohol and tobacco purchasing, car rental, voting, carpet shampooer rental, lotto ticket purchases, R-rated movie ticket responsibility
  9. Ability to perform the ceremony if need be, thanks to my online ordination certificate. (True story...I should really try and find where I put that certificate).
  10. Spanish translation abilities (something most weddings need)
  11. AAA membership (that's just always a handy thing to have)
  12. Black Belt (in case ninjas attack the ceremony)
  13. Massive wealth of pop culture knowledge to fill any conversational lulls at wedding-related events
  14. Enough brilliant music selections to keep the reception going for hours (Britney Spears, Spice Girls, any and all boy bands, etc.)
  15. An adorable dog who will eat the flower petals I drop (can you say immediate clean up?)
  16. Knowledge of the choreography of Michael Jackson's Thriller, in case the guests demand a show
  17. Access to high school students who would do any and all wedding tasks (decorating, clean-up, valet parking, serving, etc.) for free in exchange for As in Spanish class
  18. Hilarity (what if the ceremony is running late and I need to entertain the crowd?)
  19. I'm actually old enough to appreciate and remember the honor I will be receiving
  20. Awesomeness
There are probably 1,000 more reasons I'm the perfect choice, but I don't have time to list them all. 8 year old me feels so vindicated right now.

Friday, November 12, 2010

19 Kids--Please stop counting!

Now, it's not in my nature to pass judgement on people I don't know...oh wait, I must be thinking about someone else's nature. I have a blog, thus I not only enjoy passing judgement on others I feel strongly that other people will enjoy my judgements. This past Thursday I was attending a Professional Development course on something technological. I got there early so I started playing on the computer.

I don't typically have time to read the blurbs on news home pages...and by don't have the time, I mean I have important FaceStalking to do. But I had nothing to do waiting for this thing to start, so I perused the headlines and one caught my eye. It was about the Duggars. Amy Jo and I do not care for the Duggars, despite never having watched their show (currently called 19 Kids & Counting, but previously known as 18 Kids & Counting, and 17 Kids & Counting before that). I guess if you're the type of lazy parents who only have 16 kids, you're pretty SOL when it comes to reality TV.

I have a lot of issues with this family. I'm going to completely side-step the issue that the man's name is Jim Bob. Every one of their kids' names starts with the letter J. I find that obnoxious. I don't care for it when parents of normal sized families do it ("and here are our kids, Rachel, Ryan and Rebecca"). I don't understand the need for some sort of gimmick with children. Is it an attempt to reuse monogrammed items? I don't know and I don't want to know.

Also, who needs to have that many kids? I'm not remotely down with what I know of childbirth, I can't imagine what kind of person elects to do that 19 times. I appreciate the desire for a big family (although this family's size is ridiculous), but why not do as Travie McCoy instructed us in Billionaire, "pull an Angelina and Brad Pitt and adopt a bunch of babies who ain't never had shit"?

Here's Amy Jo's big thing with these people: our planet is severely overpopulated (you should watch her reaction when people try to dispute this...or have her retell you a scenario in which this happened) and there are plenty of children out there who need to be adopted and there are all these people just cranking more out babies like Model T's on a Ford Assembly Line. I would like to claim ownership for that similie, that was all me. She thinks that people should have two kids and adopt if they want more. All in all, I think it's a solid plan.

I'm with her on the overpopulation and the thousands of children who need to be adopted out there, but I'm also terrified that this woman would put her life and the life of her baby at risk time and time again with these pregnancies. There comes a certain point at which it is more and more dangerous for a woman to have children; there are health risks both physical and mental/developmental. I'm surprised they have a doctor who advises her to keep going.

I could go on and on, but that's not even the point of my post! In addition to reading the article (which was actually about their oldest son and his wife now expecting their second child) I also read the comments. I always do, because they crack me up. I thought, "Oh man, there are going to be some awesome comments about these lunatics!" Ummm, let's talk about the number of people who commented in defense of the Duggars. Is this country full of people who think having this many children is acceptable or admirable?

I don't even have a way to end this post because I'm still shocked that so many people thought it was completely fine for a couple to just keep having babies and that anyone who thought otherwise was a "Hitler Nazi". That was an actual term used by one of the pro-Duggars, "no more than 2 kids? you must be a Hitler Nazi/" What does that even mean? Like there's some other branch of Nazism, not affiliated with Hitler? Or that there are levels of Hitlerism that will affect our standing on Judgement Day? "Well, I'm no saint but I'm not a Hitler Nazi either...at best, I'm a Manson Nazi or Son of Sam Nazi. No biggie."

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

If You Can Find a Faker Pork Sandwich, I'd Like to Hear It

Amy Jo and I were on our way to dinner the other night, listening to NPR. We heard a story about the McRib Sandwich, quite possibly McDonald's most questionable menu item. Basically, the McRib is not a standard menu item--despite the numerous Facebook groups in favor of the possibility of a year-round McRib. The McRib will once again be available starting November 2, 2010. So we're listening to this story, all the while wondering how people could want to eat this sandwich, when I begin telling Amy Jo about how they spoofed the McRib on The Simpsons (of course) in an episode called I'm Spelling as Fast as I Can (season 14).

Krusty Burger gets a sandwich called the Ribwich and, naturally, Homer loves it. Sadly, like its real world counterpart, the Ribwich is available for a limited time only. Homer hooks up with some people who follow the Ribwich around the country, just so they can eat it. Also, Lisa is in a spelling bee.

Almost immediately after I finished summarizing the episode for Amy Jo, NPR did the same thing. They even had a sound byte. So the first observation is that I could work for NPR. I wouldn't interview people, I'd just reference popular culture.

The really interesting thing we learned from this report was that there is a website called McRib Locator. One day, a meteorologist realized he could apply the same principles he uses to track the weather in tracking the McRib sandwich across this great nation of ours. Also, he has driven 10 hours just to get a McRib.

Now, I don't like the McRib (although I've never tried one--it just doesn't seem like something I'd be interested in), but I was oddly excited to hear about this website. I guess it just makes me happy when people devote portions of their lives to oddities.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Who Are You? Who? Who? Who? Who?

It's 7: 32 a.m. and Lola and I have been up for an hour now. What a fantastic way to start your Saturday...am I right? Not to mention that Lola is now asleep at my feet. At least it's finally starting to get light outside, now I don't have to be so scared. Why am I scared? Well, the most recent episode of CSI scared the bejesus out of me.

I started watching CSI in high school, when my friend LeighAnn told me about a specific episode (I now know it to be titled, Cats in the Cradle). This episode features an old lady found murdered in her home full of cats. Long story short, the little girl across the street is responsible for the murder. The old lady wouldn't give them one of her cats so this little kid stabs her with a pen. And then her sister rats her out and the guilty girl says, "Tattletales go to hell." That's messed up. Just messed up enough to be awesome.

Sadly, CSI and I had to take a break. When my dad first moved to Indiana, he kept his house here in Kentucky. I lived at that house alone. I had to stop watching a lot of my favorite shows: CSI, Law & Order SVU, etc. I couldn't even watch reruns or DVDs I owned. You see, sometimes my imagination can get the better of me...for example if I'm watching a crime show and they don't catch the killer by the end of the episode, then he's probably outside in my backyard. If you ask me, that makes perfect sense. I couldn't even watch certain previews for scary movies. I'm pretty sure I've previously written about the preview for The Others haunting my dreams; I tried to find the post to put a link in, but I can't.

Now that I'm living with Amy Jo again, CSI is back in my life. Our Thursday nights are pretty jam-packed with TV shows (Big Bang Theory, Community, 30 Rock, CSI, Parks and Rec, Jersey Shore, The Office*). The Office has an astrik because at this point we could take it or leave it--seriously, when was the last time that show was as funny as it used to be? If you're aware of the air-times and networks for these shows, you see that we can't watch all of them when they originally air. So we DVR them. Our problem this year (after adding CSI back into the line-up) is that the DVR can't record all these things and let us watch something at the same time. Side bar: I feel like I'm singing my own verse in the classic song, White People Problems. Sometimes we have been known to change our viewing location throughout the night--using different TVs at different time so as to not disturb the DVR; but that gets tiring. Mostly we just wait and watch everything at our convenience, sans commercials. Last night we got caught up on this week's programming, including CSI.

Holy crap. This may be the most frightening CSI I've ever seen. I mean, the one with the doctor performing sex change operations in a storage unit was unsettling, but I'm legit terrified of this bad guy. Just look at this image from the episode:
The killer wears an all black latex suit and creeps hard core on these people--he lives in their house and spies on them and then he attacks them, but doesn't kill them the first time. You see, they're all well-known (and liked) people in the community. But apparently they all have secrets so he wants them to confess or he kills them. I don't care who you are, that's scary. Oh, and did I mention that he appears to be an out-of-work Cirque du Soleil (PS, I spelled that right on the first try) performer because he squishes into these small spaces and walks around all creepy and bendy?! CREEPY! Apparently, his name is Sqweegel--also creepy. And of course, he's a serial killer so they aren't going to catch him in 1 episode. They have to drag it out and make it more interesting. Apparently this killer is from an online novel written by Anthony Zuiker (CSI executive producer). I kind of want to read these books, but Amy Jo is going out of town on business soon and I can't risk opening that can of worms.

I mean, deep down I know that Sqweegel is not going to get me because:
  • I'm not a highly respected member of the Las Vegas community
  • I do not have a deep, dark secret such as mercy-killing my son, leading up some right wing morals group while cheating on my husband, or starting fires in order to save people from them
  • Also, to the best of my knowledge, I am not fictional *However, if you're familiar with the quirky indie film Stranger than Fiction, I could be.
I know all these things and yet, I keep looking behind my shoulder for a creep in a latex suit.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Why I Want to Punch Things: Old Navy

Old Navy really irritates me. I remember when they first started and everyone was like, "Whoa, this place is great." And it was. Lots of cute clothes for pretty decent prices--what's not to love? Plus, did anyone else ever notice how Old Navy sizes tended to run bigger? That's the key to success in my book. I was watching Say Yes to the Dress: Big Bliss the other day, and Randy mentioned that wedding dresses run about 4 sizes small. That's ridiculous! That means that if you wear a 12 normally, you'll be trying on a size 16 wedding dress. Of all the days a person does not want to feel fat, I'd say that their wedding day ranks in at number one (or at least the top 5). If I had a clothing line, I'd make everything run big. Anyway.

The first thing that happened to make me not like Old Navy was that their quality went to Hell. Everything in that store looked like crap. Plus, almost everything was made of 100% cotton. I'm against that because it gets all stretched out and looks gross on you. So I stopped going there. No big deal, I stop going places all the time.

The thing that makes me legitimately mad at Old Navy is their commercials. Do they have a room full of people who sit around and say, "What's the most irritating thing we could put in a commercial?...Whatever it is, let's do it!" I'm pretty sure they do. Like these mannequins who talk--WHAT EVEN IS THAT?! Those commercials make me want to punch things. Even if I liked Old Navy, I'd have a hard time buying clothes from people who think talking mannequins are going to influence my purchase habits. I will admit that I like their dog clothes and that I just bought Lola's Halloween costume there...she's going to be a bumblebee.

And how about the newest of the "Supermodelquins" commercials that also feature real people? I know it's got to be hard to be an actor...but have some self-respect for crying out loud. I'd rather star only in Lifetime and or Hallmark made for TV movies than be in an Old Navy commercial.

Now Target knows how to make a commercial. I have a lot of respect for the people in marketing and advertising at Target. I'd kind of like to meet them, because why are they so good at their job?!

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Reading is bringing me nothing but trouble

I have no idea what magazine Amy Jo is currently reading...Ruin Everything Erin Likes Monthly, perhaps? Oh wait, it's the Nutrition Action newsletter of some sort. I just asked her the name of it and now I'm listening to an explanation of what it is, what it tells you, when it was founded, how many pages it is...well, I'm exaggerating, but she does have a tendency to answer so much more than the simple question you ask. But she puts a roof over my head, so she can tell me whatever she wants.

Anyway, back to her little habit of reading. She reads all these articles with facts that someone has decided are helpful. In my mind, sample article titles include: Breathing Causes Cancer, Why You Should Stop Doing Everything You're Doing Now, Do You Still Like This Thing? Well, You Shouldn't.

Some of her revelations are easy to get behind. Like switching to organic meat. I'm down with that. As long as you're not trying to turn me into a vegetarian (fat chance). This revelation included her coming home and telling me that she noticed that whenever she goes into Whole Foods, she never sees any fat people.

This morning she has copied me an article on artificial food coloring. She makes me copies a lot...but then she also reads excerpts from said copies so I rarely have to do my own reading. She's reading me something else right now, while I'm typing. Apparently artificial food coloring is made from something terrible...like baby ducks or petroleum. And it causes blindness, leprosy, spontaneous combustion and poor rainfall. However, I enjoy food that has color. Red and blue are two of my favorite flavors.

And what do we get to do with all this new information? Read labels. Have you ever read a label? They're boring and practically written in German or Aramaic (those seem equally complicated in my mind). Do you know what takes so much longer when you have to read labels? Grocery shopping. I hate grocery shopping. Grocery shopping is so temporary. We buy food, we eat it and it's gone. It's not like buying clothes. I can wear a shirt again and again...I can only eat some macaroni and cheese once. On a separate note, due to my dieting I can't tell you the last time I had mac & cheese. I miss it a lot. Probably like most people miss a loved one who has moved away. However, I've lost 19 pounds (and counting) so I guess I can't complain. Maybe if the Nutrisystem macaroni and cheese didn't taste like death...(see what happens when I don't have the opportunity to blog regularly? you get a crazy post that's ALL over the place).

Back to Amy Jo's magazine, which just recommended some sweet potato fries...which sounds good to me. Amy Jo is not the problem. It's the people writing these reports, publishing them, and mailing them to her. She's merely a pawn in their evil scheme.

I'm the type of person who doesn't care what's in a hotdog. I've never been concerned about the grade of meat used by the fine people at Taco Bell. Find me a tastier $0.89 taco--I dare you. Whenever someone says, "do you know what's in that?" I like to reply with, "no, but it's delicious."

I also believe that basically everything causes cancer. Doesn't it seem that way sometimes? Every few weeks a new study comes out where they reveal an item that "helps prevent cancer," and then a few weeks after that they have to take it all back because apparently that item now causes cancer. We can't win and we should probably stop trying.

On another note, my friend Amy mentioned the other day what a great de-motivational speaker I am.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Well that's an interesting stance

I was sitting in traffic the other day, and naturally I began looking at the bumper stickers on the cars around me. I saw this one, "Unless you're a hemorrhoid, get off my ass!" OK, I get what they're going for with that--obviously they don't like people riding their bumper; who does? But doesn't that statement sound slightly pro-hemorrhoid? Unless you're a hemorrhoid, as though hemorrhoids are welcome and almost expected.
That's curious...quite curious.

PS: I tried to upload a picture of this bumper sticker, but the blog was not having it.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

There's a time and a place

I have a friend who is getting married in less than a week. Last night was her bachelorette dinner & personal shower. I'm usually the wild gift giver at personal showers. Don't get me wrong, I always pick a quality item (usually from Victoria's Secret) but if anyone at the shower is giving you a costume, dice or crotchless anything--it's probably me. However, I do try to pick things that the person will like. And I knew that my friend would not really be into anything like that. Save the leather and handcuffs for another shower.

So I got her a nice gift I thought she'd like (and she did). Then I remembered (from my college days of randomly taking people to Hustler) that at Hustler they had these underwear that had guys names on them. I thought that was kind of silly and fun but not so crazy that she'd never use it (and they probably cost a couple bucks, no huge waste). I had to go to my grandma's house anyway, and it's on the opposite side of town (not too far from Hustler) so I thought I'd swing in and grab a pair.

I pulled into the parking lot and there was a decent number of cars there, and a guy in the parking space facing mine on his phone or something; I didn't think anything of it. I went inside and began my search. Well, first of all they didn't have underwear with the guy's name on them. And he's got a normal name, it's not like I was looking for panties that said "Sebastian" or something. That was disappointing, but then I looked at the price tag--$19.99?! For $20 I expect a product that more than one person can see me in. I quickly look through the rest of the stuff to see if there was anything that might make a nice addition to my gift. Nope. So I left.

When I went to my car, I discovered that the guy in the other car was still there...only now he was reading. Reading a magazine. A magazine with the telltale tri-fold page. What is going on in your life that you can't wait to get your porno magazine back to your home or hotel room? Do you really need to read it in your non-tinted window car, in the store parking lot? I guess there must have been a really good article in there. It was so hard not to stare, but I refrained. I figure the last guy you want to make accidental eye contact with is the creeper (or one of the creepers) looking at porn in the Hustler parking lot.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

A lot on my plate

I feel like every post I write lately begins with some form of "Sorry it's been so long since I posted, I totally plan to post something in the next few days" and as terrible as that is, that's life. Before you start calling me the worst blogger in the world, let me provide you with a brief summary of some of the things going on in my life right now:
  • Being a mom to the cutest puppy in the entire world...possibly the cutest puppy to ever exist. This includes lots of playing, feeding, going outside to potty (at all hours) and all sorts of other things.
  • Getting back into the swing of teaching. Sadly, this involved a bazillion meetings, committees, professional development activities, etc. This year, teaching also involves a program called KTIP which should encompass a fair portion of my life this year.
  • Enjoying the company of a mouse in my classroom. True story. Well, there's not much of a story to it; a mouse briefly visited my classroom before going to visit another teacher. The end.
  • Having a student give me crap about liking rap music because it "all sounds the same" and then listening to him talk about how much he likes Nickelback. Did I call him out on that? You'd better believe it. I said, "You wanna talk about every song sounding the same? That's Nickelback!" He couldn't disagree.
  • Listening to another student ask me about a Frida Kahlo poster EVERY time he's in my classroom. Every day...well, every other day because it's block scheduling. I don't have time to explain Frida Kahlo to him...but he doesn't like it when I say, "Just Google her." I really don't know what more to tell him, but I might scream if he asks me again.
And that's just a sampler. There's so much more. What sucks is that I've been thinking about my blog almost every day. Realizing things I need to post throughout the day is pretty standard for me. By the time I get a moment to jot down the idea (much less actually post about it) I've forgotten it.

To end on a cheesy, inspirational email note: at least I have a job and dog I love! And at least I have readers who promise not to hate me for my sporatic posts.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

They're in Miami, Trick

Can we talk about Jersey Shore for a minute? As you may already be aware, last year I wrote not one but two posts on this fantastic show. The second season of Jersey Shore started in July. This time the gang is in Miami (because I'm pretty sure the same city could not handle the cast of Jersey Shore for two consecutive years). It's been on the DVR, staring Amy Jo and me in the face for several weeks now. I won't lie to you--we were nervous. What if it wasn't good (in this case, the definition for good is quite different from the standard Webster's definition). Last night we finally decided to (in the words of JWoww) "man up" and watch. I don't want to say it was the best decision ever...but it was a good decision nonetheless.

The whole gang is back and it only took about 15 minutes for the drama to start. And why did the drama start? Because Angelina is back. If you don't know who Angelina is, consider yourself lucky. Feel free to consult the fantastic cast biography chart on Wikipedia. Thanks to this chart, I just learned that I'm older than everyone on Jersey Shore with the exception of The Situation and Pauly D. Anyway, back to Angelina.

Angelina was on the first season for approximately 3 minutes. OK, maybe a little more. She's nothing but an instigator--always stirring the pot and adding drama. Angelina had to leave last season because she refused to work her shift at the t-shirt shop. As I mentioned in a previous post, Angelina is a bartender. And she does (her words) "great things". Not to mention that during the reunion episode we discover that the guy Angelina was dating during Season 1 was a married man. Classy.
No one was sad to see her go. But I think everyone was sad to see her return. And by everyone I mean viewers and the rest of the cast. I was sad for a number of reasons (including those previously mentioned), but to top it all off...we learn that Angelina doesn't know how to properly dress herself. She has been looking a hot mess in every available shot. Sadly, I can't find a picture. Don't get me wrong--I wouldn't look good in those clothes either, that's why I don't buy them. Even Amy Jo borrowed a new term we learned from The Situation and called Angelina a "grenade".

In closing, I would like to say that Angelina has no business being on Season 2 of Jersey Shore and that Amy Jo and I are looking forward to watching the rest of the magic unfold this season. I'd also like to state that the amount of time I've spent not working on things for school but rather writing this post (not to mention searching for crappy pictures of Angelina on Google and learning that Snooki was born in Santiago, Chile) is a little ridiculous.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

School's Back in Session

First of all, you should be aware that as I titled this post I sang it to the tune of Alice Cooper's "School's Out".

The main point I want to get across in this very brief post is that I've been crazy busy with school preparations, getting ready to graduate with a Master's degree, mentally preparing to start KTIP (Kentucky Teacher Internship Program--a requirement for first year teachers) and whatnot. I feel like I've had very little time for myself (or my blog). I'm certain I'll get into a routine soon enough and get back to more regular posting.

A new topic to look forward to in future posts is definitely Lola. Lola is my dog, or she'll be my dog when I get her in approximately a week and a half. That's another thing that's kept me busy--getting ready for my puppy. Lola is a Morkie (Maltese-Yorkie mix) and I am so excited!

She's a teeny tiny thing. This picture is of her at a month old. She's going to weigh between 3 and 6 pounds when she's full-grown. I can't wait. She's so cute I can barely stand it!

So that's a really quick update with what's been going on in my world. Fear not, Lola and I will find time to write. Amy Jo wants me to have Lola post some entries. I might allow her to chime in from time to time...but entire entries? I don't know about that. I don't want to become the kind of person who sends out email updates about their family and pretends that their toddler wrote it. "Mommy and Daddy are so busy working in the yard but I'm having fun playing in the mud and eating bugs," I don't care for things like that. If that's something you're into...well, fine. I guess that's your right as an American.

This post has turned into a completely different tangent than I had intended. I intended on no tangents; just straight forward: Hey I've been busy, I'll post soon.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Fine Print

I know I've included a link to the angry customer letter to Proctor & Gamble about Always pads and their "Have a Happy Period" slogan before, but here it is again. I'm including this link because I've never felt more connected to this woman in my life...however, I'm not [currently] irritated with feminine hygiene (although I have spoken out on the subject before). The other day, Amy Jo and I hit up Office Depot because we're in the process of puppy-proofing the house before Lola (my new puppy!) arrives. We're trying to cover up all the various cords so that's why we were looking at an Office supply store. Although we didn't find what we went in for, I did find a portable external harddrive. I had a coupon for $10 off a $50 purchase, which would've made the product about $110 or so. But when I got to the counter, I was told that the coupon did not apply to technology.

Am I the only one who is sick of this fine print bs? If I had a nickel for every time I wasn't allowed to use an alleged "coupon" on something, I'd have enough money to completely eliminate the need for coupons. This has happened one too many times. Office Depot was the straw that broke the camel's back. I looked at Amy Jo and said, "They may have caught me in just the right mood to get an angry letter." I was already writing this letter in my head when I discovered my receipt told me that Office Depot wanted to hear from me. Excellent. Here's what I wrote:
First of all, I should point out that I made this purchase a good 12 hours ago and I'm still pissed.


My problem is not with the specific store; all the employees were friendly, helpful, etc. My problem is with the Office Depot corporation. I'm a teacher and a member of the Star Teacher Rewards program. And if that's not enough, I LOVE office supplies. I've enjoyed being a part of the Star Teacher program, I receive notices about sales and various coupons I THOUGHT I could use. If it weren't for the coupons, I wouldn't go to Office Depot--your prices are FAR from the best. To be quite frank, I find many of your prices to be quite ballsy. It's paper--not diamonds.

Today, I went into Office Depot with a $10 off a purchase of $50 or more coupon. I've received several of these and with school about to start, I was planning on making good use of them. Today I was looking at portable external harddrives and was pleased to find what seemed to be a great one. The price was $119. It seemed like a good deal, and it more than met the requirements of my coupon. Imagine my outrage and irritation when I got to the register and discovered I couldn't use my coupon.

"This coupon can't be used on technology purchases," the cashier told me. "Well, of course it can't," I muttered. Because why wouldn't a coupon come with conditions? Why would a company reward a member of a program with a coupon that could be used on just any purchase? That's just silly.

That's the problem people have with big businesses. You trick us into thinking that you're being generous, only to continue screwing us in the end. Here's a novel concept: if you don't really want to give someone $10 off a purchase, maybe don't send them a coupon. It's not hard. Just don't send the coupon. Not sending coupons is one of the easiest things to do, I do it every day.

In addition to being a teacher, I also have a degree in business. So let's think about this from a business perspective. Today, you were able to keep $10. Good for you. Now tomorrow and the days to come are another story entirely. I just started teaching. There are years and thousands of dollars of office supply purchases in my future. So today's $10 gain is more of a long-term loss when I take my business elsewhere.

Now, I know that I'm probably not going to put a dent in your profits. I also know that whomever is reading this [if anyone] is not the Office Depot President and is in no way connected to prices or coupon exclusivity. I'm aware that my threat to take away my business is ridiculously cliche; and I don't care. It feels good to finally tell someone what I think about companies who behave like this.

Ironically, guess what I'm going to get by filling out this survey? Another $10 off a $50 purchase coupon. That's great, because the one I have right now is about to expire and apparently not good on half the items in the store. So why don't you do me a favor and hold onto that coupon, because I'm certain anything I'd want to buy wouldn't meet the purchase qualifications.
I'm adding the elimination of all fine print to my list of campaign promises should I ever run for President. I also plan on making a campaign promises page on this site so I can keep track of all my brilliant promises.

Monday, July 19, 2010

I Brake for Blogs

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I don't understand why people put stuff on their cars. I should point out that it was very hard not to end that sentence with, "man, I love being a Turtle." TMNT references aside, I always see strange bumper stickers, etc. on people's cars and I just don't get it. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE reading ridiculous bumper stickers.

I feel strongly about a lot of things, but not to the point where I need everyone behind me to know about it. I will admit, I just recently put a Georgetown College Alumni sticker on my car...but I've now got 2 degrees from that place, a small Tiger sticker felt appropriate. I'm much more likely to purchase a bumper sticker and tape it up to the fridge or my "command center" at work. That way, I can explain my viewpoints to people and force them to listen to me (not to mention hear myself talk). Anyway, I saw 2 humorous car accessories today that I feel compelled to discuss.

The first was a conservative bumper sticker:
I don't have much to say about this...but when I saw it as I walked into the hair salon I couldn't help but think, "I'm pretty sure everyone still has all those things." Am I wrong? That was rhetorical, I'm not wrong...I rarely am. Other than making a mental note to tell Amy Jo about that bumper sticker so she could mutter her favorite insult (Tea-Partier) that's all the thought I gave that one.

I had been planning to blog about this ever since the moment I saw it this afternoon. And when I made it my Facebook status, people "liked" the bejesus out of it, so that sealed the deal.
The other interesting thing I saw today was a license plate frame. I should go ahead and explain that I've never fully gotten the "I brake for this and that" paraphernalia. They're usually ridiculous; it's almost never an animal you see on the road. "I Brake for Moose," who doesn't brake for a moose? Where do you live that the moose to car ratio is so intense that it requires a political stance?

I'd say that the majority of the population brakes for any animal on the road. The slogans make it sound as though everyone else on the road is just running things over like crazy. If it's on the road and in my way, I will almost always brake for it. Have you ever seen one of those stickers and completely disagreed? "Hey, check this asshole out, he brakes for zebras! Zebras can suck it, I'll run 'em all down! I'm gonna follow this guy and run over all the zebras he brakes for!" I'm pretty sure that sentence has never happened in real life. I think the only time I'd ever have that mindset would be the day I see the "I Brake for Hitler" bumper sticker.

Back to the license plate frame. "I Brake for Trains". I was unaware that there was another option. In a car v. train scenario, you can either brake or die. That's it. A car cannot run a train over...a car can, however, ram into the side of the train and endanger the lives of everyone involved. I never thought I needed to advertise the fact that I will brake for trains, but apparently I do.

You read it here first, I brake for trains. I'm also pro-puppy, firmly against cell phone usage in movie theatres and like ice cream. Sorry to get so controversial.

Showdown

Yesterday I stumbled upon a CSI marathon on Spike and immediately began watching. I'm so used to watching things on the DVR and fast-forwarding through the commercials that I kept getting confused...not to mention irritated. And speaking of irritation, I kept seeing promos for the show Pros vs. Joes. I think it's where regular people have to play sports against professionals or something, I don't really care. Normally, the mere existance of a show doesn't upset me (unless it's on FOX News), but Pros vs. Joes had me pissed off.

Apparently, an upcoming episode of Pros vs. Joes will feature a "fallen sports icon": Michael Vick. Apparently, Michael Vick can win back our love and admiration by participating on some dumb-ass show. I'm absolutely appalled that the show would include that douchebag.

Michael Vick was convicted of financing and profitting from an illegal dog-fighting ring. He also admitted to assisting in the "destruction" of poor-performing dogs through methods such as drowning or hanging. He was sentenced to 23 months in a federal prison. Don't even get me started on how light of a sentence I think that is. I have no sympathy for people who abuse animals or children--I'm very "an eye for an eye" in those situations.

There were almost 50 dogs confiscated from Vick's property and many of those dogs had to be put down due to health issues or an inability to be rehabilitated. 22 of Vick's dogs were sent to Best Friends Animal Society in Utah. Best Friends is a non-profit organization founded on the belief that kindness towards animals makes the world a better place for everyone. These dogs have been successfully rehabilitated at Best Friends; they're called The VICKtory dogs. Some of the dogs will be able to be adopted, and others will probably live out their lives at Sanctuary.

The more times I saw the promo, the more I thought about those poor dogs. And that's when I decided on the only Pros vs. Joes episode with Michael Vick I would support: Michael Vick vs. Dog Fighting Ring. I think he should be literally thrown to the dogs.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Whale Wars

I just started watching a fantastic show. It's called Whale Wars and it's on Animal Planet, Fridays at 9. And sadly, nothing you see in this photo is on the show...but it's still good. When I first heard about this show, I thought it sounded silly. People who sail around the world, attempting to stop Japanese whaling ships...people who are willing to die for whales? What the what? My friend Rachel finally convinced me to watch an episode. And by "convince" I mean, I was too lazy to get out of my comfy chair when she was watching it. I was quickly hooked...or harpooned, as it were.

This show is nuts. Let's talk about the founder of Sea Shepherd Conservation Society, Paul Watson. He was also a founding member of Greenpeace--until he left because he was too extreme. Too extreme for Greenpeace. That's like a cast member of Jersey Shore saying, "Hey, you're too tan." No one is too extreme for Greenpeace; oh, but wait. His name is Paul Watson.

I'm surprised I wasn't more interested in this show initially, based on my childhood love of Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home. If you're not familiar with this movie, get familiar. The Enterprise has to travel back to the 80s in order to get humpback whales for the future. Whales are extinct in the future and they're going to bring them back so they can un-extinct them. You should watch it for no reason other than Scotty's line, "Admiral, there be whales here!" Also, Admiral Kirk cares so much about getting these whales that he disobeys a direct order and gets busted down to Captain.

The members of the Sea Shepherd Conservation Society are hardcore. They go on these missions for weeks and they're only allowed to shower for 5 minutes, like once a month. They go after all these Japanese whaling ships and shoot stink bombs at them and mostly just screw with them so that they can't kill whales. If I had balls, I'd be one of these people.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Pages

I discovered a new gadget for bloggers: pages. Apparently, I can create up to 10 pages on this site. I just made the first one, Hit Those Smart Ass Books! In case you were wondering, that is a Simpsons quote. Actually, each page thus far contains a Simpsons quote. The link is on the right side of the screen, at the bottom. I definitely plan on making similar pages for movies and TV shows. I'm not sure what other pages I'll be making (maybe music?), so you might want to periodically check for updates.

I'll also try and update the pages themselves. When I read a new book, see a new movie, etc. I might have to add it to the list! Feel free to check out the pages, or not. I don't care. And it's not like I'll know if you read them or not. The ball is in your court.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Get on Board or Face Burnination

I've made an executive decision. I need to bring back Homestar Runner. Towards the end of high school and into the beginning of college, this website was the shit. Particularly, Strong Bad Email. As time marched on, I found myself with fewer opportunities to enjoy the site (ain't that always the way?). Before you knew it, it was a thing of the past. Recently, it's as though the fates have been telling me that Homestar Runner & Co. need to return to the limelight. Here are the signs:
  • A few months ago, I heard my students talking about Trogdor, the Burninator. Naturally, we had to watch the video of Trogdor (once we finished all our Spanish work of course). Trogdor and Teen Girl Squad are 2 of my favorite Strong Bad creations. I'm certain there are no less than 13 videos in existence which feature me singing the Trogdor song, in varying levels of intoxication. As a direct result of this day in class, I go home and watch 1.5-2 hours of Homestar Runner rather than accomplishing any grown-up tasks.
  • While viewing reruns of Buffy the Vampire Slayer (aka using my time wisely), a character makes mention of Trogdor and his powers of burnination.
  • About a week ago, my friend Amy tweets that she woke up with a song stuck in her head, and included a link to the song. That song was The Cheat is Not Dead by Strong Bad. I sang that song for at least 3 days (including throughout a recent doctor's appointment).
  • ***NEW*** I forgot about this sign until after I had written this post. A few days ago, a high school friend wrote about Strong Bad & Trogdor on my Facebook page.
  • My go-to impression voice is still Strong Bad (or any member of the Teen Girl Squad). It's 7 years later, and there had yet to be another voice I've found awesome enough to impersonate everyone in my life.
Kick it old school and watch some Strong Bad right now...or I'll burninate you and your thatch-roof cottage.

Department of Natural Ridiculousness

I just got back from a fun Fourth of July weekend on Lake Monroe in Bloomington, Indiana. The most frustrating thing about that lake is the wrecklessness taken by most of the people on it. The unofficial motto of the lake is: I do what I want, when I want, "No Wake Zone" be damned. The second most frustrating thing about the lake is a little group called the DNR.

DNR stands for the Division of Natural Resources (not, Do Not Resuscitate). I have no beef with nature. Well, sometimes I do because I'm indoorsy, but I respect nature. I've always considered myself to be a Planeteer (although I wish I had a ring). I support nature, but I do not support the DNR (much like supporting the troops, but not the war--which, I also do). The DNR is ridiculous and if they did their job, the lake would be 67% less dangerous.

Sadly, the event I am about to describe was not witnessed by yours truly. Kristin and I had taken the jet-ski out for a spin and therefore missed all the action. The trusty DNR manages to make it to my family's boat (dodging drunken boaters at every turn) and then refuses assistance in pulling their boat up next to ours with the phrase, "I'm not going to hit your boat. I do this for a living." And that's when he hit the boat. He then issued a warning ticket because the registration letters on the side of our boat are too small. Apparently, they should be 3 inches...and they were somewhere between the 1-2 inch range.

I know what you're thinking, how can we live with ourselves? I'm so full of shame. As he's writing the ticket, boaters are speeding in and out of the no-wake zone to which Deputy DNR says, "Yea, they don't really follow that rule." Wow. If only there was someone...some sort of organization that could enforce lake law. I suppose this guy had been told that he could only talk to people about appropriate sticker size and was unaware that he has the power to make people obey the more important regulations regarding water safety. That's too bad.

And then, as he drove off into the sunset, seeking out other rogue pontoons with illegal stickers, he hit our boat again.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

I Want to Meet This Baby

I've already seen this commercial about 10 times today...and I love it every time. I want to meet this baby. He's so fashion-forward. In a world of crappy commercials, every once in awhile they manage to get it right. This one cracks me up! If I knew any babies, I'd totally buy them these diapers.



This commercial makes me think of an episode of Friends called, "The One Where Rachel's Sister Babysits". After Amy babysits Emma for one afternoon (and pierces her ears--you know, to make her nose look smaller) she decides she wants to be a baby stylist.
Amy: I'm going to be a baby stylist.
Rachel: What?
Ross: That's not a thing!
Amy: Well, it should be. I'm going to help babies learn how to accessorize, what colors to wear, what clothes are slimming...
Rachel: Babies don't care if they're slim!
Amy: Enter Amy.
For whatever reason, I can't embed the video so you'll have to settle for a link.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Unearthed Pictures

This is a serious post, but I think it's really important cause and I want people to know about it. My friend Rachel recently began working for an organization called Unearthed Pictures. Unearthed Pictures is a non-profit organization that exists to bring light issues such as human trafficking. Human trafficking is one of those things that we all know exists, but I don't think we realize just how prevalent it is (even in our own country)! Here are some statistics that should shock you:
  • 27 million people are enslaved today. 80% of them are women and 50% of them are children.
  • A woman in South Africa has a better chance of being raped than learning to read.
That is insane and unacceptable (to say the least)! When Unearthed first visited my church, they mentioned the fact that during the 2010 World Cup, South Africa would be legalizing prostitution.

I've often thought about the pros and cons of legalized prostitution. In America, prostitution is legal in Nevada and it is highly regulated. I don't want to say that seems like a "good idea" but at least the women get tested regularly, etc. Not to mention, if prostitution is legal, they have to pay taxes. In a lot of ways that seems to be a logical way to regulate an industry that appears to have a never-ending stream of customers. As long as these women are aware of what they're doing, making a conscious decision to sell their bodies, it's fine, right? That may be the attitude taken by many Americans when they hear about the plans to legalize prostitution in South Africa during the World Cup. However, there are a number of problems:
  • This legalized prostitution includes children of all ages.
  • Many of the women and children are forced into prositution. They are kidnapped and or tricked into going with the people who will enslave them. They are beaten, raped and drugged into submission.
  • A large number of people in Africa (particularly in the sex industry) have HIV or AIDS. You'd think that would be enough to deter people from paying for sex there--but it doesn't.
It is estimated that as many as 40,000 prostitutes could be taken to South Africa during the World Cup (supply and demand, right?). I can't even imagine the issue they'll have when they attempt to make prostitution illegal again, after the games. I'm sure that'll go over well.

To find out how you can help Unearthed Pictures, visit their website. You can also become a fan of them on Facebook and follow them on Twitter.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Good Defense on those Clown Cones

Let me be the first to say that I don't know much about sports. I find them boring, for more of my thought on the subject, please refer to this older post. This past Saturday, my friend Kristin and I were at Mad Potter (a favorite hang out place of ours). When we had finished up our lovely platters we decided to visit the Baskin Robbins next door and get some delicious treats.

There was a fair bit of business inside, seeing as it's already been unseasonably hot here in the dirrty South (OK, maybe Kentucky isn't the dirrty dirrty South like Atlanta is...so how about dirty with 1 r?). I made a beeline towards the clown cones. So there I am, trying to peer in at deliciousness and this dude is blocking my way. I walked back over to Kristin, which is where the conversation (and thus our story) begins...

Me: There's only one clown cone left!
Kristin: What kind is it?
Me: I don't know...I couldn't tell. That man is blocking the case.
Kristin: [After looking at the man] Hmmm. Why don't you take another look at him?
[I ignored this as I was now surveying the thirty-one flavors in all their glory. We ordered our respective desserts and walked outside. There was nowhere to sit so we started walking around.]

Kristin: I was looking at that guy and I thought, "I know him from somewhere...did he used to work at Kroger?" And that's when I realized--that was Coach Calipari. Wasn't it?
Me: I have no idea. I wouldn't know him. All I know is he was blocking the clown cones.
Kristin: Let's go figure out if it was him.
[So, we walk back over to Baskin Robbins and try to nonchalantly get a look at this guy. And sure enough, it was the one and only coach of the UK Wildcats]
Me: How did you know who it was? [Kristin is as interested in sports as I am.]
Kristin: I've had to watch a lot of games.
Me: Well, tell Jacob [her fiance] that he should be proud of you. All I knew about the guy is he was standing between me and dessert.

So there you have it. In a state that views basketball as religion and whomever is currently coaching their beloved Cats as the second coming of Christ, I don't even know the man when I'm trying to get between his ass and the Baskin Robbins freezer case.

Way to Ruin it for Everyone

I've had it up to here with these ridiculous Asian comments that are actually nothing but porn links. To aid this visual, I should tell you that I am holding my hand as high above my head as I can--although that's not very high (I'm only 5 feet tall).

I think we all remember the origin of the comment fiasco. Luckily, my brother is some sort of honorary member of all Asian communities, so he had someone translate it for me...it seemed nice enough. And then I clicked on the link. Porn. And not just run of the mill porn (the porn next door, if you will). This was some crazy shit...fetishes and the like. For all you CSI fans out there, I'm sure Lady Heather knew about this stuff.

I thought I could keep it under control; deleting the comments as they came in. But I'm no match for this industry. So, the day has come. I am now moderating all comments before allowing them to be posted. It felt like the teachery thing to do. It blows, and I'd like to thank these weirdos for making it a necessity. Talk about one bad apple fortune cookie spoiling it for the whole bunch. I don't care if that statement seems politically incorrect--because so are porn link comments.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

New Computer

Just wanted to let everyone know that I have a new computer now (I am typing on it as we speak) and I plan on updating my blog very soon.

Friday, June 18, 2010

A Little PC Deja Vu

Not too long after I wrote my last post, my computer went insane. I was watching some Law & Order SVU on Netflix, when the entire screen went black. It took a good 40 minutes for the computer to turn back on and when it did--all my crap was gone! I flipped out just a little. I took the computer to the trusty Geek Squad at Best Buy...as I was explaining the problem to the guy, he said, "So, all your stuff was gone?" I told him that it was and he said, "Ummm, all this stuff?"

For whatever reason, a whole bunch of my documents decided to appear only at Best Buy...making me look like a crazy person. It was awesome. Anyway, so they were going to run a diagnostic test on the thing and get back to me. About 2 days later they called and said that despite the test, the computer was still randomly turning off. I gave them the go-ahead to send it to the manufacturer to figure it out.

The manufacturer called me yesterday and let me know that I needed a new hard-drive which was going ot be another $200. So, I think I'm probably just going to buy a new one. The pain in the ass thing about technology is that as soon as you pay for it, it's old. I figure there's no point in paying tons to fix something that's already out of date. Plus, I can get a PC without the God-forsaken Vista. So that's what the situation is regarding a lack of posting. I sent the information on the computer I might buy to my brother for him to look at, and once he says it looks like a good one, I'll be able to get it and get back on a regular posting schedule.

The really irritating thing is that I went through all of this not too long ago. I bought this computer at the end of July 2008. I don't know what made it flip out...I hope I don't do it again.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

I Heart Netflix

And on the eighth day, God created Netflix...and it was good. (Somewhere in the back of the Bible)

I've had Netflix for about two years now--and I've always liked it. But it wasn't until recently that I began making use of the Instant Streaming feature on Netflix. Why it's taken me so long to do this, I'll never know.

I've never been big on watching things on my computer...it makes my eyes hurt. So, let's say it's my new glasses that have opened my eyes to a world of possibilities regarding my favorite pastime (movie and TV viewing).

There's all kinds of stuff on Netflix. I think it's really going to expand my awesomely bad movie knowledge. I was searching for something a few weeks ago, and this was the only thing that came up:
I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle. I absolutely hate that this movie is not available on Netflix. Conversely, I'm excited to know that it exists. I think that one of the things missing from my life is a film about a vintage motorcycle that runs on blood. I'll write a detailed review once I'm able to see it.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

My Bridesmaid Dress

My friend Kristin is getting married this fall, and I am lucky enough to be in the wedding. I'm really excited about it--I've been in 1 wedding before (well, 2 if you count my Dad's second marriage, but I don't) and it was a very small, casual ceremony (I wore a dress I picked out at Macy's). Although Kristin's wedding will be anything but traditional (it's going to be so cute!), there is the typical bridesmaid dress, etc.
Maybe I shouldn't say "typical" bridesmaid dress, as that conjures up some pretty horrific images. We all were able to pick the style of dress we wanted (awesome) and they will all be a very pretty [emerald] green! So I mean typical in the sense that we ordered them from a bridal store. Here's a picture of my dress...just try to picture it completely green (including the little sashy part).

For those of you who haven't seen me in person, let me just say that I'm a little, um, top heavy. I'm also not the thinnest person in the world (although I've been doing Nutrisystem with relative success). In order to get the dress to fit my upper half, we have to order a [much] larger size. My weight aside, I'm a fairly petite person. Tiny feet, tiny hands, etc. I'm only 5 feet tall. Actually, when I ordered the dress, they measured me several times because it didn't make sense that I would need a size that GIGANTIC! I should also mention that bridal/formal dresses run on the small side (talk about that extra boost of confidence on your big day, right?) Who the hell wants to be wearing a size eleventy-seven on the "happiest day of their life"?

Naturally, the dress designers assume that my height matches my weight. I'm used to it. There are very few articles of clothing in my possession that have not been altered in some fashion. What I'm trying to say is that I knew this dress would be too big and that it would require altering (better that than too small). And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the understatement of the year.

I tried on this dress (or tent) and my jaw hit the floor. First of all, I don't have to unzip it to get in and out (I actually think I could jump in). I could fit another small person in there with me. You see the v-neck part, where it shows just a bit of cleavage? Well, the v on my dress is definitely a capital V...as it goes well below my boobs. The halter back also scoops very low...as in, completely below my bra. And it's so gaping that you could probably see my underwear if you looked down the back of it.

I put my clothes on and went out to pay the balance. "How'd it fit?" asked the sales clerk. "Well," I replied, "let's just say it's a good thing I know an amazing seamstress because she's going to have to all but take this thing apart and put it back together again." What can I say, I like to be direct. I'd upload a picture of myself in it, but it would be too revealing (and trust me, no one wants to see that). However, if you want to laugh so hard that you almost pee a little, stop by the house and I'll model it for you.

I estimate that this dress will take a good 2-3 weeks to alter...which means I'll have to go into a "maintenance mode" on the diet, so that it still fits when I pick it up! But, I can definitely tell that once the dress is altered, it's going to be really cute! I'm still super excited about it, and being in Kristin's wedding! But from the moment I put the dress on, I knew there was no way I couldn't tell you about it.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

And Now My Pants are on Fire

I'm such a liar--I write a quick post explaining that I'll post again soon (but not right away)...and then what do I do? Write another post. You should probably stop believing every word I say (however, don't stop reading them).

No sooner had I typed the words about having lots of material for future posts, when it hit me: a decent number of my stories are about my students. I probably can't (shouldn't, and won't) tell you those. Sure I'll write about generalities (i.e. what the kids are into these days) but I can't tell you the hilarious story about So-And-So. Side note, I'd love to have a kid named Soandso in a class (you heard me America, make it happen).

I wish I could have a completely anonymous blog in which I'd publish all the crazy tales from my classes, but anonymity has never been my thing. I'm way to starved for attention. When I do something, I need people to know that I'm the one who did it. If they don't know it was me, then who do they know to compliment and praise for being awesome?!

But, since I'm not too keen on being fired (I've been fired before, and it's not for me) I have to hold these stories in. And by hold them in I mean type them all out in Word documents and hang on to them until I retire and publish them into a hilarious coffee table book. I think I could be a decent author--not some fancypants award, I don't think I have that level of dedication. I'm not remotely interested in developing characters and plots and all the minutia involved in writing novels. I'm more of a commentator.

I want to write the book that people buy because it cracks them up. So they put it on their coffee table and their friends come over, see it, crack up and then go out and buy their own copies. When the time is right, I believe that my stories about students (accompanied by copies of various quizzes, etc. [names removed, of course] with hilarious drawings and comments) will be just the book. Make sure you're on the lookout for it...in roughly 30 years or so.

School's [Almost] Out for Summer

Just a quick note to let everyone know that I am still alive. Things at school have gotten really busy (end of the semester madness)--but the good news is that school gets out this Thursday. That's T minus 2 days people. I've had a great first semester, but it's been a bit overwhelming at times. I'm definitely ready for a break. And for me, breaks include blogging!

I have been having my same random thoughts on life and quirky experiences as per usual, so there's definitely not a lack of material. I'll try not to overload everyone with a dozen posts every day (although I make no promises).

All that being said, do not be surprised if I don't have anything posted this weekend. On a sad note, we are saying goodbye to our family dog this Saturday. Jake has been a great dog and we love him but his health is declining in his old age and we don't want him to suffer. He's actually sitting next to me as I type this (as he often does), and I can tell that he's ready. It was a really hard decision that has us all pretty upset, but we know that it's the right decision.

Obviously, I might not be in the mood to provide my typical humorous observations and commentaries for you this weekend. I don't plan on posting a really weepy lamentation either--I'm honestly doing enough of that inside my brain. I might think of some funny Jake stories for some sort of tribute post, but who knows? Whatever I decide to do, know that Jake is a pretty awesome dog and I love him a lot.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Comment

I don't get any sort of notification when people comment on my blog. Maybe I should change the settings so that I do. But ever since the porn-link comment fiasco, I've tried to become more vigilant about checking for comments that need to be deleted. I just posted a new entry and I decided to go through all my comments (there aren't many, haha!) There were a couple I hadn't realized people made.

Once in a blue moon, I'll get a comment [not a porn link] from someone I don't know. I always find this interesting. I wonder how they stumbled across my little blog and what made them read it. I typically assume they were a level of bored that I have never been. A few moments, I found one of these. And the person was pissed at me!

Way back in November, I blogged about not being able to find a Spanish birthday card (specifically a Quinceanera). I was irritated because I found some cards for things that I thought happen with way less frequency than Hispanic girls turning 15. I was also amused at some of the cards I found, like the divorce announcement card. Well, someone else read the post in January and was in turn quite irritated with yours truly.

I think this is pretty funny. It's kind of cool that someone in South America read my blog (I'm using the past tense because I'm sure I pissed her off too much to ever read it again). As I'm re-reading the comment, I'm a little confused. Is she telling me that I live in America so I should learn to speak English? I was born in America and I do speak English. I'm pretty sure I blog in English, too. I just thought that since I was going to a Spanish celebration that would be conducted in Spanish that a Spanish card might be appropriate.

I don't [usually] mean to piss people off...it tends to happen by accident. Oops. On the off chance that you still read my blog, Cristina, sorry to have upset you...and thanks for reading.

Health Crisis: High School Edition

Today I'd like to talk to you about a number of the serious disorders that are beginning to manifest in the youth of America. I see these types of teens every day and it breaks my heart--not enough people are speaking out against these diseases.

Confusingleggingsforpantsitis: This tragic disease is more commonly known as "Li-Lo Syndrome," named of course for Lindsay Lohan. A number of high school girls are unable to distinguish the subtle difference between pants and leggings. Maybe one day there will be a class offered that could guide these girls through the intricacies of appropriate leg attire. Another common disease that stems from this disorder is Seriouslythosepantsarecuttingoffcirculationinyourlegsosis. Survivors of Li-Lo Syndrome often transition to this disorder before fully recovering and wearing normal pants. The two disorders can be differentiated by the opaqueness of the leg covering. Leggings have a slightly transparent finish while pants are opaque. However, in both disorders the leg covering does appear to be spray painted on.

Hyper-eyelinerism: As long as we're on the subject of make-up, I should also mention that many young girls are unaware that make-up is to be put on at home and one application per day is sufficient. There's no need to pull out all your make-up and apply it in class. But back to the eye-liner. The typical high school girl uses approximately one eye-liner pencil per eye per day. I hope you're shocked. You should be. Is that a raccoon in the back row of my class? That's impressive; I didn't know raccoons had the discipline to learn a world language...oh wait, it's just a girl with excessive eye-liner. This video should clear up any questions you have about high school girls and make-up.

The final disorder is Faketaneosis. There are several causes of Faketaneosis including tanning beds, spray tan and bronzer. But no matter what the culprit, I think we all know that no child should be orange.

Please stay tuned for updates on charity events to benefit these crippling diseases.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Say Cheesey

I know I've written this fact a multitude of times, but I feel it's a necessary precursor to these sorts of posts. I'm at that age where everyone I know (but me) is getting married. This provides me with ample opportunities to observe and study everything about wedding planning and all the madness therein. I'm like Jane Goodall living with the chimps...only in a more formal scenario. I will observe these weddings, gather data and publish my findings in some sort of [critically acclaimed] book (or more likely, on this blog).

What's the deal with engagement pictures? I understand what they are (another nice yet unnecessary part of the hoopla that makes weddings a billion dollar a year industry). FYI, that's not bitterness or cynicism, that's what we call stating the facts. I just don't fully understand the purpose they serve. Should guests bring the Save the Date card with the engagement pictures on the big day, just to make sure they're at the right event? Who do the bride and groom send engagement pictures to? Friends and family--also known as "people who already know what they look like."

Let me start over. My problem is not with the existence of engagement photos, or with a couple's (by which I mean a bride's) decision to have professional engagement photos taken. That's nice. My issue is with the standard shots often used in engagement photos. If you're not familiar with these classic photo opts, read on:

Pensive look of far off wonderment: This look can be captured several ways including but not limited to gazing into each others eyes or gazing off into the distance. Regardless, there must be gazing. The emotion they're going for is "Gee, what does our future hold?" But all I see is, "how awkward can I look while attempting to gaze in a serious yet nonchalant manner as though I'm unaware of the camera?"

The bling shot: You're going to want at least one photo that showcases that rock on your finger. Popular poses require you to stand facing one another, with the girl placing her hand prominently on the guy's chest or possibly cheek. This is the "suck it, bitches" picture--the one that you want your old high school acquaintances to stumble upon whilst creeping on your Facebook. You want everyone to see this picture and say, "Damn!"

I'm a delicate flower whose boyfriend picks her up: You're a dainty little bride and now that you've found your one and only, he just can't stop picking you up. Whether it's a borderline chest bump where he's picking you up and your feet are kicking back in the air as if to say, "Weeee! Love!" or the more traditional style that looks like he's carrying you over the threshold, this shot is a keeper. May I also suggest some alteration on the latter--involving some sort of dipping seems to be very popular. Remember that whatever pose you go with, this picture should always contain laughter. Apparently, picking up grown women on a regular basis is the type of thing you laugh about. Maybe because it's just so easy to do. Giggle.

Down to Earth: This is the meticulously planned shot that says, "Hey, look how laid back we are as a couple, just sitting here in an empty field in our dress clothes." If that's not natural, I don't know what is. I suggest Photoshopping in some cartoon wildlife and musical notes to make it look like you're starring in your own Disney movie.

None of this is ours: When posing for an engagement picture, it's important to remember that you should never pose by anything that you actually own, use in your daily life or have even seen before. If you don't even know what you're standing next to, or how to spell it: congratulations, you've done it. Try posing by a gate that goes to a mysterious home that you don't live in or next to an old tractor even though you don't farm. Remember, you want people saying, "Where the hell did they take this picture...and where'd they find those baby ducks?"

I'd be much more comfortable with engagement pictures if they actually seemed to represent the couple. But I suppose nobody wants pictures of how they really spend their time together. Here's a shot of us watching TV while wearing sweatpants. And here we are comparing name brand and generic cereal at the grocery store. And the thing de resistance: us eating pizza on the couch, straight out of the box. Should someone ever decide to marry me (obstacle one is still getting someone to date me) I'd feel like a little bit of a liar if those weren't my engagement pictures. And we all know that lies make Baby Jesus cry.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Coming Soon, or Probably Not Soon

I'm getting tired of my blog layout. That and Amy Jo can't get this version to upload and work. And I'll be damned if I'm going to sit here and not do anything about the fact that my mother is having to do her job rather than read my hilarity while in her cubicle. I also have a decent following at her work, I'd hate it if none of them could read this! I'll probably be changing it "soon". And by soon I mean, whenever I have time. This could very well be during summer vacation as I'm mad busy right now. Although now I'm thinking that the change will come later today, after I get my haircut. I'll just do this rather than all the things I'm supposed to be doing.
Speaking of "followers" a few sentences ago...is it weird that I'm jealous of my friends' blogs who have more followers than mine? And by weird, I do mean pathetic. Whatever, it's fine.

Drive Me Crazy

Am I the only one who judges the inhabitants of the cars around me? Of course I'm not. For example, when I'm driving next to a car that's all beat up and obviously been through a few wrecks, I get away from that person because they just don't care anymore. I also have a bumper sticker obsession. I'm not the type to EVER put a bumper sticker on my car--unless I had an old POS-mobile. I'm more of a static cling kind of gal; bumper stickers are so permanent and they decrease the resale value. This might sound odd coming from someone with a tattoo (and dreams of another tattoo should massive anxiety subside), but it's not like I'm planning on selling my body any time soon (or ever).

But when I see a car with bumper stickers, I have to know what they say. I love clever things. One of the worst days of my life as a child (other than the turmoil of my parents' divorce, etc.) was after an appointment at the eye doctor. My eyes had been dilated and I was rocking those awesome old lady sunglasses when we pulled up behind a bumper sticker-clad car. Although my vision was blurry, I could tell that everything but the back window of this car was COVERED in bumper stickers. However, I couldn't read them. And to top it all off, it must have been rush hour because we sat behind that car for a long time. Had my vision been unaltered, I would've had ample time to read the witty repartee of the bumper stickers. That's just as bad as being caught behind a similar car for a short period of time.

A few weeks ago, I was driving to Richmond, and I was behind a minivan delivering Papa John's. There was a bumper sticker I couldn't read so I sped up. And thank God I did, otherwise I wouldn't have known how this person felt about "titties & beer," I assume he's pro on both of those hot-button issues. I began wondering whether or not a middle aged man, delivering pizza in a mini-van with a titties & beer bumper sticker could pinpoint exactly when his life took a different turn. I'm betting yes.

Of course my current favorite bumper stickers have to be for the oh-so-intelligent "Tea Partiers" (Amy Jo's favorite insult). They're so moronically clever. Clever in that they are a tad witty, but moronic considering that the majority of those people have NO idea what they're talking about. On my way home this past Monday night, I was behind one such car. The bumper sticker that I could read from a distance was the standard Tea Party sticker. TEA has been turned into the monogram "Taxed Enough Already" and then there's a little teapot that says "We're TEA'd off." Chuckle. They also had a Jeff Gordon license plate frame...am I insinuating that Nascar fans are all Tea Partiers? No. But, you have to admit, there is a correlation.

Now, it was dark out, making it difficult to read the other bumper stickers at the top of the rear window of this car. Naturally I switched lanes and continued to follow them. Jackpot: Red Light! I got to read the stickers in all their glory. In the left corner, we had the Skull & Crossbones with the message "Obama Care" (because as we all know, we're going to have death camps now that universal healthcare has been approved). And in the right corner, Stop Obama's Socialism (spelling out SOS). I'm pretty sure this car was powered by ignorance. If you're too stupid to understand the actual definition of socialism and how it's different than capitalism and that America will never be anything other than a capitalist nation, I have serious issues with you operating heavy machinery.
I will point out that at the bottom of this ad I found for the SOS sticker, it says, "Every $25 donation gets a free bumper sticker." For a group of people so concerned about getting their money taken away by the powers that be, they sure are ready to throw away a good chunk of change on a bumper sticker. $25 bumper sticker, good choice.

Conversely, I am not a huge fan of vanity plates. Most of the time, vanity plates have to be so immensely abbreviated that I have no idea what the person is trying to say. Once, on the way to Hilton Head (blech--my hatred for Hilton Head will be explained at a later date) I was stuck behind a car with a vanity plate I couldn't understand. Traffic inched along as I spent hours behind this plate, trying to figure out what it meant--no such luck. I was stumped. If memory serves me, I think I later realized that Ohio license plates are laid out differently than Kentucky's. Rather than having the numbers and letters divided into two 3 character groups, Ohio just throws 'em all together. So the vanity plate I was attempting to decipher was merely a standard issue nonsensical license plate.

I was behind a rather interesting vanity plate the other day. I'm sitting behind this car with a veteran plate that reads: DRUNK. Really? The statement about yourself you want to put out to the world is 'drunk'? Why not HORNY or something equally as dumb? If I was a cop, and I saw a car with a DRUNK vanity plate, I'd pull them over. If you're drunk so much of the time that it's worth advertising on your car, my odds of bagging a DUI increase exponentially.