Friday, August 31, 2012

Mental Non Sequiturs

When I think of my brain, I imagine a vast highway of the future where all the cars are zooming by one another in the air. And I'm standing at the main intersection as all the thoughts race by me. That's the only way I can explain my random train of thought. And now, allow me to present a series of these mental non sequiturs.

  • I wonder how often the average person thinks about sour gummi worms? I bet it's not as often as me. Sometimes when I'm sitting at work, typing away...I find myself thinking, "Man I could go for some sour gummi worms right now."
  • Has anyone ever successfully trained a dog to use a toilet? I don't mind if they can't flush, I'll take care of that. It sure would be handy if they could go to the bathroom like people.
  • If I ever procreate, I'm going to do my best to have the baby on Labor Day. I just enjoy how literal it would be. Plus I think it would be a humorous (albeit corny) anecdote for later on in that baby's life.
  • If you're a vampire, do you think it would be important to eat healthy? Like, don't drink the blood of obese people because they're higher in cholesterol and sugar?
  • When will it become socially acceptable to mess with people who talk too loudly on their cell phones in public? If you're near me, yelling into your cell phone I think I have every right to respond to everything you say in an annoying fashion.
  • How is there not a successful weight loss pill yet? It's 2012. We've been to space and we've got crazy technology like iPads and ShamWows. You'd think by now we'd have a working pill for weight loss. I'd even be willing to give something up in return. For example, this pill will make you lose weight but you can never use escalators again. Or you can never drive a car over 70 miles per hour. I'd happily do it.
  • Hmm...here's the thing about having a baby on Labor Day: I run the risk of the hospital being full of people who've had drunken boating accidents.
  • A non sequitur has to be my all-time favorite sequitur.
  • People frequently reference Romeo & Juliet when they talk about true love. They're looking for their Romeo or their Juliet...maybe those people didn't read all of that story, because it ends in a double suicide. And it all happens within the span of a few days. They meet, hang out just a tiny bit, and fall in love. They piss everybody off, get married, have sex once (maybe twice?) and then they die. That is so not what I'm looking for.
 

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