Thursday, December 11, 2008

Supposably

In the Friends episode, "The One Where Heckles Dies," it is discovered that Chandler breaks up with women for the strangest reasons.

Monica: So how was Joan?
Chandler:
I broke up with her.
Ross:
Oh why?... don't tell me, because of the huge nostril thing?
Chandler:
They were huge. When she sneezed, bats flew out of them.
Rachel:
Come on, they were not that huge.
Chandler:
I'm tellin' you, she leaned back, I could see her brain.
Phoebe: You name one woman that you broke up with for a real reason.
Chandler:
Maureen Rosilla.
Ross:
Because she doesn't hate Yanni is not a real reason.
Chandler also realizes that he may be missing out on happiness because he's so picky.

"Look at this. Pictures of all the women that Heckles went out with. Look what he wrote on them. "Vivian, too tall. Madge, big gums. Too loud, too smart, makes noise when she eats." This is, this is me. This is what I do. I'm gonna end up alone, just like he did...What if I never find someone? Or worse, what if I've found her, but I dumped her because she pronounced it supposably?" ~Chandler
Every time I watch that episode I start to think about all the little things that bother me. There are a lot of minor character flaws which can be deal-breakers in my book.

Now, I've been compiling this list for a few weeks now, and I think it's starting to shape up nicely. I do have some friends who possess some of these qualities; odds are I didn't learn about these traits until I hadalready invested time in the relationship and was unwilling to give it up. Or they have another super awesome characteristic which outweighs the annoying one. Let's say I just meet someone and I discover that they consider Nickelback to be one of the greatest bands of all time; they will need to prove to me (sooner rather than later) that they have redeeming qualities to be taken into consideration. You should take it as a compliment if you read a quality of yourself in this list and we are still friends.

The entire concept behind this post reminds me of a childhood memory: I was probably 6 or 7 (if that) I think I was having a hard time getting to sleep so, naturally, I wanted to be productive. That's when I decided I should make a list of all the people hated/disliked. I don't know why I did this...did I detest so many people that I couldn't keep them straight and needed a point of reference in case I encountered them on the street? It's possible. When I'd made significanct progress, I decided to show my mom what I'd been doing. I expected her to be proud of me and my ingenius plan; she was not. Apparently, it's not nice to make a list of people you can't stand. It's not like I was going to show it to them...or maybe I was, I don't remember. Either way, I don't see how my list is all that different than Santa's.

  1. Really liking Nickelback. This forces me to question your taste in general. They have a few OK songs, but when you get right down to it they all sound exactly the same. I don't mind if you like them a little, but if you think they are the greatest thing since sliced bread...we probably can't be friends.
  2. Not liking The Simpsons. Seriously, what's wrong with you? I understand that many of us were not allowed to watch the program growing up so you may never have been exposed to this animated treat, but to not like it is simply crazy. I don't care who you are, that show is funny!
  3. Preferring Family Guy over The Simpsons. I'll be honest, I question anyone who likes Family Guy in general. Maybe not the first couple of seasons where it was actually funny, but now it sucks and if you can't see that then I can't help you. When Family Guy isn't making pop culture references that are not remotely connected to the "plot" of the show, they are either copying The Simpsons or just trying to go too far for shock value.
  4. Being adamently opposed to Facebook. Get on the trolley, people. Facebook saves lives. Well, not really, but it is pretty great. It's keeps you so well connected with people. If I'm trying to plan a party, I can just make an event on Facebook with all the information and send out invitations. But if there's one person who's not on Facebook I have to do all these extra things just because they have to be difficult. I might just give up on inviting them all together.
  5. People who don't watch TV. I made a note to write about these people and a few days later I went to see Jim Gaffigan and he made a joke about them, too which solidified my need to call them out. Perhaps you haven't noticed, TV is awesome. If I'm around someone who doesn't watch TV, I feel like they are judging me and they think I'm stupid--and I don't need that.
  6. People who call Wal-Mart "Wally World." First of all, I don't like Wal-Mart. I can probably count on one hand the number of times I've been there in the last 6 months; I hate everything about it. Even before I hated Wal-Mart, I hated people calling it Wally World. I can't pinpoint a particular reason either. All I know is that hearing someone say those 2 words is like listening to someone chew gum with their mouth open (or any other mouth noise, another pet peeve of mine).
  7. Liking cats. Have these people not met cats? I have yet to find a trait in cats that makes up for everything else they do. I don't like an animal that thinks it's better than me. Also, people who like cats often seem to go overboard and become crazy cat ladies. *I will admit, I am friends with cat owners...but I am not friends with their cats.*
  8. Grown women who have the handwriting of a 13-year-old girl. For quite some time, I was unaware that this was an epidemic sweeping our nation. 99% of us [girls] went through that phase in middle school where you tried to write super cute and bubbly, perhaps using hearts for punctuation. To this day I couldn't tell you why we did this. I can, however, tell you that most of us reached a point (post-junior high) in which we decided to stop. But there are a select few women out there whose handwriting looks like it belongs on a cleverly folded note to their BFF.
  9. Refusal to travel outside of the country. To me, this falls under the category of ignorance. People who think America is so great that they don't need to go anywhere else. An unwillingness to experience things outside your comfort zone is one of the saddest possible character traits.
  10. Mouth noises. As briefly stated in my Wally World comment, all mouth noises bother me. You know how Superman could hear people calling for help from a million miles away? I can do that too, only I hear mouth noises. It bothers me to hear myself chewing (mainly because I assume it's bothering other people). Interestingly enough, I'm not bothered by the sound of people making out. Although I should mention that one of the people has to be me. And even then it's not that I can't hear it, it's just I've got more important business to attend to.

There are actually more items on this list but I've decided to hold off because some of them could easily fall into other lists or because they are not minor character traits but actually big faults (like being a Republican...just kidding, sort of). But please enjoy this teaser of future blog topics:

  • People who write poetry, and then want me to read it. (My worst nightmare).
  • Highly over-rated things (Including but not limited to: Coldplay, U2, DMB, Panera, Chick-Fil-A)
  • Family picture Christmas cards (Unless they are of dogs in antlers or Santa hats or something)

2 comments:

Gina said...

Errn-

You didn't point out to your readers that, although you claim not to like cats, you once came to a birthday party for a cat. Granted, it was an excuse for us to play Sweet Valley High the Drinking Game, but still you came and, if I recall, brought a present. Now, you could take the easy way out and claim that Sabrina isn't "just" a cat...but she is. She is just a cat. I suspect she is more subtly evil than most, more cute and more smart, but she is definitely just a cat.

I have to tell myself that she is "just" a cat because I sometimes fear that she is me. If our existence in relation to time isn't linear or if time itself is not linear, I could actually be Sabrina. Either in a former life or in a reincarnated version of my former self or Gina from an alternate universe as a cat. I arrived at this scary notion without the help of a Guatemalan insanity pepper, so I think that fact alone lends it at least some potential.

I agree with you on most of the rest. Nickelback blows goats, then yells at their moms for giving them the propensity to blow goats, misses their daddies [their mothers goat-blowing ran them off] and then they blow more goats. And, every now and again, they sing songs about these things, make lots of money...and then blow more goats, yell at their moms, miss their dads and blow more goats. It's a vicious, unyielding cycle.

Erin Black said...

That's quite the comment. And yes, I did attend Sabrina's b-day bash; Sabrina is a special, one of a kind feline. Plus, I find that telling people I went to a cat birthday party is a conversation starter.