Sunday, May 9, 2010

Health Crisis: High School Edition

Today I'd like to talk to you about a number of the serious disorders that are beginning to manifest in the youth of America. I see these types of teens every day and it breaks my heart--not enough people are speaking out against these diseases.

Confusingleggingsforpantsitis: This tragic disease is more commonly known as "Li-Lo Syndrome," named of course for Lindsay Lohan. A number of high school girls are unable to distinguish the subtle difference between pants and leggings. Maybe one day there will be a class offered that could guide these girls through the intricacies of appropriate leg attire. Another common disease that stems from this disorder is Seriouslythosepantsarecuttingoffcirculationinyourlegsosis. Survivors of Li-Lo Syndrome often transition to this disorder before fully recovering and wearing normal pants. The two disorders can be differentiated by the opaqueness of the leg covering. Leggings have a slightly transparent finish while pants are opaque. However, in both disorders the leg covering does appear to be spray painted on.

Hyper-eyelinerism: As long as we're on the subject of make-up, I should also mention that many young girls are unaware that make-up is to be put on at home and one application per day is sufficient. There's no need to pull out all your make-up and apply it in class. But back to the eye-liner. The typical high school girl uses approximately one eye-liner pencil per eye per day. I hope you're shocked. You should be. Is that a raccoon in the back row of my class? That's impressive; I didn't know raccoons had the discipline to learn a world language...oh wait, it's just a girl with excessive eye-liner. This video should clear up any questions you have about high school girls and make-up.

The final disorder is Faketaneosis. There are several causes of Faketaneosis including tanning beds, spray tan and bronzer. But no matter what the culprit, I think we all know that no child should be orange.

Please stay tuned for updates on charity events to benefit these crippling diseases.

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