Sunday, July 6, 2008


I wrote this on November 11, 2007

Although there are many different types of relationships, I have a tendency to focus on those of a romantic nature. More specifically, I focus on my lack of any such relationship. I suppose I could blame my relationship woes on having grown up in a broken home with no example of true love to follow. The problem is, I can never seem to get anyone initially interested enough to ask me out and then have me fuck it all up due to commitment issues stemming from my upbringing (but that will always remain the dream). Until that day comes, you can find me at my permanent residence: The Friend Zone.

Don’t be fooled by the name, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. As a lifelong resident of the Friend Zone, I will admit that it is a great place to be—but everybody deserves a vacation. I’ve always loved having friends, but there comes a time when you’re looking for more than a friend.

I’ve never been one of those girls who can just go out there and get a guy’s attention. I don’t have the body to prance around in skimpy clothes nor do I have the patience to act like a ditz all the time. Flirting has never been my strongest skill either; it always comes off as just plain awkward. Thus I am left with the oh-so-cliché technique of just being myself. For over 22 years, being myself has almost always resulted in friendship. From time to time, being myself has also resulted in heated debate, uncontrollable sobbing and knock-down, drag-out brawls…but never romance.

On the rare occasion I think being myself is actually working, and a guy could actually be interested in me, he inevitably ends up asking about one of my friends. So as all the people around me pair off, all I can hope for is that my bridesmaid dress isn’t too hideous and the possibility that their wedding will have an open bar.

My mother has always claimed that guys are intimidated by me, which I find hilarious. Mountains are intimidating, math is intimidating, but short blonde girls are generally not intimidating. Is it the fact that I have no idea what I’m doing with my life that scares them away? Maybe it’s the initially quiet nature I maintain until I’ve been introduced to someone that sends them running.

The fact that I’ve never been in a relationship does not stop my friends from turning to me with all their relationship problems. If I know so damn much and they know so damn little, how is it that they have the relationship and I don’t? What exactly is going through their minds when they ask me for my advice? Maybe they wanted the opinion of someone with absolutely no frame of reference; and there weren’t any nuns to be found so they settled for me. The truly ironic part is that despite listening to all their problems and witnessing the grief caused by relationships, I still want one.

I’m not on a mission to find “The One,” settle down and get married by any means. I’m also not looking for someone I could latch onto and center my entire universe around; I’ve got my own shit to deal with. Basically, I’m looking for a friend with a lot more benefits who will allow me to occasionally instigate ridiculous fights about things like why he squeezes toothpaste from the middle of the tube rather than the end. I really don’t think that’s asking too much.

In addition to just being myself and awkward flirtation, I have decided to take what I have dubbed “The Romantic Comedy Approach,” to dating. If romantic comedies have taught us anything, it’s that we’re probably already friends with our true love and we’ve never looked at them in that light before. This new approach makes the Friend Zone the ideal place to be. I figure if I just keep making guy friends, it will increase my odds of finding that special someone. So, if you’ve got a Y chromosome and you like what you’ve read here…maybe we can be friends.

No comments:

Space Race

Was there some rich white guy meeting that we didn't know about where they all secretly decided to get super interested in space all of ...