Thursday, December 4, 2008

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

You know the song Winter Wonderland? There's a line in the song which used to confuse me when I was younger. I always thought that "later on we'll conspire, as we dream by the fire," was "later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire." I mean, they were sitting by a fire, it makes sense that people might sweat. Also, I don't think I knew what conspire meant. That story had no real purpose, other than to serve as an opening for my holiday posting.

I've had a hard time coming up with Christmas presents this year. I don't know what to get anyone, and I don't even feel like trying. The one gift I did come up with was perfect--it was for my brother, but it fell through. Both Lexington stores were out of the monkey butler statue. I called every store in Kentucky, and finally found 1 remaining statue--however, by that time the sale was over and it was too expensive. And if you're wondering why I was getting my brother a monkey butler statue, I suggest you watch an episode from season 9 of The Simpsons, known as "Das Bus."

In my refusal to give up, the search for a monkey butler took me to the Dish Barn. I figured a monkey butler is pretty tacky and so is the Dish Barn. Well, they didn't have any monkey butlers but they did have Confederate flags and a piggy bank in the shape of an outhouse that said "Hillbilly Outhouse." First of all, isn't it nice that in this day and age we can still buy Confederate flags? No, no it isn't nice. And secondly, isn't the phrase "hillbilly outhouse" a bit redundant? Are there chic, metropolitan outhouses used by the rich and famous out there that I don't know about?

On my way home from the glorious Dish Barn, I saw a sign advertising guns and live bait. That's right, guns and live bait--together at last! That's when I realized I live in a glorious state with fabulous items for purchase. If only my friends and family needed or wanted weapons and live bait.

On top of those troubles, I've been invited to an Ugly Christmas Sweater party and I don't have an ugly Christmas sweater. I forced myself to go into Wal-Mart and search for one, but it was in vain. I did, however, see several women wearing ugly sweaters. I debated following them around until they led me to their secret ugly sweater store or maybe just explaining my situation and asking if I could borrow their sweater.

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