Saturday, February 27, 2010

Stand Up Dreams

People are always telling me that I should do stand-up comedy...and maybe I will someday. The other night, I was in that state of half-sleep where I started planning things. For whatever reason, I was planning my set list for my stand-up routine.

I decided to talk about the kiosks at the mall. I'm sure I've mentioned my distaste for these businesses before. When I go to the mall, the kiosks can literally determine what store I enter through and what stores I go to. If I'm not in the mood to fake being busy, then I guess I can't go outside of Macy's because I can't handle the kiosks. I don't care about sea salt skin scrubs (despite my love for alliteration), hair straighteners or eyebrow threading. The kiosks rarely house businesses that interest me.

On one of my snow days, I decided to go to the mall...and I decided to do it right. This meant, actually venturing out of Macy's and visiting other stores. When it came time to walk past the kiosks, I decided to pull my patented "Oh I'm talking on my phone so I can't talk to you about whatever you're trying to sell" routine. I put my phone to my ear and that's when I ran into a problem. In addition to hating kiosks, I hate talking on the phone. I rarely do it--I'm more of a texter. Someone who is a habitual phone talker has no problem faking a call...someone like me, is faced with an inability to have a fake conversation. Basically, I was walking by these kiosks just nodding and making faces while holding my phone to my ear. I was going for either listening to the other person talk or checking voicemail; but I'm pretty sure I just looked insane. I will say that no one at the kiosks talked to that's a win.

The rest of my dream included my illustrious career as a stand-up comedian. I performed at an open mic night, but the audience was packed with virtually everyone I I was fairly successful. And then they asked me to come back and perform more often. And before I knew it, I was opening for other comedians that came to Comedy Off Broadway. So I was a teacher by day, and a comedian by night. And my students' parents would come to my shows and be like, "she teaches my kid Spanish!" It was odd...and then I woke up, so I'm not entirely certain where my career went after that. But I'm fairly certain I got to meet Jon Stewart and Tina Fey...another win.


Jess said...

I want to "like" this. you crack me up. :)

Back in Black said...

Mwahaha! Thanks :)
And hey, thanks for not posting a link to Asian fetish porn...I never thought I'd have to start saying that to people. But apparently it's a must.

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