Friday, November 2, 2012

Run from Crazy Snake Man

I'm beginning to believe that God dislikes hyperbole. It seems as though every time I claim that the world's creepiest creep has viewed my online dating profile God sees it as a challenge. "Really," He says. "The creepiest? Think again!"

I signed on to good ol' Match.com while enjoying some spaghetti after Hip Hop Hustle class this evening. Why? Because I like to be entertained while I dine. Ah, I see two new members have viewed my profile. Could it be more awkward than the impotent man older than my parents? One member's headline caught my eye: I'm the Crazy Reptile Man your mother warned you about.

First of all, Amy Jo has done me a great disservice by never warning me about Crazy Reptile Men. Now, you can't read someone's self-given title of Crazy Reptile Man and then not click on his profile. As far as I'm concerned this is why I have this membership. Click.

He's 45 (hooray, closer to my age) and lives in Arizona (so close!). He has uploaded 9 pictures to his profile. 1 picture is of him (meh...not horrible, definitely has that Crazy Reptile Man glaze I've read so much about). The remaining 8 pictures are of some of his pets. I know that not all pets are pictured because underneath pets he has written, "reptiles and amphibians too numerous to name but some pics are posted." Oh buddy, you'd better believe I clicked on every picture. Allow me to provide you with the picture captions and my subsequent reactions.

  • Bumble Bee isn't just a cool name for a Transformer it works for Dart Frogs too! Hmm...are dart frogs poisonous? The presence of "dart" in the name does not instill much confidence within me.
  • And you thought the Geico Gecko was cool! I don't know about cool...amusing is probably more accurate. And I like him as the spokeslizard of a car insurance company I would never use--not as a pet.
  • I was about 3 seconds from having my hand removed in this pic, luckily I got away in time! What the hell animal is that? A Komodo Dragon?
  • Now tell me what could possibly be cuter than a Baby Gila Monster? Oh I don't know, how about an effing dog? Or maybe something that doesn't have the word "monster" in the name.
  • What else can be said? Blue frogs are just plain cool. Yea, I suppose they are...but not as pets.
  • My beautiful baby albino ball python. Negatory, Ghost Rider. I don't know where to begin...albino, ball python...so many terrifying words.
  • Smiling for the camera. This picture is a snake curled up in his hand with its mouth wide open. He's aimed at the camera; as though he's about to strike.
  • Big Reggie my Argentine Tegu hanging out with my friend's dog Chuy. What even is an Argentine Whatever? And why does that person clearly hate their dog?
The good news is, if I can deal with his "cold-blooded family" then the rest of the relationship should be cake. What else can be said about this character? Nothing.

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