Saturday, September 25, 2010

Reading is bringing me nothing but trouble

I have no idea what magazine Amy Jo is currently reading...Ruin Everything Erin Likes Monthly, perhaps? Oh wait, it's the Nutrition Action newsletter of some sort. I just asked her the name of it and now I'm listening to an explanation of what it is, what it tells you, when it was founded, how many pages it is...well, I'm exaggerating, but she does have a tendency to answer so much more than the simple question you ask. But she puts a roof over my head, so she can tell me whatever she wants.

Anyway, back to her little habit of reading. She reads all these articles with facts that someone has decided are helpful. In my mind, sample article titles include: Breathing Causes Cancer, Why You Should Stop Doing Everything You're Doing Now, Do You Still Like This Thing? Well, You Shouldn't.

Some of her revelations are easy to get behind. Like switching to organic meat. I'm down with that. As long as you're not trying to turn me into a vegetarian (fat chance). This revelation included her coming home and telling me that she noticed that whenever she goes into Whole Foods, she never sees any fat people.

This morning she has copied me an article on artificial food coloring. She makes me copies a lot...but then she also reads excerpts from said copies so I rarely have to do my own reading. She's reading me something else right now, while I'm typing. Apparently artificial food coloring is made from something terrible...like baby ducks or petroleum. And it causes blindness, leprosy, spontaneous combustion and poor rainfall. However, I enjoy food that has color. Red and blue are two of my favorite flavors.

And what do we get to do with all this new information? Read labels. Have you ever read a label? They're boring and practically written in German or Aramaic (those seem equally complicated in my mind). Do you know what takes so much longer when you have to read labels? Grocery shopping. I hate grocery shopping. Grocery shopping is so temporary. We buy food, we eat it and it's gone. It's not like buying clothes. I can wear a shirt again and again...I can only eat some macaroni and cheese once. On a separate note, due to my dieting I can't tell you the last time I had mac & cheese. I miss it a lot. Probably like most people miss a loved one who has moved away. However, I've lost 19 pounds (and counting) so I guess I can't complain. Maybe if the Nutrisystem macaroni and cheese didn't taste like death...(see what happens when I don't have the opportunity to blog regularly? you get a crazy post that's ALL over the place).

Back to Amy Jo's magazine, which just recommended some sweet potato fries...which sounds good to me. Amy Jo is not the problem. It's the people writing these reports, publishing them, and mailing them to her. She's merely a pawn in their evil scheme.

I'm the type of person who doesn't care what's in a hotdog. I've never been concerned about the grade of meat used by the fine people at Taco Bell. Find me a tastier $0.89 taco--I dare you. Whenever someone says, "do you know what's in that?" I like to reply with, "no, but it's delicious."

I also believe that basically everything causes cancer. Doesn't it seem that way sometimes? Every few weeks a new study comes out where they reveal an item that "helps prevent cancer," and then a few weeks after that they have to take it all back because apparently that item now causes cancer. We can't win and we should probably stop trying.

On another note, my friend Amy mentioned the other day what a great de-motivational speaker I am.

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