I like the idea of mistletoe. I always have. A plant that requires people to kiss, what's not to love? According to this Wikipedia article I just skimmed about mistletoe, the concept of kissing under the mistletoe may be Scandanavian in origin. Guess who else is Scandanavian in origin? My people. Maybe that's why I like it; it figures that a people as bossy as the Vikings would create bossy plants.Oh I won't ask for much this Christmas. I won't even wish for snow.And I'm just going to keep waiting underneath the mistletoe.
Now, I'm no mistletoe kissing expert. I'm actually a mistletoe kissing virgin (and I assume most people are because how often do you see mistletoe?). It is on my list of things to do. I always feel the need to participate in quintessential pop culture experiences. If you're like me, why not try some of these tips I just invented for mistletoe success?
- Don't just stand there! Remember that saying about how if Mohammed won't go to the mountain then we have to bring the mountain to Mohammed? Or maybe I got that backwards; whatever, it doesn't matter. The point is that it's crucial to circulate and mingle at a party (especially if you are apparently trying to kiss one of the other guests). Why not attach some mistletoe to your head? That way you don't have to stand under it all night.
- Work with a partner. Not interested in looking like a crazy person with a plant attached to their head? Well, that's probably for the best. Why not take turns with a friend, sneaking up behind people and springing the mistletoe on them so they can't escape? When I was in a sorority, we had a signal during rush parties in case we were having a hard time keeping a conversation going with a potential member. You and your friend can employ the same technique. Make sure to alternate whose turn it is to hold the mistletoe, we all have to do our part.
- Hire a professional. People are so quick to judge prostitutes, but you know what they get the job done. Now I know what you're thinking, "We've got this whole Fiscal Cliff situation going on and while I find it too boring to actually educate myself about it, I have a sinking suspicion that I shouldn't be throwing good money away on hookers." Let's be honest, how much could one kiss under the mistletoe possibly cost? It can't be that much. I'd imagine times are hard for the world's oldest profession, too. Beggars can't be choosers.
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