Tuesday, December 28, 2010

I've Been Thinking

I've come up with some fantastic ideas over the break and I thought I'd share them.
  1. Valentine's Day: Instead of people who are in couples getting presents on Valentine's Day, those people now have to give presents to single people. The single people are the ones who have it so hard; we're the ones who deserve presents. Not to mention it would help put an end to bad relationships. So many people stay in relationships just so they have someone...but if you got a present to end your bad relationship, you'd do it.
  2. Confrontation: Most people hate confrontation. I, on the other hand, love it. So, I'm thinking that I'll create a business in which people will hire me to take care of their confrontations for them. Think of how fast I'll pay off my student loans!
I know I thought of other stuff but I can't think of it right now.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Must-See Christmas Movies

I think we've established my love for TV and movies. I'm also a creature of habit. I have certain movies that I enjoy watching at certain times. For example, I enjoy watching CSI when the weather is gross. My list of must-see Christmas movies keeps growing and growing so I thought I'd share it with you. If you haven't seen some of these, get on it!
  1. A Muppet's Christmas Carol. This is my absolute favorite version of the classic tale and I absolutely HAVE to watch it every Christmas Eve.
  2. A Christmas Story. I feel that this is implied. Everyone needs to watch this on Christmas Eve, too.
  3. Christmas Vacation. Does it get any better than Randy Quaid in that rusted out RV?
  4. The Holiday. Romantic comedies that have come out over the past few years have been rather lackluster, but this one was fabulous! I first saw it in Spain while I was waiting to come home from my semester abroad, so it's got even more special meaning for me.
  5. Home Alone. Bumbling burglers thwarted by an obnoxious kid? What's not to love?
  6. Love Actually. I could sit and quote this movie all day long. I LOVE it.
  7. How the Grinch Stole Christmas. I need to specify that I mean the cartoon version, not the creepy live-action one.
  8. A Charlie Brown Christmas. It's worth it just to watch Snoopy do his little dance.
  9. It's Christmastime Again, Charlie Brown. I like this one much better than the original Charlie Brown Christmas movie.
  10. Rent. It's not really about Christmas, but much of the story takes place at Christmas and it's wonderful.
  11. Die Hard. An unlikely Christmas classic, nonetheless, here it is.
  12. You've Got Mail. Another movie that takes place at Christmastime but is not specifically about the holiday.
  13. Jingle All the Way. Oh, Arnold. Oh, Sinbad. That's all I have to say about that. 
Please note that It's a Wonderful Life is not on this list. I hate that movie.
I don't know if I was happier when, um, George Bailey destroyed the family business, or, um, Donna Reid cried, or when the mean pharmacist made his ear bleed. I didn't watch the ending, I was too depressed. It just kept getting worse and worse. It should have been called, "It's a sucky life and just when you think it can't suck any more it does." ~Phoebe Buffay, Friends "The One Where Old Yeller Dies"

Monday, December 13, 2010

Apostrophes

I saw this in the mall parking lot the other day. Number one, I hate these family window clings. Number two, I don't understand the apostrophe.
I've always considered myself to be a Grammar Nazi. I can understand when people make grammatical errors, but I get really irritated when the error has theoretically gone through some official channels of business. At some point in the creation of this irritating window cling, you'd think that someone would've said, "Hmmm. What's up with that apostrophe? Are the Jones in possession of something? Is the name Jones some sort of contraction that the world is unaware of?"

Maybe everyone needs to see this article: How to Use Apostrophes.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

A Few of My Least Favorite Things

I can't believe I forgot to tell y'all about coming home to find Amy Jo watching Sarah Palin's Alaska about a month ago. "Are you watching...Sarah Palin?" I asked. "I'm watching it for Alaska," replied Amy Jo. Long story short, I've had to set up a series recording on the DVR for this show. While I don't like Sarah Palin's politics and have recurring nightmares about her ever having been in charge of any body of government, I've always believed that she seems like a nice lady and a good mom. I will admit that the Alaska scenery is breathtakingly beautiful, but the show itself might be the most boring thing since Lawrence Welk. Allow me to sum up almost every episode of the show:

Sarah's folksy and mysteriously Minnesota-esque accent welcomes us to each episode, "Blah blah blah, Alaska. Other stuff and I like Alaska."

Cut to theme song, sung by Three Doors Down I believe.

Our scene opens on the Palin household...

Sarah: Life in Alaska is different than life in the lower 48. No one other than Alaskans understands anything about Alaska. See, in Alaska we use these things called forks and breathe oxygen. Sure, these things sound like typical activities for everyone but no one else appreciates it because they don't live in Alaska.

Montage of beautiful scenery.

Sarah: Today, just like every other day, we're doing something involving salmon and guns. And to get to wherever we're going, we'll be taking either a helicopter, one of those planes that can land on water or a giant RV. Cars? We don't need no stinkin' cars. We have to make sure this trip is special for Bristol because she's had such a tough year.

The Palins are now divided between Todd's boat and Track's boat in Bristol Bay.

Todd: Alright, let's get all these salmon out of the nets!
Sarah: See, in Alaska our idea of fun is working together as a family. It's like Little House on the Prarie, but somehow less exciting. We should get a bus and start a family band!
Piper: Hey, let's make a game out of this work! We can see whose boat can get the most salmon. Me, Mom, Dad and Willow versus Track and his mono-syllabic friends. Bristol and Tripp can be the judges.
Track: Um, I don't like it when people try to compare me to my dad. Also, I'm rarely on this show so people tend to forget I exist.
Sarah: Wholesome family fun, just like the good old days!
Bristol: Mom, you have prom hair.

The Palins clear their nets of all the delicious salmon.

Sarah: Well, Track and his friends won the contest but we all had lots of fun. That's the thing about Alaska, kids don't need fancy videogame whatchamacallits and texting dealies. Kids just need good, supervised fun. Gee, I'm chilly, where is my NRA hoodie?

The Palin family watches the sun set over Bristol Bay. The end.
Apparently, an upcoming episode involves Kate Gosselin and her 8 kids. They're coming up to Alaska to go camping with Sarah and her family. I suspect Sarah is going to have to protect those naive non-Alaskans from the harsh wilderness. Ohhhh, excitement.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Listen Up, A&E

I'm a pretty big fan of a number of the shows on A&E. The other day I was thinking about how so many of the shows could merge together and form gigantic super shows. For example, let's say that someone was addicted to shopping. That person could go on Intervention to take care of the addiction. While they're intervening, they discover that the person is hoarding all the stuff they buy. Enter, Hoarders. As Dr. Robin Zasio and Matt Paxton are helping with the hoarding, they discover this person has multiple storage units that they can no longer pay for. So then we have to call up the people over at Storage Wars. And finally, the post-hoard house is all gross and infested with bugs so then Billy the Exterminator has to come in and take care of business. I've come up with other combinations as well.

So what I'm saying, people at A&E, is that I could be a very valuable resource to you. I'm more than happy to provide you with multiple other pitches...I am going to have to get to meet Dr. Robin Zasio and Matt Paxton before I give away all my secrets though.