A Good Way to End Thanksgiving

A really good way to end Thanksgiving includes stumbling upon a Christian Mingle profile of the most long-winded dude in the greater Cincinatti area. He wrote paragraph upon paragraph about his future wife--right down to how he'd ideally like her to dress (long hair & skirts--big surprise). Actually he went on to talk about modesty and how "the revealing of a woman's shape was meant to bean invitation for her husband to experience her." And you know what, I fully agree with that which is why I wear a burka at all times. I even wear it in the shower, because what if my dogs push the bathroom door open while I'm showering and poke their heads behind the curtain? That's scarlet letter material right there.

The good news is he will "never restrict her in any way without clear reason or purpose." That works out well for me because as a woman living in the year 2012 I'm totally cool with some guy bossing me around provided he has a clear reason. And I'm sure this guy would know what's best for me--he has completed some classes at a Bible college and now works at a coffee shop. Take that, BA in international business & Spanish plus MA in education!

I should also mention that he doesn't want his wife to work outside the home. She'll clearly be too busy cooking, cleaning, and conceiving...not to mention the upkeep that her long flowing hair will require. They probably didn't cover this during his brief stint at bible college but ain't nobody raising a family on nothing more than a barista salary.

He also had a pretty decent diatribe about sex. I mean, boy loves him some Song of Solomon. Believe it or not, he's a virgin (although I don't see how we weak minded women can resist jumping his bones when he talks). Seriously though, that's cool if he wants to wait to have sex until he's married. It works for some people and not for others, I don't care. I did get a vibe that he's one if those "I think our first kiss should be on our wedding day" types. No matter where you stand on premarital sex, I think we can all agree that's nuts. It's obvious these people have never been kissed because if they had they would realize that it's awesome and refuse to give it up. If I'm dating someone, you can be damn sure that kissing will be involved. Back when Facebook groups were all the rage, I belonged to a group called "I like cupcakes and making out." And all I'm saying is I can't have cupcakes anymore...

I got a bit off track there. Where was I? Oh right, sex. He appears to be in the process of building it up quite a bit; and there's nothing wrong with that. To my knowledge very few people out there are saying, "Sex? Meh, take it or leave it." And if they are saying that, they might be doing it wrong. What he fails to take into account is the fact that not many people are super awesome at something the first time they do it. Remember the first time you rode a bike without training wheels? Did you coast down the cul-de-sac like a young, non-doping Lance Armstrong? Nope. You probably fell off...immediately. It's my personal opinion that sex can be the same way. Well, hopefully nobody falls off and they probably won't be wearing helmets or be out in the middle of the street, but you get what I'm saying. If my membership to Christian Mingle hadn't expired and I still had the capability to send messages, I'd drop him a line and advise dialing down the crazy just a bit.

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Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! I hope you've found yourself in a slight food coma due to all the delicious goodies you ate today. Actually, I won't lie to you...I'm about ready for some dessert. Just waiting for someone else to make the call so I don't seem like the pig. It could take awhile because they all ate bready stuff like rolls and stuffing (and I obviously did not).

There's so much to be thankful for! I didn't do that popular Facebook thing where you talk about one thing you're thankful for every day because it kind of annoys me. Sometimes it seems a bit forced. But if you like it, that's cool. Basically I'm thankful for just about everything in my life. Even the crappy parts are exponentially better than the best parts of some people's lives around the world. I hope everyone out there realizes that, too.

Don't forget, tomorrow you have my permission to put up the Christmas tree and start listening to Christmas music.

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Wait for it...

I know I'm not the only person in the world who is opposed to hearing Christmas music before Thanksgiving. It really irritates me. In fact, a few days before Halloween I was looking for some last minute additions to my Hipster Zombie costume and had a hard time finding the Halloween stuff because Christmas crap was already out. What the what, people?

In my book, we celebrate one holiday at a time. *Note: My birthday however can be celebrated throughout the year. Guess what comes after Halloween? Thanks-freaking-giving. Not Christmas. There's a local radio station called Mix 94.5 and when I was in high school they came up with this clever (or so they thought) thing known as "Mixmas" where they played nothing but Christmas music. I remember being skeptical at the time, because there are only so many Christmas songs...and a number of them are no good. How many covers of I'll Be Home for Christmas can I person stand? If memory serves, Mixmas originally started the day after Thanksgiving. The past few years it has started on November 1. That's too early.

I'm not even looking at this from the philosophical "why do we rush through life" angle (although it is valid). It just irritates me that people skip Thanksgiving. We have a set calendar, with set holidays that are celebrated in a particular order. You can't just go celebrating whatever you want whenever you want. If that were the case, I'd opt to store up all the Valentine's Days I have accumulated as a single lady and wait to celebrate them should anyone ever decide to date me (and based on my online dating stories, it's pretty clear I have my pick of the fellas).

Maybe that's what I'll do. 27 straight Valentine's Days. Hell, I'm going to go ahead and say 28 because there doesn't appear to be anything on the horizon...I did get a wink from a guy pictured holding a very large gun in one of his pictures, so there's always that option. It appears as though I have strayed slightly from my original topic.

I don't want to see/hear anything about Christmas until the day after Thanksgiving. End of story.

Have you no shame?

First of all, I finally figured out how to turn off the auto-renewal on match.com, which is a relief. I'm still a member through December 12 and I'm sure we can squeeze a couple more crazy stories between now and then. The Christian Mingle account runs out some time next week.

I did notice a super sneaky move by Match...on the site's toolbar, the home button has always been on the far left (just like me, haha). Apparently, once you deactivate your account the home button moves one space over to the right and its original location is replaced by the "reactivate" button. You're not fooling me, Match. I'm onto you.

I had to fill out something saying why I wasn't renewing my subscription, so naturally I decided to have a little fun. I said I wasn't renewing because I hadn't met as many potential matches as I had anticipated. I had only expected a handful (and I have little hands), but I met zero. Then there was a comment section where you could suggest how to make the site better. I wrote, "It seemed that your definition of a suitable match was that the person was male. It was like I hadn't answered any questions about what I was looking for at all. But don't feel bad, I've been using Christian Mingle and it sucks, too."

One thing I miss from my old job is eating lunch with my friends every day. Most days I sit out in my office [in a portable] and I eat lunch at my desk alone. It's not as pathetic as it sounds, largely in part because I am an introvert and enjoy alone time. The other thing that makes it not pathetic is what I have [just now] named Lunchtime Inter-Webs Exploration. LIWE consists of me clicking around on ridiculous things while enjoying whatever it is I've brought for lunch. My go-to sit is Happy Place. The site is run by the people who run Some E-Cards, and who doesn't love those? Happy Place is a treasure trove of links and lists to awesomeness. For example, screen grabs of Facebook Drama Queens. It's stuff I don't have to think about.

Yesterday, I learned that there's something called We the People on the White House website where people can submit online petitions and try to get people to sign them. Petitions for anything. Even ridiculous stuff. There are certain days in which my job has a lot of small, 30 minute breaks. Not enough time to get a lot accomplished, but enough time to scroll through some weird ass petitions and ask myself, "Why am I just now finding out about this?"

This post has been a very round about way to get to one of my discoveries earlier in the week. There I was, enjoying my LIWE when one story sent me to a website called Mandatory. Based on some initial observations, I can't believe I've never been to this site before now. The story was an experiment in online dating--more specifically, the desperation of men involved in online dating. Nobody's saying that the woman aren't desperate too, they just didn't do a story about us.

The experiment was to see how many guys would chat up a completely guano girl just because she was hot. They posted a cute picture and then made the rest of the profile crazy. And every time a guy tried to IM with her, they sent back the craziest responses. Here's what they received during the first six hours of the profile being posted. And to those guys I ask, have you no shame?

I would also like to thank Mandatory for proving to me that there are plenty of crazier people who could've been after me had I joined some of the shadier online dating sites.

Hot Button Issues with Amy Jo

When we came home from dinner on Election Day, Amy Jo and I had a Brit conversation about one of the most hot button political topics out there: abortion. I am and always have been pro-choice. Mom is also pro-choice, but she's always been a bit more conflicted about it than I have. Maybe conflicted isn't the right word; that makes me sound pretty heartless, but I can't think of a better word. She's always been of the "I would never get an abortion because it conflicts with my moral and religious beliefs but it's not my place to tell someone else they can't get one" camp.

She opened the conversation by telling me that she'd been thinking about the abortion issue earlier that day. Here are the things she thought of:

• Why do we put the rights of the fetus above the rights of the mother? Everyone is always talking about the life of the fetus. But what about the life of the woman, who is already alive? Why does that seem to matter less?
• The more I think about it, the more this seems like a right-wing, ultra conservative way to keep women down. To take away a woman's ability to make a decision about her own body makes it seem like she can't possibly make the decision herself.
• A lot of people oppose abortion because of religious reasons. Why do people think they can legislate others into the kingdom? It has to be a change of heart. Just because it becomes illegal doesn't mean people won't do it. Something being illegal has never stopped a lot of people before. Take a look at the war on drugs, drugs are illegal and that doesn't stop people from doing them.

My response when she was done talking was, "Welcome to what I've been thinking for a long time." She's pretty smart, my mom. I'm lucky to live with such a forward-thinking Christian (so often those traits are mutually exclusive).

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Election Day Retrospectus

I had a number of random thoughts on Election Day that I bought I'd share with you.

• Best/most amazing thing about Election Day: Taking part in the democratic process. Second best: sleeping in.
• The next time I vote for President, I'll be in my 30s. I will no longer be part of the youth vote.
• Why do these other parties even have candidates for President? The Green Party? The Libertarian Party? Come on man, we all know you ain't winning this thing. Do you think they vote for themselves or do they know better than to waste their vote?
• Pick 4 names for soil and water something? What the heck is that?! Well, I guess I'll pick the four names I like the best. Sorry, Random Dude Jr...you lost my vote because your name has Jr.
• I'm failing to see this as the "nail biting, close call race that the pundits had built it up to be."
• If Mitt Romney wins, I will refer to him as "Mittens". (Sadly I didn't come up with that; I heard a friend say it)
• I wonder what it's like to live in a blue state?
• Hold up. Some states were voting to legalize marijuana? How did I miss that?

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Here's the Skinny

Why do all these weight-loss ads try to lure me with the promise of skinny jeans? When I lose (or re-lose...grr, damn candy) this weight I'm going to treat myself to something more flattering than skinny jeans. Skinny jeans look good on NO ONE. I define skinny jeans in the traditional sense: Those jeans hidden in the back of your closet that you refuse to get rid of in some desperate hope that you will fit into them once again. I'm pretty sure that definition is in the Bible (somewhere in the back).

And as long as we're on the subject...I became enraged/incredibly depressed/disgusted when I saw my reflection in the mirror at the gym tonight. I knew I was off track (to put it nicely--the more accurate statement would be something along the lines of "I knew I'd royally f*cked everything up again.") but for some reason tonight was the first time I actually saw it.

I managed to finish out Hip Hop Hustle without crying and then (naturally) proceeded to my car in order to weep like a crazy person. Once my overreaction had downgraded from Biblical to merely ridiculous, I began to drive home. I started thinking about the cause of all my problems.

Sweets. I love sweets. You know those people who say, "I'm not really big on sweets,"? I always want to ask them if they're certain they're eating sweets correctly. I mean, have you tasted sugar? It's delicious! I guess sweets aren't the root of the problem. The problem is my lack of self control combined with an addictive personality. Do you know how often I think to myself, "it's a damn good thing I never did any hardcore drugs,"?

Moderation ranks right up there with patience on the List of Things I'm Super Good at. This is America after all. If you're going to do something, you'd better be willing to give it one hundred and crazy percent. I finally recognized the fact that I cannot be trusted to eat delicious, delicious sweets. So I will be attempting to go cold turkey from things like candy...starting tomorrow. I didn't even do my usual "last meal".

According to all media portrayals of an addict getting on the wagon, "admitting you have a problem is the hardest part." That may be true, but I have a feeling that the "not eating amazingly tasty treats" is going to give "admitting I have a problem" a run for its money.

Why am I telling you this? Well, because I wanted to write that skinny jeans thing down before I forgot. And I'm also warning those of you who actually interact with me in the Real World. I can't imagine this is going to be pretty. If I threaten or insult you while suffering sugar withdrawal, I apologize.

It's going to be like the episode of The Simpsons where Marge gets sugar outlawed and everybody loses it. I plan on portraying the role of Ralph Wiggum, who sits on the playground rocking back and forth saying, "My baby! My baby!" I was going to compare it to Golum's obsession with The Precious but I hope to God I'm not that bad.

 

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Run from Crazy Snake Man

I'm beginning to believe that God dislikes hyperbole. It seems as though every time I claim that the world's creepiest creep has viewed my online dating profile God sees it as a challenge. "Really," He says. "The creepiest? Think again!"

I signed on to good ol' Match.com while enjoying some spaghetti after Hip Hop Hustle class this evening. Why? Because I like to be entertained while I dine. Ah, I see two new members have viewed my profile. Could it be more awkward than the impotent man older than my parents? One member's headline caught my eye: I'm the Crazy Reptile Man your mother warned you about.

First of all, Amy Jo has done me a great disservice by never warning me about Crazy Reptile Men. Now, you can't read someone's self-given title of Crazy Reptile Man and then not click on his profile. As far as I'm concerned this is why I have this membership. Click.

He's 45 (hooray, closer to my age) and lives in Arizona (so close!). He has uploaded 9 pictures to his profile. 1 picture is of him (meh...not horrible, definitely has that Crazy Reptile Man glaze I've read so much about). The remaining 8 pictures are of some of his pets. I know that not all pets are pictured because underneath pets he has written, "reptiles and amphibians too numerous to name but some pics are posted." Oh buddy, you'd better believe I clicked on every picture. Allow me to provide you with the picture captions and my subsequent reactions.

• Bumble Bee isn't just a cool name for a Transformer it works for Dart Frogs too! Hmm...are dart frogs poisonous? The presence of "dart" in the name does not instill much confidence within me.
• And you thought the Geico Gecko was cool! I don't know about cool...amusing is probably more accurate. And I like him as the spokeslizard of a car insurance company I would never use--not as a pet.
• I was about 3 seconds from having my hand removed in this pic, luckily I got away in time! What the hell animal is that? A Komodo Dragon?
• Now tell me what could possibly be cuter than a Baby Gila Monster? Oh I don't know, how about an effing dog? Or maybe something that doesn't have the word "monster" in the name.
• What else can be said? Blue frogs are just plain cool. Yea, I suppose they are...but not as pets.
• My beautiful baby albino ball python. Negatory, Ghost Rider. I don't know where to begin...albino, ball python...so many terrifying words.
• Smiling for the camera. This picture is a snake curled up in his hand with its mouth wide open. He's aimed at the camera; as though he's about to strike.
• Big Reggie my Argentine Tegu hanging out with my friend's dog Chuy. What even is an Argentine Whatever? And why does that person clearly hate their dog?

The good news is, if I can deal with his "cold-blooded family" then the rest of the relationship should be cake. What else can be said about this character? Nothing.

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