Sunday, July 6, 2008

Feminine Hygiene

I wrote this on December 27, 2007

As I spend a significant amount of time in a grocery store, I have a lot of time alone with my thoughts. This is quite the double-edged sword; on the one hand, I think of insanely clever observations regarding life. On the other hand, my mind has been known to drift to the fact that I have $100,000 education and am making an obscenely small amount of money at a part-time job and have no hopes of becoming what I like to call a “real grown-up” any time soon. Needless to say, I try my hardest to focus on the former of the two. My observations typically stem from my surroundings; what I’m trying to say is that I think about groceries a lot. One of the more perplexing areas of the grocery store is the feminine hygiene section.

I will admit that it is one of my preferred areas of the store to loiter in—people seem less eager to talk to you when you’re surrounded by tampons, a helpful tip I plan to carry over into other realms of my life. I have, on more than one occasion, considered keeping a few tampons on hand at all times and then slyly pull them out of my purse when I find myself trapped in a boring conversation. I did it accidentally once and it abruptly ended that little chat. But I digress.

I have always considered myself to be pro-hygiene and yet I can’t seem to figure out what the hell is going on with some of that stuff. There is a plethora of soaps and perfumes specifically for the vagina, which floors me on a multitude of levels. First of all we have the double-standard of women going to all this trouble for men who do very little in return. The level of maintenance required for this equipment ranks right up there with the upkeep of a car or home. As is the case with home-ownership, there is the innate need to tidy up before company comes over; but the company could pull themselves together a bit, too. And yet there is no cologne for balls. Shocking.

My second observation came from laughing at the scent names of these products; names such as “berry bliss.” Berry bliss? What seems remotely natural about smelling like berries or a tropical island escape? It’s not as though that’s a place where berries are often found, resulting in a lingering berry aroma. Let’s say you walk into a room that smells like popcorn; you immediately ask if anyone made popcorn, they say yes and that’s the end. Mystery solved. Imagine the questions raised by a berry-scented crotch. “Are you storing fruit down here?” is not a question I ever want to be asked. If you are a fan of exotic fragrances in erotic locations, that’s fine. But why stop at just berries? I say, get the whole Yankee Candle Company arsenal of scents involved—homemade cookies, freshly cut grass, hazelnut, you get the idea.

My next observation is rather brief. I could not help but notice this phrasing out of the corner of my eye, “disposable douche.” I assumed the “disposable” factor was a given. Are there reusable douches out there? God, I hope not.

2 comments:

Ryuuzaki said...

Your writing is great and makes me laugh! Keep up the good work!

p.s. In reference to your last insight, I wouldn't be surprised if there are said reusable douches. Everyone IS going green these days. = P

jmwoolums said...

There are "reusable" douches out there. Wal-mart has some, they look like a heating bag thingie with tubes. It actually looks kind of scary.