Thursday, July 30, 2009

Sarah Palin is like a Horror Film Villain

Sometimes I wrestle with whether or not I should pursue this career in teaching or just devote my life to pointing out how stupid Sarah Palin is. Both careers would be demanding and busy...but teachers get summers off, and stupid never takes a vacation. And I likes my vacations, so I guess I'll have to moonlight as a Palin critic. I can live with that.

Remember before I knew Sarah Palin existed? It was a simpler time, that I look back upon with fond memories. Back in Black devotees will recall my feelings about Sarah Palin and one of my hopes after Obama's election was that Sarah Palin "go back to whatever igloo she crawled out from under and that I never have to hear from her again." (Read it all here). And for awhile, it seemed as though I was going to get my wish. All was relatively quiet on the Alaskan front. But all good things must come to an end. (Cue "You Can't Always Get What You Want" by the Rolling Stones).

I received some relief in that most of the Sarah Palin coverage is focusing on how mind-blowingly stupid she is. For example, Stephen Colbert's goodbye to Palin was fantastic! (I tried to put the video directly into the blog but sadly it wouldn't work. Believe me, the link is worth clicking!).

It was after I saw Palin's farewell speech that I realized I need to attend her school for public speaking. You see, at the Sarah Palin Center for Joe and Jane Six Packs Who Wanna Learn How to Speak Good and Do Other Stuff Good Too, we don't get all caught up with issues such as "not sounding like an idiot" and "making sense." We focus on the important aspects of public speaking--mainly, listing all the words you know. A sampling of required courses at the Center include:
  • Mentioning the Troops 101: Discover how to work the troops into your everyday conversation. If anyone hates your speeches, they obviously hate the troops.
  • Folksy Nonsense 300: *Please note that this is an upper level course that should not be attempted by beginners* Come hear guest lecturers such as Ross Perot and "Dr." Phil demonstrate how to dumbfound everyone with nonsensical, meaningless homespun phrases.
Or how about William Shatner reading Palin's tweets as poetry on the Tonight Show? I briefly toyed with the idea of following her on Twitter just so I could witness the stupidity.

They're funny because they're true. The disappointing part is that she still has a following of people who believe she has the mental capacity to run this country. Does anyone else feel more confident in her leadership now that she has one incomplete term (filled with controversy and investigations of power abuse) as governor of the 47th most populated state in the country? I know I do.

I've determined that much like a villain in a horror movie, Sarah Palin is never really gone. She's there, lurking, waiting for you to feel safe and comfortable. That's when she swoops in an sets women's rights back 50 years and demands nothing but abstinence only education.

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