Tuesday, December 22, 2009

The Jersey Shore Situation

Years ago, I bought my brother a funny shirt from Urban Outfitters that said, "New Jersey only the strong survive". We, as Americans, have lovingly poked fun at New Jersey for years. I say lovingly because we've always known that just like most stereotypes, the majority of New Jersey residents were actually nothing like that. Enter: Jersey Shore. If we can't count on MTV to perpetuate stereotypes and promote the downward spiral of humanity, who can we count on? I'd like to thank the fine people at MTV for creating the wildly ridiculous Jersey Shore reality show and thus, making this post possible.
Naturally, I'd heard of the show and seen a number of humorous texts from last night on the subject, but I never dreamed I would watch it. Leave it to the always hilarious Daniel O'Brien of cracked.com to change my mind. My friend sent me the link to his article, Jersey Shore: Worst Thing to Happen to East Coast Since 9/11. How could I not want to read that? He rips the show to shreds so well that my friend Amy (not to be confused with my oh-so-famous mother, Amy Jo) and I decided that we might have to watch the show since it was so easy to rip on. We hadn't actually followed through on our plan, but when I started housesitting the other night I was bored and there was nothing else on TV. That's when it all began.

What kind of characters are on Jersey Shore, you ask? First, imagine white trash middle schoolers. Next imagine that they have their own house, a jacuzzi, unlimited alcohol and they sleep in tanning beds to maintain an eerie yet pleasant orange glow. When they aren't calling themselves guidos and guidettes--because, let's face it, we've all wondered why there isn't a female version of a guido--they insist on going by their self-imposed nicknames. A nickname is not something you can give yourself...unless you're on Jersey Shore. Example nicknames include: Snooki, JWoww, Jolie and The Situation.

What does one wear on the Jersey Shore? Honestly, the real question is what don't you wear on the Jersey Shore? If you're a guy, you should be more opposed to the concept of a shirt than Matthew McConaughey. It's not their fault though--you can't show off your overly pumped muscles, leathery tan and classy tattoos with a shirt on. But don't worry, you can still must wear your gold chains. If you absolutely have to wear a shirt, it for damn sure needs to be a tank top or a muscle tee. Why do they even make other shirts? Next, disregard the recommended amount of hair gel written on the container; they don't know what they're talking about. Pop on some lip gloss, and you're good to go.

Girls have a few more clothing options...let's start at the top and work our way down.
  • Hair     First, obtain any of the following: blonde streaks (they look great with black hair), clip-in extensions, a bump-it (how else will you create that amazing poof?), and some sort of potato chip bag clip to hold it all back.
  • Make-up     This is crucial. We can skip foundation because, thanks to tanning, your skin is a lovely shade of orange. Perfect, more time to spend on your eyes! Apply more eyeliner than a high school girl (I didn't think it was possible either, but apparently it is). Where fingernails are concerned, it's either acrylic or just chop your hands off.
  • Jewelry     Anything with a cross on it. Your shining example of Christ's love might not be enough, so make sure people know what religion you're representing. If you don't feel like wearing a cross, may I suggest a rhinestone outline of New Jersey? And don't forget your gigantic hoop earrings!
  • Shirt     Damn society, and it's requirement for women to wear shirts. Luckily, the Jersey Shore "ladies" have found a way to wear a shirt but still show off their breasts. There's 2 options, either wear a shirt that's split down the middle (to show off your gigantic fake breasts) or get a t-shirt and shred it.
  • Pants     We're going for an understated element here. Whether you're rocking shorts or a skirt, make sure it barely covers your ass checks...and while you're at it, stock up on some Vagisil because I have a feeling there are some yeast infections in your future. Some people might tell you that underwear is a requirement, on the Jersey Shore we call those people prudes. Interestingly enough, not all pants have to be spray-painted on. You can wear sweat pants as long as you roll the top of them over a few times and pair them with a bikini top, shredded t-shirt, etc.
  • Shoes     All I can say is, not enough people buy their shoes at Hustler. You just can't get that height of heels at a regular shoe store.
Stay tuned for more Jersey Shore posts...it's too easy, they almost write themselves.

1 comment:

Amy Haag said...

i take back what i said about possibly watching this show. i think your hypothesis about acquiring a negative iq was correct. one show was about all i could handle mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and while retaining any semblance of literacy.

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