Cosmopolitan

I am a loyal subscriber to Cosmopolitan magazine. When the end of the month rolls around I start to get a little antsy because I know that any day, a new magazine will appear in my mailbox. "What will they teach me this time?" I wonder. Just the other day I opened up the mailbox and there it was: Cosmo, August 2008. And according to a eye-catching blurb on the cover, this month's issue is apparently the "Hot Issue."


"Thank God for that," I thought, "I am so sick of getting all these Cosmos full of nothing but news, intellectual articles and political cartoons. It's about time they wrote about men and sex." If you live under a rock and are unfamiliar with the magazine, let me tell you that I am being sarcastic. Every issue of Cosmo is either hot, dirty, naughty or any other sexual sounding adjective. Allow me to break down the article topics in Cosmo for you:

1. Men


2. Sex


3. Clothes that are sexy


4. How to wear clothes that are sexy to get men to have sex with you


5. And of course stories about other people who have had/are having/will have sex

It's the same thing over and over again; and I read it every month. Part of my fascination with the magazine is how the continually generate these lists of sex tips. You may have read the "10 Sexiest Moves in Bed" last month, but this month you can read "15 Naughty Things to do in the Car." God knows the tips for the bedroom are not applicable to the car, bathroom, beach or any other location in which they tell you to get it on. Do they have a research and development team who works on these tips each month?

I also subscribe to Glamour, because why be told the same thing every month by 1 magazine when you can be told the same thing every month by 2 magazines? Glamour has less dirty sex stuff than Cosmo, which can be good or bad--it just depends on what kind of mood you're in I guess. The upside to Glamour is that they also have legitimate articles about women doing stuff or something (I read those after I've read all the mindless stuff). I do think Cosmo should print a few more legit stories for the sake of shy people. That way, shy people can still read all the dirty stuff while keeping the page of a serious article handy in case someone approaches and they have to flip the page really quickly.

Perhaps Dave Chapelle put it best when he said, "Chivalry is dead, and women killed it. Chivalry died when women started readin the shit in all them magazines. They got too much advice about men from other women. And they don't know what the fuck they're talkin about. I see them in the grocery store, says on the cover '100 Ways to Please Your Man' by some lady. Come on man. Aint no 100 ways. That list is 4 things long. Just suck his dick, play with his balls, and then fix him a sandwhich and don't talk so much and he'll be happy!"

That's from his special Killin' Them Softly, which is a hilarious must-see.

And yet, despite everything I know about these magazines, I will continue to read them every month. After all, I'm only human.