Saturday, October 27, 2012

Keep a Lid on it, Crazy

The time has come. Amy Jo is confident that enough time has passed for me to reveal my most intriguing online dating experience yet. So here's a little peek at what is waiting for you on Christian Mingle. The only thing I'm editing is his personal information...all typos and proof of craziness will be left as is.
I have no idea why, but there are parts of this post that have random white backgrounds. I can't fix it...which irritates me. But I highlighted Romeo's messages in blue.

September 9, 2012
Subject: HEY MS PERFECT!!
THOSE EYES ARE BREATH TAKING!!!Hey, I would love to hear more about ya, but am a little reserved on
this, and prefer interpersonal communication....LOL!! [he gives me his phone number] Or
look me up on F.B. [he gives me his full name, although it is not the name he has a Facebook profile with]
UNTIL LATER
While I do enjoy being called perfect and told that my eyes were breath-taking, I looked at his profile and he didn't really seem like my type. He was towards the high end of my age range, conservative, and couldn't type a coherent sentence to save his life. One part of his profile said that he had a child, and another part said he didn't...I wasn't really sure what that meant.



September 15, 2012
Subject: HEY GOOD LOOKING
STILL LONELY ..... WELL... HOPE YA HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND
So, I finally responded. I asked him to tell me about himself. He didn't respond. Then I get another message about being lonely or something and I, again, asked him to tell me about himself. The response I got the following brief self-description embedded within inches and inches of HTML script.
BRUTALLY HONEST, I NEVER HAVE MUCH USEFUL TO SAY…… LOL!! SING IN THE SOWER EVERY MORNING, GO TO WORK, PLAY AN 8 BILLIAN DOLLAR VIDEO, GAME, AND DAY DREAM ABOUT COMING HOME TO A WOMAN LIKE YOU…….. WAS RAISED BY 3 WOMEN AND 1 MAN…… READ MY PROFIE ….. USED TO WATCH SOAPS WIT MY GRANDMA AND SAY. “ I WANT THAT, WITHOUT THE DRAMA” MY, GRAND[A. [His grandfather's name], COAL MINER WITH AN 8TH GRADE EDUCATION, TAUGHT ME HOW TO BE A REAL MAN….. I CARRY HIS WEDDING BAND ON MY KEEY RING…… ENGRAVED ON IT IS “WHOM VIRTUE UNITES, DEATH CANNOT SEPARATE”

Can't say as that message really inspired me to set up a date, so I laid low. A few days later I got a "hey, how's it going?" message and I sent a generic "fine, how are you?" response. Then I got this:

HEY, WE ALL GET HUNGRY, RIGHT???/ HERE IS MY CONUNDRUM ...... i AM TAKING A WEEK FF WORK TO MOVE...... MY PARENTS JUST BOUGHT THEM A HOUSE BY JACOBSON PARK..... I JUST MADE AN OFFER ON 1, TOO FAR FOR MY MOTHER TO WALK TO (LOL) SO, UHHH, YEAH,... BEEN TRYING TO GET YOUR ATTENTION FOR A WHILE..... WINK, WINK....... AT LEAST LET ME BYE YA LUNCH....[once again, he gives his phone number]
Don't you like the part about his new house being too far for his mother to walk to? Good, we won't be interrupted because I'm totally going over there. Please tell me you noticed that he wanted to BYE me lunch. The next message I got had the subject line: ONE LAST GRASP 4 U.

IT IS A PERFECT DAY 4 A PICN...IC,,,, IN THE PRESSES OF PACKING.... LETS JUST GET SOME FRESH AIR..... CARBS///LOL!!!!
I've never had an invitation to get both fresh air and carbs. The typos alone had completely turning me off...but my mom and a few friends kept convincing me that I was being too picky and that I needed to give someone a chance. So I asked if he'd like to go for coffee at Starbucks. No big commitment; I figured it would be quick and easy--like ripping off a bandaid.

Thank yout for .......... do top secret scurity I.T. stuff for Lockheed martin. dept of defense...... IN TE POSSESS OF UPGRADIN G HOUSES... PARENTS JUST BOUGNT A NEW HOUSE OFF [street name]....... I AM MAKINGAN OFFER ON ONE BEHIND JACOBSON PARK........ SO, YEAH.... DONT DRINK COFFEE BUT STAY THIRSTY..... LOL [phone number...again]
 
I should point out that later, Will said that if this guy does IT for the D.O.D, he's not surprised that all our stuff gets jacked by the Chinese. So I finally give the guy a chance and he turns it down...WTF? I couldn't resist responding to say that Starbucks did have more than coffee.
LOL!!! YOU ARE SO CUTE!!! I'M [he tells me his name again...even though he's given it to me several times], BY THE WAY........SO, NOT TRYING TO BE RUDE, BUT COULD USE A FRIEND TO HELP ME PACK MY CRAP.......... . GOTTA BE OUT OF HERE BY FRI........OHH, I AM SORRY, AM SUCH A MESS....... . CALL ME OR TEXT DOLL
First of all, did you notice that he just tried to get me to come and help him pack up his house? I'm no date expert, but that doesn't sound particularly fun. And have you noticed how he always uses some term of endearment or nickname? Sweetie, doll, cutie, etc. Speaking of that, the next message subject was "Hey cutie"
How is yoru week goin??? Mine is a mush better today
I said that my week was going well and asked how the packing was going because I didn't know what else to say.
LLL!!! Almost non existent..... washing clothes this eve...... Sadly, biggest motivator is my obnoxious neighbors.......havent got things squared away on my new house yet anway
I didn't really have anything to say to this, so I didn't respond. A few days later, I got this:
tHOUGHT YOU WAS GONNA CALL ME SO WE CAN GET TOGHER AND CARAMELS... LOL!! TO ME, ARBITRARY AS DRINKING COFFEE.... [phone number. again]
Alright. Atrocious grammar and capslock abuse aside, I have to give the guy credit for the Good Will Hunting reference. That is a great movie. The next message was another HEY GOOD LOOKING.
How is your week going?? Plans for the weekend?? I would love to meet ya and hear more!!! lets gout out Frii??? dinner, movie???
[name and number]
I gave in. I determined that it might be a good idea if I actually went on a date before I turned 30. And no one else was chasing me on these sites, so maybe this was the best I could do.
LOL!!! OKAY.... YOU'VE GOT MU NUMBER...... HOPE YA HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!! I SURE PLAN TO
UNTIL LATER
So he still can't manage to pick a place. I asked what he wanted to do.
LOL!! you mean next weekend??? No clue.... I know this Sat is gonna be perfect 4 a picnic......... what will that be ?? 6th?? Depends on if yyour plans change, what time you are available...... unfortunately I am still living closer to Brannon crossig, so dinner and a movie..... Go to Hobby lobby get some candle wax and I can teach ya.... I have jars, wics, scents, etc............ well, you have a week to think about it...... i have a gorupon for phil harmonic not sure when it is.....
He sure loves him some picnics. And yes, you did read the line about candle wax correctly. I can't count the number of creepy places my mind went to after that. I told him that I liked Mexican food and named a restaurant that I don't like, so that I wouldn't have to stop going to a good place to avoid him.
sweetheart, I wanna tour the world just to try new foods.... LOVE MEXICAN....... You didnt say if you would like me to teach you how to make candles... LOL!! REMINDER, IF YOU CALL ME GAY, I WILL BE FORCED TO PROVE TO YOU HOW MUCH I AM NOT... LOL!!! i am a brilliant guy, but you have kept me off balance....... I am so intrigued......... So do you wann go out Oct 6??? or tomorrow??/ am My parents are having my sister a bday party tomorrow at their new house off [street name], which you are welcome....... I sense we are getting closer, so I will implore lil more patience..... still dont have your number?!!?? [phone number]

[full name]... ACQUIRED TOP SECRET SECURITY CLEARANCE, WHICH PROVES I AM HONEST.... 3 DAY INTERIGATION BY MY OWN GOV..... LOL! I talk too much, I know.. wear my heart on my sleeve...
I'm a little terrified of how he planned on proving how not gay he is. And apparently I'm welcome at a family event.
GOOD MORNING BEAUTIFUL!!!

Not trying to be difficult, but I still do not have your number, and do you mean tonight?? I can be there, but I have only met 1 woman on here, and she could neither hear nor speak, and I was ambushed by all ger friends, asking me questions, and pretty sure mistranslating...... awkward ........I wasnt mean to her, but had no choice but just get up and leave.... HENCE FORTH.... WOULD LIKE A CELL NUMBER AND DEFINITIVE ANSWER....LOL!!
YEAH, .... this feels funny. You typed, ... I feel like we and dancing in riddles........ Maybe there is some accuracy in this color scheme on here... LOL!! ANYWAY, I wanna meet, ya, but not blindly...... Additionally, I am recovering from a Traumatic brain injury, and have a heightened sense of anxiety in public, so I wouldnt recognize you immediately..... TEXT OR CALL.... I WILL BE WEARING BLUE.... GET PAID $1,200 EVERY FRIDAY AFTER TAXES, RETIRE, ETC.... MY NEW FORD EDGE STICKS OUT LIKE A SORE THUMB.... . YOU WILL SEE ME PULL IN..... FOR SOME REASON, GOD WONT LET ME GIVE UP ON YA........

until later doll,
( I HAVE A COMPLEX ABOUT SAYING , "BYE" CUZ IT SEEMS TOO Permanent
So he demands my number. And yes, it does say "traumatic brain injury". I didn't ask him how much he makes, but for some reason he told me. By now, I had given into what appeared to be my fate. I gave him my number.
THANKS DOLL... HAD MY HOPES UP FOR TODAY... LOL!!! WILL TEXT YA...
Up next, the text message vomiting that followed.

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