Thursday, November 22, 2012

A Good Way to End Thanksgiving

A really good way to end Thanksgiving includes stumbling upon a Christian Mingle profile of the most long-winded dude in the greater Cincinatti area. He wrote paragraph upon paragraph about his future wife--right down to how he'd ideally like her to dress (long hair & skirts--big surprise). Actually he went on to talk about modesty and how "the revealing of a woman's shape was meant to bean invitation for her husband to experience her." And you know what, I fully agree with that which is why I wear a burka at all times. I even wear it in the shower, because what if my dogs push the bathroom door open while I'm showering and poke their heads behind the curtain? That's scarlet letter material right there.

The good news is he will "never restrict her in any way without clear reason or purpose." That works out well for me because as a woman living in the year 2012 I'm totally cool with some guy bossing me around provided he has a clear reason. And I'm sure this guy would know what's best for me--he has completed some classes at a Bible college and now works at a coffee shop. Take that, BA in international business & Spanish plus MA in education!

I should also mention that he doesn't want his wife to work outside the home. She'll clearly be too busy cooking, cleaning, and conceiving...not to mention the upkeep that her long flowing hair will require. They probably didn't cover this during his brief stint at bible college but ain't nobody raising a family on nothing more than a barista salary.

He also had a pretty decent diatribe about sex. I mean, boy loves him some Song of Solomon. Believe it or not, he's a virgin (although I don't see how we weak minded women can resist jumping his bones when he talks). Seriously though, that's cool if he wants to wait to have sex until he's married. It works for some people and not for others, I don't care. I did get a vibe that he's one if those "I think our first kiss should be on our wedding day" types. No matter where you stand on premarital sex, I think we can all agree that's nuts. It's obvious these people have never been kissed because if they had they would realize that it's awesome and refuse to give it up. If I'm dating someone, you can be damn sure that kissing will be involved. Back when Facebook groups were all the rage, I belonged to a group called "I like cupcakes and making out." And all I'm saying is I can't have cupcakes anymore...

I got a bit off track there. Where was I? Oh right, sex. He appears to be in the process of building it up quite a bit; and there's nothing wrong with that. To my knowledge very few people out there are saying, "Sex? Meh, take it or leave it." And if they are saying that, they might be doing it wrong. What he fails to take into account is the fact that not many people are super awesome at something the first time they do it. Remember the first time you rode a bike without training wheels? Did you coast down the cul-de-sac like a young, non-doping Lance Armstrong? Nope. You probably fell off...immediately. It's my personal opinion that sex can be the same way. Well, hopefully nobody falls off and they probably won't be wearing helmets or be out in the middle of the street, but you get what I'm saying. If my membership to Christian Mingle hadn't expired and I still had the capability to send messages, I'd drop him a line and advise dialing down the crazy just a bit.

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