I signed on to good ol' Match.com while enjoying some spaghetti after Hip Hop Hustle class this evening. Why? Because I like to be entertained while I dine. Ah, I see two new members have viewed my profile. Could it be more awkward than the impotent man older than my parents? One member's headline caught my eye: I'm the Crazy Reptile Man your mother warned you about.
First of all, Amy Jo has done me a great disservice by never warning me about Crazy Reptile Men. Now, you can't read someone's self-given title of Crazy Reptile Man and then not click on his profile. As far as I'm concerned this is why I have this membership. Click.
He's 45 (hooray, closer to my age) and lives in Arizona (so close!). He has uploaded 9 pictures to his profile. 1 picture is of him (meh...not horrible, definitely has that Crazy Reptile Man glaze I've read so much about). The remaining 8 pictures are of some of his pets. I know that not all pets are pictured because underneath pets he has written, "reptiles and amphibians too numerous to name but some pics are posted." Oh buddy, you'd better believe I clicked on every picture. Allow me to provide you with the picture captions and my subsequent reactions.
- Bumble Bee isn't just a cool name for a Transformer it works for Dart Frogs too! Hmm...are dart frogs poisonous? The presence of "dart" in the name does not instill much confidence within me.
- And you thought the Geico Gecko was cool! I don't know about cool...amusing is probably more accurate. And I like him as the spokeslizard of a car insurance company I would never use--not as a pet.
- I was about 3 seconds from having my hand removed in this pic, luckily I got away in time! What the hell animal is that? A Komodo Dragon?
- Now tell me what could possibly be cuter than a Baby Gila Monster? Oh I don't know, how about an effing dog? Or maybe something that doesn't have the word "monster" in the name.
- What else can be said? Blue frogs are just plain cool. Yea, I suppose they are...but not as pets.
- My beautiful baby albino ball python. Negatory, Ghost Rider. I don't know where to begin...albino, ball python...so many terrifying words.
- Smiling for the camera. This picture is a snake curled up in his hand with its mouth wide open. He's aimed at the camera; as though he's about to strike.
- Big Reggie my Argentine Tegu hanging out with my friend's dog Chuy. What even is an Argentine Whatever? And why does that person clearly hate their dog?