- 3:00 P.M. I really like Laurel's idea of adding a "Sorry about your public flumiliation" section to Hallmark. We should do that. She makes an excellent Watson to my Sherlock Holmes with a better rack.
- 6:20 P.M. When Pierce Brosnan auditioned for Mamma Mia!, did they really not see a problem with his voice?
- 9:00 P.M. Who the fuck is Joe Wilson and are people glad they voted for him?
- 11:50 P.M. I think Jesse Spencer (Dr. Chase from House) plays the musician in Uptown Girls! I should watch it to confirm.
- 11:51 P.M. I bet when normal people are jolted awake by an epiphany, it's of something useful and not the realization of a six-degrees-of-Kevin-Bacon type game.
- 11:52 P.M. Where did I put that paper where I wrote down my successful round of that game where I connected Britney Spears to Kevin Bacon in 6 steps? That's one of my proudest accomplishments...I need to find that or do it again.
- 11:30 A.M. Why does daytime Robitussin taste exponentially worse than nighttime Robitussin? The thing that helps me sleep must be delicious.
- 11:40 A.M. The hairstyle that looks best with a surgical mask--pigtails. Coincidence? I think not! I declare pigtails to be the official hairstyle of the swine flu.
- 1:15 P.M. Uptown Girls has a pig in it! I've unknowingly continued my pig marathon.
- 3:25 P.M. Everytime Cosmo is in my mailbox, I have an excitement that can only be compared to that of Billy Madison on Nudey Magazine Day.
- 7:00 P.M. It's interesting that in TV and movies, all psychiatrists' have phrenology skulls in their offices, despite the fact that phrenology was dismissed as a science before the turn of the 20th century. Maybe it's for a kitsch factor...I want a phrenology skull.
Mr. Smithers: Sir, phrenology was dismissed as quackery 160 years ago.
Mr. Burns: You would say that! You have the brain pan of a stage coach tilter!
- 9:30 P.M. I think the world just hates me this week; on top of having the swine flu, I got the bejesus smacked out of me by my car door after Amy Jo and I got blizzards and now I banged my shin on the ottoman. Seriously?!
- 10:28 P.M. www.peopleofwalmart.com is one of my new favorite sites! Check this lady out...I would so karate chop her finger nails if I saw her! That shit is gross! And I bet they smell. I wonder if people call her Wolverine?
- 11:50 P.M. When you think about it, bacon is the symbol of wealth. People talk about "bringing home the bacon," and I'd love to know where that expression came from. Also, anytime you want to add bacon to something, it costs extra.
- 9:30 A.M. Hey, this is the lowest my temperature has been throughout this swine flu...96.6
- 10:22 A.M. I should spiff my blog up with some more gadgets...I can connect it to my twitter and give people the ability to share my posts via Twitter and Facebook. I think the "Swine Flu Prevention Tips" gadget is a day late and a dollar short.
- 11:10 A.M. Why does it hurt when I shave my leg? Oh right...I smacked my shin on the damn ottoman.
- 12:07 P.M. I'm so bored I could cry.
- 1:17 P.M. Watching a program on gigantism...Amy Jo is claiming to be a giant to which I reply, "Yes, one of those rare short giants."
- 5:42 P.M. I think they call it swine flu because your stomach is fine. You don't throw up and lose weight like the other flu...you stay a pig. Leave it to me to catch the non-weight loss flu.
- 5:44 P.M. Love Actually is such a great movie. Sometimes I think about not being friends with people who don't like it.
- 9:30 P.M. It's always nice to discover that the doctor didn't give you the standard issue medicine you should've gotten for the swine flu. Why did I believe her when she said to just take OTC products? There's no point in me taking the perscription pills now.
- 12:00 P.M. It might be nice to have a celebratory pig roast after this whole ordeal is over.
- 1:45 P.M. I sure have watched a lot of things about sharks lately.
- 2:53 P.M. I want to hang out with Flo, the Progressive Insurance lady. She seems cool. And if the Geico gekko can come too, well that's all the better!