Saturday, December 11, 2010

A Few of My Least Favorite Things

I can't believe I forgot to tell y'all about coming home to find Amy Jo watching Sarah Palin's Alaska about a month ago. "Are you watching...Sarah Palin?" I asked. "I'm watching it for Alaska," replied Amy Jo. Long story short, I've had to set up a series recording on the DVR for this show. While I don't like Sarah Palin's politics and have recurring nightmares about her ever having been in charge of any body of government, I've always believed that she seems like a nice lady and a good mom. I will admit that the Alaska scenery is breathtakingly beautiful, but the show itself might be the most boring thing since Lawrence Welk. Allow me to sum up almost every episode of the show:

Sarah's folksy and mysteriously Minnesota-esque accent welcomes us to each episode, "Blah blah blah, Alaska. Other stuff and I like Alaska."

Cut to theme song, sung by Three Doors Down I believe.

Our scene opens on the Palin household...

Sarah: Life in Alaska is different than life in the lower 48. No one other than Alaskans understands anything about Alaska. See, in Alaska we use these things called forks and breathe oxygen. Sure, these things sound like typical activities for everyone but no one else appreciates it because they don't live in Alaska.

Montage of beautiful scenery.

Sarah: Today, just like every other day, we're doing something involving salmon and guns. And to get to wherever we're going, we'll be taking either a helicopter, one of those planes that can land on water or a giant RV. Cars? We don't need no stinkin' cars. We have to make sure this trip is special for Bristol because she's had such a tough year.

The Palins are now divided between Todd's boat and Track's boat in Bristol Bay.

Todd: Alright, let's get all these salmon out of the nets!
Sarah: See, in Alaska our idea of fun is working together as a family. It's like Little House on the Prarie, but somehow less exciting. We should get a bus and start a family band!
Piper: Hey, let's make a game out of this work! We can see whose boat can get the most salmon. Me, Mom, Dad and Willow versus Track and his mono-syllabic friends. Bristol and Tripp can be the judges.
Track: Um, I don't like it when people try to compare me to my dad. Also, I'm rarely on this show so people tend to forget I exist.
Sarah: Wholesome family fun, just like the good old days!
Bristol: Mom, you have prom hair.

The Palins clear their nets of all the delicious salmon.

Sarah: Well, Track and his friends won the contest but we all had lots of fun. That's the thing about Alaska, kids don't need fancy videogame whatchamacallits and texting dealies. Kids just need good, supervised fun. Gee, I'm chilly, where is my NRA hoodie?

The Palin family watches the sun set over Bristol Bay. The end.
Apparently, an upcoming episode involves Kate Gosselin and her 8 kids. They're coming up to Alaska to go camping with Sarah and her family. I suspect Sarah is going to have to protect those naive non-Alaskans from the harsh wilderness. Ohhhh, excitement.

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